Result for the Righteous.
Years ago, Uncle Tom Cobbley would take off down to the local public house after his supper to enjoy his pipe and a conversation with the other allotment holders without having to mind his language in front of the ladies.
The public house was the poor manâs version of the ladies âwithdrawing roomâ; a haven of strong drink, stronger language and thick smoke that âer indoorsâ didnât choose to host in her front parlour.
Feminism broke through this barrier and ensured that the ladies were just as likely to be found propping up the bar now that they had a dishwasher and an electric iron and an abortion instead of another four toddlers to watch over.
The public house became a sanitised âgastro-pubâ so that Madame no longer had to return home to prepare the supper. Then it added a âchildrenâs roomâ so that she didnât have to wait for the few children she had exercised her âuman rightâ to produce to grow up before she could enjoy her equal rights.
Before too long it was literally a home from home with a juke box, and a TV and comfy sofaâs to replace the bar stool. Now that it resembled Madameâs front parlour, she complained that she didnât like the thick smoke, nor the strong language.
Air conditioning was installed, but it wasnât enough, so the smoking was banned, and the strong language disproved of.
Unfortunately, this had removed two of the reasons for the public houseâs very existence, so they went out of business at a rate of knots, some 60 a week to be precise.
What do you do with an ex-public house? It used to be extremely hard to achieve a precious âchange of useâ certificate. The public house was the âheart of the communityâ or at least the heart of the smoking/drinking/chatting community.
How very fitting then, that the Colgrave Arms in Leytonstone, is to become the heart of the local righteous community.
In doing so, it will no longer be open to the ladies to sup their pint of equality beer, nor to discuss their latest abortion. Nor to have their supper cooked for them, nor to watch Eastenders on the wide screen TV. In future they will have to stay at home.
As Hilaire Belloc wrote⦠âWhen you have lost your inns drown your empty selves, for you will have lost the last of England!â
I can foresee the day when Britain will be famous for having a ârighteous community centreâ at the end of every street.
We will have âThe Shariaâs Closing Innâ, âThe Old Black Burqaâ, âThe Jolly Jack Strawâ, âThe Mustapha Almsâ, and âThe Crusaderâs Headâ.
So many pubs to renameâ¦â¦see what suggestions you can come up with.
(Try not to make them libellous, I donât want to have to delete any!)
July 29, 2010 at 14:09
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Excellent!
Iâm humbled :0)
July 28, 2010 at 18:16
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The Crown and Ankara. No âJewâk box though.
July 28, 2010 at 18:10
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The Ali-Aq Bar.
The Kuffarâs Head.
July 28, 2010 at 16:15
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Following from Dave Hâs:
The Artificial Arms
(Prop. A. Hamza)
July 28, 2010 at 18:02
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A. Hamza once came to such harm
He now has just part of each
arm:
His hook-clawed prostheses
Are hideous pieces
Which add not
one jot to his charm.
July 28, 2010 at 16:02
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The Improvised Arms.
July 28, 2010 at 13:57
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The No. 30
That.is.all.
July 28, 2010 at 13:49
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Has the fatwah lady sung now?
July 28, 2010 at 17:47
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Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Nope! Iâm just warming up!
July 28, 2010 at 13:09
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Iâve hadith up to here..
July 28, 2010 at 05:31
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All much too clever for me. But very funny.
July 28, 2010 at 00:56
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This gives me hope that England is safe â !!! Just off for a glass of
Chablis down at Aliâs Axe Bar
July 27, 2010 at 23:39
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The Rags Head
Allyâs AkhBar
The Towels Head
Mustapha Wanks
The 72 Virgins
July 27, 2010 at 23:01
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With my limited knowledge of English
youâve just ALL got me rolling on
the floor
Iâm pretty sure I cannot, but nonetheless I will try to attribute â¦
Give
me a mo [or a night]
July 27,
2010 at 21:55
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The Theifs Hand
The Caliphs Beered
The Crusaders Head
The Box
Cutters Flight
The Twin Towers (open 9-11)
The Allave one for the
road
The IED Makers Arms
The Prostrate Pilgrim
The Banging
Plane
The Blair in the Bush
The Cropped Poodle
The Veiled Virginâ¦
July 27, 2010 at 21:41
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Osama Bin Arms
July 27, 2010 at 19:53
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The Non-white Caliphs of Dover
July 27, 2010 at 19:53
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The Saracenâs Head?
July 27, 2010 at 19:25
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Right everyone sing-song time (with Captain Hook on the pianner):
Knees Up Mullah Brown
The Old Iron Crescent
Show Me The Way To Bomb
Home
Weâll Meet Again (with 24 virgins. Each!!)
Ayatollah Got No Money
(except benefits paid by a grateful British public)
On Mullah Kellyâs
Doorstep
July 27, 2010 at 19:33
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This sounds like a good old sing-song down Koranation Street, maybe.
July 27, 2010 at 20:07
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Brilliant! I was thinking the Ali Bar One on Finsbury Pavement in
Moorgateâ¦.
July 27, 2010 at 20:22
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And then thereâs the old favourite ⦠âMaybe itâs Burquas Iâm a
Londonerâ
July 27, 2010 at 20:25
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and just as the disco closes âVeil Meet Againâ?
July 27, 2010 at 20:33
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Gloria â I give in! You win by a mile. (Wanders off singing, âIf I
had a Hamasâ¦â)
July 27, 2010 at 20:44
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Or, âIf I hajib a hammerâ
July 27, 2010 at 21:05
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Joe P/Caractacus
We seem to be putting together the programme for an old-fashioned
Sangin/Dance Act.
July 27, 2010 at 21:08
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or maybe the music should just be good olâ Raccoon Roll.
July 27, 2010 at 21:39
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What â like âWest Bank Story? âSharia, Iâve just met a law called
Shariaâ
July 27, 2010 at 21:41
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Anna should be proud, her readers have put forward some wonderful
suggestions. Not one is Shiâite.
July 27, 2010 at 22:29
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âSharia with a djinn on topâ
July 27, 2010 at 19:23
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The landlordâs a halalcoholic, heâs drunk all the Prophets
July 28, 2010 at 00:53
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classic!
July 27, 2010 at 19:18
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Whatever you do- donât suggest you get stoned â might have some unexpected
consequences!
G the Monk
July 27, 2010 at 19:07
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I like a djin and tonic, or anything as long as itâs allahcoholic, when I
drink at the Bar-Mitzvah.
Er, hang on â shum mishtake here, surelyâ¦
July 27, 2010 at 19:02
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The Dj Inn
July 27, 2010 at 20:03
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Dj Inn Bar Snacks:
Refreshing glass of freshly-squeezed Sunni Delight
~
A selection of
crusty and moreish Ayatollah Pies
~
Mullah Rice or Niquabocker
Glory
July 27, 2010 at 18:42
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bit of a change from churches becoming Wetherspoons!
July 27, 2010 at 18:32
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circumcision , spelling someone gave me a tip
July 27, 2010 at 18:29
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the circumcish inn
July 27, 2010 at 17:50
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The Cadillac and Koran ?
July 27, 2010 at 17:49
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The Headless Princess ?
July 27,
2010 at 17:22
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The Rising Sunni
July
27, 2010 at 16:07
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The Mustapha liq
Excellent toilet facilities including disabled closets for holy
warriors.
Sorry, pork scratchings not served.
July
27, 2010 at 16:02
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The Alky Eda
July 27, 2010 at 15:52
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The Saracenâs Head(quarters)
July
27, 2010 at 15:49
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The Ayeshasâ thighs
(Open extra early)
July 27, 2010 at 15:43
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The Mad Rasser
July
27, 2010 at 15:29
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The Mujhad Inn.
July 27, 2010 at 15:44
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Where one might enjoy a pint of âOld Burquliarâ?
July 27, 2010 at 16:44
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And Mecca half last the evening.
July 27, 2010 at 17:10
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.. while the ladies sip Tia Shariaâ¦
July 27, 2010 at 15:03
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The Inn Shallah
July 27, 2010 at 14:30
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The Empty Cella
The Tavern Acle
The Inn Fidel
The Tequila
Islammer
July 27, 2010 at 14:49
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Inn Fidel! Like it!
July 27, 2010 at 14:52
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July 27,
2010 at 14:24
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The Attractive Camel PH.
July 27, 2010 at 14:16
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Poor, poor England..
Anyway,
Donât know about the name, but I know
what I want on the jukebox –
âThey tried to make me go to Jihad, I said no!
no! no!â
Gildas the Monk
July 27, 2010 at 13:59
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The Kingâs Head of course, on a plate, when we finally get Sharia Law.
July 27, 2010 at 13:55
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The Profit.
The Stone Circle.
The Shalla Inn.
By the way, how does a dishwasher, electric iron and ONE abortion prevent
avoid having four toddlers?
July 27, 2010 at 13:44
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The Moo âEads Inn..
July 27, 2010 at 15:33
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Clever! Took me a moâ, but worth the effort.
July 28, 2010 at 00:50
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nice one!
July 27, 2010 at 13:34
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The Abolition Inn. I canât see that one lasting long.
July 27,
2010 at 13:21
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The Suicide Bombers Arms. (Itâs all we could find of him)
July 27, 2010 at 13:16
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David Davisâs pub could become the Shoe Thrower and Flogger.
{ 78 comments }