Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiples and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
Enron Venture Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
Accenture Model Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You shred them.
French Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cows and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
German Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
Russian Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 2 cows. You open another bottle of vodka.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have a full employment and and high bovine productivity. You arrest the journalist who reports otherwise.
Indian Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You worship them.
British Capitalism: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
Iraqi Capitalism: Everyone thinks you have many cows. You tell them you have none but they don’t believe you and bomb the shit out of your farm. You still have no cows, but at least you are part of a democracy.
New Zealand Capitalism: You have 2 cows. The one on the left is looking pretty sexy…
Australian Capitalism: You have 2 cows. Business seems good. You close the office and go for a few celebratory beers.
New Labourism: You have 2 cows. One becomes the leader, the other rich.
ConDemism: You have 2 cows. One becomes the leader, the other turns into a poodle.