All mouth and no knickers, the new ‘Kilt’ notes.
Yesterday we spoke of David Mundell’s plan to force English shops to accept Scottish Banknotes. An earlier post by Gloria on 
the subject of quantitative easing asked whether the notes could be easily identified:
So, go on Gordon, print the stuff, print at least £100 billion of it, but print every note of it in vivid scarlet with a lovely funereal black border, decorated with illustrations of the Monopoly flat-iron, the Scottie dog, the top hat, the old boot and (in a nod to current feeling towards politicians, banks and bankers) perhaps a nice roll of piano-wire.
That way, we’d all know which notes to stash into our mattresses and which red and black notes to use for our loan repayments; which notes to keep for our children’s future and which red and black notes to put by for them to pay their crippling tax bills; the bankers would also know which green, brown, purple or orange notes to issue themselves in loans or bonuses, wouldn’t they?
We know the great and the good (and Guido) read this blog, so perhaps they have taken heed of Gloria’s excellent suggestion. Are we to have a new banknote, the knickerless ‘Kilt’ to alert us to the fact that the printing presses are running?
Hansard reports an interesting exchange during the second reading of this bill.
Mr. Tim Boswell (Daventry) (Con): […]will he comment on the likely implications of his measure for quantitative easing? Would it ease it or make it more difficult?
Mr. Deputy Speaker (Sir Michael Lord): Order. Before the hon. Member for Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweeddale (David Mundell) answers that intervention, it might be helpful to the House if I read out that the purpose of the Bill is to “Make provision about the acceptability of Scottish banknotes throughout the United Kingdom; and for connected purposes.” (my emphasis)
David Mundell: […]I am sure the Scottish banks will be happy to play their part in quantitative easing.[…]
Mr. Christopher Chope (Christchurch) (Con): My hon. Friend’s Bill discusses the acceptability of Scottish banknotes throughout the United Kingdom. Does he think that that acceptability would be enhanced if the £150 billion of banknotes being issued by the Government as part of quantitative easing were issued in Scottish banknote form?
David Mundell: That is an interesting proposition, but I am conscious of your earlier comments, Mr. Deputy Speaker.
March 8, 2009 at 00:58
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My glass slipper is beginning to pinch and I can’t risk another total shoe
shatter in my deep-pile wilton this late at night. So, I wish you a good night
all.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:47
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You’re not saying this is the end, are you janes? So be it. Have it your
way.
Fin.
- March 8, 2009 at 00:45
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I bet the bull is enjoying that!
Anyway, I’m floundering about trying to reload AR all the time, don’t know
if it’s my computer or the blog. I’m going to stop codding myself it will all
be all right and am cutting my losses and going to bed, via fag city.
Good night all. If you reach 150 let me know immediately.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:42
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You are all talking a load of bull.
…………………..
We are merely milking
this for all it is worth.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:38
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janes. I would love to phone the number but I fear my ‘makeover’ prize
might be a cut-price ‘dermatological abrasion’ fired from the barrel of a
Sherman tank quickly followed by a stinging rub down with a thickly salted
flannel. I think I will just bask my warty hide in the faint but non-abrasive
chink of glory for a little while if that’s ok with you?
- March 8, 2009 at 00:33
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janes: ………… ‘Sorry all, was just refilling the tank. I can make no promises
about the exact nature of the prize but if Gloria phones the number she will
find out. It only costs
- March 8, 2009 at 00:33
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You are all talking a load of bull.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:33
-
I
- March 8, 2009 at 00:32
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I was Virgoan on leaving then …………….
- March 8, 2009 at 00:32
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Sorry all, was just refilling the tank. I can make no promises about the
exact nature of the prize but if Gloria phones the number she will find out.
It only costs
- March 8, 2009 at 00:30
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Gloria Smudd!!!
Dolphin and Grouper
- March 8, 2009 at 00:30
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I’m a Carpricorn.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:30
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No-one’s taking the Pisces, Coco. Don’t get all crabby, please. Libran let
live. Leove well alone. It’ll Taurus apart if we let it.
- March 8, 2009 at 00:28
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Gloria! ‘Tar very much.’
Hello Sailor!
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:28
-
Dolphin and Grouper
………………….
Did they go to the same school as
you?
- March 8, 2009 at 00:26
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I am not a Pisces!
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:26
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That sounds swell! Look! I’m waving in triumph! I may do a lap of honour!
I’m on the crest of a wave! Foaming at the mouth with delight! Woe betide
anyone who thinks this isn’t a big thing for me. Even though my energy is
ebbing as the night-hours draw in, I’m delighted for shore. Tar very much.
- March 8, 2009 at 00:26
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Janes! Get back out of the TANK!
Is your birth sign Aquarium?
- March 8, 2009 at 00:23
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Janes! ……………… Is the prize a goldfish or a gold fish on a chain?
- March 8, 2009 at 00:22
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Dolphin and Grouper
- March 8, 2009 at 00:21
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Gloria! It’s a nine honey! A damned nine …………… Until Salman gets back with
the dogs.
- March 8, 2009 at 00:20
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Janes! …………. ‘ Congratulations Gloria, you are the 100th visitor and you
have won a prize. Phone 0843 43 43 43 43 (44 if phoning from outside the
country) to find out what super prize is yours.’
Gloria! It’s a goldfish by Carpier and Guppy!
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:17
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I have become reclusive
- March 8, 2009 at 00:17
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If it gets icy tonight ………… I am off out for a skate!
- March 8, 2009 at 00:16
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Janes ……………. ‘It is, it makes me f eel like talking
gibberfish.’
*************************
That’s how I started Janes …………….
And it gets worse! You should see the meds I am now. I don’t even know who I
am anymore!
I have become reclusive ……………… I am like a monk-fish!
- March 8, 2009 at 00:13
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Congratulations Gloria, you are the 100th visitor and you have won a prize.
Phone 0843 43 43 43 43 (44 if phoning from outside the country) to find out
what super prize is yours.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:11
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Ruddy Hake! What elver else you do, get yourself orfe to the doctor as soon
as you can.
- March 8, 2009 at 00:09
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Here, Coco. Where else? Didn
- March 8, 2009 at 00:08
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It is, it makes me f eel like talking gibberfish.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:05
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Pikemares.
…………….
Even during the dace? That’s serious.
-
March 8, 2009 at 00:02
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Weely good Gloria.
…………………
But I just make a rod for my own back by
replying, don’t I? Every time I get lured back in and take the bait, meaning I
have to trawl through my increasingly limited options for a reply. I’ll end up
telling whoppers soon, just to keep up with the fast-flowing wit and
repartee.
- March 8, 2009 at 00:01
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Gloria Smudd 03.07.09 at 11:56 pm
How are you sleeping? Are you having
bad breams?
***
I think it is “Daurade” in French. Doesn’t that sound
much more tasty?
- March 7, 2009 at 23:58
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Here, Coco. Where else?
Didn”t you read my serious attempts at “play on
word”?
Though I must admit that my stock of fish words was limited.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:58
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Pikemares.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:56
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Chatelaine!!! Where has one been?
- March 7, 2009 at 23:56
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… Phis little piggy had roast beef,
Phis little piggy had none.
I’m having one tomorrow. Night again
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:56
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I keep seeing dogging fish in carparks – is this unusual?
…………
How
are you sleeping? Are you having bad breams?
- March 7, 2009 at 23:55
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janes: …………. I keep seeing dogging fish in carparks – is this
unusual?
*********************************
Janes! For goodness sake!
Where have you been hiding? ………… Waitrose?
Tesco and Sainsury’s are chock-a-block full all night
- March 7, 2009 at 23:55
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Weely good Gloria.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:54
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Why? No need
Good
night.
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:54
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Something beginning with phish.
…………………
Phish little piggy went to
market,
Phish little piggy stayed at home,
Phish little piggy ….
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:52
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In that case Chatelaine, please accept my humble apologies.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:51
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I keep seeing dogging fish in carparks – is this unusual?
- March 7, 2009 at 23:50
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Well I don’t want to carp because I am all of a flounder ………… but I fancy a
turbot charged bit of bass ……………. I am perched here trying to roll a roach
………………
Not really Media Monitors! I am just being a clown-fish!
- March 7, 2009 at 23:49
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Mandy’s bodyguards, the Danny La Rue detective agency.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:46
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Pas moi, Gloria. I would never mention anything about fishing in muddy
waters.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:45
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Saul: ……………..’Coco chuck, just watched Salman on the telly. Did you know he
was out.’
***********************************
Thanks for letting me know Saul
…………….. He’s taken Eddie and Keela for a walk in the cemetery. I am a bit
worried about him actually …………… because he’s got Mandy’s body-guards.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:43
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Something beginning with phish.
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:43
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A good evening to you Chatelaine – you’ve joined us just as something
distinctly fishy is going on. What was it you once said about a panier du
crabes?
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:41
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I spry with my little eye …
- March 7, 2009 at 23:41
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Life is but a dream
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:41
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Get a plane and a boat
……………….
Roe, Roe, Roe yer boat,
Gently down
the streeeeem,
Merrily, merrily… etc.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:41
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Saul: ………………. ‘Soon to be a major motion picture
- March 7, 2009 at 23:40
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Salmon? No kidding.
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:40
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I dread to think where the hake this will all end.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:39
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Coco chuck, just watched Salman on the telly. Did you know he was out.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:39
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I’m going to throw in a Red Herring and hope it goes with the fish here
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:38
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Sprat’s easy for you to say.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:36
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Dominic Grieve is on tv saying that there will have to be an investigation
into whether or not MI5 was involved in Guantanamo Bay!!!
Get a Press Officer quick! Get a plane and a boat and call the Risk
Management people in.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:34
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Soon to be a major motion picture………
Hollywood Haddock.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:33
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Zak! Stop it! ……………. My doctor has already upped my meds and booked me into
intensive therapy as of yesterday. I can’t have a health inspection either.
……………. For health reasons ………………..
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:28
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The Hadock was almost apprehended by Brazilian police but managed to give
them the slip. That was a close shave.
…………….
and those are the bald
facts, brought to you by Saul. He’s such a smoothie.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:27
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Janes: I
- March 7, 2009 at 23:25
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Coco: They will have me on salt and battery.
Does that mean they will fry you in the chair or get rid of you using a
lethal health inspection or worse, you could be sent to guacamole bay.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:25
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The Hadock was almost apprehended by Brazilian police but managed to give
them the slip. That was a close shave.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:23
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I’ve just realised the truth behind the Kepler launch. It’s mission is to
discover investment opportunities in other planetary systems.
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:23
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janes, if you are shuddering, for gawd’s sake relax your trigger finger!
Fags are lethal in their own right but you are in charge of a TANK, woman.
Have a pickled egg, take a few deep breaths and calm down please, for all our
sakes.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:22
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Janes ……………… ‘I find dribbling quite effective – it used to be a choice but
now it happens spontaneously.’
***********************************
Do
you dribble into a cup Janes? We could save it for later …………. You could be on
Sky telly!
- March 7, 2009 at 23:19
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”This international terrorist has been linked to similar attacks in South
America.”
********************************
Errrrr ……….. not that I know
much about these types of factions Saul ………… but errrrr ………….. do you recall
anywhere particular in South America? ………….. Not that I would know anywhere in
South America of course ………….. I haven’t even been to Rio since errrrr ………….
last August- ish.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:18
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Shudder ….
- March 7, 2009 at 23:16
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Saul: …………’This is not fair, Mickey Thomas tried to help out with some
quantitive easing and he got sent to
nick!’
*******************************************
It’s like the guy
that Our Vera was defending the other day ………….. Lordy Ahmedear ………….. One
rule for ‘them’ and one for ‘us’.
And rules are rules Saul! And we are about to have another load plonked on
us ……….. with no time to debate it all. Matters of security I believe.
We will be so secure in a bit that we won’t be able to breathe without
asking permission.
We will be like non-smokers in a smoking zone!
- March 7, 2009 at 23:15
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It is going down as The Day of the Haddock!
The Haddock is wanted by Interpol for previous attacks linked with the
Mushy Peas Alliance of the North. This international terrorist has been linked
to similar attacks in South America.
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:14
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What sauce! As if I’d try to curry favour!
- March 7, 2009 at 23:13
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Gloria, don’t get mushy please.
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:12
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Unless they can plaice you at the scene of the crime you’re unlikely to
fry; it’s an open or wrapped case, either way. I know my pickled onions and
you mustn’t worry or you’ll give yourself a haddock.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:12
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I find dribbling quite effective – it used to be a choice but now it
happens spontaneously.
- March 7, 2009 at 23:08
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Gloria’s right Janes! ……….. Gently poke your tongue to the side of the fag
to moisten ……….. and then try to sort of slide your tongue under the fag to
stop you pulling the skin off. Hold the fag firmly.
I hope Mandy isn’t reading this …………..
- March 7, 2009 at 23:05
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Saul!!! ”………… the fish and chip shop alliance of the North have been linked
to the attack.”
***********************
I don’t believe it! This is what I was talking to Zak about the other day.
I will be dragged out of my bed in the early hours by the police again now –
and not allowed a phone call …….. for weeks!
Did you know that I am the General Commander of the Fish and Chip Shop
Alliance? They will have me on salt and battery charges if they can’t fit me
up with anything else!
-
March 7, 2009 at 23:03
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My lips keep going dry
- March 7, 2009 at 22:59
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My lips keep going dry …
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:56
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All together now! (the Racoonteurs strike up a spirited kazoo rendition of
Colonel Bogey!)
- March 7, 2009 at 22:55
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Gloria ……………… ‘I note you also say
- March 7, 2009 at 22:55
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After Mandy’s reference to mushy peas and guacamole, the fish and chip shop
alliance of the North have been linked to the attack.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:54
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Just wondering why the woman was allowed to walk away straight after saying
it was green custard.
………………….
It was just a liquid asset.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:53
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I’ve just thought of something else to do with the black marker pens – draw
lovely thick caterpillar eyebrows on whoever is featured on the notes in
tribute to our Darling Chancellor and his fiscal fancywork.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:50
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Cup of green custard anybody?
Just wondering why the woman was allowed to walk away straight after saying
it was green custard. It may have had something really dangerous in it ………….
that makes him ill later on next week.
Remember the Litvenenko business?
- March 7, 2009 at 22:49
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Most Scots wallets are walled up!
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:47
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walled – should be wallet, of course. Daft digits.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:47
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I’d rather have a proper Bank of England note that was worth something and
I’d definitely think twice before digging my digits deep into my walled where
there was the faintest danger they might encounter a goosepimpled stubbly
undercarriage. I note you also say ‘cheery’ – don’t you mean dour?
- March 7, 2009 at 22:44
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Darling Saul ……………. I am off anything with pink in it as of last night!
Spookily, I have only recently bought some new pinking shears off ebauy
with a life-time guarantee off a Sheffield manufacturer. Do you think the
factory will still be around in even a few weeks?
- March 7, 2009 at 22:41
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Glo! ……………. ‘I still favour adding the funereal black border in black
marker.’
Would you not prefer rummaging around in your wallet for a cheery, crafty,
furry sporran?
- March 7, 2009 at 22:40
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Coco chuck, use pinking shears, it is much more humane.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:39
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This is not fair, Mickey Thomas tried to help out with some quantitive
easing and he got sent to nick!
- March 7, 2009 at 22:37
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Zak …………….. I am doing mine right now! What a super idea. I shall go back
to the ATM at midnight and get some more. I am using my errr …………. special
razor blades. The notes won’t feel a thing.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:32
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I still favour adding the funereal black border in black marker.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:31
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An excellent idea Zak. Anything to make sure we give them their worthless
new-print money back and don’t let them think we’ve fallen for this risible
ruse.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:30
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Although I would feel bad for the trees, or could we print the notes on out
of work bankers and then cut them in half.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:29
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I suggest we all go out and empty our bank accounts asking specifically for
the new notes then cut them all in half and redeposit them. As long as the two
serial numbers match the bank has to accept them, then the notes, now damaged,
cannot go back into circulation.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:29
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Naughty Coco! I haven’t the faintest idea what you mean!
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:27
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MOUSEBENDER:
Good Morning.
WENSLEYDALE:
Good morning, sir. Welcome
to the National Cheese Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER:
Ah, thank you my good
man.
WENSLEYDALE:
What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
Well, I
was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming
through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all
peckish.
WENSLEYDALE:
Peckish,
sir?
MOUSEBENDER:
Esurient.
WENSLEYDALE:
Eh?
MOUSEBENDER:
(In
a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like.
WENSLEYDALE:
Ah,
hungry.
MOUSEBENDER:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, ‘a little
fermented curd will do the trick’. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites,
sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the
vending of some cheesy comestibles.
WENSLEYDALE:
Come
again?
MOUSEBENDER:
I want to buy some cheese.
………………..
And so on.
Good Old Monty Python.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:26
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Gloria says: ……… ”And I
- March 7, 2009 at 22:26
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I think she is at the But and Ben.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:25
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Perhaps she would feature well on some Bakewell dough.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:23
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Saul: …………..
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:20
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And I’m very tempted to fashion a post containing a reference to Cottage
cheese .. but I won’t.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:17
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NuLabour – The Third Whey.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:16
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janes: Jersey Royal – what a lovely name for a new pound note.
***********************************************************
Or a Loch
Liechtenstein?
- March 7, 2009 at 22:15
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“The Broons” could feature on the new notes.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:13
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Only if he emigrates, now there’s a thought.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:12
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Or the Gordonzola?
- March 7, 2009 at 22:11
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Jersey Royal – what a lovely name for a new pound note.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:08
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Cheddar Gorging. For the Fat Cats.
- March 7, 2009 at 22:04
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Or Colchester Oyster Cards.
-
March 7, 2009 at 22:02
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For the privileged and banking classes, how about Stilton Stirling? Oozing
the distinct whiff of ‘old money’ with a discernible blue running through the
veins.
- March 7, 2009 at 21:55
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Staffordshire Cheesy notes would be very aromatic.
-
March 7, 2009 at 21:54
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Well I shall certainly resist accepting Scottish notes and if I do have to
give them purse-room, I plan to protest by blackening one edge of each and
every one of them with a nice stripe of permanent marker pen. Even if they are
tartan and do wail like bagpipes. So there.
- March 7, 2009 at 21:37
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fidothedog ………… ‘I actually think the designs on a lot of them are better
than our English notes.’
I agree …………. much much prettier! No wonder the Scots don’t like parting
with them!
- March 7, 2009 at 21:20
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Yorkshire’s
Cumberland’s
Would also be very tasty
- March 7, 2009 at 21:15
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Why not Cornish notes? At least Cornwall is still, albeit reluctantly, part
of England. Cornish notes would be really tasty.
- March
7, 2009 at 20:39
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Re Scottish notes, I have never had a problem accepting them. I actually
think the designs on a lot of them are better than our English notes.
Thanks to Gordon there will be billions more of them!
-
March 7, 2009 at 21:04
- March 7, 2009 at 19:53
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‘Ere! …………. Gloria and Saul! ………….. Note the new pic that Anna Raccoon has
put on for me! She sneakily took my photograph last night whilst I was
figuring out a new way to do a bank-heist on my lap-top.
The Sumitomo Mitsui Bank isn’t the only sushi in the saki! ……… And it was
only 229 million pounds anyway. The trouble is …………… I can’t find any banks
that actually have any money left in them nowadays.
Except for that place in Liechtenstein ……………….
Good job the fraud squad are looking for a Mister Big! I am actually a
Miss!
- March 7, 2009 at 18:59
-
- March 7, 2009 at 18:51
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Because it is difficult to identify bank- notes these days ……….. I think
Scottish notes should be sporran-shaped and made of faux fur!
And they should groan like bag-pipes when you open your wallet!
- March 7, 2009 at 18:48
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Gloria! Hurry up and give this some welly!
- March 7, 2009 at 18:47
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Why Ma? ……………. Why? Anyway ………….. I nipped to the garden centre and bought
one of those wheel-barrows with a ball instead of wheels.
I would like to fill it up with balls as well! ………….. Bankers balls!
{ 126 comments }