Miss Piggy does Porridge.
You know where you are when Miss Piggy minces onto your plate encased in her own duodenum; but when the Blonde Mangalitsa arrives in a burger that you have been assured by the ‘highly respected’ BBC is 29% ‘My Lidl Pony’ your average Jihadist recoils in horror. There are some tenets of the Koran that simply can’t be broken; not when a government agency can be sued for damages.
The Islamic suicide bombers on ‘D’ wing are in uproar this morning; not only locked away from the 72 virgins they had been grooming, but fed ‘traces of pork DNA’ in their burger and chips by the infidel prison authorities.
When Shergar turned up in our burgers, Tesco’s was still flogging (a dead horse) a week or so later; the prison authorities have reacted with more alacrity. No sooner had the dawn broken over Wandsworth prison, than the Ministry of Justice’s contract with the firm supplying them with Halal meat was suspended.
Juliet Lyon, director of the Prison Reform Trust, said: “This lapse will have offended and distressed high numbers of Muslim prisoners and their families so apologising, suspending the supplier and investigating the incident are the right steps for the Ministry of Justice to take.”
I am puzzled as to how this ‘lapse’ was discovered, for the BBC web site says:
[…]the results of the tests, undertaken by an independent agency, became known on Thursday.
A spokesman said: “All prisons have been informed about this very regrettable incident and we reported this issue to the Food Standards Agency immediately.
Surely it is the Food Standards Agency which is the expert body to conduct these sort of tests? Anybody know who was the ‘independent agency’, and who was paying them to uncover this ‘scandal’?
I find it hard to believe that the Muppets at the cash strapped Ministry of Justice decided ‘out of the blue’ to check that those in its care (who had already broken a multitude of Koranic laws) were being fed in accordance with those beliefs?
I smell Porkies.
February 4, 2013 at 09:58
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It might be that just a minute trace of piggie DNA might find its way into
the soup or even the main course. Can you dipstick soup for DNA yet I
wonder.
- February 3, 2013 at 15:36
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We hear today that David Cameron is hosting a dinner at Chequers for the
presidents of both Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Wonder if ’3663′ are supplying the pies…….
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February 3, 2013 at 15:25
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Just wondering – how much halal meat finds its way into the mouths of
unwitting infidels
- February 2, 2013 at 19:13
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I agree with Thor2Hammer and we can guess how very few (if any) would avail
themselves of the offer!
- February 2, 2013 at 18:37
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When any person appears in before a Court, they should be ‘invited’ to
state whether they wish to be tried under ‘Islamic Law’ and (if it is
determined the have offended against the precepts of ‘Sharia’). be subject to
the appropriate penalties, administered in an appropriate ‘Islamic’
Country.
- February 2, 2013 at 16:43
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How did the prisoners ‘know’ there was ‘Pork DNA’ in their food? Does it go
through some kind of sophisticated lab down in the prison kitchens?
What’s the betting the ‘independent agency’ is some kind of advocacy group
without a chemistry set to their name? Odds please.
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February 2, 2013 at 14:42
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There’s a smell about this story, and it isn’t bacon, Anna is right about
the source and Martin has a point re the drip feed of these types of
events.
Whats interesting is the one sided approach of Govt and media to
these stories, we all like it or lump it consume halal meat, there would I
assume be a large number of the population who object to eating meat
slaughtered in this fashion, not only do they not get a say in what is on sale
to them but it is not even labelled as such, if you go to a halal or kosher
butcher you do it for a reason and you know what your buying, fine but to put
it into the food chain unmarked and with no consultation with the still
indigineous population is not only pandering to the minority for no good
reason I can see but quite frankly taking the p—.
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February 2, 2013 at 14:49
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One noble MP (Philip Davies, Shipley) made a noisy stand in the Commons a
few months ago in an attempt to get all Halal meat prominently labelled, but
was roundly ignored by TPTB. Surprised ? At least one out of the 650 has the
balls to raise the taboo topic.
- February 2, 2013 at 14:03
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We’re slowly being drip-fed a series of stories and articles to make us
feel sorry for the poor muzzies. This week we’ve had the family ‘forced out’
of their home by ‘racists’, the bbc programme about the women who are becoming
muslims, the ‘wear a hijab for a day’ day and now this. I don’t believe the
latest one because if there had been pork in their food they would have loved
it and would have shaved their beards off so that they didn’t get congealed
with bacon fat.
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February 2, 2013 at 14:46
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Maybe we’re being softened up for the string of looming Muzzie trials for
grooming vulnerable girls cross the land ? Nothing like a bit of advance
media management.
- February
2, 2013 at 13:56
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If I may be permitted a little recycling, this is from my own reaction to
the original horseburger story on Jan 16th:
The horse-meat contamination is bad enough – not that I have a problem
with people eating horses per se; I just think it’s vitally important that
consumers can trust the information on food labels to be entirely accurate –
but it’s the pig DNA […] that is likely to have the more serious
consequences.
[ …] it’s worth remembering that one of the catalysts for the Indian
Rebellion of 1857 is said to be a rumour that the new rifle cartridges (which
the sepoys had to tear open with their teeth) were greased with pork and beef
fat, and that this had been done with the tacit approval of a cynical
government wanting to break down religious and tribal loyalties.
In the hands of would-be rabble-rousers, news like this could be a
worryingly powerful tool.
- February 2, 2013 at 13:27
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“You asked me once, what was in Room 101. I told you that you knew the
answer already. Everyone knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is the worst
thing in the world.”
In dealing with the Religion of Peace, the utter
ruthlessness of which is/should be apparent, we should perhaps apply the
methods of the Ministry of Love.
I’ve never understood why pig-shit has never been used as a weapon against
these mediaeval monsters. It’s non lethal & we have an abundance of
it…what could possibly be bad about that?
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February 2, 2013 at 13:15
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Who says anyone has to eat ‘beefburgers’ anyway?. Even if you get your own
mince, and do it yourself , the mince could still ‘not be all beef’. If you
buy the real meat you have a better chance of deciding it is what it says on
the label. As stated above, someone is mischief making somewhere. Prisoners
jump on the bandwagon and perhaps or may claim compensation. They hold up the
fingers to the rest of us who try to behave ourselves. I would guess DNA
testing is so sensitive now that only a tiny bit of sneaky contamination is
detectable. How would they ever stop such activity?????
- February 2, 2013 at 12:28
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Right. Stick ‘em all on a complulsory vegan diet. That’ll eliminate any
meat contamination problem, so they can’t possibly have any complaint.
- February 2, 2013 at 12:29
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Or even a ‘compulsory’ vegan diet. Damned keys keep moving on this
keyboard…
- February 2, 2013 at 15:58
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It’ll also reduce the cost of their food, especially if they are set to
work growing the vegetables where possible. Come to think of it, the justice
system must have a load of confiscated hydroponics equipment it can’t sell
on – why not put it to good use inside urban prisons to grow tomatoes,
aubergines and the like?
Roll on the Hanging Gardens of Wormwood Scrubs!
- February 2, 2013 at 12:26
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If the frozen beefburgers are ‘contaminated’ with horse meat, would it be
correct to assume that the frozen minced beef – from the same suppliers – is
also ‘contaminated’? We should be told.
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February 2, 2013 at 11:31
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Idea! Please the radical vegetarians by making all prisons veg-only. The
choice about what you eat is what free people get. People in prison get what
they are given, and providing that is nourishing and adequate, that’s OK by
me. Innocent people temporarily in prison can apply for compo on the basis of
their innocence rather than the lack of menu choices.
I know what you are thinking: flatulence. Idea! Power a windmill off it.
I’ve not got all the technical details but I’m sure Chris Huhne can advise. In
a perfect world he’d do this from a position of full turbine engagement but
hey, you gotta be realistic. Also, there’s a danger of him powering his own
escape like in a particularly duff James Bond movie. Hope everyone has got the
popcorn in for Monday.
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February 2, 2013 at 12:10
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Only flaw is that, of course, you don’t even need a windmill to consume
the flatulence, unless it’s a very strong output vent. Simply capture the
methane, bottle it, then use that to fuel the boilers. A funnel arrangement
in the ceiling of each cell could achieve the initial capture, collecting
all the gaseous output in a large vessel in the roof, where it is compressed
and bottled (after eliminating all the cannabis and heroin smoke of course,
of which there is plenty inside).
The idea of Crim Huhne leading this
project from inside has made my weekend.
- February 2, 2013 at 12:18
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Is “full turbine engagement” related to the Missionary Position, at all?
Is this what Huhne practised with his mistress, or perhaps while driving
with his (then) wife and thereby infringing several parts of the Highway
Code simultaneously? Do you have the videos of this, and are they on
YouTube?
As for the practice of pandering excessively to the dietary
whims of any part of the prison population, it’s contemptible: I bet they
eat better than we did at my boarding school, where it was de rigeur to
smuggle the more revolting bits out in plastic bags and I would have felt
very relieved to learn that the meat came from horses and not from some less
eligible creature.
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February 2, 2013 at 18:05
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If Huhne stood up, he would probably fall over – just like the
turbines.
- February 2, 2013 at 10:53
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As someone who has, on occasion, ordererd a product withdrawal, I am afraid
I need to disabuse you of one thing. Tesco would have ordered a national
withdrawal as soon as they got the information. Product listings would have
been checked, batches and supplier numbers (for those products produced by
more than one supplier) listed out and the whole thing sent out to stores with
instructions on storage and notification as fast as someone could type. The
only hitch is that the physical withdrawal of products from shelves is
effected by human beings and so errors are inevitable. Hence the reporter
being able to buy the product. It’s a fun story for a reporter to run but
completely meaningless.
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February 2, 2013 at 11:11
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Perhaps the reporter demanded that he be sold the product as he was
partial to horse meat. OT, but once had it fed to me myself actually, and
told about it only after I’d agreed it was a lovely dinner. One of our
horses had dropped dead and been carted off by the knackers earlier in the
day. Apparently the opportunity was taken to purchase a bit of meat. Even in
these emotive circumstances I can’t say I was bothered. Just terribly
surprised how tasty it was.
- February 2, 2013 at
11:21
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February 2, 2013 at 18:04
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Horse meat is eaten just about world wide. And very good it is, too.
Much tastier than e.g. badger, hedgehog, and generally has had a long
productive cared for life. I would be happy to be eaten at the end after
such a life.
- February 2, 2013 at 20:57
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We still wait outside the gates to the Race Meetings; drooling at the
prospect of a fence fall, Anna. Alan’s kind offer is welcome at a time
when more folk should recognise the serious protein deficiency in our
poor Northern diet.
I have taken the liberty of forwarding to you
both, disclaimers and questionnaires re skin and tropical disease
infections.
- February 2, 2013 at 11:35
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The other problem for a supermarket is when a customer picks up an item,
wanders round the store, then sees a similar item on a different shelf. They
tend to just pick up the new item & leave the old one in its (now wrong)
place.
That’s how it can get ‘missed’ from a product recall.
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February 2, 2013 at 10:44
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Wonderful.
Technology permits infinite pernickityness (?).
There will be a minimum level of contaminant defined somewhere.
If it is less than that, no legal problem.
Remember: if you are totally opposed to drugs, you can never risk touching
a single banknote.
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February 2, 2013 at 11:01
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0.01 pork according to channel 4. And Mudplugger’s view seems spot on in
that, this was the prison service managing risk: After the Tesco business
there was a clear risk of claims from muslims and others, and the best
defence against such claims is to show positive action has been taken to
prevent ‘the harm’ claimed.
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February 2, 2013 at 10:37
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I think the extreme ‘not really muslims’ have an agenda to ‘tweak our
tails’. They want us to fester over claims for benefits and compensation. They
want us to fret over the authorities taking a huge amount of time and expense
to get rid of plotting mullahs. They want to annoy pavement walkers if their
skirt is a millimetre too short or the wrong colour lipstick or not waering
‘nun’s shoes’. They want our police to have to patrol to stop them accosting
passersby. Fussy officials and the meeja combine to bring them the publicity
they crave.
- February 2, 2013 at 09:57
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Maybe, just maybe, the prison authorities are trying to get ahead of the
game.
They know there’s a huge number of suppressed investigations into the
grooming of vulnerable girls in predictable areas, cases which are only now
being revealed, largely through internet scrutiny.
Once in the public
domain, there will be no excuse for not prosecuting, thus large additional
numbers of Muslim inmates can be expected to arrive in the near future. Hence,
the prison authorites may have been merely ‘getting their ducks in a row’ (or
non-pigs in this case) by ensuring that they are ready in a culinary sense to
accept these mass, previously untouchable, criminals into their wings.
Or
am I being too kind again ?
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February 2, 2013 at 18:02
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Don’t give them meat at all. Why should they not be given a vegetarian
diet – plenty of rice and vegs. Reduces the libido too, I hear: so they can
worry less about covering up their women to avoid temptation.
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February 2, 2013 at 09:44
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Quite right. The compensation band waggon will now start to rumble
inexorably on…
Meanwhile, I really like Jamie Oliver’s recipe for
“porchetta”, Italiam style roast pork with stuffing. The best hot pork roll I
ever had was in Umbria, Italy, from a little van.
Just sayin’!
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February 2, 2013 at 17:58
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Agreed. Porchetta in large bread foldings nourished our children in
adolescence (and us!) during our stays in our Umbrian casa colonica in the
70s and 80s.
- February 2, 2013 at 09:30
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Stir-fry meals…..
- February 2, 2013 at 10:07
- February 2, 2013 at 09:17
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The moral of this story is that law-abiding Muslims haven’t been
affected.
- February
2, 2013 at 11:04
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And let’s not forget that’s the vast majority of them…
- February 2, 2013 at 08:34
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It sounds like they’ve got a Caliphate running in the prisons…
…With royal food tasters and all, can’t have that poison sullying our
pristine flesh, can we?
- February 2, 2013 at 08:14
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An informative and fun breakfast in fact. Thanks Anna.
- February 2,
2013 at 08:12
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It says ‘pork DNA’. Why assume that DNA comes from meat..?
*evil chuckle*
- February 2, 2013 at 09:45
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Gosh. Tell me they are sending you to smooth things over, Julia.
“You know where you are when Miss Piggy minces onto your plate encased in
her own duodenum..” Applause.
{ 42 comments }