If I was a duck, I would speak to other ducks. If I was a little boy I would play with other little boys. And if I was a slightly sinister, faceless corporate machine with my snout firmly buried in a publicly funded trough, I would talk to other similarly slightly sinister, faceless blood sucking corporate machines who shared my taste for the feast.  For birds of a feather flock together. And so LOCOG talks to G4S, and G4S talks to LOCOG. They are soul mates. Without the soul bits.

Pausing there, have you noticed their names? Not for them sensible and descriptive names that our Victorian forefathers might have used. No, the sinister hand of the management and PR consultant has been at work, and “corporate-branding” adopted, doubtless at huge expense. But then these corporations can afford it.

G4S are to be paid just shy of £300 million pounds to provide the security for The Hunger – sorry – Olympic Games, I hear. But G4S  has failed to provide all the necessary personnel. There are tales of people applying for jobs but never hearing back. People going without training. General incompetence. Chaos.

And so more than 3,500 personnel from the Armed Services – the size of a full brigade – are to be supplied to bridge the gap. Good job there have been no cuts there then….

The chief executive of G4S cries mea culpa! The company will lose £50 million pounds on the deal he says, and beats his breast!

Oh, will it? The problem with that is that it would violate Godwin’s Law. Godwin’s Law simply states that in modern Britain, where any very large corporation creates a complete fiasco and lets its spending go wildly out of control, it must be bailed out by public funds, and neither it nor those responsible for running it can ever be made to make reparations for what has gone wrong and the huge cost of their incompetence and greed to you and me.

The corollary to Goodwin’s Law is Balls’ Law, which states that the capacity of government to tax and spend is infinite, as is the capacity of Joe Public to pay, and Joe Public must pay every penny of tax due, or face the wrath of government.

I listened to Margaret Hodge being interviewed on breakfast radio yesterday morning. She is “chair” of the Public Accounts Committee, and for once an MP and a Labour one at that sounded reasonably sensible. Some interesting things emerged:

• The original contract with G4S was for a sum of £86 million. It was only signed off in 2010.
• The money being used to pay G4S is public money. Our money. It is not provided from sponsorships and so forth.
• By the time the question of the costs of security came before the Public Accounts Select Committee at just before Christmas last year, a little less than 2 years later, the cost of security had quadrupled to £284 million.
• The Committee immediately had real doubts about deliverability under the contract as it then stood because of the sudden increase in numbers of staff (10,000) being asked for and promised. They were given assurances by both LOCOG and the government departments involved that all would be well.
• The original 2010 contract envisaged “overheads” (administrative costs involved in recruiting the staff) at a cost of £10 million. By Christmas 2011 these had risen to £125 million, an increase way out of proportion to the increase in staff, and the increased figure remained unexplained.
• It is wholly unclear – according to Hodge – who signed off on these contracts: whether LOCOG, the Government, or both.
• It is unclear what, if any, penalty clauses there may be in the contract. Indeed the precise terms of the contract has never been revealed to the Committee.

So will G4S really lose out? Will it really pay any damages – in real money, not notional credits and debits? Of course for a start they will not be paying the wages of the people they have failed to recruit. Will they pay the wages of the soldiers, sailors and airmen being used to fill the gaps? If not, they save on that. And is there an element of “transaction costs” built into the contract so that G4S would not lose out anyway? I think we can guess the answers to all these questions. A cynic might say they never intended to fulfil the contract. Take the money, yes, but go to bother of employing all those people? Why would you when the army will have to take up the slack?

The history of public procurement in this country ranging from military helicopters that cannot fly in wet weather and billions spent on equipment for planes that are no longer in service, to failed and bloated IT projects is little less than a scandal. Smart but incompetent or corrupt private sector companies must look on these contracts and the departments that “negotiate” them very much in the way a hungry fox eyes up an unguarded and highly populated chicken coup. So I very much doubt that Godwin’s Law will in practice be violated in this case.

Meanwhile, more signs of impending fiasco are becoming evident, notwithstanding the best efforts of the Media Thought Police to sell us all the Olympic Dream. Tickets go unsold because the system is crap, or they are too expensive (or both). Others are sold off illegally and at great profit by the charming members of the “Olympic Family”.

The appalling still emblem looks like a pink swastika painted by a six year old child with learning difficulties (cost: £400,000), and I heard some “Official Olympic music” last week. You may wish thank The Lord that I couldn’t find it again on YouTube, as I would rather slam my head in a car door than listen to that garbage again, and I suspect you  would too, dear reader.

And I also hear weird and dark rumours about what will be visited upon us in the opening ceremony, from wondering cows and sheep to so-called “mosh” pits (something to do with pop concerts, I really don’t know or care), punk tat and, worst of all, Sir Paul McCartney. Dear Lord, not that.

All of these are “emblems of Britain”, I am told. Well, sheep are nice enough, I suppose, especially boiled and made into stew, but unless one was making an ironic comment on the Parliamentary Whip system or voters in general, they not exactly my symbol of choice. As for the others, they are no part of my culture, my land, my blood ties, my heritage, my Britain. I have a few emblems of my own I would like to suggest. There is still time to fit them in, I think, with two weeks to go. They should feature prominently in the opening ceremony as symbols of what or our Green and Pleasant Land has become:

• Road works with nobody working and Average Speed Cameras everywhere
• A banker with a fat and untaxed bonus
• His cleaner on the minimum wage
• An MP with a duck house
• An extremely well off Council Chief Executive
• A Food Bank
• A “Happy Eid” sign in faerie lights
• A WAG, Jordan and Cheryl Cole
• A “To Let” sign in a high street shop
• A branch of Tesco
• Another branch of Tesco, quite close nearby
• A skip
• Simon Cowell
• A belligerent and rude policeman
• A man in a high visibility vest with a clip board, doing nothing
• A traffic accident staged for insurance purposes and a shifty looking no win, no fee lawyer
• A morbidly fat Welsh teenager pushing a starving and dehydrated pensioner around on a hospital trolley upon which said pensioner has been dumped
• An obese member of the House of Lords, clad in Ermine, and eating a huge pie. Called John,
• A cabinet made up entirely of a Cabal of public school educated millionaires and bullies
• A closed down Public House
• Harriet Harman
• An illegal immigrant
• Frankie Boyle
• John Barrowman

What a parade it would make! There you have real symbols of modern Britain. What have I missed? Plenty probably. And on that hopefully provocative note, I am off to the pub, if I can find one. Where I shall remain until The Hunger Games are over, with any luck.

  Gildas the Monk

JohnB July 16, 2012 at 08:52

My dear Marxist aunt smugly told me, one upon a time, that the British lion
was now a nice pussy cat.
So could my suggestion be an overweight moggy in
a high visibility jacket nipping the heads off anyone who strays onto a
zil-lane?

Iain July 15, 2012 at 20:28

I am going to respectfully disagree with much of the above (the comments on
the Olympics anyway).

There is much to be proud of here. The venues all seem to have been
completed ahead of schedule and barring some minor hiccups everything seems to
be ready. There is the usual pettifogging bureaucracy that surrounds
everything of significance that goes on in the UK, that is not the Olympics
fault but that of the politicians we elect and the timeservers they allow to
run things. The newspapers and BBC to a large extent have focused on negatives
as is their wont and ignored the positives as do many of the posts above. I
hope the Olympics is a tremendous success, many of the athletes achieve their
personal bests and the audiences have a wonderful time. In this I speak as one
who has little interest in sport, will watch little of the Olympics and will
avoid London during the games.

I think those who are criticizing above forget that ultimately the Olympics
are a celebration of individual effort and achievement. It is a high and low
point for many and a lift from the day to day. While it is possible to be a
grad grind and deny all joy while others strive, the Olympics should be
something that a libertarian should be able to appreciate for itself. It is
not about the bureaucrats and sponsors it is about the athletes and extreme
emotions. Be thankful that there are still such moments.

GildasTheMonk
July 16, 2012 at 15:05

Bravo Iain – I am glad we can foster debate as well as the odd (highly
enjoyable) rant!

cascadian July 15, 2012 at 19:50

It is indeed strange how a gathering of athletes to promote excellence
becomes a bloated gathering of hangers-on gorging themselves on five-star
everything and access to everything at no cost. The olympics celebrate one
thing-how to live like a communist turd world dictator. This is exemplified by
building monstrous caged enclosures of dubious merit, showcasing meretricious
design (vile pink logo’s and childlike fonts), severely inconveniencing the
plebs for the olympic families enjoyment, and wasting fortunes in the process.
And if history is anything to go by it will destroy one of the few legitimate
means of foreign earnings for the summer-tourism.

Newham council needed no introduction to the turd world, so it is
especially appealing that their councillors will partake of the games like
African dictators. As a former resident of Newham I find the location
particularly appropriate, the games site straddles what we called the sewer
bank in our days (a section of the northern outfall sewer that runs above
ground in a pipe of course), these days nobody would accept such a realistic
description so it is now called the greenway-I laugh. While everybody dreams
up complicated terrorist scenarios I can visualize a very simple scheme that
would fill the site with a couple of feet of London’s finest excrement. (Not
the olympic family, the real stuff)

Anyway, I hope the games are “successful” however you measure that, and you
do not lose too many billions to satisfy the ruling classes wilder enthusiasms
to “appear on the world stage”.

As for your parade Gildas, an obvious ommission are thousands of
flourescent traffic cones narrowing the parade to one lane, that lane
prominently painted (in pink of course) olympic traffic only.

Ancient + Tattered
Airman July 15, 2012 at 19:35

Oops! Sorry pardon. I should perhaps have said Trade Union Congress.

Ancient + Tattered
Airman July 15, 2012 at 19:33

The Massed bands and Choirs of the Trade Union Council ought to be given a
generous slot in the opening ceremony………

yardarm July 15, 2012 at 17:55

GFS used to be known as Group Four twenty years ago and was a standing joke
when prisoners they were escorting frequently did a runner so it would seem
that the participation of this shower of shit in the Five Ring Goon Show is
entirely fitting. It wouldn`t surpise me if they`d shaken out the Sex
Offenders Register so that every paedophile and perver in tAlong with the
corporate greed, tax breaks, Zil Lanes (that says it all ) and the relentless
mindless hype its easy to forget that its all over some herberts doing a
competitive hop, skip and jump. There`s another secuirty aspect that is less
ofetn mentioned however. As well as the remains of our military, thousands of
coppers, MI5 and 6, gfs

yardarm July 15, 2012 at 18:11

Apologies, posted pre edit and couldn`t see how to delete. It wouldn`t
suprise me if every sex offender in the metropolis has joined this shambles
merely to get a chance to grope and fondle in the name of security. Also
teams of atheletes are coming with their own security; FBI & CIA with
the Americans, Mossad with the Israelis, Order of the Bamboo Splinter under
the Fingernail with the Chinese and so on. Sounds like a great opportunity
for some totally innocent party to get blown away, even by some berk
accidentally dropping his gun. Then you`ll see some gold medal winning
performances: not from Team GB but by the organisers and politicians running
for cover and hurling blame like the bloody discus.

AndrewWS
July 15, 2012 at 18:29

Since the whole thing is set to be such an utter dog’s breakfast, you
might imagine the so-called government would actually welcome a terrorist
attack as something to take people’s minds off it and give them the chance
to strike a pose.

Elena ‘andcart
July 15, 2012 at 16:21

Just do away with the Spectator Seating. That would remove the need for the
rest of it.

Penseivat July 15, 2012 at 16:21

Anon at 15.56. I agree, we must agree to differ – is that even English? The
Iraqi war was based on lies told by Blair and his chorts to Parliament and the
country. There were no WMDs and despite his assertions that he was ‘just a
regular guy doing what he thought was right at the time’ does not take away
the fact that he persuaded this country to go to war on a lie – and that is
illegal. However, there was oil in Iraq, and with the North Sea supplies said
to be running low, what’s one or two little porkie pies amongst gullible
politicians? It’s true that the result was the removal of an evil dictator (an
image of Emperor Ming from Flash Gordon suddenly springs to mind!) but it
appears that no one had thought of what would happen next apart from assuming
that the Iraqi people would all thank the British and go on to a happy,
peaceful, life. It doesn’t work that way. Iraq, like all the middle eastern
countries, has a tribal system which has for centuries tried to bump each
other off with increasing savagery. The addition of the different, and
warring, types of Islam didn’t help. Everyone hated Saddam and a relative
truce was in place (the enemy of my enemy is my friend). Once he was out of
the way, there was no need to be nice to each other and the British and
American troops who ousted Saddam became annoying, in-the-way, statistics as
they wouldn’t choose sides (the friend of my enemy is my enemy). For their
part the Western powers thought they could install a western type government
in a middle eastern, tribal and religion led, society. As they have
subsequently discovered, that doesn’t work either. They then made the same
mistakes over Afghanistan – a country which has been invaded many times over
the centuries but never conquered. As a soldier in the British Army, I served
in Malaya, Borneo, Aden and Northern Ireland. In all but Aden, there were many
who truly wanted freedom to vote and a few who did their best to prevent it.
In Aden, it was the other way around and was by far the most terrifying. The
politicians, however, just would not accept that the locals would not vote for
someone from a different tribe or family. They still don’t.

Gonkione July 16, 2012 at 02:14

Penseivat,
Why will politicos and other bleeding heart leftwingers and
lib dems never learn that tribalism and hence the violent consequences of it
actually exist and will never be eradicated? Is it just you, me and my late
father who understood this?

anon July 16, 2012 at 08:22

Pensievat some good points. Gonkione maybe the violence associated with
tribalism can never be eradicated but it can be reduced, preferably by
letting freedom raise the economic levels of all. The decolonialisation of
Africa was a disaster partly because the retreating powers didn’t for a
time hold some overseeing power over the economies of the countries
therefore allowing dominant tribes to capture the economic hights.

Penseivat
July 16, 2012 at 09:30

Portuguese East Africa, Rhodesia (Zimbabwe) and, more recently,
Rwanda. Remember them? In each case the departing powers ‘offered’ (as
they had no right to do so once independence was agreed) consultation
and advice on economic and constitutional matters. In the case of
Zimbabwe a ‘grant’ of several billion Pounds was made to ease the new
Government into power. Again, tribal differences came to the fore and we
all know how this ended. In Zimbabwe, an agreement was made with Mugabe
that there would be a period where their Parliament would have a number
of white members in order to allow a more gentle easing into true
independence. That failed miserably. The different tribal and political
factions between the two most senior politians, Nkomo and Mugabe, led to
widespread internal strife and members of Nkomo’s tribe are still banned
from most aspects of public service. Everyone remembers the Rwanda
atrocities, based on tribal differences, so no need to go into it here.
Tribalism is rife throughout the world, not only in Africa and the
middle east. Examples in the UK are given every time there is a football
match, though Man U and Livrpool supporters don’t go as far as hacking
off the hands and feet of thier opponents (yet). The mistakes of
politicians are that they think they know better than the people on the
ground and they can’t be told otherwise. Anyway, this topic, though
interesting (and I do love a good debate) is very much off topic, so
let’s sit back, watch and enjoy the Parade of Athletes as they marchg
around the Olympic stadium and cheer every team that appears on the
television. Apart from the French, of course!

anon
July 16, 2012 at 15:41

Fair points there Pensievat.

Joe Public July 15, 2012 at 15:18

And should a group of terrorists decide to overwhelm the few squaddies atop
the flats in Bow, east London, then they’d have perfect sighting to aim the
Starstreak missiles at both the Olympic stadium & the House of
Commons.

anon July 15, 2012 at 15:23

Shh!! Joe Public don’t say things like the PTB may think that you are
giving them ideas. Mind you Bow is a bit too close to Crapney where a lot of
the locals are probably better armed than the average squaddie especially
after the cuts.

anon July 15, 2012 at 14:15

GTM, It’s not just the blogosphere, it’s even started to affect those of my
friends who are 100% apolitical. There is going to be a serious political
reckoning afterwards. I reckon a few poltiicos involved will be looking for
new countries to go to afterwards. However bad the Five Ringed Disaster is
going to be for London as a whole it’s going to be a whole lot worse for the
benighted residents of Newham. Since the Event was announced the council has
really gone overboard with the ‘enjoy the diversity or else’ publicity.

About the only involvement I’m going to have with the
drug-cheat-and-corruption-a-thon is to take part in the 1 minute silence in
memory of the Israeli athletes murdered by arab savages in Munich because a)
it’s the 40th anniversary of the attack and b) the organisers of the
drug-cheat-and-corruption-a-thon are refusing to do this (possibly to avoid
giving offence to the arab savage countries coming to the Five Ringed Disaster
Zone).

GildasTheMonk
July 15, 2012 at 14:53

A pithy and intelligent analysis

anon July 15, 2012 at 15:12

Thanks GTM. I wish I could write stuff under my own name (because I
believe it’s more honest and responsible to do so – you should own what
you say) but for very personal reasons (which if I meet some of you and I
get bought a beer or 3 I’ll tell you
) I cannot.

I cannot fathom out why Blair wanted the Five Ringed Disaster Zone as
holding the games wouldn’t stand up to more than a basic cost benefit
analysis. Some international sporting events really do improve a countries
image and do make money (the world cup, wimbledon, euro football) but the
Five Ringed Disaster rarely does. Sydney’s tourism suffered immensely for
years after the games went there because of the bad smell that the games
left behind. Greece is still paying for it and has only crumbling empty
stadia as a legacy, China’s games focussed unwanted attention on their
human rights issues, Montreal ended up paying for decades. I think if I
recall correctly that only Barcelona ended up with improved infrastructure
as a result of the games.

I can’t work out Blairs logic for going for this I really can’t. Unless
he really did want to saddle the UK with a 30 year bill for this
boondoggle like Montreal had to. I suppose that he was told that it would
make Britain look ‘diverse’ and ‘modern’ or some other such pointless
buzzword.

If the Five Ringed Disaster was much more accountable to elected
politicians and the individual athletes rather than being a law amongst
themselves then it probably wouldn’t leave the sort of trail of
destruction that it does. I cannot think of any other company, event or
entity which has got the sort of tax breaks that the London Five Ringed
Disaster has had.

I’m also severely angry about the propaganda put out about the games
especially the torch relay. I don’t recall one mainstream broadcaster
mentioning that the whole rigmarole about the torch relay was cooked up by
Goebbels and crew, something the BBC especially fail to mention.

Penseivat
July 15, 2012 at 15:33

There is the theory that Blair went for the Games because he knew
that he would not be Prime Minister, or even in Parliament, by the time
it came around as he would be too busy building up his financial empire,
assisted by his shy, retiring, non-blagging, wife and that it would be a
just recompense for the critcism of him for sending hundreds of British
service personnel to their deaths in two illegal wars, lying to the
country, and for being a sanctimonious, lying, shit!

anon
July 15, 2012 at 15:56

I agree with you that Tony and Cherie Inc. were lying sacks of
greedy grasping shit who by their and the labour govts actions damaged
this country a great deal. However, I disagree with the statement that
the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were ‘Illegal’ – If we had to get
permission from the Dictators Club (AKA the United Nations) before
doing anything then everything would be illegal. I know you will
disagree with me but the Iraq war removed a dangerous dictator and the
Afghan campaign could have freed that country and brought it out of
the stone age if it had been prosecuted differently.

However, the West allowed the appalling Kharzai to run the show
which is equal to leaving a nonce in charge of a children’s home. With
Iraq there was a sufficient level of desire for democracy (and a
reasonably educated middle class) for the country to start to get back
on its feet but with Afghanistan it should have been directly run as a
colony by the US the UK and the Germans amongst others until the
violent tribalism had been destroyed.

We should have told the Afghans similar what Lord Napier told the
widow burners of India in the 19thCent which was ‘It may be your
culture to burn widows, but it is our culture to hang murderers – and
we have plenty of gallows to spare’ I certainly wouldn’t trust the
Italians or the French Govts to be involved in the admin of
Afghanistan.

Like I said you may disagree with me but this is my opinion. I used
be a knee jerk supporter of the ‘illegal war’ theory but as I’ve
learned more and considered things I’ve changed my position.

Woman
on a Raft July 16, 2012 at
10:17

Don’t forget that the driving force behind the bid was not a NL
person at all, but Conservative Seb Coe. The Opposition decided that
instead of spending time pulling itself together and offering a
Conservative alternative, it would just go for bread and circuses,
figuring that the old tax’n’spend policy was right up their street.
The party had already fallen to the heirs to Heath.

Blair probably calculated, correctly, that he might as well let
them have this expensive rattle to play with. Say what you like about
Blair (and I do), but, as he showed at Leveson, he was an astute media
operator and very good at political analysis and deal-brokering. And
whether you were buying from, or selling to him, you could be quite
sure that he would get the better end of the bargain without you even
noticing. Ask Gordon Brown.

Engineer July 15, 2012 at 13:34

The phrase ‘ShambOlympics’ was coined on these illustrious pages a couple
of days ago. In the interests of brevity, may I suggest a shortening to
‘Sham-Bollics’?

GildasTheMonk
July 15, 2012 at 13:48

Another Bravo! Question for readers: is the general cynicism and disdain
for the “Sham-Bollics”/Hunger Games. Is this (a) peculiar to customers of
The Raccoon Arms, or is it (b) an internet/blog thing generally, or (c) does
it represent the real mood of most of the nation as a whole. I think a fair
dollop of (c).
G the M

macheath July
15, 2012 at 14:41

I’ve long held the belief that the human race is divided into ‘herd
animals’ and ‘mavericks’ – the presence of both genotypes ensures that the
species survived both predation picking off the outliers and contagion
that spreads by close proximity.

No prizes for guessing which type is all set to get a buzz out of the
Limpics – and which type is attracted by the wit, cynicism and satire on
offer in the Raccoon arms…

GildasTheMonk July
15, 2012 at 14:52

I think that there is a strong element of truth in that,
Macheath.

cascadian
July 15, 2012 at 19:56

I think you will find the mood is international, at least to the extent
where previous games have blighted the economy, which would be everywhere
except Los Angeles.

Woman on
a Raft July 16, 2012 at 10:07

I’d be very supportive of the Olympics if it was in France. The French
love this sort of thing and Paris is simply the much better site. We must
have just paid bigger bribes to the IOC.

We could have taken all the money for the last 8 years and used it to
fund proper sports academies where children are identified in every
primary school and offered a top-notch paid-for sports training, at
boarding school if appropriate, making sure that no parent ever faced
saying “no, we can’t afford it”. Equipment, transport, food,
accommodation, coaching, physio, everything which is necessary to allow a
child to compete irrespective of the resources of their parents. (I have
observed tensions in families when resources are directed towards one
child; there is always a separate bill to pay years down the line.)

Yes, I know that means picking some children out as potentially better
than their cohort, and on the highly partisan grounds of sports ability,
but that was our one chance of getting over the mental problems we have
with acknowledging that talent deserves to express itself rather than
being treated as an embarrassment. I had hoped that if we could get over
it in one area we might be prepared to start taking intelligent children
seriously again, instead of teaching them early on that thick thuggery and
short skirts are the way too get attention.

As it is, I appeal for Simon Cowell to come off your list. Although he
works in a field which has in some ways contributed to the problem, it is
also true that his contests encourage people to try – because they are
always guaranteed an audition – and that he has never shirked the idea
that ultimately, some performers are better than others.

Anna
Raccoon July 16, 2012 at
10:09

WOAR – nobody cheered louder than the French when Britain ‘won’ the
right to host the games. They were utterly magnanimous in defeat,
suspiciously so….

Elena
‘andcart July 16, 2012 at 14:43

Believe me, France was lucky to escape this one. Before very much
longer every Country will be demanding to be left out. “Perleeze don’t
chose us.” “Shut up and bite the bullet. You will Host The Games.”
Sadly, we are not sure of exactly what Games.
It is all quite simple
to me. This is supposed to be about Sporting Excellence, so who needs
Spectators? Some contestants will win, and some will lose, and we will
all know who did what. Watch it on Tele as most people will have to do,
presuming that anyone wants to. It is enough for me that Excellence is
still feted. The Olympics has lost the plot. The modern day society no
longer knows what it was all about.

Friend of Dog
July 15, 2012 at 13:27

As one interviewee I saw on TV having been accepted trained and accredited
by G4S then realised what a total shambles he was getting involved in and
resigned, made the comment that ‘It took a lot of effort and energy to be so
totally incompetent’. A peek at the board of G4S shows the usual place men and
women so incompetence comes as standard.

Wolfers July 15, 2012 at 12:29

A parade of the professionally offended, perhaps to form a guard of honour
for the final torch bearers, who will also be accompanied by a phalanx of
people in flame retardant suits and goggles, brandishing suitably spangly fire
extinguishers.

The whole route of this parade should be on a surface paved in broken glass
and chewing gum.

I will however pick issue with the “official Olympic music” by which I’m
assuming you’re referring to the rather wonderful Muse and their track
‘Survival’, it’s about the only thing this whole sorry episode has managed to
do right. But then I’m a hopeless fan of their particular brand of
classical/prog rock fusion.

wonderfulforhisage July
15, 2012 at 12:16

If I WERE.

‘If’ takes the subjunctive. Don’t they teach you any thing in school these
days?

GildasTheMonk
July 15, 2012 at 12:43

Fair point!

macheath July
15, 2012 at 16:36

If only someone had told Midge Ure! I still find myself grinding my teeth
whenever I hear this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaTERxV47Mg

Paul July 15, 2012 at 11:39

With so many soldiers in proximity to parliament, this really is the time
to…Round Em Up…Put Em In A Field…And.. BOMB THE BASTARDS!

Woman on a
Raft July 16, 2012 at 09:45

The last time I was up at the House of Fun I noticed that the entire
place is now surrounded in discrete but effective steel mesh, except maybe
for the river side, which I haven’t inspected.

I wondered – is this to keep us out, or to keep them in? I would be quite
difficult to escape now; an MP might go to a door and there would be a
restraining hand saying “Sorry Sir, but this is for your own protection” but
if he or she pushed past, she’d just find herself coming up to a wire – not
yet electrified but I shouldn’t think that is difficult – and suddenly
realize that she was standing in the Prison of Commons.

Hysteria July 15, 2012 at 11:26

DON’T get me started on the ticketing system. Mrs Hysteria , who wants to
go see some of her ex-charges perform in the pool, has been reduced nearly to
, well, hysterics, at the combined incompetence of the TicketMaster (who of
course are “proud to support the Olympics”) and the Royal Mail (who, of
course, are “proud to sponsor…..”).

anon July 15, 2012 at 09:38

Even though where I am (in a rural location far away from the horrors of
Londonistan where I used to live) is being adversely affected by rain, I’m
praying for rain and hailstones to drop down on the
drug-cheat-and-corruption-a-thon and ruin it. I think the aftermath of the
games is going to be politically interesting, more interesting than the games
themselves.

macheath July
15, 2012 at 10:35

Gildas, your danse macabre so comprehensively sums up modern
Britain that I can’t think of anything to add – however, I think a
restraining order should also be taken out to ensure that the ceremony does
not include a) Tony Blair (and Cherie) and b) Sir Cliff Richard
(especially if it’s raining).

anon July 15, 2012 at 11:21

What about also including:

A burning Foot Locker shop
A bloodied mugging victim
A human
rights lawyer counting his money
A union flag flown upside down (symbol
of distress)
Abu Hamza and some dancing girls clad head to foot in
black sacks
Some dribbling divvys from reality TV
Some semi-literate
school leavers (may be rather a lot of those, thanks Lefties)

I disagree with the inclusion of a skip as sometimes you can find
useful things in skips unlike in the House of Commons

I don’t want to see any terrorist attacks on the
drug-cheat-and-corruption-a-thon but I really want this event to fail big
time in other ways. A huge failure may wake the average bod up a bit.

GildasTheMonk July
15, 2012 at 12:43

Bravo! And that skip remark made me chortle!

anon
July 15, 2012 at 13:36

Off topic; So far out of skips I’ve had several working
televisions, a quality DAB radio,a bike, large amount of wood, a pair
of brand new boots in my size, tools, 2 VCR’s and a satellite TV
receiver. The last time I visited the House of Commons however I got
some hassle from the security bods, some posh mints and an
overwhelming sense of anger that we are paying for these thieving
bastards.

drsolly
July 15, 2012 at 09:34

It’s not too late to cancel the games. We could explain that we’ve had a
few problems – we couldn’t get the security in place, the M4 is closed,
Heathrow has two-hour queues and we’ve been having more of the Wrong Sort of
Rain than expected. It’s not a problem, just have the games next year instead.
In France.

An additional benefit would be that we’d never be asked to host this
boondoggle again.

macheath July
15, 2012 at 10:23

But surely, like phone contracts, TV rental or certain religions, there
are hideous penalties in store for any country that thinks better of it in
the cold light of day; the sponsors must have seen to that.

Mind you, I’m not sure what could be worse than having to go through with
the whole sorry business and becoming a global laughing-stock at our own
vast expense….

Wigner’s Friend
July 15, 2012 at 09:29

You missed from your list the oleaginous Vaz and an underpant clad Bryant.
There must be a 100 dopplegangers of each, the amount of coverage they
get.

anon July 15, 2012 at 08:57

Are you mixing up Goodwin and Godwin there Gildas?

GildasTheMonk
July 15, 2012 at 09:12

Good spot Anon! I go through these pieces about 20 times (much to to our
learned editor’s frustration) but typos always creep in: The Ex Sir Fred
Goodwin. former CEO of RBS and lover of expensive wallpapers etc it is (got
the second one right). Now if we are talking Godwine, we are back to me
obsession with the last legitimate King of England and (that’s enough about
Anglo-Saxons – Ed.)

Backwoodsman
July 15, 2012 at 09:22

You missed from your list, a large chunk of formerly green and pleasant
land, being despoiled by a pointless high speed rail link, or a gimcrack
new housing estate, built on a flood plane, naturally.
If I was you,
old chap, I’d choose a pub on a hill, recruit all like minded souls, train
them as Housecarls and form them up in a shield wall round the pub and
defy ‘elf n’ safety to shift you for the duration.

GildasTheMonk July
15, 2012 at 09:39

I completely agree! Keep ‘em coming!

Penseivat
July 15, 2012 at 11:29

Don’t forget the 4 caravans, 7 starving horses, a pack of mangy
dogs, half a dozen car engines and a skipfull (though no skip) of
black bags containing excrement, left-over building materials and some
dead animals), a box of brass war memorial plaques which have
been’removed for cleaning and replacing’ and some gold, silver and
bronze medals ‘found’ elsewhere in the park.

Anna
Raccoon July 15, 2012 at 09:44

Oh Gawd, that was me, interfering old busybody that I am, I shall
change it all back again – whoops!

White Dragon
July 16, 2012 at 08:07

Hurts me to mention because I like the piece, but shouldn’t it be
entitled ‘If I were….

anon July 15, 2012 at 08:45

Right-writes: If you think south east London is going to be bad spare a
thought for the people of Newham. The council has used the
drug-cheat-and-corruption-a-thon to gouge more money out of residents parking
permits by reducing the time they are valid. It would be interesting to see if
these new rules are being enforced in the more ‘culturally enriched’ bits of
the borough though – knowing Newham probably not.

right_writes July
15, 2012 at 08:29

So, I am not alone in looking forward to wall to wall Olympics TV and not
being able to go out because all of the roads have been deliberately blocked
by “our” government.

Pissed off from South-east London.

anon July 15, 2012 at 08:28

Glidas an excellent comment. One thing I’m noticing is that there is a
seething anger building up over the drug-cheat-and-corruption-a-thon that is
not being covered by the MSM. I believe that when this is all over and we
realise just what the Blair Govt landed us with then it will be yet another
reason why anyone with more than half a brain will NEVER vote Labour
again.

Humble Observer
July 15, 2012 at 10:35

“why anyone with more than half a brain will NEVER vote Labour
again.”

Have you spotted the fatal flaw in the above sentence yet?