There was a lengthy period of time, during which, thanks to the inimitable Thaddeus J Wilson, Ms Raccoon was the top search result for ‘Reverse Dutch Steamboat’. I have long since forgiven him.

Many and varied were the commentators who arrived from around the world, keen to learn more of this mythical sexual practice whereby, ahem*, another person laid claim to your sh*t before it left your corporeal property, so to speak. Let’s not go any further.

Ms Raccoon does not like being beaten in any competition, and by curious coincidence, last night, arrived both a commentator laying claim to the user name ‘Reverse Dutch Steamboat’ (we have IP addresses, Flower, a fiver to the usual address and your anonymity is assured!) and an e-mail from a reader which should see us top of the pops for such search results again.

It seems that the Reverse Dutch Steamboat is not so mythical a practice after all. Shrouded in secrecy, yes, concealed from the naked eye, but alive and well – and practised by the State. Who’d a thought it?

Thanks to the sharp eyes of ‘An Angry Anarchist’ I bring you news of the latest bullshit ‘land grab’ by our statist government. I say ‘sharp eyes’, for as pointed out by my angry friend, there has been no word of this in our learned and investigative media, he learnt of the latest incursion into our property rights via the US news.

Thames Water, that statist corporation so named to bring to mind images of Runnymede and the hard won rights to the Barons to preserve some semblance of dignity against the encroachment of the state, has announced that by virtue of the powers invested in Defra, they are reversing the 1936 Act which allowed you to keep control of your sh*t until it left your property – and henceforth, all those pipes – and contents –  which lay under your land and connected with the ‘public’ sewer system, will belong to them.

Some 125,000 km of private pipes on private land, owned by 10 million property owners, will, after the 1^st October 2011, belong to the government.

The justification for this is that – occasionally – some of these private property owners chose to block their private sewers with objects belonging to them, and must then personally bear the cost of unblocking them.

‘Unfair, unfair’, cries the Nanny state.

‘Everybody, every last one of you must pay up to £14 a year extra to ensure that if Mrs Woods at No 18 chooses to flush her unloved cactus plant down the loo, thus blocking her own drain and no one else’s, that she doesn’t bear the cost of this action personally – we will all pay for her fool hardy action’.

Naturally, extending the reach of the Water Companies from the present 67,000 km to 192,000 km of previously ‘private’ pipe work will result in ‘additional repair and maintenance work’.

 ’For example, we currently clear 55,000 blockages a year on our pipes. We expect this to increase to 250,000 a year.’

I expect it will too – for remove the fear of a massive bill for righting her own wrongs from Mrs Woods, and she won’t give a sh*t what she flushes down the loo – not her problem any longer.

It can only be a matter of time before the state installs sh*t meters to monitor your protein intake and take DNA samples – and remember, ‘careless talk costs lives’, and some of us are more than capable of talking out of our backsides……

wh00ps
July 18, 2011 at 08:17

Southern Water sent me the same letter, so it probably originated higher up
in the government than in the water “companies.”
I rent, so I’m not too
concerned as I didn’t own any of those pipes in the first place, although it
was one of the many things that annoyed me in a minor way that day.

Zaphod July 16, 2011 at 13:06

Oh all right then.

The Isle of Wight Ferry.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Zaphod July 15, 2011 at 23:48

I say, I say!
What’s brown and steaming, and comes out of cows
backwards?

Matt
W July 15, 2011 at 19:45

Anyone want to experiment with a Reverse Porcupine?

Rightwinggit July
15, 2011 at 12:32

The Dutch Lobster was from the mighty BOFH,
and the Cleveland steamer
was from the Profanisaurus.

Here to help.

Reverse Dutch
Steamboat July 14, 2011 at 21:06

Sorry, Anna,

its provenance is from the Daily Mash. At first I thought it was Viz but
could not find it in my Profanisaurus. I apologise for stealing your mantle
and hang up my boots in shame.

All hail the great collective sewer pipe scheme! At this rate, they’ll make
us into human centipedes.

Andrew Duffin
July 14, 2011 at 08:41

Another amusing little scam is that the water board (or whatever they’re
called this week) keeps trying to sell me insurance in case something goes
wrong with their pipes.

Of course, they are themselves responsible for their pipes, so I would
never need such insurance. I don’t suppose that would stop them getting
commission on whatever I paid for it, were I daft enough to sign up.

One could buy the insurance, I guess, and wait a few years for the
inevitable mis-selling compensation, but life seems too short for such
games.

I put their letters at the back of the fire, along with much else of
similar sorts.

Thaddeus J.
Wilson July 14, 2011 at 08:00

I’m glad you have forgiven me, Anna!

Giolla
Decair July 13, 2011 at 23:25

Having now read the leaflet they’re not taking over as much of the drain as
the 3 to 14 quid charge might lead one to expect.

For detached and flats properties it’s allegedly only the spur toy the
property boundary. For semi-detached and terraced houses it’s the shared
section.

So now if there’s a problem you’ll have to guess where it is to know who to
call out, as call out the water board and if the blockage is in your bit they
get to charge you.

Dave H July 14, 2011 at 17:49

No, you just invest in a set of rods, as mentioned above, and attempt to
push the blockage down the pipe to their bit. If you measure the distance
from your manhole to the property boundary then you can work out how far to
push before packing up and making the phone call.

Giolla
Decair July 15, 2011 at 16:27

Dave,

good point and that actually make it less work as you don’t have to
actually clear it just move it.

Malpoet July 13,
2011 at 22:39

On gas instead of shit, a contractor turned up in our road a while ago and
dug holes everywhere to re-line the gas pipes. After they had made a mess of
the road and pavement, they rang the doorbell and said that they were going to
‘upgrade’ my gas supply and they would just be making a small hole in the
drive outside my door. They would fill the hole in and patch the surface. As I
had not long spent £7,500 having the drive resurfaced I explained as politely
as I could that they were doing no such thing. The guy said that I had no
choice in the matter because I did not own the gas pipes under my land and
they had a law that allowed them to do whatever they liked.

I offered a compromise. They could resurface my whole drive to my standard
or they could piss off. They thought this unreasonable, but after I explained
the bureaucratic and media routes through which I would be making a lot of
fuss, and how long that would all take they, discovered that my gas supply
could be upgradedfrom outside my drive.

Should be fun when we get to discussing shit ownership.

anon July 13, 2011 at 21:38

many thanks for following up on my email. you did the proper job that my
venting-outlet amateur blogging is incapable of.
thanks again

Dave H July 13, 2011 at 21:00

The one time I had a sewer blockage here (caused by ‘flushable’ baby
wipes), a quick trip to B&Q for a set of drain rods solved the problem,
although I nearly lost them when I was left struggling to grip the end,
frantically trying to screw on another rod for better grip as the blockage
suddenly shifted and tried to drag the rods with it. That was £15 as a
once-off, far better value than £14/year. There’s a chimney brush in the set
too, should I ever get the nerve to shove the rods up to where the sun
shines.

Now I check the drains twice a year and tip a plastic dustbin-worth of
rainwater down the manhole at the back of the property every year to encourage
things not to linger.

Ciaran July 13, 2011 at 23:41

We must have bought the same set of drain rods – I got a chimney brush
too. You should have a go, it’s great fun. A rather messy business though,
even more so than the drains. After I’d finished I discovered that these
“carbon footprints” you hear people bleating about actually exist.

Giolla
Decair July 13, 2011 at 20:19

Oddly I got a leaflet about this this very morning – I should probably read
it.

gladiolys July 14, 2011 at 06:45

Me too. I thought it was a load of gobbledegook (that sounds kinda Dutch)
and that as it was going to happen anyway there was nothing I could do about
it anyway, so now it’s lining the cat litter tray now. Appropriately.

Bernie in
pipewell July 13, 2011 at 20:15

On the other hand if there was a break in the soil pipe between your
property and the Thames Water main drain, up to 30 Sept you are responsible
for repairing this break. As most main drains are in the carriage way, to do
this you need a licensed road digger, one who hopefully won’t connect the gas
main to the electricity cable. These people are not cheap, cost £10,000 to
£15,ooo a friend of mine was quoted. After 1st Oct, Thames Water are
responsible. Ironically most of these breaks in soil pipes occur after
subsidence caused by Thames Water, water main leaks.

Cascadian July 14, 2011 at 03:34

“licensed road digger”……I now understand why Britain is in such bad
shape. As for GBP10,000 thats just usury!

Gildas the Monk
July 13, 2011 at 19:37

Right, the first person to do a joke about La Raccoon taliking sh*t gets
it…I am going to have to come back to this. I am still reeling!

Livewire July 14, 2011 at 07:33

At 22B Baker St does the loo sign say “No sh*t, Sherlock!”?
ps has
someone bought shares in asterisk factories? First they came for the vowels,
and I wasn’t a vowel…….etc etc

wassname July 13, 2011 at 18:45

I’ve already got a sh*t meter in the corner of my lounge. Since I’m forced
to pay for looking at it, I turn it on sometimes to see what’s passing
through. I’ve yet to see anything that interests me and most things make me
heave. Funny that it never gets blocked. I think those upstream must have
diarrhea.
My loo looks and smells delightful though. As we say round here:
‘yer could eat yer dinner off it!

Jabba the Cat July 14, 2011 at 12:40

That is a state sh*t dispenser in the corner of your room…