Result for the Righteous.
Years ago, Uncle Tom Cobbley would take off down to the local public house after his supper to enjoy his pipe and a conversation with the other allotment holders without having to mind his language in front of the ladies.
The public house was the poor man’s version of the ladies ‘withdrawing room’; a haven of strong drink, stronger language and thick smoke that ‘er indoors’ didn’t choose to host in her front parlour.
Feminism broke through this barrier and ensured that the ladies were just as likely to be found propping up the bar now that they had a dishwasher and an electric iron and an abortion instead of another four toddlers to watch over.
The public house became a sanitised ‘gastro-pub’ so that Madame no longer had to return home to prepare the supper. Then it added a ‘children’s room’ so that she didn’t have to wait for the few children she had exercised her ‘uman right’ to produce to grow up before she could enjoy her equal rights.
Before too long it was literally a home from home with a juke box, and a TV and comfy sofa’s to replace the bar stool. Now that it resembled Madame’s front parlour, she complained that she didn’t like the thick smoke, nor the strong language.
Air conditioning was installed, but it wasn’t enough, so the smoking was banned, and the strong language disproved of.
Unfortunately, this had removed two of the reasons for the public house’s very existence, so they went out of business at a rate of knots, some 60 a week to be precise.
What do you do with an ex-public house? It used to be extremely hard to achieve a precious ‘change of use’ certificate. The public house was the ‘heart of the community’ or at least the heart of the smoking/drinking/chatting community.
How very fitting then, that the Colgrave Arms in Leytonstone, is to become the heart of the local righteous community.
In doing so, it will no longer be open to the ladies to sup their pint of equality beer, nor to discuss their latest abortion. Nor to have their supper cooked for them, nor to watch Eastenders on the wide screen TV. In future they will have to stay at home.
As Hilaire Belloc wrote… “When you have lost your inns drown your empty selves, for you will have lost the last of England!”
I can foresee the day when Britain will be famous for having a ‘righteous community centre’ at the end of every street.
We will have ‘The Sharia’s Closing Inn’, ‘The Old Black Burqa’, ‘The Jolly Jack Straw’, ‘The Mustapha Alms’, and ‘The Crusader’s Head’.
So many pubs to rename……see what suggestions you can come up with.
(Try not to make them libellous, I don’t want to have to delete any!)
July 29, 2010 at 14:09
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Excellent!
I’m humbled :0)
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July 28, 2010 at 18:16
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The Crown and Ankara. No ‘Jew’k box though.
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July 28, 2010 at 18:10
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The Ali-Aq Bar.
The Kuffar’s Head.
- July 28, 2010 at 16:15
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Following from Dave H’s:
The Artificial Arms
(Prop. A. Hamza)
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July 28, 2010 at 18:02
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A. Hamza once came to such harm
He now has just part of each
arm:
His hook-clawed prostheses
Are hideous pieces
Which add not
one jot to his charm.
- July 28, 2010 at 16:02
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The Improvised Arms.
- July 28, 2010 at 13:57
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The No. 30
That.is.all.
- July 28, 2010 at 13:49
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Has the fatwah lady sung now?
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July 28, 2010 at 17:47
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Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Nope! I’m just warming up!
- July 28, 2010 at 13:09
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I’ve hadith up to here..
- July 28, 2010 at 05:31
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All much too clever for me. But very funny.
- July 28, 2010 at 00:56
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This gives me hope that England is safe – !!! Just off for a glass of
Chablis down at Ali’s Axe Bar
- July 27, 2010 at 23:39
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The Rags Head
Ally’s AkhBar
The Towels Head
Mustapha Wanks
The 72 Virgins
- July 27, 2010 at 23:01
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With my limited knowledge of English
you’ve just ALL got me rolling on
the floor
I’m pretty sure I cannot, but nonetheless I will try to attribute …
Give
me a mo [or a night]
- July 27,
2010 at 21:55
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The Theifs Hand
The Caliphs Beered
The Crusaders Head
The Box
Cutters Flight
The Twin Towers (open 9-11)
The Allave one for the
road
The IED Makers Arms
The Prostrate Pilgrim
The Banging
Plane
The Blair in the Bush
The Cropped Poodle
The Veiled Virgin…
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July 27, 2010 at 21:41
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Osama Bin Arms
- July 27, 2010 at 19:53
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The Non-white Caliphs of Dover
- July 27, 2010 at 19:53
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The Saracen’s Head?
- July 27, 2010 at 19:25
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Right everyone sing-song time (with Captain Hook on the pianner):
Knees Up Mullah Brown
The Old Iron Crescent
Show Me The Way To Bomb
Home
We’ll Meet Again (with 24 virgins. Each!!)
Ayatollah Got No Money
(except benefits paid by a grateful British public)
On Mullah Kelly’s
Doorstep
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July 27, 2010 at 19:33
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This sounds like a good old sing-song down Koranation Street, maybe.
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July 27, 2010 at 20:07
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Brilliant! I was thinking the Ali Bar One on Finsbury Pavement in
Moorgate….
- July 27, 2010 at 20:22
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And then there’s the old favourite … ‘Maybe it’s Burquas I’m a
Londoner’
- July 27, 2010 at 20:25
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and just as the disco closes ‘Veil Meet Again’?
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July 27, 2010 at 20:33
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Gloria – I give in! You win by a mile. (Wanders off singing, ‘If I
had a Hamas…’)
- July 27, 2010 at 20:44
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Or, ‘If I hajib a hammer’
- July 27, 2010 at 21:05
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Joe P/Caractacus
We seem to be putting together the programme for an old-fashioned
Sangin/Dance Act.
- July 27, 2010 at 21:08
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or maybe the music should just be good ol’ Raccoon Roll.
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July 27, 2010 at 21:39
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What – like ‘West Bank Story? “Sharia, I’ve just met a law called
Sharia”
- July 27, 2010 at 21:41
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Anna should be proud, her readers have put forward some wonderful
suggestions. Not one is Shi’ite.
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July 27, 2010 at 22:29
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“Sharia with a djinn on top”
- July 27, 2010 at 19:23
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The landlord’s a halalcoholic, he’s drunk all the Prophets
- July 28, 2010 at 00:53
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classic!
- July 27, 2010 at 19:18
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Whatever you do- don’t suggest you get stoned – might have some unexpected
consequences!
G the Monk
- July 27, 2010 at 19:07
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I like a djin and tonic, or anything as long as it’s allahcoholic, when I
drink at the Bar-Mitzvah.
Er, hang on – shum mishtake here, surely…
- July 27, 2010 at 19:02
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The Dj Inn
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July 27, 2010 at 20:03
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Dj Inn Bar Snacks:
Refreshing glass of freshly-squeezed Sunni Delight
~
A selection of
crusty and moreish Ayatollah Pies
~
Mullah Rice or Niquabocker
Glory
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July 27, 2010 at 18:42
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bit of a change from churches becoming Wetherspoons!
- July 27, 2010 at 18:32
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circumcision , spelling someone gave me a tip
- July 27, 2010 at 18:29
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the circumcish inn
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July 27, 2010 at 17:50
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The Cadillac and Koran ?
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July 27, 2010 at 17:49
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The Headless Princess ?
- July 27,
2010 at 17:22
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The Rising Sunni
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July 27, 2010 at 17:42
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That’s EXCELLENT, Cato!
- July
27, 2010 at 21:29
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…Bows gracefully… ta Gloria
- July
27, 2010 at 16:07
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The Mustapha liq
Excellent toilet facilities including disabled closets for holy
warriors.
Sorry, pork scratchings not served.
- July
27, 2010 at 16:02
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The Alky Eda
- July 27, 2010 at 15:52
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The Saracen’s Head(quarters)
- July
27, 2010 at 15:49
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The Ayeshas’ thighs
(Open extra early)
- July 27, 2010 at 15:52
- July 27, 2010 at 15:43
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The Mad Rasser
- July
27, 2010 at 15:29
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The Mujhad Inn.
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July 27, 2010 at 15:44
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Where one might enjoy a pint of ‘Old Burquliar’?
- July 27, 2010 at 16:44
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And Mecca half last the evening.
- July 27, 2010 at 17:10
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.. while the ladies sip Tia Sharia…
- July 27, 2010 at 15:03
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The Inn Shallah
- July 27, 2010 at 15:07
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Eeh bah gum, you’re a talented lot – keep ‘em coming!
- July 27, 2010 at 15:10
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‘The Prophetable Venture’.
- July 27, 2010 at 16:41
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The Kaa Bar. The Minbar.
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July 27, 2010 at 14:30
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The Empty Cella
The Tavern Acle
The Inn Fidel
The Tequila
Islammer
- July 27, 2010 at 14:49
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Inn Fidel! Like it!
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July 27, 2010 at 14:52
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- July 27,
2010 at 14:24
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The Attractive Camel PH.
- July 27, 2010 at 14:16
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Poor, poor England..
Anyway,
Don’t know about the name, but I know
what I want on the jukebox –
“They tried to make me go to Jihad, I said no!
no! no!”
Gildas the Monk
- July 27, 2010 at 14:20
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Were crusades not a second Millennium affair and were you not very much a
first millennium guy.
- July 27, 2010 at 14:48
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Yeah, but I kinda hung around for the fun!
- July 27,
2010 at 14:28
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The World is just a great big Onion Dome.
- July 27, 2010 at 13:59
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The King’s Head of course, on a plate, when we finally get Sharia Law.
- July 27, 2010 at 13:55
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The Profit.
The Stone Circle.
The Shalla Inn.
By the way, how does a dishwasher, electric iron and ONE abortion prevent
avoid having four toddlers?
- July 27, 2010 at 15:13
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The abortion only prevents one toddler, you hit the husband over the head
with the electric iron and replace him with the dishwasher……that takes care
of the rest.
- July 27, 2010 at 15:44
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Inn Shalla – very droll, Anna
- July 27, 2010 at
15:48
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The Allahu Ak-Bar.
- July 27, 2010 at 17:12
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The Ayatolla Pie Shop.
- July 27, 2010 at 13:44
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The Moo ‘Eads Inn..
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July 27, 2010 at 15:33
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Clever! Took me a mo’, but worth the effort.
- July 28, 2010 at 00:50
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nice one!
- July 27, 2010 at 13:34
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The Abolition Inn. I can’t see that one lasting long.
- July 27,
2010 at 13:21
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The Suicide Bombers Arms. (It’s all we could find of him)
- July 27, 2010 at 13:16
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David Davis’s pub could become the Shoe Thrower and Flogger.
{ 78 comments }