Have women become totally incapable of handling their own lives without the aid of the State to wield a big stick for them?
I ask because an extraordinary case is winding its way through Southwark Crown Court at immense expense to the taxpayer â brought about by a woman who in another age would have handled things very differently. The case has been running for six months now; the lengths the State has had to go to protect the various witnesses quite unbelievable â it is impossible to calculate at this stage the ultimate cost of this operation, and all because the woman blew hot and cold over an office romance. Suffice it to say that the man concerned remained steadfast in his affections. An army of lawyers are currently arguing over whether this amounted to âharassmentâ.
Such is the sensitivity of the particular office that these two worked in that the woman is known in court as â2363â². He has been given the false code name of âMarkâ â though why he couldnât be â2364â², I have no idea. I shall rename him forthwith.
Anyway, â2363â²s main complaint seems to be that â2364â² kissed her in lift No â21â² whilst he/she was on his/her way to office No â54829â² in building No â418â² for the purpose of talking to â5849â². Are you with me so far? Good! Because they are all giving their evidence behind screens so the only way you will know that â2363â² is possibly female or just another screwed up member of the Security Services is the fact that his/her long painted fingernails are on view below the screen.
â2363â² and â2364â² had an 18 month affair, which ended when â2364â² got very upset at Andy Murray losing at Wimbledon. Andy Murray has a lot to answer for. Game Set and Match to â2363â².
â2363â² went round to â2364â²s flat the following month to collect his/her clothes, but â2364â² swore his undying love for him/her, and he/she was so charmed by the use of the word âloveâ outside of a tennis match that he/she fell into bed with him and all was forgiven. Love All to â2364â².
The following month â2364â² arrived uninvited at a birthday party for a colleague (â2365â² I do believe!) that â2363â² was attending in the Public House known as the Ye Olde â213â² and â214â². The jury have at least been allowed to see an âxâ on the map where the Ye Olde â213â² and â214â² is, but not to know the actual name of itâ¦not being members of the Secret Service they will not be able to work this out for themselves. They need to know where it is because they have to decide for themselves just how likely it was that â2364â² followed â2363â² from the Ye Olde â213â² and â214â² to the nearest Tube Station which was of course, Tube Station â892Â½â on the â79â² line. Still with me? Good, its important, because â2363â² alleges that she then agreed to go back to â2364â²s flat to have a cup of tea.
â2364â², who we must remember had been imbibing alcohol at Ye Olde â213â² and â214â² along with â2363â², then became âirate, angry, throwing things around, laughing or at times even cryingâ. â2364â² allegedly ârolled around on the floor, crying and thumping the groundâ. One too many in Ye Olde â213â² and â214â² can affect some people like that, we call it âtired and emotionalâ but this lot probably have a code word for it. Anyway, â2363â² got fed up listening to â2364â² harking on about the old days in Station No â419862â² and took herself off to bed, not her own bed silly, but bed in â2364â²s flat. â2364â² appears to have misread this signal, or not decoded it properly or something.
Because he then â Oh heinous individual that â2364â² is â sent â2363â² an e-mail on the super duper top secret e-mail system that they had both been provided with. Noooo!
Worse, no really, it does get much worseâ¦
There â2363â² was, standing at bus stop No â567â² with colleague No â8956â² who is also giving evidence behind a screen, when â2364â² approached her early in the morning, hands shaking, obviously unwell (another heavy night in Ye Olde â213â² and â214â² one suspects) and muttered âLatte, latteâ, which seems a perfectly reasonable response to the effects of another heavy night in Ye Olde â213â² and â214â² and indeed, she took the hint and agreed to go for coffee with him. She said when they went to a cafÃ© he started acting âpartially insaneâ.
âHe would say he loved me and would marry me,â she told the court.
âPartially insaneâ indeed.
Not only that, but it was at this point that he kissed her in lift No â21â² whilst he/she was on his/her way to office No â54829â² etc., etc.
âIt is quite inappropriate to kiss someone in the lift at work when you have already said âNoâ, said â2363â².
â2364â² tracked down â2363â²s motherâs house and told her mother that he would marry her daughter within two years. He also sent flowers to â2363â²s home despite her attempts to keep the address secret, the court was told.
Well, a lot of us have this sort of trouble â trying to keep things secret from the Security Services; why â2363â² thought she could keep a little thing like her address secret from a Government spy who had access to all the secrets in the entire big wide world beats me, but there you go.
At this point, â2363â² did what any sensible modern woman does, and
gave â2364â² a sharp kick in the old â7589â²s appealed to the authorities. She reported â2364â² to âUman Resources. â2364â² promptly accused â2363â² of attempting to ruin his career. Bish! Bosh! Match point.
âUman Resources ordered the pair of them not to speak to each other ever again, which seems eminently sensible, but needless to say, they continued to meet up to three times a week after work.
The final straw was when â2364â² forced his way into â2363â²s flat and she responded by
calling the police/ giving â2364â² a sharp kick in the old â7589â²s, making him lunch and settling down to watch a weepy movie together, as you do when being sexually harassed.
âHe lunged at me as if he was going to kiss me multiple times,â said 2363.
After some two hours of being lunged at âas thoughâ he was going to kiss her (Noooo!) â2363â² burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom.
The unbelievably expensive trial of â2364â² on a charge of sexual harassment continuesâ¦.
In other news; Andy Murray managed to hang onto his Brisbane International Title:
âIâd like to dedicate this victory to one of my best friends. Heâs back home watching â youâre going to get through it.â
â2364â²? Andy is thinking of youâ¦.