The Shipping Forecast
So many nautical terms are open to misinterpretation by landlubbers that anyone poised to set sail really needs to know a gash fanny from a cunt splice; failure to do so could result in kissing the gunner’s daughter. I’ve no doubt our esteemed landlady has done her usual thorough research beforehand, and today all that research will be put to the test as she embarks upon a week-long voyage on board a vessel named after England’s greatest naval hero.
For those of you capable of casting back your minds a couple of months, you may recall Ms Raccoon announcing her intentions to sit at the captain’s table in this post, and circumstances have happily conspired to render her fit and well enough to be in a position to splice the main brace. I, like most of you, am extremely excited for our landlady and just a tad envious. There is something special about a sailing ship. It’s hard to see one in all its glory and not hear the theme tune from ‘The Onedin Line’ swelling up from the seabed – or, alternately, the theme tune from ‘Captain Pugwash’.
I guess it’s in the genes. An island nation we are, and for the majority of our civilised existence, crossing the ocean had been the only method by which we were able to make contact with residents of greater landmasses. Our all-conquering Imperial past would have been impossible without assembling a navy that had complete command of the seas for the best part of a century, and even if we find ourselves marooned in the middle of Britain and are geographically distanced from the coast, there is an impulsive urge in all of us to go there as often as we can, if only to stare at those rolling waves. Boarding a ship is the next stage in this instinctive inheritance. Its allure and romance remains undimmed by our diminished place in the world or even a changing climate that prevents Captain Birdseye from serving endless fish-fingers to a crew of children anymore.
Shorn of the on-board brutality that once accompanied any voyage from these shores, the journey ‘er upstairs will be beginning today is courtesy of the Jubilee Sailing Trust, who no doubt keep encounters with the captain’s daughter to a minimum. Another advantage today’s sailors have over their put-upon predecessors is the ability of those they left behind to follow their adventures via satellite tracking, and the magic of modern technology gives us the opportunity to check the progress of the voyage over the coming week.
So, let us raise a flagon of grog to The Lord Nelson and all who sail in her, especially one whose recollections of her escapades on the seven seas are destined to keep us entertained through every gale warning and squally shower for the next few months.
Petunia Winegum
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August 30, 2015 at 9:11 am -
Forth, Tyne, Dogger, Fisher and German Bight will never have as much interest as when our esteemed Landlady is immediately bending them all to her iron will. There’s more spirit in the woman that in the whole of the bar’s stock-room contents.
Hoping for fair winds, a refreshed return and, between times, frequent updates on the ‘Captain’s daughter’.(She was only the Captain’s daughter, but she was full off the Officers’ Mess – boom, boom.)
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August 30, 2015 at 11:35 am -
Aye aye, mudplugger! Sentiments echoed.
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August 30, 2015 at 4:24 pm -
And there was me thinking that she was only a Captain’s daughter but her naval base was always full of discharged seamen!
Apparently, Master Bates and Roger the cabin boy never sailed with Captain Pugwash …
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August 30, 2015 at 10:32 am -
I seem to remember being able to sing various colourful verses of a song about the Good Ship Venus, long ago….
Also I have a “Comp Crew Grade 1 Certificate” gained by a week’s sailing around the Isle of White! This qualifies me to: (1) make tea below decks, (2) hang out the little rubber buoys that stop the boat from getting scratched when it is being moored, and (3) be sea sick even on a gentle summer day’s swell.
God Bless the Boss and all who sail with her! I shall be keeping an eye on the progress!-
August 30, 2015 at 1:42 pm -
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August 30, 2015 at 4:47 pm -
Wasn’t so much the ‘Isle of White’ that bothered me, but the thought of our Gildas ‘hanging out with little rubber buoys’, which could have been a terribly troublesome typo these days.
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August 30, 2015 at 11:06 am -
The third mates name was Carter,
By God he was a farter.
When the wind would’t blow
And the ship wouldn’t go
They got Carter the farter to start ‘er.: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flatulist
I may be none the wiser, but I am surely better informed.May your Gods go with you, and all those that sail with you.
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August 31, 2015 at 9:44 am -
Erm, my nautical knowledge is approximately zero, but I suspect the Landlady may be hoping for gusty winds rather than gutsy winds. Besides, she’s on a low-fibre diet, so may not be much help in that department.
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August 30, 2015 at 2:19 pm -
Hope the wind is set fair for herself and the enjoyment not spoiled by the tentative @r$e covering by MWT in today’s Times. (Paywall)
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August 30, 2015 at 3:32 pm -
Avast, me hearties! Fair winds…
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August 30, 2015 at 6:02 pm -
Fair winds to our intrepid landlady. Though she firmly averred that she would not be standing on any masts, I do believe she will be hanging over yard-arms to furl and unfurl sails, having survived chemo and other horrors I have full confidence she can overcome her fears and return even more confident in her abilities to overcome problems.-Look out world!
Being able to track her progress on GPS is but a small contribution of the multitude of satellites , I particularly like this graphical representation of wind (and weather systems) which gives some idea where sailing conditions could become challenging.
http://earth.nullschool.net/#current/wind/surface/level/orthographic=6.69,49.92,932
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August 30, 2015 at 6:33 pm -
I had to look them up. A gash fanny is no worse than a South African naval term for a rubbish bin and a c*nt splice is now known as a cut splice, joinig two ropes together in line. Trust Pet to find obscure dirty words!
And Gildas’s little buoys are usually called fenders.
I’m sure the landlady will enjoy her boating trip – it’s the others on board who have my sympathy!
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August 30, 2015 at 7:49 pm -
Apparently…according to the GPS (the ‘S’ stands for ‘Sorcery’?)…The Landlady is braving the Straits of Dagenham-probably something like that scene in “Sinbad Goes Postal On Little Plasticine Models”..
Need i add that THIS Dwarf stays as much as possible on dry land and is only able to tell the difference between a boat and a ship because the later serves drinks? A Childhood on the Norfolk Sea-Cide and The Sea Scouts has left me with a healthy respect for water what is deeper than I is talls.
Remember Dear Landlady, that bit of water you’re on ‘did’ for poor old Graves…whoever he was.
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August 30, 2015 at 8:08 pm -
Had a few waggling weekends years ago on a club boat in the Solent, Gambit was the unlikely name. Can still see why sail is infectious.
Great lads fun but when the dearest isn’t interested it’s not going to become a serious hobby. Probably just as well as owning a boat is a good way to reduce ones fortune rapidly.
Still think fondly of a good friend in RSA who’d served as a seaman gunner but couldn’t understand what the rooineks found funny about that. He had a Halcat & let me try it on a local dam. Incredible fun. Fast & forgiving, stop on a sixpence, unlike a Laser I overturned one summer in the middle of Ullswater. Two feet of tepid water under-laid by ice cold pain.
I somehow think (& hope) Anna won’t be too close to Conrad. -
August 30, 2015 at 10:10 pm -
August 31, 2015 at 2:42 am -
Anyone for a spanking?
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