Years ago, Uncle Tom Cobbley would take off down to the local public house after his supper to enjoy his pipe and a conversation with the other allotment holders without having to mind his language in front of the ladies.

The public house was the poor man’s version of the ladies ‘withdrawing room’; a haven of strong drink, stronger language and thick smoke that ‘er indoors’ didn’t choose to host in her front parlour.

Feminism broke through this barrier and ensured that the ladies were just as likely to be found propping up the bar now that they had a dishwasher and an electric iron and an abortion instead of another four toddlers to watch over.

The public house became a sanitised ‘gastro-pub’ so that Madame no longer had to return home to prepare the supper. Then it added a ‘children’s room’ so that she didn’t have to wait for the few children she had exercised her ‘uman right’ to produce to grow up before she could enjoy her equal rights.

Before too long it was literally a home from home with a juke box, and a TV and comfy sofa’s to replace the bar stool. Now that it resembled Madame’s front parlour, she complained that she didn’t like the thick smoke, nor the strong language.

Air conditioning was installed, but it wasn’t enough, so the smoking was banned, and the strong language disproved of.

Unfortunately, this had removed two of the reasons for the public house’s very existence, so they went out of business at a rate of knots, some 60 a week to be precise.

What do you do with an ex-public house? It used to be extremely hard to achieve a precious ‘change of use’ certificate. The public house was the ‘heart of the community’ or at least the heart of the smoking/drinking/chatting community.

How very fitting then, that the Colgrave Arms in Leytonstone, is to become the heart of the local righteous community.

In doing so, it will no longer be open to the ladies to sup their pint of equality beer, nor to discuss their latest abortion. Nor to have their supper cooked for them, nor to watch Eastenders on the wide screen TV. In future they will have to stay at home.

It is to become a mosque.

As Hilaire Belloc wrote… “When you have lost your inns drown your empty selves, for you will have lost the last of England!”

I can foresee the day when Britain will be famous for having a ‘righteous community centre’ at the end of every street.

We will have ‘The Sharia’s Closing Inn’, ‘The Old Black Burqa’, ‘The Jolly Jack Straw’, ‘The Mustapha Alms’, and ‘The Crusader’s Head’.

So many pubs to rename……see what suggestions you can come up with.

(Try not to make them libellous, I don’t want to have to delete any!)

FidelJuly 29, 2010 at 14:09

Excellent!

I’m humbled :0)

English Viking
July 28, 2010 at 18:16

The Crown and Ankara. No ‘Jew’k box though.

English Viking
July 28, 2010 at 18:10

The Ali-Aq Bar.

The Kuffar’s Head.

formertoryJuly 28, 2010 at 16:15

Following from Dave H’s:

The Artificial Arms
(Prop. A. Hamza)

Gloria Smudd
July 28, 2010 at 18:02

A. Hamza once came to such harm
He now has just part of each
arm:
His hook-clawed prostheses
Are hideous pieces
Which add not
one jot to his charm.

Dave H.July 28, 2010 at 16:02

The Improvised Arms.

OllyJuly 28, 2010 at 13:57

The No. 30

That.is.all.

CaratacusJuly 28, 2010 at 13:49

Has the fatwah lady sung now?

Gloria Smudd
July 28, 2010 at 17:47

Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! Nope! I’m just warming up!

faulksdJuly 28, 2010 at 13:09

I’ve hadith up to here..

EleanorJuly 28, 2010 at 05:31

All much too clever for me. But very funny.

HysteriaJuly 28, 2010 at 00:56

This gives me hope that England is safe – !!! Just off for a glass of
Chablis down at Ali’s Axe Bar

jimmyJuly 27, 2010 at 23:39

The Rags Head

Ally’s AkhBar

The Towels Head

Mustapha Wanks

The 72 Virgins

ChJuly 27, 2010 at 23:01

With my limited knowledge of English
you’ve just ALL got me rolling on
the floor

I’m pretty sure I cannot, but nonetheless I will try to attribute …
Give
me a mo [or a night]

IndyanhatJuly 27,
2010 at 21:55

The Theifs Hand
The Caliphs Beered
The Crusaders Head
The Box
Cutters Flight
The Twin Towers (open 9-11)
The Allave one for the
road
The IED Makers Arms
The Prostrate Pilgrim
The Banging
Plane
The Blair in the Bush
The Cropped Poodle
The Veiled Virgin…

cynicalHighlander
July 27, 2010 at 21:41

Osama Bin Arms

Fabian the
FabulousJuly 27, 2010 at 19:53

The Non-white Caliphs of Dover

Anthony FraserJuly 27, 2010 at 19:53

The Saracen’s Head?

CaratacusJuly 27, 2010 at 19:25

Right everyone sing-song time (with Captain Hook on the pianner):

Knees Up Mullah Brown
The Old Iron Crescent
Show Me The Way To Bomb
Home
We’ll Meet Again (with 24 virgins. Each!!)
Ayatollah Got No Money
(except benefits paid by a grateful British public)
On Mullah Kelly’s
Doorstep

Gloria Smudd
July 27, 2010 at 19:33

This sounds like a good old sing-song down Koranation Street, maybe.

Caratacus
July 27, 2010 at 20:07

Brilliant! I was thinking the Ali Bar One on Finsbury Pavement in
Moorgate….

Gloria
SmuddJuly 27, 2010 at 20:22

And then there’s the old favourite … ‘Maybe it’s Burquas I’m a
Londoner’

Gloria
SmuddJuly 27, 2010 at 20:25

and just as the disco closes ‘Veil Meet Again’?

Caratacus
July 27, 2010 at 20:33

Gloria – I give in! You win by a mile. (Wanders off singing, ‘If I
had a Hamas…’)

Joe
PublicJuly 27, 2010 at 20:44

Or, ‘If I hajib a hammer’

Gloria
SmuddJuly 27, 2010 at 21:05

Joe P/Caractacus

We seem to be putting together the programme for an old-fashioned
Sangin/Dance Act.

Gloria
SmuddJuly 27, 2010 at 21:08

or maybe the music should just be good ol’ Raccoon Roll.

Caratacus
July 27, 2010 at 21:39

What – like ‘West Bank Story? “Sharia, I’ve just met a law called
Sharia”

Joe
PublicJuly 27, 2010 at 21:41

Anna should be proud, her readers have put forward some wonderful
suggestions. Not one is Shi’ite.

Brian
July 27, 2010 at 22:29

“Sharia with a djinn on top”

Fabian the
FabulousJuly 27, 2010 at 19:23

The landlord’s a halalcoholic, he’s drunk all the Prophets

HysteriaJuly 28, 2010 at 00:53

classic!

GildasJuly 27, 2010 at 19:18

Whatever you do- don’t suggest you get stoned – might have some unexpected
consequences!
G the Monk

Fabian the
FabulousJuly 27, 2010 at 19:07

I like a djin and tonic, or anything as long as it’s allahcoholic, when I
drink at the Bar-Mitzvah.
Er, hang on – shum mishtake here, surely…

CaratacusJuly 27, 2010 at 19:02

The Dj Inn

Gloria Smudd
July 27, 2010 at 20:03

Dj Inn Bar Snacks:

Refreshing glass of freshly-squeezed Sunni Delight
~
A selection of
crusty and moreish Ayatollah Pies
~
Mullah Rice or Niquabocker
Glory

Jess The Dog
July 27, 2010 at 18:42

bit of a change from churches becoming Wetherspoons!

kyboshableJuly 27, 2010 at 18:32

circumcision , spelling someone gave me a tip

kyboshableJuly 27, 2010 at 18:29

the circumcish inn

Sarbanes Oxley
July 27, 2010 at 17:50

The Cadillac and Koran ?

Sarbanes Oxley
July 27, 2010 at 17:49

The Headless Princess ?

CatosaysJuly 27,
2010 at 17:22

The Rising Sunni

Gloria Smudd
July 27, 2010 at 17:42

That’s EXCELLENT, Cato!

CatosaysJuly
27, 2010 at 21:29

…Bows gracefully… ta Gloria

RightwinggitJuly
27, 2010 at 16:07

The Mustapha liq

Excellent toilet facilities including disabled closets for holy
warriors.

Sorry, pork scratchings not served.

RightwinggitJuly
27, 2010 at 16:02

The Alky Eda

97% and proud of
it.July 27, 2010 at 15:52

The Saracen’s Head(quarters)

RightwinggitJuly
27, 2010 at 15:49

The Ayeshas’ thighs

(Open extra early)

Anna
RaccoonJuly 27, 2010 at 15:52

Naughty, naughty…….and very funny……

formertoryJuly 27, 2010 at 15:43

The Mad Rasser

RightwinggitJuly
27, 2010 at 15:29

The Mujhad Inn.

Gloria Smudd
July 27, 2010 at 15:44

Where one might enjoy a pint of ‘Old Burquliar’?

BrianJuly 27, 2010 at 16:44

And Mecca half last the evening.

Gloria
SmuddJuly 27, 2010 at 17:10

.. while the ladies sip Tia Sharia…

2MacJuly 27, 2010 at 15:03

The Inn Shallah

Anna
RaccoonJuly 27, 2010 at 15:07

Eeh bah gum, you’re a talented lot – keep ‘em coming!

Anna
RaccoonJuly 27, 2010 at 15:10

‘The Prophetable Venture’.

BrianJuly 27, 2010 at 16:41

The Kaa Bar. The Minbar.

Gloria Smudd
July 27, 2010 at 14:30

The Empty Cella
The Tavern Acle
The Inn Fidel
The Tequila
Islammer

GildasJuly 27, 2010 at 14:49

Inn Fidel! Like it!

Gloria Smudd
July 27, 2010 at 14:52

CatosaysJuly 27,
2010 at 14:24

The Attractive Camel PH.

GildasJuly 27, 2010 at 14:16

Poor, poor England..
Anyway,
Don’t know about the name, but I know
what I want on the jukebox –
“They tried to make me go to Jihad, I said no!
no! no!”
Gildas the Monk

KingbingoJuly 27, 2010 at 14:20

Were crusades not a second Millennium affair and were you not very much a
first millennium guy.

GildasJuly 27, 2010 at 14:48

Yeah, but I kinda hung around for the fun!

BuckoJuly 27,
2010 at 14:28

The World is just a great big Onion Dome.

BobJuly 27, 2010 at 13:59

The King’s Head of course, on a plate, when we finally get Sharia Law.

Ed PJuly 27, 2010 at 13:55

The Profit.
The Stone Circle.
The Shalla Inn.

By the way, how does a dishwasher, electric iron and ONE abortion prevent
avoid having four toddlers?

Anna
RaccoonJuly 27, 2010 at 15:13

The abortion only prevents one toddler, you hit the husband over the head
with the electric iron and replace him with the dishwasher……that takes care
of the rest.

Ed PJuly 27, 2010 at 15:44

Inn Shalla – very droll, Anna

Anna
RaccoonJuly 27, 2010 at
15:48

The Allahu Ak-Bar.

Gloria
SmuddJuly 27, 2010 at 17:12

The Ayatolla Pie Shop.

faulksdJuly 27, 2010 at 13:44

The Moo ‘Eads Inn..

formertory
July 27, 2010 at 15:33

Clever! Took me a mo’, but worth the effort.

HysteriaJuly 28, 2010 at 00:50

nice one!

EleanorJuly 27, 2010 at 13:34

The Abolition Inn. I can’t see that one lasting long.

BuckoJuly 27,
2010 at 13:21

The Suicide Bombers Arms. (It’s all we could find of him)

BrianJuly 27, 2010 at 13:16

David Davis’s pub could become the Shoe Thrower and Flogger.