Hot-Bunking in God’s Little Acre.
God knows what has made me think of graveyards and resurrecting dead bodies today, I should be painting my toenails whilst I am still agile enough to reach them…anyway, here goes.
60 million people crammed onto a small island. We are in danger of tipping over. We build ever upwards – at times, we excavate downwards, multi-storey below ground car parks to accommodate the transport for all these people.
What we never, ever do, is worry about what we do with all these people when it is not just their cars that need to go underground, but their bodies.
We have steeled our self to ask the nice Doctor to starve our loved ones to death when we get fed up waiting for them to peg it; we have all the laws nicely in place.
We accept that some of the younger versions of ourselves will get sluiced down the hospital drain system.
We have a multitude of euphemisms to cover every eventuality – except when it comes to upsetting our final desire – to see 6’x 2’ of God’s Little Acre reserved exclusively for us, and a nice stone plaque on top please.
God’s Little Acre has run out of space, some of us are going to have to hot-bunk.
Four years ago, the Labour government brought in measures under the ‘Deregulation and Contracting Out Act’ of 1994 that allowed them to quietly dig up those who had had sole use of their little plot for 100 years, in a technique euphemistically called ‘lift and deepen’ and bung six more of us in with the reluctant sitting tenant.
By selecting those who had been in place for 100 years, they minimised the howls of outrage. Actually they left it to the Local Authorities to contact – if they could – the grieving relatives and tell them that Old Great Grandpa Morgan may well have fought for his country, ‘yes, yes, yes, we feel your pain’ but immigration has reached such a peak in this country, and what with the birth rate and everything, in future it was going to be Old Great Grandpa Morgan and another five people he had never met, or if he did, may have heartily disliked, that would be resting in peace under the imitation marble statue of Madonna and child.
There were, at the time, around 150,000 of us claiming exclusive rights to a patch of soil six foot down. An interesting phenomena, given that very, very few of us hold any rights to whatever is under our feet, even when we proudly wave our ‘freehold’ certificates around.
Naturally the Labour government saw this in terms of their favourite buzzwords – ‘sustainability’ and ‘community facilities’. ‘Recycling’ didn’t get a look in.
A mere four years later, and the period of ‘rest in peace’ has been reduced to 75 years.
The 200 acre City of London Cemetery in Epping Forest has already dug up over 1,000 graves belonging to those who haven’t uttered a squeak of protest in 75 years, and handed them over to 360 homeless corpses.
The Labour government estimated that cemeteries would run out of space in 30 years, which has now been revised down to 10 years.
Sooner, rather than later, a government will have to revise the 1850s Burial Acts – if it is the coalition government you can expect riots in the streets campaigning against heartless Tories digging up dear old Doris after a mere 10 years.
When it dawns on dear old Doris’s relatives that it was partly uncontrolled immigration that led us to such a housing shortage, above and below ground, the EU will inevitably get the blame.
At the present rate of growth, Doris will be lucky to get a year in peace……
Rest in Peace – tenants are advised they must vacate these premises in an orderly fashion after 28 days. No ball games. By order of the local authority.
May 16, 2011 at 23:45
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Of course they don’t have these problems in Brimingham; the dead are all
still on the electoral roll and voting Labour.
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May 20, 2011 at 12:10
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They are also doing it in Manchester, Liverpool and of course Kirkaldy
where the current MP is in South Africa trying to drum us support to be boss
of the IMF and then after bleeding the UK dry can do it to the rest of the
world.
You could not make it up.
- May 16, 2011 at 21:22
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I remember watching a pile driver at work on a building site, and at the
time thinking what a wonderful burial technique it would make. You just drive
a hollow cylindrical tube, about 2ft6in diameter, deep into the ground, maybe
20ft down. Then you start furiously pounding corpses down it until the local
ground starts to heave up a little. Put a temporary cap down the hole to stop
any unnecessary stink. After a few weeks when it has rotted down you start
adding more. You could have a graveyard with loads of these burial tubes
sticking up. People could have plaques fixed to the column to remember who was
down there. Burying people vertically, and on top of each other would be much
cheaper than cremation and very efficient on land usage.
It puts a whole
new meaning of going down the tube though.
- May 16, 2011 at 23:43
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Instead of throwing a handful of dirt on the coffin, the grieving widow
gets to press the ‘start’ button on the pile-driver?
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May 16, 2011 at 20:59
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Years ago the Clydebank local paper carried the headline
GRAVE CRISIS IN CEMETERY
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May 16, 2011 at 21:09
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May 16, 2011 at 20:42
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When I go, I am going a la Kirk Douglas in The Vikings. In a flaming ship,
set alight by arrows! Or like in the 13th Warrior – similar, but I am afraid
with a beautiful Norse girlfriend (OK not PC, I grant you). What they will
make of this on the Leeds – Liverpool canal I am not sure…
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May 16, 2011 at 22:02
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Was that the film in which another character gets tied to a stake in a
bay, and as the incoming tide drowns him, the crabs have a feast?
[Filmed on location not at Southend-on-Sea-on-Mud.]
- May 16, 2011 at 19:16
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The last I saw cremation was up from 35% to about 75% since 1950, so
perhaps there’s hope yet.
Of course, one of the reasons graveyards are closed is Health and Safety
and maintenance costs. I kid you not, in this case.
- May 16,
2011 at 19:26
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I find it all too easy to believe where local authorities are concerned.
And on the subject, I’m still reeling from this ominous announcement from
Birmingham City Council:
” The council has also identified several areas where it can increase its
revenue. These include looking at what can be done to increase revenues at
its cemeteries and crematoria…”
Bring out your dead!
- May 16, 2011 at 19:51
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I’m thinking churchyards, where Anglican churches at least hand over
maintenance to the LA as an ‘open space’ when it gets closed – and
basically there’s a legal right to do that.
Health and Safety and maintenance in open urban churchyards can be
*very* expensive
.
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May 16, 2011 at 21:55
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“…. cremation was up from 35% to about 75% since 1950 ….”
So that explains Global Warming!
- May 16, 2011 at 18:18
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Property ownership is not what it used to be if you are a pleb, is it?
Somehow I cannot imagine this edict extending to Westminster (or any other)
abbey.
- May 16, 2011 at 18:15
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Perhaps the answer is to smuggle a lorry-load of corpses across the Channel
and let them loose in France? That would mitigate some of the immigration.
- May 16, 2011 at 18:35
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Let them loose?
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May 16, 2011 at 19:56
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May 16, 2011 at 20:39
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Suspend your disbelief sir, it’s Euroland, where money trees grow like
sequoias, EU accountants do Picasso-like sketches on the paperwork rather
than producing accounts,
and happy peasants frolic in the olive groves
while RAF transport planes fill their sky with money like the aluminium
strips of ‘window’ (chaff – the anti-radar technique).
With that going
on, the simple trick of mobilising dead bodies should be a doddle for
these continental sorcerers.
- May 16, 2011 at 17:34
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Your ashes can be made into a diamond, apparently. A pretty way to end your
days.
- May 16,
2011 at 18:00
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I did a piece on Davendar Kumar Ghai – remember him? Tyneside council
wouldn’t let him have an open-air cremation on the grounds it would be
‘offensive to the majority of British people’ – and for weeks afterwards I
was bombarded by adverts from the people who do this.
Even more surreal was the advert that turned up following a post on
Forest Lawn cemetery – that lot suggested ‘memorialising a loved one’ by
getting their ashed baked into a tasteful glass paperweight.
- May 16,
2011 at 22:13
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I thought they’d progressed to having them compressed into cubic
zirconia-type jewels, now, so you can wear your loved on as a ring?
- May 16, 2011 at 17:04
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Law of unintended consequences:
How does the council organise a group of infidel male bodies to share a
female muslim’s grave?
- May 16, 2011 at 17:14
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I did wonder when someone would point that out……..
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May 16, 2011 at 21:46
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Wouldn’t it be one male to 72 women?
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May 16, 2011 at 21:52
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Is that supposed to be Heaven, or, Hell?
- May 16, 2011 at 16:42
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Good post.
- May 16, 2011 at 15:35
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I’ve uploaded my intelligence in to cyberspace so it lives on for ever
(ZX80 with 2K memory).
They’re piling them up in the graves
I hope I don’t share with a
knave
No political scum
Shall rest on my tum
Just chuck all their
bones in a cave
- May 16, 2011 at 15:39
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That’s just finished my day off beautifully, Livewire – the very thought
that I might end up buried with half a dozen politicians. Life can be so
unfair.
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May 16, 2011 at 16:12
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If they’re French, don’t get buried in a maid’s uniform…
- May 16, 2011 at 15:34
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I’ve always liked the idea of burial at sea, and I hear it’s been making a
bit of a comeback lately. Not sure about having my door kicked in and being
shot in the face though.
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May 16, 2011 at 20:51
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Ha!
- May 16, 2011 at 14:55
- May 16, 2011 at 14:25
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Shove me in the nearest Combined Heat and Power facility for all I care. I
will be dead, after all, and in little position to be able to object. Why do
we get so emotional about graves and stones?
Having said that, we are in no danger of getting full up as an island just
yet. Only about 10-15% of the nation is developed. There must be plenty of
space left for tipping dead bodies. Just perhaps not enough for all of us to
have a slot to ourselves within walking distance of our home towns…
- May 16, 2011 at 14:17
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I suspect I w0n’t have a problem – my wife has just received the estimates
for a new patio……
- May 16,
2011 at 13:57
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Personally, I’ve always favoured the Viking’s Funeral, preferably with an
assortment of freshly-despatched enemies at my feet (I have a list), or,
failing that, a nice bit of woodland somewhere.
I suppose the medieval practice of storing the bones in an ossuary to make
way for new burials is no longer acceptable but it’s clear something must be
done: I’m just grateful it isn’t Soylent Green – yet.
The grave’s no more a private place;
Chaste Doris lies in the
embrace
Of five unknowns who went before,
A wanton now for ever
more.
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May 20, 2011 at 12:05
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Nothing wrong with the Soylent Green scenario – at least they went out in
a dreamy atmosphere as against today’s taudry “rest homes”, except in
Switzerland of course.
- May 16, 2011 at 13:53
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If we give them a bit longer, we could dig them up as ‘Archeological
Finds’, and show them being radio-carbon dated and DNA-analysed on telly.
“This is most unusual. This chap was mostly Anglo-Saxon, with a hint of
Viking and Norman, and a large smattering of what seems to be Irish. The
solidified deposits in his bones suggest that he had a very poor diet of
burgers and chips, and drank only lager. By counting the rings in his
sectioned tooth, we see he died at the age of forty. Just shows how harsh life
must have been in this part of Liverpool in the late twentieth century.”
- May 16, 2011 at 13:52
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Woodland burial sites are increasingly popular. Usually on land less fit
for agriculture, with the deceased providing nutrients which help the trees to
grow – they plant one over each grave. That’s where my wife lies and I hope to
join her one day (hopefully not soon).
It’s ecological, organic and ideal
for “recyclers”.
- May 16,
2011 at 13:57
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What a splendid idea! Can you pick the tree? I’d like a nice, poisonous
yew.
- May
16, 2011 at 18:04
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And there I was thinking that our churchyards are full of yew trees
because of the once compulsory longbow practice for English villagers,
whereas it may have been simply the last wishes of Julia’s medieval
counterparts.
- May 16, 2011 at 13:35
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But if an avid golfer is “added to” his father’s grave, would he be “One
over par”?
Apologies & I’ll get my coat…
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May 20, 2011 at 12:02
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Please hurry
- May 16,
2011 at 12:37
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Take anything useful and set me on fire I say. That way, nobody can mess
with me afterwards.
{ 42 comments }