On Bankruptcy and Miracles
This is a very personal post.
So trust me that although I have changed certain salient details for various reasons, the essential crux of the facts are true. In fact, the full story is a bit more dramatic and unhappy than needs to be told. This week I chose to go bankrupt. Or rather, I didn’t bother defending the bankruptcy petition. This post is about how I got to here, and finding the good in it.
First, my chosen profession is legal, and specifically the conduct of civil and commercial litigation. It can be a good profession, and well paid, but it can also be and often is a demanding profession which takes a toll and it is not always well paid. Sometimes difficult cases are not valuable cases, and vice versa. Second, by inclination I am neither a risk taker nor a spendthrift. I was of the old school ‘don’t buy it until you can afford to buy it’ type. I don’t like fast cars, or need fancy goods. I don’t gamble or do drugs. In fact I had an aversion to debt born of my observations at work. Until the events described below I never had an overdraft or a credit card. There was a time when I was well off, with a gorgeous house and a flat for convenience at work during the week. Then in 1999 I sold my house, against my better judgment, and for reasons of extensive travel. I put the money in the bank and intended to save up and put a deposit on a new one. It was a strategic disaster. The next year house prices went through the roof. There is more back story to this, but it doesn’t matter.
In 2002 I suffered bereavement. I lost someone I loved very, very much. I fell apart with grief, barely able to function. So I know about grief, and it didn’t seem to shift. I have no doubt that I had a breakdown, and the fall was far and the ground was hard. There was no one to help cushion the blow. Foolishly I kept working. I should have taken a sabbatical, but there was no one to give me that advice. I don’t want to go into details, but on the personal front I was also ill-used by someone I trusted. A person got me involved in subsidising their business ventures and persuaded me of the huge benefit of what were with hindsight hugely stupid decisions which I trustingly and naively underwrote, and being locked into those is the essential cause of my present position. Soon I was cleaned out. We had a new regime at work and again I also was at the receiving end of some “Office Politics” (not my game) which saw me being marginalised on the work and income front. Add in a recession which has hit my chosen profession as badly as any other, and you have the perfect storm
I began to wake up. I remember looking at my bank statements and realising for the first time how the money had been bled away, but I still slow on the uptake. The flat had gone; sold to fund some damaging project on promises of repayment which were, as ever, not fulfilled. That person has moved on to cause more distress elsewhere. I was effectively homeless and debt ridden. In my late 40’s I was obliged to move in with my now very elderly parents, which was I suppose a blessing but not ideal. From a back study I moved on to a new place of work and started over, this time with an anchor of debt round me. I went into what is known as an Individual Voluntary Arrangement, a compact with creditors but I also had the added burden of a mortgage on a vandalised house (I did tell you, the full story is horrible) to try to keep up. It has been a dark place at times. I spent a lot of time pondering: why me? I’m a good guy, by and large. Were my sins so bad as to deserve this? I read far and wide, looking for answers. Some have come, some palatable, some not so.
I think I understand now. I think the psychological wound of the bereavement left me highly vulnerable, and desperate for some security which someone seemed to offer, and less interested in my career than I should have been. I still berate myself sometimes, and I am not trying to avoid responsibility, but I can understand it. I was very isolated – it is partly the nature of my job. I discovered diversion in the internet a diversion. By a series of coincidences I was prompted to adopt the identity of Gildas the Monk. It seemed appropriate; an isolated, monastic figure, railing at the iniquities of the world. By another series of coincidences I discovered this site, and our landlady extended a hand of friendship. I found an outlet in writing. It gave me an outlet and a challenge. Thanks, Boss. Then I was rediscovered by my friend, of whom I have often written, Dr F. We had lost contract so many years ago. She and her husband have offered me unconditional love and financial support too. I struggled on and on, paying off as much as I could. I have done quite well, but “post” recession (post??!!) is tough. In the end, I was exhausted. I thought: stuff this. More accurately, I think I was worn out. So, I stopped paying and awaiting the results.
Here’s the thing. There is a work called “A Course in Miracles” which I have mentioned before. Again as I have mentioned, it is not a course about angels intervening and people levitating; it is a work which fuses spirituality and psychology with the goal of obtaining peace of mind. In this context a “miracle” is often something like a change of perception; a change of perception about a situation which in turn can allow for a change in circumstances to take place; not deleting a problem by Celestial Intervention from on high, than allowing a change in how to think about the problem. On the other hand…
I found myself in Manchester a few weeks ago. I was particularly low and anxious, and decided I would go to lunchtime Mass at the beautiful city centre church of St Mary’s, known locally as “the Hidden Gem”. I never made it. I bumped into a kindly colleague, a chance meeting which is highly unusual. Even more unusually she had time for a coffee, and we talked. I told her about my present woes. She gave me good advice. Don’t worry, she said. This may be a good thing. Take some time off, and rest. Re-assess your career, and whether you want to do it. Don’t live for the opinions of others. Maybe take a holiday. Maybe take the time for a complete change, or find more fulfilling work. All advice I could have given myself, but needed to hear from someone else. I felt lighter. Such wisdom and common sense was what I really needed, just then. Chance? I was very down, but I feel funny now. I feel tired physically tired, but there is something else. Relief? Perhaps, but it’s weird. It’s almost…excitement? I had forgotten what that felt like. I began to see the positives in this. Free from endlessly paying. And some unpleasant people who were hounding me get to lose out; I don’t have to deal with my former colleagues who were still demanding contributions to a place where I haven’t set foot in 5 years. Screw you. You have the problem now. Another thing was I have learned who my real friends are.
Other ideas have come crowding in. Do I enjoy my job anymore? I’ve been doing it for more than 25 years. Well no, not very much. Changes to the legal system, cranky judges, greedy clients squabbling over money…I know very few of my comrades who handle the work a day drudge of legal work that are not stressed and unhappy. Do I really want to keep doing this? Maybe not. Maybe I could do something different, make a change. Maybe this was a signal to re-asses completely and make a fresh start. Maybe I could be…..happy? There is a concept developed by the psychologist Carl Jung called the wounded healer. It inspired this, which I came across on Twitter, or some such. I hope I am not being arrogant, but somehow it struck a chord with me. My needs are few. A little house to rent, a radio to listen to the news and footie, maybe some homemade wine and a few treats. Maybe for the good of my health I can do more walking? I could recharge my batteries for a while. Maybe find a job with more meaning, or fall back in love with my profession? Maybe write a novel? Maybe start a business and become a millionaire? Maybe I could have a future unlike the past? So, oddly, I feel very good. My instincts are usually good. I think good change is on the way. It is odd.
Tonight I shall head off to a little spa hotel in the part of town I used to love living in. Nothing fancy, you understand, just a gym, pool and a steam room. And from thence to the friendly old pub. Therein I shall drink some wine, and ponder the miracle there could be in this. Finally, all of you who have been kind to my various efforts over the years. Thank you. God Bless. I shall raise a glass to you.
Gildas the Monk
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September 8, 2014 at 10:18 am -
Almost horrid to say, but with affection nonetheless…. welcome to the club Sir. Betrayal, embezzlement/extortion, illness, collapse. Throw in Foolishness. Physician heal thyself sprang to mind so many times but I could not find it in me to believe myself. In and out of my own Ward. But Divine Providence and a Mercy previously not experienced ‘righted’ me and I am content in my small rented place on my mountain. Hermit and happy. Expand on the inside (along with the waistline).
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September 8, 2014 at 10:25 am -
Yet to read the entire posting Gildas, but you’ve used a double negative:
“…..I didn’t not bother …..”
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September 8, 2014 at 10:32 am -
The notion that any form of Death and Resurrection can actually be a good thing isn’t too fashionable these days. But I do trust that, in making the choice, you find your new life to be a lighter burden than your first. Best wishes…
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September 8, 2014 at 10:39 am -
Thanks for sharing your tribulations, Gildas. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.
No doubt, a great weight is now lifted off your shoulders.
I hope the future brings what you desire.
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September 8, 2014 at 11:23 am -
Gildas, I have been where you are.
The important thing to remember is that it takes time, more time than you probably realise, but it does get better – the spring in the step does return. Good friends and family are key to that, sometimes the smallest kind gesture can have the greatest effect. Believe in yourself, keep doing good things and remember to think about yourself occasionally – by all means remain a monk, but ensure that you do not become a hermit.
Best of luck for the future. -
September 8, 2014 at 11:24 am -
Been there too, Gildas and its not a fun place. I was lucky and managed to extricate myself without bankruptcy.
Take a nice deep breathe of freedom – and savour it. Don’t think on those who hounded you; with hindsight you’ll realise how much damage you could have inflicted upon them for their actions – and the “if only I’d done/known that, I could have…” will infuriate you. Don’t just walk away – don’t look back either, except to learn.
Your writing seems cathartic – keep it up. In any case, where else are we going to wallow in the well written, useless historical trivia that in another, previous article you hinted at wanting to write?
In summary – all the best for the future.
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September 8, 2014 at 11:24 am -
Follow your whimsy…it will take you to good places.
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September 8, 2014 at 11:28 am -
XX Thank you. God Bless. I shall raise a glass to you.XX
O.K. A bit late, but I shall raise onr to you too Gildas, so long as you can except mine is full of rum, and not wine.
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September 8, 2014 at 11:46 am -
Thank you all. I still feel better. There was a little caption that didn’t get printed/inserted, on the topic of the “Wounded Healer”. It reads thus:
“Wounded Healers”
They are not borne and they are not made
They create themselves through conquering adversity, trial and error, and extreme pain and suffering.
They conquer fear and find a way to speak their truth when they are afraid.
In doing so they shine a light for others who are lost and feeling alone and in return their inner light ignites with renewed purpose.
A purpose greater than they ever imagined”I don’t know who wrote it, but someone sent it to me out of the blue. As I say, it may be arrogant but I do find some meaning in it.
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September 8, 2014 at 12:37 pm -
Thanks for writing that.
It really sounds to me as if you were in a hole and kept on digging. This is very common, especially when people have a highly-developed sense of responsibility. It’s easy to become trapped in the mentality that one more push is all that is needed, when in fact you should be asking yourself if the game is worth the candle and even more so if there is no one round you on whom you can rely to tell you this. I also think you had terrible bad luck. That is not a popular thing to say nowadays when we are all supposed to make our own luck, but if you look around you at the awful lives led by so many people, whether victims of war, poverty, illness, grinding labour, so much of it simply the result of geographical malpropinquity (being born into adverse circumstances of a kind we in the developed world can’t imagine), you’ll see that a lot of what befalls humanity is – sheer rotten bad luck. We have to find a way of accommodating this which doesn’t leave us utterly passive and fatalistic or deluded into thinking that it is a flaw in our character that everything doesn’t work out well for us.
I think you’re dealing with this really well. What you describe is a series of hammer blows. I have a lot of respect for your ability to process what happened to you. You’ll do OK, trust me.
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September 8, 2014 at 12:45 pm -
Thank you
I can see what happened. The what one philosopher called the old “one tw0″ – a body blow and betrayal personally, and a getting handed what is colloquially called the shit end of the stick at work.
As you say, I have struggled gamely on, when the real question is: is this making my happy, or worth it.
There is one thing, look closely and notice the odd number of coincidences which have helped me in some way. Maybe it’s just my imagination.
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September 8, 2014 at 1:01 pm -
Go for it, Mr G.
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September 8, 2014 at 1:37 pm -
Some people are lucky, born happy, or not; but everybody is happy after a struggle.
Gildas, if you want to see real madness, just look at those who have it all, except difficulty, and how they invent their own demons to compensate.
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September 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm -
Hey Gildas
Good Fortune
I think you may starting a journey where discovering happiness is about discarding much of what you were told were essentials to being a successful human being.
Teilhard De Chardin said, amongst many clever things, words to the effect that we are spiritual beings enjoying a human existence rather than human beings having a spiritual dimension. You probably now hold much of the world in which you have lived with something approaching contempt (Gosh dare I say correctly without inciting the one thing that I can usefully warn against) if you taking the route that I think you may be venturing upon —- but take care not to show it too much —-remember that whilst you have chosen the model you have you still have a human existence —rendering unto Caesar so to speak —–measure that portion necessary with real real care —- it is less than you thought in the past but probably greater than you think is it’s fair portion now—-just the right amount to keep the world at bay whilst you regroup (and if you take care) regroup you will for certain and you are not wrong that in thinking better fortune will lie ahead.
You come from the same generation of litigating lawyers that I do so unsettling any new generation lawyer will be a piece of cake and probably ultimately fun because of its predictability —just remember new generation lawyers aren’t interested in any outcome but the completion of time sheets that result in recoverable costs —-that is the only interest and the only end— and if you know that and throw every spanner available in that costs machine you will take them apart if they come after you —such is the nature of the law now —-and such of course the nature of Justice thrown up in the age in which we live. .-
September 8, 2014 at 2:49 pm -
Oh Gildas before I forget I reckon that on your journey, having abandoned the companions and the values you were told were to be emulated and striven for in life you will discover (should that be rediscover ?) companions and values in whom and in which you will find (should that be find again ?) real merit for such people and things continue to exist even if they are not in the mainstream —-and don’t doubt the model that served you badly is flawed and has a limited life span —better it let you down now than investing too much more in it and it failing you individually later —but for those who have clung on to the bitter end when it implodes.
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September 8, 2014 at 3:43 pm -
Deep stuff, Steve. I appreciate that. There is a lot in that that I agree with and shall ponder. I suppose what I am saying at the heart is: maybe I can find a blessing in all this. Sometimes what seems a disaster can in fact put us back on a track where we are supposed to be.
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September 8, 2014 at 1:50 pm -
A truly inspiring piece. Thank you. God Bless and Good Luck. X
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September 8, 2014 at 1:55 pm -
I’ve had bad times, too. Not to the extent of yours, but painful and deeply challenging nonetheless. I can only echo what InLikeFlint said; it does take time, but it does get better, and slowly slowly, you do see sunlight through the clouds. Lilith is right, too – if you follow your ‘bliss’, things can work out surprisingly well. It can be something of a seach to find it, maybe with false starts, but when you do things click into place in a most surprising way. Good luck with your search – and don’t forget to enjoy the journey.
What you say about your professional colleagues rings many bells for me. I suppose it’s a reflection of human nature, but the intellectual professions do seem to attract more than their fair share of people who allow their ego and personal ambition – and greed – to cloud their judgement. They seem to happen a lot in larger organisations; smaller, closer-knit firms seem less prone to the problem. Their backstabbing and office politics causes grief for others out of all proportion to their final worth, but it doesn’t stop them. They’d be much happier people if they just kept to doing their job – serving their clients – as best they could. It’s best if you find yourself in such a situation to walk away and leave them to it. Life’s too short to spend most of it fighting unnecessary political battles. I do also know that their are plenty of decent, honourable people about too. It’s just harder to spot them, sometimes.
Let life take you where it will. Keep on writing the blog posts, too. You’re a fine writer, and an engaging one – your historical pieces are deeply researched, lively, enlightening and a real pleasure to read. Your more autobiographical pieces are thoughtful and thought-provoking. Many people write, but few write really well. You write really well.
A near neighbour of mine is struggling with alcoholism. It’s cost her much, but she’s trying hard to beat the demon. In trying to be a decent neighbour and friend, I’ve tried to do my bit to help, little though that help is. She told me that one thing you’re taught on the addiction courses is that what’s gone is gone. You can’t change the past. It’s happened and it can’t be altered. However, you can live in the present – enjoy the moment, and do your best to savour it.
Savour the moment, Gildas. The future is a better place.
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September 8, 2014 at 3:44 pm -
Thank you Engineer – coming from you that is very moving for me
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September 8, 2014 at 2:34 pm -
Very traumatic – I had a lot of sympathy for you… until I got to the last paragraph:
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Tonight I shall head off to a little spa hotel in the part of town I used to love living in. Nothing fancy, you understand, just a gym, pool and a steam room. And from thence to the friendly old pub. Therein I shall drink some wine, and ponder the miracle there could be in this.
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Let’s hope the Official Receiver doesn’t read this, or your stiffed creditors, for that matter.
You have a legal training – best use it and keep your pen under control…-
September 8, 2014 at 2:47 pm -
“…stiffed creditors…”
It seems to me that Gildas was the one ‘stiffed’. His ‘creditors’ appear a singularly rapacious bunch, deserving little – if any – sympathy.
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September 8, 2014 at 3:45 pm -
No it’s OK – I am allowed my reasonable needs, and that is reasonable.
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September 8, 2014 at 3:51 pm -
£43 for the hotel via Booking.Com. I don’t think he will get too wound up about it
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September 8, 2014 at 4:05 pm -
Please forgive my abrupt manner! I hope you are right…
Ahh, reasonable needs… there used to be something about ‘tools of trade’ = one pencilAll the best for the future you now have!
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September 8, 2014 at 4:46 pm -
Yes George – you are right. I am entitled to my ordinary/reasonable needs, and I occasionally debunk to get a night’s “respite” from my present circumstances, so I don’t think I have been naughty. I am, indeed, quite careful with my pen…
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September 8, 2014 at 2:50 pm -
As someone who works in the trade i deal with things like this all the time, and to be honest George Meredith I think that for most people the best thing after an event like is to have some time to think, to work out what you want with life and what you can return back. To many times i see people who are stumbling from court with there world round there ankles, ears full of the silence due to the lack of good advice and suffering from whiplash due to the sheey number of knee jerk reactions that they have had.
So work out your life Gildas and make your contribution… as you already are.
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September 8, 2014 at 3:36 pm -
you will breath easier now this debt is removed from you.
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September 8, 2014 at 5:07 pm -
Very best of luck old monk.
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September 8, 2014 at 5:56 pm -
It takes courage to face those traumas, it takes a different courage to work through them and yet another brand of courage to write about it so openly. With a set of courages like that, a good outcome must be waiting somewhere down the line.
Most of us here wish you well and will offer whatever remote support we can to one of our own. Nowadays, friends are not only those folk you can touch in the flesh, this Interweb-thingy means you can touch friends across the ether, often friends you have never met and possibly never will, but they’re all with you in spirit and looking forward to sharing in your victorious emergence from it all, whenever that arrives.
Courage, mon brave.
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September 8, 2014 at 7:44 pm -
When Aldous Huxley’s LA house burned down, with most of his work and possessions in it, he said he felt (something like) relief or liberation.
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September 8, 2014 at 8:27 pm -
Thank you all for your many kindnesses, now and previously
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September 9, 2014 at 8:27 pm -
Gildas, fancy a real break to get away from it ? Have a small yacht down in Greece you can live on, or put you up here in sunny Bulgaria.
Think Anna probably has my e-mail addy.
Chin up mate, you’re one of the good ones !
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September 8, 2014 at 8:30 pm -
I’m sure you have the necessary courage and backbone to win through as it took both qualities to write the piece. Time for further reflection now – which will be so much easier now the pressure is off. Good luck my friend. You have the good wishes of many on our landlady’s site.
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September 8, 2014 at 8:50 pm -
Exactly. I am just going to relax for a bit, and let things be. There will come a time for action and intense work – but my instincts tell me: not yet.
I took a stroll in the early Autumn sunshine this evenings. The Pennines looked nice. I felt terribly tired. But also, OK.
Tonight, football on the telly and a glass of wine…
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September 8, 2014 at 9:13 pm -
Your post touched a nerve with me, as I’ve gone through something very similar. The betrayal from so-called friends was the worst. All behind me now, so I won’t go on about it. Yes, what’s past is past, you cannot change it. You might as well move on. If it’s any comfort, you are not alone. There are many in the same boat. Sometimes there is comfort in starting again, cutting the dead wood from your life. New growth can only come forth.
Good luck, you deserve it.
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September 8, 2014 at 10:16 pm -
The most important thing is not to give up. Think it through, but not too much introspection, then kick the can and go out there again. If you’ve behaved well no-one that matters will be against you and you will find the world is on your side. Look at the people as you walk down the street, they’re like you, they wish you well.
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September 8, 2014 at 10:29 pm -
I can’t claim to have been betrayed, but I do know of the perpetually corrosive issues from the past; I think they call that endogenous, decisions from which it was impossible to avoid guilt, or the assumption that with just a bit more effort this or that could be sorted.
But we are finite in what we and our bodies can do- I recall ‘managing’ a business, hundreds of jobs at stake, just about functioning, being incapable of writing my own name.
Sometimes we have to accept that it’s not an intellectual, or even an energy issue, and the body takes over; shut down, sat in the corner; if you’re lucky, as I was, a loved one takes over.
There are skills that can be learned to avoid more trouble – I know that taking on certain tasks, no matter how apparently uncomplicated or undemanding, are a sure route to agonising about the irrelevant.
Self protection; walk away.
Let somebody else do it even if you know you could do it better.
You can’t stop what happens when you sleep.
Just try not to pick the scab. -
September 9, 2014 at 12:39 am -
An intriguing and inspiring story, thank you.
It has inspired me to start trying to put into words my last 7 years (extraordinary – attempted betterment led down some strange avenues, some personal disaster and a whole heap of strangeness, but both increased resolve and weariness) -
September 9, 2014 at 2:20 am -
Thanks for sharing that Gildas.
I have a rather similar history and in fact emerged from bankruptcy just about a year ago. The cause of my downfall was buying some older rental apartments in Florida after the sudden death of my former wife, and the whole thing unwound with the Florida property crash of a few years ago, combined with the contruction of a new government funded housing complex nearby that took away my low income tenants, and various elements that took away the work that my illegal Mexican tenants depended on. In bankruptcy I lost everything at the age of 58 except my small government pension fund. However, life goes on and I have a beautiful young wife and two wonderful young children and now I work for them and count my blessings every day and have never been happier. I just hope I live long enough to give them a start in life, because they will never inherit anything from me.
Just take one day at a time, and you will be alright.
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September 9, 2014 at 9:22 am -
Keep up the good work and lean on us. After many years I realised that friends don’t betray you, only those you thought were friends.
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September 9, 2014 at 9:35 am -
September 9, 2014 at 9:52 am -
I am glad I posted this. As I suspected, many people in today’s world have suffered similarly. I hope the piece and the comments are a ray of hope – for me and for others
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September 9, 2014 at 11:12 am -
Sorry to hear of your troubles, and I think you’re right – underlining it with the bankruptcy & making a fresh start may well be the best way forward.
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September 9, 2014 at 6:55 pm -
Do not think of it as a bankruptcy…..think of it as a “Jubilee”. I learned to be happy with a lot less purely to get out from under the pressures of a career in the legal system. I have not regretted the decision for one moment since.
I wish you Good Luck……and note that you may be starting on the road to making your own luck.-
September 10, 2014 at 11:06 am -
Thanks Jack – I don’t know anyone who has regretted leaving it. I am open to new ideas now
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September 9, 2014 at 11:21 pm -
Reading this, something brought to mind Jesus’ words in the vision of Julian of Norwich that “All shall be well”, and I believe that it will be so.
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September 10, 2014 at 3:53 am -
Good Luck and God speed Gildas.
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