Dear brothers and sisters,

As many of you may know, I have long considered that I am a SPECIAL friend of one of the occasional contributors to this blog, namely GILDAS THE MONK. However, I must confess that recent events have left me UPSET and MORTIFIED for, after a spot of totally innocent PHONE HACKING (I don’t know where the idea came from) I discovered that GILDAS had invited Agnes from the Dog and Duck to share his Werthers Originals and had even indulged in on line flirting with that HUSSY Gloria Smudd, as a careful perusal of the comments section here will prove!

Such was my distress that I turned for COMFORT to my old friend Stefani Germanotta , perhaps better known to you as LADY GAGA.

Stefani has, with a little help from wordsmith RANDY HACK (they got on famously, by the way) slightly altered the words to her recent hit record “Judas”, just to help me express my inner feelings.

For the moment, you will have to just sing along to Stafani’s original track and alter the words accordingly

However, plans are on foot for a PROPER recording with video by me and my regular backing singers, the Bad Habits. For now, have fun, and I hope this amuses:

“I’m still in love with Gildas, baby”
Lyrics: original Khyat, Germanotta. Additions: Hack

Whoa ooh oh oh oh oh, I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
Whoa ooh oh oh oh oh, I’m still in live with Gildas, baby
Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!
Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!

[Verse]

When he calls to me I’ll be ready
I’ll make him chicken curry for his tea
Forgive him when he gets drunk down the pub
And when he’s tired I’ll give his back a rub

Wha-oh-wah-oh, Wha-oh-wha-oh!
I’ll bring him down, bring him down down
Wha-oh-wah-oh, Wha-oh-wha-oh!
To the Rose and Crown, to the Rose and Crown

[Chorus]

I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cruel but I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cool but I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
Whoa oh oh oh oh I’m in love with Gilda-a-as, Gilda-a-as
Whoa oh oh oh oh I’m in love with Gilda-a-as, Gilda-a-as

Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!
Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!

[Verse]

For me he is an icon of romance
And I can’t wait to get in to his pants
But girls if you’re after him you’re out of luck
Because I’m the only girl [Note the remaining part of this line has been deleted under current editorial guidelines against filth]

Wha-oh-wah-oh, Wha-oh-wha-oh!
I’ll bring him down, bring him down down
Wha-oh-wah-oh, Wha-oh-wha-oh!
To the Rose and Crown, to the Rose and Crown

[Chorus]

I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cruel but I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cool but I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
Whoa oh oh oh oh I’m in love with Gilda-a-as, Gilda-a-as
Whoa oh oh oh oh I’m in love with Gilda-a-as, Gilda-a-as

Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!
Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!

[Bridge]

In the political sense
I am considered quite dense
I tend to sit on the fence
And hold my fire

 But in the sexual sense
I’m really much more intense
Gildas leaves me no defence
To my desire!

 I wanna love you, but something’s pulling me away from you
Jesus is my virtue, but Gildas is the monk that I cling to
I sing to!

 [Chorus] (with extra harmonies)

I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cruel but I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
I’m just a holy fool, oh baby it’s so cool but I’m still in love with Gildas, baby
Whoa oh oh oh oh I’m in love with Gilda-a-as, Gilda-a-as
Whoa oh oh oh oh I’m in love with Gilda-a-as, Gilda-a-as

Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!
Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, Gilda-a-as, Gildas, la la!

There. I feel better now. In love and light.

 Sister Eva Longoria

Gildas the Monk
July 14, 2011 at 19:24

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA brilliant, thank you

Gloria Smudd
July 14, 2011 at 18:18

Oh. It appears that I’m actually free next Tuesday. How does that
sound?

Gloria Smudd
July 13, 2011 at 22:53

See that gauntlet hurled to the floor?
This means I’m in out-and-out
WAR
With the GUN-TOTIN’ Sister
Who, like a skinned-blister,
Is
weeping and terribly RAW.

Her womanly pride’s had a whack
From a MONK dressed entirely in
SACK
Who prefers just to SUCK
On a Werther’s than muck
With a NUN who
won’t get off her BACK.

It’s hard for a man to stay ‘KEEN’
(And I think we all know what I
mean)
When, instead of sweet-nothings,
It’s VENOMOUS FROTHINGS
From a
SPECIAL FRIEND venting her spleen;

It’s not very nice when a STRUMPET
Bellows JEALOUSLY down one’s
ear-trumpet,
So it’s better by far
To drive in one’s car
For some tea
and a nice buttered CRUMPET.

And that’s when he pops round to MINE
In time for the nightly ‘Come
Dine’
And we’ll watch and we’ll LAUGH
Then we’ll both have a
half-
Pint of Smuddy’s Fort-ified Wine

He comes round to mine for A REST!
(Did you know he rubs VICK neath his
vest?)
He knows I’ll never censure
Him soaking his denture
(We both
agree Steradent’s best).

Sister E, we watch ‘COUNTDOWN’ ! We knit!
Or watch ‘Dickinson’s Deal’
and that’s it!
We don’t SMOOCH or schmooze;
We watch Channel 4
News!
And we often doze off where we sit…

If you want Gildas back in your bed
Then think upon all I have
said
And stop NAG-NAG-NAGGING –
(His interest is FLAGGING)
And try to
SMILE SWEETLY instead.

It’s the shrill, bitter, bile that’s the thing!
It’s as sharp as a
wood-hornet’s sting;
Men can’t stand a HARPY!
They run away
sharp-y
When a jealousy-bird starts to sing.

So shut-up and stop thinking that HE
Would fancy a GARGOYLE like
me!
We’re not planning our dreams
Based on 6 custard creams
Watching
Judge Judy on the TV.

THE END.

Thaddeus J.
Wilson July 14, 2011 at 01:36

Gloria, how do you think I feel? I was smitten with Eva and now I feel
betrayed!

Perhaps we can console each other?

Gloria Smudd
July 14, 2011 at 18:17

My diary commitments prevent me from being available other than on two
dates in August.

Saul July 13, 2011 at 17:57

Say it aint so Gloria.

Livewire July 13, 2011 at 12:18

“current editorial guidelines against filth”
F*ck ‘em with a goat’s
zizi. Generations of lewd LWs have defeated spamtraps, lawyers, data entry
clerks (it takes a geek to insult a geek), and whatever Matt does for a
living.
Nice song BTW.

Ed P July 13, 2011 at 11:16

Fabulous stuff!

The Sister looks very fetching face-on with her fag. I have always found
her a bit intimidating in the smoking gun picture.

Mud, mud, Gloria Smudd, nothing quite like it for cooling the blood!

Is Gildas another way of saying golden bottom?

Gildas the Monk
July 13, 2011 at 11:03

Oh the shame! Weeks of responsible and hard hitting Raccoontage brought to
a crashing halt…..