The Abbot has put me in detention after an unfortunate incident involving a bottle of White Lightning and a rotary mower. I am also to be denied the regular Saturday evening trip to play in the pool league at the Nun and Firkin. Woe is me! However, dwelling on my unhappy circumstances, I feel the need to emote on things about public life that make me thoroughly angry, and thus put my temporary travails in perspective. Here are my top ten.

1.  Pointless Inquiries. Whether it’s Hutton or Chilcot, Climbie or whatever. I do not know the total cost of these and the many others (it would be too depressing to contemplate), but whatever it is, I could have saved the government the trouble. There is a standard template for the report. Nobody in high office is to blame. There may have been mistakes, but these were made “in good faith” (note to self: fail to pay my road tax “in good faith” and see where it gets me) and these are largely the result of “systemic” failings. Lessons have been learned. There will be one or two sacrificial lambs down the food chain depending on whatever political expediency is required at the time. These “independent” inquires are run by government appointees, Establishment Figures par excellence. And Establishment Figures are not in the habit or business of biting the hand that feeds them, or criticising serving or indeed ex Prime Ministers and causing a ruckus. Given 20 minutes, a couple of pints in the beer garden of the Nun and Firkin, a ballpoint pen and a sheet of A4 and I could have saved them all the cost.

2.  Lord Prescott. Speaking of inquires, I see the notable “Savant” Lord Prescott of Pies, having completed his PHD in “How to be an old style class warrior and hypocrite” and begun work on his autobiography (working title “Pies, Perks and Pensions for Prezza!”), has been explaining his reservations about the evidence of WOMD to Messrs Chilcot & Co. His suspicions were allayed, however, by those intelligence officers whose word he was compelled to trust. Really? I am surprised he took a break from munching his dinners, besporting himself at croquet, or grotesque couplings with his secretary to read the stuff in the first place. How depressing to see this verbally incontinent, incomprehensible buffoon, quite literally, Lording it.

3.  Reality TV. As a good libertarian, I should allow The Trishas, The Jeremy Kyles, the Davinas and their appalling guests or “contestants” to seek validation for their sad, empty, futile and unhappy lives in whatever way they wish, provided it’s not courtesy of my licence fee. I don’t have to watch it, I know. But there is a time when principal must bow to pragmatism. All of these people must be arrested and sent without trial for an indeterminate period in a Siberian Gulag run by psychotic geriatric ex Stasi. Now. It is sufficient to know that they are out there, polluting the airwaves, to spoil my day.

4.  Jonathan Ross. The “talented” broadcaster – or so insist the fawning mee-ja luvvies. I am sure that Mr. Ross is quite a personable and good man, and I applaud him for a long and relatively stable marriage (have you seen Jane Goldman? He must be braver than he looks). But when it comes to broadcasting talent, I can detect very little, unless it is for self publicity, or ruining Radio 2 on a Saturday morning by playing his dodgy taste in music and prattling on about himself.  And if the BBC had really wanted a middle age man to leer lasciviously over his female guests and make puerile and distasteful comments to them of a Friday night, I could have filled in just as well, and at a fraction of the cost! I understand Mr Ross is now to take a sabbatical from broadcasting for a year. Well, having pocketed a vast salary from the profligate BBC he can afford to do that. Most people can’t.

5.  Fake A level results. Once the Gold Standard of education, I remember them fondly although I had to work my bottom off. However, now debased in the pursuit of the previous government’s relentless pursuit of positive statistics and successfully completed targets. This has been the appalling educational equivalent of a beautiful child being offered as a human sacrifice to God of Soundbites by cynical and malevolent political Shamans. Criminal.

6.  Closed down pubs. Everywhere I go in this northern part of the country, seemingly, and sadly in my real life a matter which I have to deal with. Each one is a symbol of a passing age where people would actually go out to meet, free from the strictures of the Health Nazis. Former bastions of working class communities, now broken and scattered. All passing before the tide of recession, cheep supermarket booze, “bars” and changing habits – as we all drink ourselves to death at home instead. Each one has behind it a tale of a failed business and probably a failed dream, a hopeless venture which could never succeed in the modern market. Empty, sad, boarded up buildings. Little tragedies each one.

7.  The Bonus Culture. Time was when you got a reward for success and exceptional performance. When civil servants got paid for doing their job. Tish and Pish! Away with such simple, old fashioned notions! Get yourself on a good quango, or a position on the board of a privatised industry and away you go. Railway running on time? No? Have a bonus! Civil servant overspending at the MOD? Have a bonus as well as a pension! Analysis of parliamentary questions and departmental accounts shows that in 2008/9 civil servants were awarded £129 million in bonuses. Of the innumerable examples, my favourite is the MetOffice, the meteorologically challenged organisation which brought you predictions of a “Barbeque Summer” and mild winter, and which recently paid out £1.1. million in performance bonuses. Armed with my trusty pine cones and a copy of Old Moore’s Almanac I believe I could have given them a run for their money. Bonus please?

8.  Radio 4’s Moneybox. Oh, God…..Enough said.

9.  Average Speed Cameras. For so many reasons. Because you probably have to travel by motorway because the train is late, or smelly, or doesn’t go where you want, or all three. Because of the endless, soul destroying road works, all populated by that icon of the Highways Agency, the “NEW” man – meaning Non Existent Workman. Because they gaze at you soullessly, soundlessly, mournfully, remorselessly, ever watchful for the excuse to fine (meaning tax) you; the technological embodiment of the bureaucrats and statists who so subserviently do the bidding of Our Lords and Masters. Yet another sign of the Surveillance State, endlessly prying, collecting, recording.

10.  Dame Suzi Leather, DBE. A “topic” raised in earlier posts, and always sure to raise my blood pressure (phnaar! phnaar!). The ultimate labour quango apparatchik, Dame Suzi has managed an impressive collection of 30 public sector appointments in the past 15 years. In her present incarnation she holds the Chair of the Charities Commission, albeit having no legal or accountancy background. She thus obtains a salary of £80,000 for a three day week; but since she “lives in the west country” she is afforded travel and accommodation expenses of more than £24,000 per annum (no hint of moving, then, Dame Suzi – like other people have to do for a job. No? Didn’t think so). The ultimate icon of the necromantic, incestuous, freeloading, unaccountable wastes of space who gorge themselves on the public purse. Her very existence makes me very, very unhappy.

There. I feel so much better now!

Gildas the Monk

sisterevalongoria69 August 10, 2010 at 14:50

Five a day

Bayard August 2, 2010 at 21:28

Health and Safety

faulksd August 2, 2010 at 13:26

Gildas –

One of my pet hates – along with all of the above listed by yourself and
the other contributors – is the bad spelling and grammar which has found it
way into the public domain. For example, the use of ‘principal’ for
‘principle’…!

Gildas August 2, 2010 at 13:29

I knew someone was going to get me on that! I had spotted it!
Mea
culpa, mea maxima culpa!
G

PT Barnum August 2, 2010 at 12:18

[insert number here] Overseas call centres whose staff are not sufficiently
skilled linguistically to understand an angry customer, but who pretend they
understand you.
Her: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Me: Yes,
find me someone who speaks better English [after repeated efforts to explain
the mendacious and incompetent performance of The Fault Dept].
Her: Thank
you. Yes, I can do that for you….Hello?…..Hello?
Me: Do what?
Her: I can
refund one month’s line rental.
(BT in case you’re wondering. And
‘Ombudsman’ seemed to be Open Sesame for bypassing the Call Centre
Script.)

Elvera August 2, 2010 at 10:33

…….and how about discontented ex-pats and frustrated Colonel Blimps!

formertory August 2, 2010 at 09:37

Politicians who constantly use the word “investment” when they mean “cost”.
They all do it. Even the Tories, who should know better. Which goes a long way
to explaining my moniker. Bastards.

Catosays August 2,
2010 at 08:55

You forgot Davina McCall and that stupid twat who does the Go Compare
ads..you know, the one with the curly moustaches,who I so desperately want to
kill.

Gildas August 2, 2010 at 10:02

Davina McCall gets a mention I think Cato…but you are so right about that
advert. Apparently it’s been a success for company concerned. Curses!

Catosays August 2, 2010 at 11:28

Apologies over the McCall bitch. The eyes aren’t what they were. But,
you can Janet Street-Walker. Horrible woman!

Holl August 2, 2010 at 00:55

Whoops, forgot to add;

The phrase, “going forward”, it pushes me into a reflex punching
action.
The word ‘robust’ which is used by arrogant politicians,
scientists, doctors and anyone else who is trying to push an agenda. It also
means the exact opposite when used by these people.

Jo Brand – has there ever been a more loathsome dog-end of a
woman?
Deborah Arnott – just below Mzzz Ugli in the rotted
stakes.
George Galloway – obnoxious doesn’t begin to describe this waste of
skin.
Polly Toynbee – the epitome of champagne socialism. Dead from the
neck up.

Stupid, stupid commenters on newspaper sites who have never bothered to
look at conflicting science, smug in their righteous disdain for any
alternative view. Like the stupid, stupid, stupid person who wrote that,
‘Smokers cost the health service

Gildas August 2, 2010 at 10:05

I shall take that as a compliment, Holl.
However, I may be able to
make amends if not today, then soon….
Gildas the Monk

PT Barnum August 2, 2010 at 12:26

‘Going forward’ now causes me to experience strange and uncontrollable
spasms of the jaw and scalp. I am so allergic to the phrase I can hear it
coming before it reaches my ears. The same effect can also be observed with
the apparently benign words ‘hard-working families’.

Daedalus
Parrot August 2, 2010 at 13:18

It’s funny how the phrase “hard working families” is usually trotted
out by politicians who, in the same speech, may mention ways of harming
these same “hard working families”. Like taxes, more employment-destroying
immigration, more criminals let out early, …

Most politicos don’t personally know any genuine “hard working
families” but I suspect they secretly dislike them and probably regard
most of them as “awful bigots”.

Holl August 2, 2010 at 00:22

Filthy McNasty, not high profile maybe but…

Marlon King is determined to stay out of trouble as he waits to receive an
opportunity to get back into football.

The striker was released from prison this week after spending nine months
in jail after being found guilty of sexual assault and actual bodily harm over
an incident in a London nightclub, which occurred in December 2008.

Footballer Gavin Grant has been jailed for life after being found guilty of
murder.

The former Millwall striker shot dead former friend Leon Labastide, 21, in
Harlesden in 2004.

The 26-year-old had been cleared in August 2007 of the shooting murder of
Jahmall Moore.

Grant has been told he will have to serve at least 25 years in prison at
the hearing at the Old Bailey.

Fabian the
Fabulous August 2, 2010 at 00:17

Amen to every one of them.

Funnily enough, I was just now in a pub (there are still few left in these
parts) warning an old friend of the Five Topics Not to Get Me Going On Unless
They Were Prepared for a Half Hour Rant On Each. And that’s in addition to
your top ten.
But enough blood boiling for one day – I’ll save ‘em for
later.

Filthy McNasty
August 1, 2010 at 23:01

There are some words and phrases as well that symbolise what a shithole
this country has become:

Diversity
Progressive
Modernisation
Delivery
New
politics
Fairness (at least Gordon Browns definition of the word)

I’m sure there are more

Mick Turatian
August 2, 2010 at 09:46

Stakeholder

Dennis August 1, 2010 at 22:25

I think there may be potential for a television series here. Let me think –
Grumpy Old – no, hold on: Miserable Middle Age[d] Monks.

If Callow approaches you, tell him I thought of it first and that I’m
pretty hot on that IP stuff.

Gildas August 1, 2010 at 22:38

Thanks Dennis – you can be my agent!
G

Dennis August 1, 2010 at 22:45

Filthy McNasty
August 1, 2010 at 22:19

This list I can wholeheartedly agree with – particularly if I take John
Prescott, Jonathan Ross and Suzy Leather as representative of a whole class of
people I thoroughly despise.

There is more though – the whole talentless Z-list celeb thing needs to be
thrust into the spotlight – Jade Goody was the start of this appalling
phenomenon and her other half Jack Tweed is a cunt of the highest order.

Also the WAG thing – Victoria Beckham is the prize example although at
least she had a career of her own. The Alex Curran, Terri Pooles, Carly Coles
and Coleen Rooneys of this world though are only in the spotlight due to the
fact their bloke is good at kicking a football. This and the money appears to
be why they are prepared to tolerate constant infidelity.

Let me next move on to the manufactured pop industry – girls bands (Spice
Girls , Pussycat Dolls), boy bands (Westlife, Boyzone) and mixed ones (S Club
7) – morons performing for morons. I was going to include Take That but will
concede Gary Barlow has some talent and Robbie Williams has done ok.

I’ve done WAGS but footballers themselves are also repulsive – almost
universally stupid and thinking themselves invincible I am guessing it is only
a matter of time before a high profile footballer does time for sexual assault
or worse.

Oh yes and Gordon Brown

Gildas August 1, 2010 at 20:08

It was purely an off the cuff list, so to speak – so many valid
contributions. Thank to you all
Gildas the Monk

PT Barnum August 1, 2010 at 19:39

27. British ‘interior design’ fetishism – all fur coat and no knickers
where ‘home’ is a grubby concept and ‘house’ takes its place.

28. The fondness of modern British society for selling off the family
history for a few quid, on or off the tellybox, as war medals, unfashionable
furniture and heirlooms are replaced by

The Nosey Mole
August 2, 2010 at 01:27

29. Football

Hysteria August 1, 2010 at 19:20

26. The culture of “celebrity”.

English Viking
August 1, 2010 at 18:47

I’m sorry, I really can’t resrain myself now I’ve started.

23. Jamie Oliver. Is their anybody who would not pay good money to punch
the smug, sanctimonious cockney moron right in the kite?

24. ‘Comedians’ who think that smut and foul language are intrinsically
funny, without the need for attaching a joke.

25. Alex poxy Ferguson trying to persuade all the Man U morons to vote
Labour.

I’ve got to stop, the bile is burning my throat.

The Nosey Mole
August 2, 2010 at 01:25

Number 25 is brilliant, the best description I ever heard/read of Alex
Ferguson (note no title) ” A ruddy faced mountain of lachrimonious scottish
bile” I believe it was in the spectator and it might have been Boris j. who
wrote it cannot remember.

English
Viking August 2, 2010 at 14:32

Making that vile man a Knight was yet another example of Tony Blair’s
criminality.

English Viking
August 1, 2010 at 18:36

14. The Police ‘Service’ regularly beating to death or shooting people, and
then getting away with it.

15. Muslims. Do I need to explain?

16. Non-Muslims who denigrate their own culture in order to appease, or
even worse – to be ‘right-on’.

17. Nobs who pay a 37 pence charge at the till with a Visa card, and then
smurf themselves trying to remember their PIN.

18. Local Councils using Poll Tax/Community Charge/Council Tax/whatever
they call it now funds to buy areas of public land, turning it into a Car
Park, painting double-yellow lines everywhere within a 3 mile radius of the
Car Park and then charging the people who paid for the damnable thing in the
first place a ridiculous amount to use it.

19. People who ‘celebrate’ anything other than Christmas or their birthday,
eg ‘diversity’.

20. People who think that any given thing must be factually correct because
they read it in a newspaper or on the ‘net, and therefore they are an expert
in said thing, especially if they can provide a link to wiki.

21. A legal system which thinks that not paying TV tax is an imprisonable
offense, but carrying a knife is not.

22. People who eat ‘five-a-day’, don’t smoke, drink, laugh or indeed live
in any meaningful way, and expect me to do the same.

I could go on.

Hysteria August 1, 2010 at 18:25

Good list. I particularly liked the Libertarian position on Gulags!

Gildas August 1, 2010 at 20:42

Er…yes…got a bit carried away…
Thanks
Gildas the Monk

PT Barnum August 1, 2010 at 17:53

Excellent start and rightly the top 10, but I’m sure we could get to 100
(or 101) without breaking a sweat.

11. Caucasian English teenagers who speak, dress and walk as though they
were born and bred in Compton or Detroit, aka wiggas. Get your own culture,
don’t just steal one.
12. All native-born people (allowing for cultural
variants) with no sense of personal space, especially to be found in
supermarket checkout queues, and usually the same people who conduct
themselves as if the supermarket/street were their own private
fiefdom/playground.
13. Anyone who ever begins a sentence with ‘Everybody
believes/feels/knows/accepts’ since they are always people with power over our
lives and they are about to say something which only 3 people and a
disgruntled Martian accept as having any validity whatever.

I’ll stop now.

lenko
August 1, 2010 at 21:34

I recognise that last point. My ex-partner, when trying to win an
argument, would start a sentence with “Most men….” at which point I would
say “Oh, you’ve done the survey, have you? Stood on the corner with your
clipboard.”

This got right up her nose, I’m very pleased to say.

Ed P August 1, 2010 at 17:13

Wonderful stuff!
Point No. 6 (rather appropriately): you did not mention
the major reason for pubs closing – the smoking ban. Other EU countries have
been more sensible than the Righteous “ban everything” attitude in the UK –
their implementations of the ban have allowed for (separated) indoor smoking,
thus preserving their cafe/bar culture. With the loss of so many pubs, we have
destroyed much of what was good about British rural life and lost the axis
around which village life revolved. (I do not even smoke, but liked the pub
culture.)

Gildas August 1, 2010 at 20:41

Thank you Ed.
The smoking issue is an important factor, but also it
seems to me that so many pubs just can’t compete on prices with the level of
charges from breweries under the brewery ties. People go into these
businesses with high hopes, often after losing employed work and really,
they have no chance. It is so sad to see – and I do have to see it. Can’t
say any more.
Gildas the Monk