2 Cows – The Anna Raccoon Archives

by SadButMadLad on June 19, 2011

Socialism: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.
Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiples and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
Enron Venture Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
Accenture Model Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You shred them.
French Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cows and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.
German Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
Russian Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 2 cows. You open another bottle of vodka.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
Chinese Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have a full employment and and high bovine productivity. You arrest the journalist who reports otherwise.
Indian Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You worship them.
British Capitalism: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
Iraqi Capitalism: Everyone thinks you have many cows. You tell them you have none but they don’t believe you and bomb the shit out of your farm. You still have no cows, but at least you are part of a democracy.
New Zealand Capitalism: You have 2 cows. The one on the left is looking pretty sexy…
Australian Capitalism: You have 2 cows. Business seems good. You close the office and go for a few celebratory beers.
New Labourism: You have 2 cows. One becomes the leader, the other rich.
ConDemism: You have 2 cows. One becomes the leader, the other turns into a poodle.

{ 18 comments }

Daedalus X. Parrot June 20, 2011 at 09:06

European Union Capitalism
(also called Mutual Fiscal Destruction)

Each country in the EU agrees to donate their cows to a new joint Euro Herd
in a specially ring fenced Euro Field.

Countries like Germany nurture their part of the Euro Herd very well and it
prospers and yields high levels of good quality milk. One or two countries,
like Britain, decide not to join the Euro Herd and keep their own cows in
their own field.

Other countries though, such as Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain (the
PIGS) only occasionally look in on their part of the Euro Herd and generally
neglect them. One day a PIG discovers the dead carcasses of their cows as a
horrid flattened mess. They ask for emergency cow loans and, reluctantly, the
other Euro Herd members agree on condition that the PIGS take better care of
their cows.

For some inexplicable reason Britain, which has to borrow money every year
to support its own cows, borrows even more money to buy cows to lend to the
PIGS.

A few days later one of the PIGS, who had nothing else better to do,
happens to look in on his herd and discovers to his astonishment that his part
of the Euro Field is a bloody, mangled mess of squashed cows. The PIGS again
demand help from the Euro Herd members. Again they receive help on condition
that they improve their cow husbandry.

To the astonishment of impartial observers, Britain, which has absolutely
no obligation to do so, borrows even more money to increase its already
eye-watering, record breaking debt just so it can buy more cows to lend to the
PIGS.

What these Euro Herd owners and Britain refuse to acknowledge however is
that every evening one of the PIGS leads a huge elephant into the Euro Field.
This elephant usually lives in their front room during the day. Over night, as
the elephant tramps around the PIGS part of the field, it accidentally
flattens all of their cows.

The big elephant in the PIGS’s room has a name and it is tattooed on its
side in huge two foot high red letters, it is called Irresponsible National
Debt.

SadButMadLad June 20, 2011 at 11:01

Classic!

Richard Jones June 20, 2011 at 12:40

Love this!

KWCook June 19, 2011 at 22:34

They had a new form of accounting too. Triple entry bookkeeping…debit,
credit and shred it

KWCook June 19, 2011 at 22:33

For Accenture, you can also read Arthur Andersen

SadButMadLad June 19, 2011 at 23:21

It did originally say Andersen, but they’ve changed their name to
Accenture. Possibly to avoid problems of shredding memories. Just like power
plants have had their names changed to avoid the stigma of accidents.

Jan June 20, 2011 at 03:51: Accenture (previously Anderson Consulting) dissolved its links with
Arthur Anderson in the late 90s and changed its name soon thereafter and
before, if I recall correctly, the Enron implosion. Accenture was not
caught up in any significant way in the Enron scandal.

Single Acts of Tyranny June 19, 2011 at 20:52

Two cows in a field,
first one says “Christ I’m really worried about
this mad cow disease” second one says “doesn’t bother me mate”
first one
says “Why ever not?”
second one says “Because I’m a helicopter”

Daz Pearce June 19, 2011 at 19:52

Two cows in a field – one says “Moo”

The other snaps “you bastard, I was gonna say that”

I’ll get my coat – but some of this post was pure genius – kudos

http://outspokenrabbit.blogspot.com/

Livewire June 19, 2011 at 15:48

“Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiples and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.”
Irish variant: The bull claims it was down to immaculate
conception.

Greek Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You feed them on olive oil, point their
back-ends at N.Europe and run before the laxative effect starts.

ivan June 19, 2011 at 13:47

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking
or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to
have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the US
constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government.
The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best
candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it
would be “throwing their vote
away.”