Subrosa has highlighted the decision of a small group of managers in the Rochdale shopping centre to install what are delicately known as the ‘Nile Pan’, or alternatively, the hole in the ground toilet, for the benefit of the supposed 10% of Rochdale’s population that has been trained from childhood to defecate in this manner.

With respect to Subrosa, she has missed the part of the BBC news release that gave the real reason for their installation. It will not, I promise you, just be the hole in the ground toilet that has been installed.

When I first flew to India, I was loaned a large backpack. Naturally I filled it to capacity. You do don’t you? Once on my back, I could carry it quite comfortably, but getting it on and off my back required balancing it on a table at waist height and heaving it into place.

Having collected said back pack from luggage control and heaved it into position and having been cooped up on flight for 25 hours or so, I was quite keen to avail myself of a toilet. There was one just in front of me, checking that it was for ladies – much easier at Delhi airport where they employ pictures, than at Birmingham airport where they translate the word into every language under the sun except English, I kid you not, I entered the cubicle.

It was a squat toilet. The cubicle was around three foot square. Just room to turn around and squat. With some difficulty, given the centre of gravity of the backpack. Looking to arise from my task, I grasped the chrome handle on the wall.

When in Rochdale, do not grab the chrome handle on the wall. It will introduce you to the finer details of the real reason why squat toilets have been introduced there.

The chrome handle will direct a high pressure jet of ice cold water at your nether regions. It will come as an unpleasant shock to you if you have never encountered this detail of Muslim religious observance before.

If you are already weighed down with a heavy back pack, it may be the last straw. The shock may cause you to stagger backwards and loose your balance. You may end up flat on your back like a stranded turtle. Take it from me; a three foot square enclosure with a slippery floor is no place to try to right yourself and your back pack.

Apparently the Rochdale Shopping Centre managers got fed up finding the floor of the toilets littered with empty water bottles as some the local inhabitants tried to recreate the jet of water necessary for them to feel ‘refreshed’ when they left the toilet.

There will be a chrome handle on the wall of those toilets in Rochdale, I promise you. Don’t even think about grabbing it, it won’t be just your feet that will get wet.

Little Black
Sambo July 18, 2010 at 11:06

This will suit French visitors.

opinion prole
July 16, 2010 at 10:32

If the citizens of Rochdale are susceptible to this kind of quasi-cultural
tosh they deserve everything that’s coming to them, including being woken at
4.00am by muezzins yelling from a minaret.
Those who find age-old British
customs not to their liking should feel free to return swiftly to whichever
insanitary hell-hole they came from, preferably at their own
expense.
Meanwhile could somebody kindly arrange some large signs on main
roads indicating “Danger: Rochdale multicultural madness zone ahead”.

Bob July 16, 2010 at 10:20

If you think this is bad you should try some of the former communist
republics of Central. I had the dubious pleasure of a short stay in
Uzbekistan. The public loos there are rightly named, public.

I had just, very suddenly discovered that the penalty of that particular
journey was going to be a massive assault from the local cuisine on my
normally cast iron digestive system, and here I was half an hour from the
hotel and in the middle of their outdoor market.

After a frantic search I identify, by smell and queue, what could only be a
loo. I join the queue, and after an excruciating length of time I reach a
woman at a window who gabbers something unintelligible to me. I thrust a note
under the glass, and perhaps from the look of pain on my face she deduces that
I need toilet paper.
I am not sure whether it is toilet paper. It is
wrinkled like crepe paper but has the thickness and texture of sandpaper.
There are exactly three pieces, that is all. I look at her, she glares and
mouths something offensive and I am driven through the turnstile by the next
man. If I had had the choice I would have kept the bank notes and used them,
they felt softer and they would have given me more for my money.

I enter the building and follow the stench to the toilets. One side of the
room is the urinal trough against the wall. Crude cubicles are along the other
side, I am hopping from foot to foot anxious for a door to open, soon, please
God soon. In the middle of the room is a solitary bucket which arouses my
curiosity.
I stand nonchalantly hopping from one foot to the other, my
stomach knotted. A door opens and there is a rush for it which I loose,
agghhh.

The occupant walks out and deposits something in the central bucket,
disturbing the resident swarm of flies. I then remember reading about it. It
is forbidden to put paper down the pan! This is the communal loo paper bucket.
If you come out of the loo without placing your used paper in the bucket for
all to see, you must be a criminal!!!!

Either this nation is heavily in to recycling, or they have drain problems.
I remember that it is the latter. I think their drain sizes are only three
inch diameter which doesn’t permit toilet paper AND poo. Paper must be taken
home or something!

I finally enter the cubicle after spending the intervening period filing my
fingernails with their version of loo paper.

Crapping for Great Britain, I have won the Olympics!

I now have a dilemma. A certain part of my anatomy is red, raw, and in
agony. Do I address it with the additional torture of this sandpaper?
I
decided to sacrifice my handkerchief.

I self consciously and deposit the offending hanky for all to see in the
bucket and depart hurriedly.

The sand paper is now just a souvenir at home and I never again leave the
country without a roll of Andrex.

Anna
Raccoon July 16, 2010 at 11:31

Bob,
Yes, I encountered the same system in Istanbul some 40 years ago,
same reason too. I had quite forgotten the horrors.

kyboshable July 16, 2010 at 06:34

if you fear getting your feet wet, tie your bootlaces at the same time as
your evacuating, works a treat, pray and spray as they say!

Hysteria July 16, 2010 at 00:33

perhaps a local insurgency involving small bags of quick-set concrete
purchased from B&Q will help the good folk on the council get the
message.?

Fascist Hippy
July 16, 2010 at 00:56

That’s naughty, I hadn’t thought of that. Although I never go North of
the Cotswolds unless absolutely necessary.

Daedalus
Parrot July 16, 2010 at 00:16

Seriously folks you just don’t get it. Stand up and smell the coffee for
crying out loud!

This is nothing short of a sinister clandestine conspiracy being
perpetrated by … nudists. Yes, this seeminlgy trivial act fits like a jigsaw
piece into their relentless global plan.

You have to admit, they are very clever. When you use one of these public
loos, your clothes will be sprayed with water and faeces (or, in Anna’s case,
your back pack and all of the clothes in it) . So what do you do then? Why of
course you have no choice but to chuck your dripping wet, foul and smelly
clothes into the bin and walk out of the public loo starkers. Hence the
country will be subtly coerced into being a Nudist State.

I know most of us are decent, modest, properly attired people but it looks
like our days are numbered. Tsk, tsk.

Just you wait, the next thing we’ll see is the Lib Con coalition appointing
a nudist minister, (and I’ll bet they choose the ugliest member too), and then
… er and then .. oh dear Christ I’ve just corrupted my mind with images
conjured up by the last phrase … help! ….

Fascist Hippy
July 15, 2010 at 22:48

If people cannot speak our language, abide by our rules and customs and use
our sanitaryware etc. etc. WTF are they doing here in the first place?

Anna
Raccoon July 15, 2010 at 23:37

Fascist Hippy,
That is a sentiment oft expressed in France. Usually
they are talking about the British ex-pats here…….

Ch July 15, 2010 at 23:49

Fascist Hippy
July 16, 2010 at 00:37

I am fully behind the French on that one, as many of the British
ex-pats I meet embarrass me, I avoid them as much as possible. I visit
France quite often and intend to move there as soon as is possible. Should
this become a reality, I will be trying to blend in and become accepted by
the French (my French friends both here in UK and those in France tell me
I have the right attitude to be accepted there), I will (and do) respect
the laws and customs of France and appreciate the French way of life, I
will not be wearing Union Flag underpants, singing soccer songs or
demanding that the Country/Department or Government change the way they do
things because it is not to my taste the way they do it now, so hopefully
when you next hear a French person saying that about an ex-pat they will
not be talking about me………. anyone out there need a good handyman by the
way – have tools will travel?

Richard
Baron July 15, 2010 at 22:01

The French call such facilities “les turques” (unless that has become
un-PC), although they normally have foot-pads as part of a square china tray,
and no upwards water jet. Wikipedia informs me that the Japanese have
squat-pans in the style shown in the picture.

The main technical problem, for both sexes, is how to keep trousers well
clear without toppling over backwards – even without a heavy backpack. Kilts,
anyone?

Ch July 15, 2010 at 21:49

@ Richard: “And that

SadButMadLad July
15, 2010 at 21:33

I was brought up in a muslim country and lived there for some time. I used
this type of loo a lot. I don’t remember ever coming across one that shot a
jet of water at your nether regions. Any that had any plumbing used it to
perform a flush. If they didn’t have plumbing you used a bucket of water.

Rochdale implementing them has nothing to do with benefiting the 10% who
are foriegn born nor anything to do with cleaning staff complaining about
cleaning up. It has everything to do with a certain person who told a gullible
audience of council bosses who had gone one a cultural awareness course that a
large number of muslims perfered to use such a toilet. Such bosses are also
easily persuded that they have to feel guilty if they didn’t do everything to
be more “culturally aware”. Surprisingly you don’t hear about Muslims going on
a cultural awareness course to learn about typical British customs – like how
to use a normal toilet.

This person, Ghulham Rasul Shazhad OBE, managed to persude the council
despsite fact that there was no supporting evidence to back him up. Only the
ego of this person to further their cause and make themselves seem important
and to further the “we are the victims you must do everything in your power to
compensate us” type attitude. Not even asians believe that Rochdale have done
it to be culturally sensitive. http://www.asianimage.co.uk/news/north/8273672.A_crappy_idea_if_there_ever_was_one/

If the council were really bothered about supporting Muslims but within our
British norms they would have implemented bidets or installed more than a
token two – as if two toilets will satisfy the 10% of Rochdale which I assume
is a large percentage of the muslim community. If Muslims were really bothered
about the cleaning aspect they would have implemented them in their mosques
(they already have) and not bothered the council at all. As it is they’ve got
their loos (and it will be theirs not any other groups’ since no one else will
like using them) for free.

It says a lot that somone can comment “It just shows that the people of
Greater Manchester are becoming more cosmopolitan and global-minded.” As if
the installation of two toilets would make the whole of Greater Manchester
more culturally aware. I thought Greater Manchester was pretty cosmopolitan
and globally minded already from all the restaurants on the Curry Mile. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-10644118

SadButMadLad July 16, 2010 at 07:57

Woopsy. I said council bosses. Comes from reading the story too quickly.
It was the shopping centre bosses who went on the course. So a private
company not a council. A private company can do anything it wants for its
customers. But in this case the customers haven’t been clamouring for it.
It’s still a case of people being embarrassed into feely guilty about
providing for a minority otherwise they fear they would be labelled as
racsits.

Gildas July 15, 2010 at 21:32

Dear God, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
I would go and
investigate this bizarre politically correct crapper (a mere 10 miles from the
monastery) but for one things. The same people who have been deciding to turn
Rochdale into Jalalabat-on-Thame have, I presume, devised the one way system,
which means no one can get to the town centre or park, thus helpfully cutting
off the town from outside influence and custom.
Gildas the Monk

Subrosa July 15,
2010 at 21:08

I did miss the BBC new release Anna and my own experiences are of only
Europeans areas. One of my lovely readers set me straight though:

‘I wonder if they will follow the tradition in the middle east where they
have a hose pipe to clean your bits rather than toilet paper. The walls used
to be covered in sprayed faeces and stunk to high heaven. We used to always
make sure we were near a ‘Western hotel’ when going downtown.
Even worse in
these toilets just before prayer time. But I won’t go there…..erk ‘

All the more reason I avoid travel to far-away places. At my age I’m likely
to have a heart attack even if the water was luke warm.

Old Slaughter
July 15, 2010 at 21:03

Wow. I have been blessed. I have no mechanical khazi horror stories.

(touches wooden toilet seat)

JuliaM July 16,
2010 at 05:46

Me too! I must have never visited anywhere uncivilised…

Richard July 15,
2010 at 21:00

I had something similar in a toilet on an autobahn in Germany last year.
You flush the loo by waving your hand (or any available body part) over a tiny
window set in the back wall above the seat. After I had finished my ablutions,
I must have leaned back slightly and – bloody hell! It nearly flushed my
bollocks away. And the feeling of a gallon of cold water on a pair of
unexpecting nuts was not pleasant. After all that, how do you dry off, when
your middle third is drenched and all the hot-air dryers are out in the
hand-washy bit? And that’s before we get going on those super-loos!

Mick Turatian
July 16, 2010 at 11:16

You flush the loo by waving your hand…

Having a Wii?

Ch July 15, 2010 at 20:37

The footsteps, where are the footsteps? It’s the only way to start
understanding which way you should be standing, so as to not pee over your own
feet

BTW not touching the handles reminded me of my very first mission abroad in
a wonderful big Northern Italian town in a wonderful big hotel with a
wonderful big bathroom too. As the place was steaming whilst I had my bath, I
saw the cord hanging next to it and pulled it, as I took it for being the
ventilator. In ran within minutes 3 staff, as it was the emergency alert.
Blush, blush, blush, still now when I think about it

Gloria Smudd
July 15, 2010 at 20:49

I narrowly avoided a much less luxurious but very similar version of your
story last summer when I found that I and my daughter had been given one of
the only three ‘facilities for the disabled’ rooms in the Berwick-upon-Tweed
Travelodge. The bathroom was filled with pull-down seats, chrome handles,
non-slip concrete and things to be pulled in the event of heartburn, a big
spider, a glass eye rolling out into the corridor or the main room flooding
(which it did, the ‘wet-room’ being tiled on an incline away from the
drain). We liked it so much we put our key onto the reception desk at 06.15
the next day and arrived at Lindisfarne at 07.00. Lovely. Nothing opens
there until 10.00…… (but once it does, it’s lovely).

I wish now that I’d staged a wet-room calamity and, once fully lathered,
shampooed & Immac’d and with my glass-eye wedged under pedal-bin, pulled
every cord going. How I might have laughed.

Brian July 15, 2010 at 20:30

Doesn’t the photo just show an ordinary loo that one of the XXXXL sized
citizens of Rochdale has sat down too heavily on?
Just a thought, how could
anyone wearing a burka use that with any degree of accuracy without a GPS
aiming system? Are refence marks painted on the walls and floor? And finally,
is the shopping centre sure the pans aren’t pointing at Mecca?

Eleanor July 15, 2010 at 20:25

I shan’t be going shopping in Rochdale soon. If ever.

Ian R Thorpe July
15, 2010 at 20:21

Perhaps you have missed the point here Anna. Knowing the Lanashire mind set
as I do, I suspect the official reason might be politically correct but the
real reason the floor level bos have been installed is they’re much harder for
chavs to kick to bits.

JohnRS July 15, 2010 at 23:59

True, but I’ll wager it takes them but moments to find a way to block
them with something truly creative – like another passing chav’s head.

Ian R Thorpe July 16, 2010 at 19:22

The only way to stop that happening is behead chavs. Those Saudi’s know
a thing or two about public order.

WitteringsfromWitney July
15, 2010 at 20:15

On the H&S aspect – what happens when a midget mistakes it for a
swimming pool? One foresees lots of litigation then……..!

Joe Public
July 15, 2010 at 20:36

“midget”?

“Person of vertically challenged stature”, surely?

Old Slaughter
July 15, 2010 at 19:58

Lol. This is lovely. The second funniest thing I have read today.

I will pull no handles when so exposed.

Joe Public July 15, 2010 at 19:43

Surely, it contravenes Health & Safety Regulations?

A hole in the ground – someone could trip over, or, sprain their ankle,
& sue the council.