The awkward squad?
My parents are, like me and so many of my Sisters here at THE CONVENT, most mild of manner and demeanour. But unlike me they are in their eighties, though in blessed good health. They have a little semi, and although they get on perfectly well with their neighbours, there has been a problem. For there is a leak in the water pipe under their neighbours’ house, and it is alleged that this makes their neighbours’ shower run a bit slow. The problem is that said neighbours have built a great big fat extension which has concreted over the pipe making it very difficult to get at (they were warned, but there you go). This meant that they would have to dig up part of their kitchen to get at it. They preferred the solution of coming onto my parents’ property and getting at the leak that way, digging up part of my parents’ garden and re-routing the water supply. All of which is fine, but actually my parents did not want their garden DUG UP and just wanted to be left undisturbed if at all possible.
Letters began to arrive at my parents’ house addressed to “the Occupier”. They were from some sort of building company and advised that there was an unspecified leak but it was all OK; if “The Occupier” referred the matter to his insurer, arrangements would be made and the “necessary work” would be done. They did not give any proper explanation of who they were from or what was going to be done or why. These looked like one of those scams you get on WATCHDOG and I advised my parents to put them in the bin, which they did indeed do with alacrity.
However, dear reader, you will be amazed by the events which then unfolded! A few weeks ago by the Lord’s Grace I was taking a little sabbatical from the Convent and staying with my parents when someone who appeared to an OFFICIAL of the water company did arrive unannounced. One could tell he was an OFFICIAL because he had a yellow safety jacket emblazoned with the words “United Utilities.” He arrived at about 9.00 am in the morning, at a time when my parents, being elderly, were not quite up, but I was, and I opened the door. The OFFICIAL smiled a bit wanly (well the habit can be off putting, I admit) and explained that he was from the water company and had come to survey the garden and look at the kitchen so that they could start work later that week. So if I would just open the gate to the back garden he could get started.
I was amazed by these tidings and a bit disturbed, not least because I was not happy about letting a man into my elderly parent’s garden and kitchen when I did not know him from ADAM. So I asked if he had any identification, which seemed to DISPLEASE him most mightily, for then he had to return to his car to get some.
When the OFFICIAL returned he showed me a little plastic CARD and re-iterated that he had come to survey the garden and the kitchen. I said he could not, for we had received no notice of his arrival at all, and he had not been invited. I said that if he wanted to come and survey the garden the water company could write and explain why and make an arrangement to come at an agreed time which would be felicitous to all concerned.
He then looked a bit blank and said:
“Ain’t you ‘ad the DF 5 letter, then love?”
I was most MIFFED at this disrespect, and did consider going to get my new Sig Sauer P226 9 mm Parabellum and showing him the true meaning of the word LOVE, but I remained calm and replied that no, we had not received any letters from the water company.
He insisted we had.
I insisted we had not.
Upon receiving this retort the OFFICIAL grew more vexed than ever, but he proceeded to explain that the water company had Special Statutory Powers and that if there was a leak then they could come on and fix it and arrangements had been made for later that week. I replied that we didn’t have a leak, thank you very much. He said they would just serve “a DF 5” so we might as well get on with it. Although I am but a frail woman I am not without resources of courage and spirit, and I told him that without receiving proper notice and an explanation of those alleged Powers, he could not come onto the property and any attempt to enter with workmen would be met by me popping along to the nearest county court to get an injunction to prevent access. Also, in the meantime my Sisters from the Convent would form a human barrier to prevent access and any attempt to move them would be a common ASSAULT and not only a crime but an actionable civil wrong (although knowing the girls from the Convent, I think I know who would be doing any assaulting.)
The OFFICIAL seemed quite taken aback by these words, and appeared to be breaking out into a sweat. He re-iterated that the company had Special Powers (he did that a lot actually) and I replied that so did the LORD and that with my blessings he could leave now. Which he did, rather sulkily, I thought, considering how nice I had been.
A lull in proceedings then followed. However, a couple of weeks later my parents received an official LETTER. It began thus:
“DF 5 FINAL NOTICE – WASTE OF WATER sections 73 and 27 of the Water Industry Act
We wrote to you on 10th June regarding the leak on the supply pipe running through your property…we have now re-inspected the site and found that the leak has not been repaired…”
It then continued to explain how the company had these Special Statutory Powers and how the costs of repair would be charged to the properties (this was new and most unwelcome) and how if we refused to allow entry a warrant would be obtained from the magistrates court.
At this point I decided to consult my SPECIAL FRIEND with whom I have a certain UNDERSTANDING, Gildas the Monk. For some say he is wise in some ways of the world although he is clearly a fool in others. Upon my presentation of this missive to him he meditated long upon it, and then upon his COUNSEL we wrote back pointing out, amongst other matters we had not received any letter from them dated 10th June or any other date and that their “Final Notice” was thus invalid, and seeking a copy of said letter of 10th June for good measure; that they had never in fact inspected this property because their OFFICIAL had been refused entry because they had given no notice of his arrival; that we had never refused them access as such but merely asked for proper notice of when they intended to come; and that as far as we were aware there was no problem with the water here. Gildas did add a technical bit to the effect that on a true construction of the legislation they had no power to come on if there was a leak but it was not actually under our property, but on someone else’s. Finally we invited them to make an appointment to come and see that of which they had been informed, and asking them not to apply for any warrant from the Magistrates without showing them the letter. For Gildas can be GOOD WITH WORDS, although he is often very BAD in other ways.
Then there were a few phone calls from the water company, one in particular with a nice young lady called Tracy who spoke to Gildas, as he had called in for afternoon tea. They seemed to be getting along RATHER TOO WELL, if you take my meaning, but she promised that they would get their Plumbing Manager to call us and arrange a site visit at a proper time.
But the Plumbing Manager did not do that which she had said and which had been so solemnly promised! So, once again taking the counsel of Gildas we sent reminder letters to the water company recording what had been promised and pointing out their SIN in failing to do that which they had said they would, and yet all the while cunningly being most reasonable in tone!
Eventually, however, a meeting was arranged a TEAM OF MEN came along, and they stood around looking GLUM. They seemed to take the view that it would be rather more complicated to dig and do stuff than they had reckoned for verily the leak was next door after all. And then they went away.
But lo! Eventually, yet another letter arrived. It said that our complaint had been considered (although we had not made one!) and in view of the fact that the leaking pipe did not belong to them, they would be taking no further action. Meaning, I think: this could be hot potato, let’s leave it. Truly this was the work of the LORD!
So there we are. The point of this little farrago was not in fact to deliberately obstruct the water company, or even upset my parents’ neighbours for no good reason. I am sure that will all be sorted out. It was merely that there was something rather sinister in the way an OFFICIAL turned up without any due process at an elderly couples’ door, did not properly identify himself, and assumed that he and his company were all powerful and could do what they want, and the company was then prepared to send out threatening letters which were inaccurate. I suppose that makes me one of “the Awkward Squad”, but maybe there should be a few more of us?
In love and light.
Sister Eva Longoria
September 1, 2010 at 00:23
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Sister Eva, I hope that is not wrong of me to find the picture of you
touching a handgun with your Tongue extremely attractive?
I hope I will not burn in Hell for having such impure and base
thoughts.
Excellent post!
- September 1, 2010 at 08:05
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Heaven’s Sir, I had not previously noted any ambiguity, bit now you come
to mention it….
Don’t worry. here at Order of the Sisters of Blessed
Relief we are very broadminded!
In love and light
Sister Eva
- September 1, 2010 at 12:32
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Thank you Sister Eva, for relieving my worry
- August 31, 2010 at 23:50
- August 31, 2010 at 20:45
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My Dear Child
I am most sorry for these unfortunate events, but I beg
you not to despair! For in my life I have learned that men are most WEAK and
easily beguiled, and prone to flattery, which is their great weakness. And
ironically, was it not Saint Augustine of HIPPO who gave us wisdom when he
said that Man’s need were Air, Water, Match of the Day, Balti, Beer and a Good
Woman? I believe that the SIREN Tracy is indeed a succubus incarnate, and may
have attempted to lure your HUBBY into TEMPTATION, but there are many potent
protections against such CARNALITY of your Beloved. These include Prayer,
Meditation, Fasting, and the Sig Sauer 9 mm (favoured handgun of the SAS, to
whom I teach Close Quarter Battle and cake baking as part of my ministry,
although I find mine draws a little to the left when rapid firing over 25
metres).
However, although I am most fond of Gildas, I confess that I do
not believe he is always entirely blameless in these matters. I have never
quite forgotten catching him in flagrente with Hildegard of Bingen (no wonder
she was ecstatic and had visions) but at heart he is a good soul, it’s just
that he can’t resist temptation. Or anything female. Or a drink.
I must now
fast and study the sacred test of St Marie Claire
In love and
light
Sister Eva
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August 31, 2010 at 23:01
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Sister E. L. :
I realise you may still be caught in the thrall of St
Marie Claire and may not see this post for some pious hours but I am
thankful for your reply and can say just this one word … Grazia .
-
August 31, 2010 at 20:00
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Dear Sister Eva Longoria,
I ‘know’ of ‘that Tracy’ from the water company.
I know for a fact she’s phoned here on more than one occasion because I’ve
caught Mr Smudd mid “chat”, giggling and all florid, discussing ‘pipework’,
‘bore-size’, ‘flow’, ‘pressure’ and suchlike with this Tracy-person when he
thought I was lying with my ulcerated-legs elevated in another room. If I
hadn’t long-since had my last Werther’s Original, I might never have heaved
myself off the day-bed and caught him, mid sentence, whispering something
about stop-cocks. Don’t ask.
Now that time has passed and my blood-pressure has fallen below the
explosive level prompted by this shocking discovery, I think I can risk a few
minutes at the keyboard to tell you that I think I have mis-judged your
SPECIAL FRIEND, Mr Gildas the Monk: after all, it’s not his fault if the phone
rings and it’s the water company and it’s ‘that Tracey’ and she makes him talk
about his pipes, his flow, getting his pressure verified, acceptable psi and
all that thoroughly un-nerving stuff: I mean, what’s a monk (or a gullible Mr
Smudd for that matter?) to do when the long-dormant fires-of-passion are
fanned by a bird who, within one single, unsolicited, phonecall to the home of
a water-user, incorporates all these beguiling words and the odd jaw-dropping
phrase into her sales pitch? I think Mr Smudd’s heart would have given out if
I hadn’t found them discussing ‘the next step’ when I did! (Don’t ask!)
I’ve been at these keys long enough now and fear I have only the strength
left to re-heat yesterday’s Balti and retire to my E-Zee-Duz-It, where I lie
all day at what’s called ‘an incline’ designed to minimise the chance of DVT
watching ‘The Let’s Make Our Own Greetings-Cards Now!” Channel ! One day I’ll
order some embossable metallic card, just to see if I can get my knuckles
working again. I’m a martyr to my pudgy digits. Hey-ho!
Anyhoo, please tell your SPECIAL FRIEND, Mr Gildas The Monk, that I
SINCERELY apologise for anything unkind I may have said on this blog about
him. Please tell him that it was only my infirmity wot made me so bitter …
that and finding Mr Smudd very hot and bothered and on the phone to Tracy from
the water company.
I wish you, your parents and your SPECIAL FRIEND Mr Gildas well.
Keep up the good work and don’t forget that a hippo can be very useful if
the Sisters from the Convent ever resolve to form a human barrier to prevent
access to your parents’ kitchen floor. Consider this hippo to be on standby if
you need me. That’s if the Fire Brigade can get me out of the window
again.
- August 31, 2010 at 19:13
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To my knowledge before this lady took to to the Nunnery she was a right
little raver and indeed a Page Three Stunna! She also had a famous temper!
- August 31, 2010 at 20:21
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Dear Mr Hack.
It is true that I was perhaps a little wild in my youth,
I am not ashamed, for truly what did the Lord give me a body for if not to
enjoy it. For whilst the body is a temple, it is a nightclub too. Indeed, it
is also true that we Sisters of Blessed Relief enjoy a more liberal attitude
to such issues than other orders. However, sir, you are most ungallant, and
I am an excellent SHOT!
Sister Eva
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August 31, 2010 at 13:17
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A long long time ago when my ex and I had just bought our first house, we
had to get the utilities reconnected as the house had been empty some time.
Water. Fine. Lecky. Fine. Gas. Do you have a gas appliance? No – we have no
gas, so thought we would wait until we did. Ah. Sorry. No gas appliance. No
gas. OK. Off to the gas, buy a gas cooker. Set delivery date. They ask – is
the gas connected. No, we say, for you told us that without an appliance they
wouldn’t connect the gas. Ah. Sorry. No gas connected, no appliance.
Several very savage knockings of heads together, with a sample letter to
our MP and the local paper, both supply and appliance were connected and
installed.
Never ever ever underestimate the stupidity of “the authorities”.
- August
31, 2010 at 12:10
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Long live the awkward squad. My parents are pretty sharp when it comes to
dealing with officialdom, but Mrs L’s mother is a little too trusting…
- August 31, 2010 at 11:34
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In my experience The Water Board are completely useless in all ways but
two.
Those being, charging people for water they haven’t used, and then
charging people for tipping the same unused water down the drain.
I even
had to tell them how much I owed them at one point.
However, here in France a very nice Water Board man who lives locally,
mended a leak to my side of the water meter, and didn’t put in a bill because
he knows that I am not very well off.
- August 31, 2010 at 08:42
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Sister Eva
If the water supply serving your parent’s neighbour passes
through your parent’s property, then I trust your neighbour has a wayleave
formally allowing permission?
If no wayleave exists, then if relations between the parties deteriorates,
then your parents are within their rights to interrupt supplies to any
downstream property.
- August 31, 2010 at 09:50
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Thank you for your kind thoughts Joe P. In fact the issues concerned
rights over a supply pipe from the mains over which the water supplier does
have statutory rights and responsibilities, and my friend Gildas says that
the neighbours would have a right to draw water from it (a wayleave if you
like) by what he calls “Prescription”, meaning I think long use rather than
what you get from Boots. However, my parents have no problem with that, they
just did not want their garden dug up for no good reason.
In love and
light
Sister Eva
- August 31, 2010 at 08:22
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For elderly people (like your parents and my parents) blessed with
offspring who are awkward and articulate, there will always be someone
standing between them and their lifelong respect for anyone or anything
‘official’. But I fear for those who do not have easily to hand a member of
the Awkward Squad. While my parents are left worried and intimidated by sudden
and dramatic increases in their direct debits, I have no qualms about having
lengthy and firm discussions with the companies which end with those increases
being cancelled. Other folk in their 80s would be left in greater poverty for
fear of upsetting someone in ‘power’.
- August 31, 2010 at 09:51
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And taxes, don
- August 31, 2010 at 09:51
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And that, if I may say so, is the point exactly
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