With apologies to the incomparable Flanders and Swann

Another example of a Council’s left hand not knowing what the right is doing. I’ve availed myself of poetic licence to telescope the timescale, but this has all been happening recently in a street near me…

‘Twas on a Monday morning that the sorry tale began;
The locals were complaining so the Council sent a man.
He stood there with his clipboard and eventually he said,
“We shall have to put in speed bumps or someone will wind up dead”.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

‘Twas on a Tuesday morning that the workmen brought their tools,
They shut down all the bus stops (which upset the local schools),
They put up lights and barriers as far as you could see
And set up a diversion, then went home to have their tea.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

On Wednesday they were back again, they worked from morn till noon,
They drilled and dug and shovelled busily and pretty soon
We had half a dozen speed bumps lined up all along the road
And the merry sound of squealing brakes as all the traffic slowed.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

But on the Thursday morning the ambulance cried ‘foul’,
Every time they hit a speed bump they could hear their patients howl,
And it turned out every time a driver met one in a bus
The passengers got whiplash and they made an awful fuss.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

So on the Friday morning, the council sent some men
Who filled the road with barriers and traffic lights again;
They turned the solid speed bumps into hummocks four feet wide
So the wheels of public vehicles could pass on either side.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

On Saturday came lorries, ‘twas the workmen back again
Armed with a council order for resurfacing the lane;
They put back every barrier and every traffic light
And then they went off home again – they wouldn’t work at night.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

On Sunday they were there again, all working on the street
They laid down lots of tarmac, left the edges clean and neat,
And when the job was finished and the surface nearly dry,
All those useful brand new speed bumps were a centimetre high.
Oh it all makes work for the working man to do….

Once again the road’s a rat-run and the residents complain
So the Council’s just about to send the clipboard man again.

Macheath

Gloria Smudd
July 3, 2010 at 18:53

Mme Raccoon was the first to notice that my moniker owed much to the
Flanders & Swann number and she pounced on it immediately with a reference
to Some Madeira M’dear and an antepenultimate breath. For me, ’nuff said. We
have been firm chums ever since.

Another excellent offering, Mr Macheath!

Macheath July 3,
2010 at 19:07

Thanks, Gloria – praise from the praiseworthy is a jewel beyond
price!

I didn’t make the connection consciously at first, but after a visit
here, I unaccountably found myself humming ‘The Hippopotamus Song’ – once a
great favourite with my children. As I have been returning to their work
occasionally since then, one could say you had a hand in the genesis of this
piece.

Oh, and since we’re among friends here, and to avoid future
embarrassment, perhaps its time to come clean and admit that I am,
yours
sincerely,
Macheath (Mrs)

Gloria Smudd
July 3, 2010 at 19:53

Mrs M! I am so sorry to have assumed you were of the other gender. I
should have known. Had my own hormone levels not recently dropped through
the floor I might not have been so hasty in my assumptions. I’m not at my
best these days, what with having to run outside at 4am every night and
roll in the dampish grass just to counter the effects of what is so
inadequately described as a ‘flush’. Anyway, you’s a good egg with a knack
for a ditty, Mrs!

Richard B July 3,
2010 at 17:55

I have seen a lot of these ‘remakes’ of classic tunes in various blogs, and
they are usually weak and ineffective. This one hits the spot very surely – it
scans, it rhymes and it’s funny.

Top stuff, Sir!

Demetrius July 3,
2010 at 17:31

Ah, Flanders and Swann. I saw them at the Fortune in ’58 and they were
great, with a couple of pints in the “Coal Hole” afterwards. They were
generous men and would have loved your variation. With a bit of luck I will be
in the “Coal Hole” tomorrow and will raise a glass.

Tony Dean
July 3, 2010 at 17:24

The level of intelligence of people who work for the local councils is so
very small it’s surprising they actually filled in the job application form
correctly. No council it seems allows a referendum of the local citizens about
proposed changes in their borough, it’s about time major changes such as his
had to have a referendum with at least 80% of people voting to have it
done.

Richard B July
3, 2010 at 18:01

True. My local council have gone through various schemes outside the
local Tesco, ranging from chicanes to humps to cushions. Each one got masses
of complaints, so they dug it all up and started again. But who had actually
asked for it to be done in the first place? No-one. The council decide what
we need, and then they use our money to give it to us. They’ve made the town
centre completely impossible for cars, but no-one voted for it. It’s for our
own good, you see. Local referenda on issues like this would be a massive
step in the right direction.

Joe Public July 3, 2010 at 16:31

After winning Anna’s wine in her Limerick Contest, presumably becoming Poet
Laureate is your next challenge?

Macheath July 3,
2010 at 17:03

One step at a time, JP – I don’t think the job description includes
making up scurrilous limericks about the royal family (although it would be
far more entertaining if it did).

Thaddeus J.
Wilson July 3, 2010 at 15:05

Outstanding piece, sir!

Macheath July 3,
2010 at 18:47

Thank you, TJW – and my thanks also to a Raccoon of infinite resource and
sagacity for posting it here.