The Rise of the Catwalk Copper.
The House of Winsor wishes to announce its new range of police officers, tailored to meet the needs of a changing demographic, and the demands of ‘community leaders’ up and down the country.
Apparently Winsor trawled the waiting room of a voluntary programme for overweight officers, and concluded that 75% of them were indeed overweight, this resulted in headlines along the line of the ‘thin blue waistline is thickening’ or ‘Blobby Bobbies‘ – just the thing to endear yourself to a group of men and women who have been waiting years for a review of their pay and conditions. Still, if you can’t find overweight policemen in the waiting room of a centre for, er, overweight policemen, where can you?
In future, such vote chasing luminaries as Vera Baird and John Prescott, if successful in their goal of being appointed as Police and Crime Commissioners, will be able to set the priorities for the police force within their force area.
If the latest leaks from the House of Winsor are anything to go by, we can expect to see some weird sights twirling their way along the catwalk as they compete to see if they are acceptable to the local population. Snake hipped policemen is only one of Winsor’s first offerings. They should go down a treat in Manchester’s Canal Street district. Will they be required to grow a ‘village people’ moustache as well, both male and female officers?
Shall we have the anti-terrorist squad clad in ‘does my bomb look big in this’ burqas in Bradford? Multi-coloured tea-cosies and a ghetto blaster on one shoulder in Brixton? ‘Stab here’ tattooed behind one ear in Essex? Butt-naked and painted with blue woad for Glastonbury? The mind boggles at the ‘priorities’ that the vote-chaser might chose to impose on their local Bobby’s appearance to make them acceptable to the local community – coppers painted with ‘invisible paint’ wherever they have housed Magdi Elgizouli, I imagine.
Winsor is bang up to the minute in his demands that the modern copper is not just a pretty face though. Even Ms World’s intellectual rigour is questioned these days. And so, as the boys and girls twirl at the end of the catwalk, they will be asked about their educational ability – were they one of the 50% of teenagers who managed to get strong armed through a media studies course by a lecturer in fear of losing his posting? They were? Great, they can go right to the top of the class. An Inspectorship for you, you know how to write a screen script for a short story….
All these hoops the ambitious young copper will have to jump through, just to have a job that Winsor reckons should start at £4,ooo a year less than you can get as a trainee manager at MacDonald’s. Then you have to worry about hanging onto it. For the idea that you should be rewarded for years of loyal service and priceless experience of the local villains has been denounced as an outmoded model of ‘the 1920′s’ by the policeman’s pin-up, Theresa May – now their performance is to be measured every year.
Inspectors who want to hang onto their experienced team will have to round up the slackers – saucers of milk at the monthly performance meetings for the ‘pussies’ who didn’t manage to hand out 2,000 on the spot fines last month…what else are they to measure performance against? Hours spent lying awake at night trying to outwit a master fraudster? Listening patiently to the drunken dribble of a Cardiff slut upset because someone on Facebook pointed out that there was a choice of 17 candidates for father of her latest offspring, but living in hope that she might drop a hint as to where Father number 6 kept his gun stash? How are you going to measure that?
Since you can’t possibly measure the effectiveness of the average copper’s day, why would any of them bother? Why not just hand out traffic violation notices all day and forget about the fraudster? Isn’t that what we’ve been complaining is happening for years?
Personally I want my policeman brick shit house sized, with a penetrating gaze and years of experience at what the local villains are up to, and preferably quite prepared to give Joe Bloggs a kick where it hurts to persuade him to reveal where he has hidden the jewellery he stole from me. I don’t want a snake hipped ex-media studies student who signed on because it paid below the level at which he had to pay back his student grant and who’s a dab hand at writing amusing lyrics on diversity…
Nor do I want someone prepared to dance to the tune of the local community leader and elected Police and Crime Commissioner. I want someone who will mete out justice without fear or favour.
What Winsor is proposing is a uniformed social worker who dances a pretty jig – at rock bottom prices. I want my money back under the Trade Descriptions Act. Who do I call?
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March 19, 2012 at 15:37 -
What’s all this about chasing criminals.
You could be Linford Christie but chasing a 18yr old wearing the latest trainers while wearing a uniform, stab vest, handcuffs, baton and boots is only going to end in one way.As ever the political elite live in a different world
42 days is all this Windsor bloke spent working on the report and the Prof he got to compile his statistics was called Disney……all appears a little Mickey Mouse to me
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March 18, 2012 at 22:09 -
Start at the top.
Let’s set these fitness standards for the new Police and Crime Commissioners, sorry John!
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March 18, 2012 at 20:41 -
@ CALTHSMD: Why don’t you go and play ‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’ on a busy motorway somehwere… Anna. Methinks that this vile troll is that sad individual normally using the intials ‘C’ and ‘R’, whose presence here was considered to be beyond redemption. If it isn’t him (or her) then it is another sad individual who really should not be allowed anything more sophisticated than crayons.
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March 19, 2012 at 06:57
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March 18, 2012 at 13:09 -
Excellent post Anna. Sarcastically written but what we are all thinking in my station.
You can prove anything with statistics which is why they chose that group of officers to use.Also the health checks were also open to civilian staff as well who aren’t as fit as us as they don’t pass a test to enter the job.
PS 100% of people called Melvin from Huddersfield are idiots.I used a very small sample to prove that point. -
March 18, 2012 at 11:57 -
I watch the cops at work on a regular basis. I can’t remember the last time I saw a cop who looked as though they were unfit or past their best. Quite the opposite. It seems that most cops seem to be young – or am I just getting old?
The Winsor report seems to be nothing more than a get out clause to be used when the police numbers are slashed even further, and the ‘cheaper’ alternative of private security firms start to fill the places once filled by ‘proper’ coppers. -
March 18, 2012 at 10:54 -
My second solution would be free up resources wasted on Drug prohibition & prostitution.
Prioritise police to focus on Violent crimes, perverts, corporate fraudsters, terrorists.
Is getting a blow job for money, smoking a joint, growing a plant or snorting cocaine in a nigh club really the most detrimental activities a society faces.
Yes. They are self destructive but priorities?
Ps 10 x more brothels in Westminster than any other area of London. Cash expenses & no receipt?
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March 18, 2012 at 19:24 -
Good point so much police time is wasted chasing low level drugs and low level prostitution
Some low level drugs should be decrimanalised– then VAT could be charged on thier supply and otherwise suppliers could be brought into the tax systems.
Same applies for prostitution— yes a few girls dont want to be in the scene— but many do and would just like an opourtunity to work and pay taxes without harressement. Our local force spent thousands prosecuting a couple of middle aged girls who worked togther for protection, no pimps involved, they were registered for Self Employed tax— yet they received a full crown court hearing and minimal sentences. They were doing very little harm and received the full weight of the law.
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March 18, 2012 at 10:42 -
Two points.
Policy makers, councillors, politicians, heads of departments & police management are 99% from Middle class metropolitan diversity positive politically correct backgrounds and lefty infested universities.
As part of career path should be housed in sink estates, use public transport & put their kids to state schools for at least 1 year.
This education in reality would focus them on the simple solutions & improvement
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March 18, 2012 at 07:55 -
“It’s when that spreads to ‘normal people’ that you need to worry.”
“Who cares if sections of the public hate us! “ speaks volumes for the non-existent popularity of this service and its lack of prudent anticipation, Julia.
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March 18, 2012 at 08:10 -
And how would prudent anticipation stop attitudes that have been handed down in families for decades?
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March 18, 2012 at 08:21 -
It can’t, and it shouldn’t even try.
But MTG is quite right that a lot of the ‘who cares if the public hate us!’ comment at Gadget’s blog in particular is aimed at everyone. Not just those who deserve it.
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March 18, 2012 at 11:36 -
“Oderint Dum Meutant” – but one out of two might work?
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March 18, 2012 at 00:56 -
The fitness tests are a red herring. The real issue is the wholesale change of remuneration. Starting salaries for new PC which are lower than they were in 1994. The threat of redundancy whenever it suits. Officers on restricted duties seeing their pay cut and then being thrown out after a couple of years. I thought the Disability Discrimination Act was designed to protect those from such blatant discrimination but Winsor doesn’t seem too concerned about it.
I retire from this farce in 10 days and I can’t wait. The job I used to love has been ruined by the champions of diversity, the politically correct arseholes who seem more worried about people not liking us and working hard to make us more pink and fluffy. Concentrate on the basics – nick villains, protect the public from the villains and do the job we should be doing. Who cares if sections of the public hate us! Policing isn’t a popularity contest, it is about enforcing the law without fear or favour and whatever we do, we will not make everyone happy. So let’s just get on with it and do what we should be doing. And get rid of all the corporate arselickers who are only in it for themselves. So that will be 99.9% of the Association of Conniving Political Opportunists heading for the door with their P45′s then.
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March 18, 2012 at 05:44 -
“Who cares if sections of the public hate us! “
If those sections are ‘criminals’ and ‘defence barristers’, then it doesn’t matter in the slightest.
It’s when that spreads to ‘normal people’ that you need to worry.
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March 17, 2012 at 20:28 -
What happened to the local village PC that lived in the police house in the village, knew everyone. knew where the kids hung out and administered a clip round the ear to those kids that misbehaved?
Putting the police in a central ‘office’ and replacing the foot patrol with cars was the beginning of what we have today – a force that doesn’t know anyone or most of the local hangouts.
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March 17, 2012 at 20:44 -
The same thing that happened to the village Doctor, who used to be available 24/7 – 365 when it really mattered, but who has now been replaced by a money-grabbing, part-timing, self-important Group Practice, most of whom you never see more than once, approached through a premium phone-line and/or a premium dragon at the desk and whose only role is to dish out cheapest potions and sick notes, referring everything else to ‘specialists’, which conveniently hands on the problem customers and gets him off the hook, so he can get back to his golf each afternoon or to track his investment portfolio if it’s raining.
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March 17, 2012 at 20:59 -
“What happened to the local village PC that lived in the police house in the village…”
Didn’t constable Nick Rowan emigrate to Canada & become a Mountie?
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March 17, 2012 at 22:08
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March 17, 2012 at 19:03 -
Great post Anna. I wish the mainstream press were as perceptive.
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March 17, 2012 at 19:53 -
First! Sh1t…wrong blog.
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March 17, 2012 at 21:08 -
On this blog we try to be last, as in last word.
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March 17, 2012 at 18:31 -
Forgot to say ‘thanks’ to SBML for cross-posting to Gadget.
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March 17, 2012 at 18:27 -
Anna – Good post! (Thanks)
What more can I say but “You ARE Insp Gadget, and I claim my 5gbp, a “Ruralshire” sweatshirt (XXL) and a double issue of Donunts (hold the Diversity)PS – I’m also currently ‘locked out’ by the version of WPr*ss that doesn’t appear competent to protect its own CEO from cyber attack.
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March 18, 2012 at 05:42 -
Mjolinir, try the workaround link in AE’s post – it sorted me out.
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March 18, 2012 at 11:29 -
Thanks, Julia – but I found it ‘easier’ to open a new account just for Silly W***P**** and their silly-semi-security-system , and add my Gravatar- so the hammer has a different ‘handle’ there.
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March 17, 2012 at 17:17 -
The ‘fitness’ test is, according to the Winsor Report the 15m shuttle run, up to Level 5.4 – or about 3 1/2 minutes of running backwards and forwards over a short distance; followed by a fairly straightforward strength test. I don’t think it is beyond the capabilities of most people below the age of 60 who owntheir own pulse… Having said all that there are quite a number of officers on ‘Restricted Duties’ who may have a problem. I think that the hidden agenda of Winsor is to weed out these officers and save their salary. I also note that Winsor wants Chief Officers to be able to make police officers redundant, other than on efficiency criteria when they have served 30 years, under Regulation A19 but not, I notice, to balance things up by making the employees, and therefore eligible to strike. To those persons who object to the term ‘police officer’ may I confirm it stems not from the fact that officers hold a commission as in the armed forces, but rather that they are Crown Servants and hold the office of constable, attesting to this by oath.
I also noted that Winsor suggests that PCSO’s should also be made subject to this test. Now… there do seem to be plenty of them who are not exactly ‘racing snake’ material.
Still and all it will, if introduced as advertised, include ALL warranted police officers, which would include senior officers. It is nothing compared to the frenzied 1.5 miles in under 11 minutes, followed by measured minimum numbers press-ups. sit-up’s and star jumps – nor is it anything compared with the BFT or Battle Fitness Test enjoyed? by military personnel.
I do not like the tone of the Winsor report. It pulls no punches whatsoever and is extremely biased and based upon flawed evidence. It does, however, contain certain ‘home truths’. It remains to be seen how much, if any of it actually comes into effect.
It has certainly been a fraught time for the poor bobbies since the Conservatives came to power. Next month, I can look forward to my pension contribution going up by 1.5%, I lose the child tax credit I was entitled to up to March this year, as the Condems have moved the goalposts; ‘…we have had our pay frozen for the past two years and still they want more’! This last is, predictably, the line that the Police Federation will go down. Time to change the record, I privately think.
I don’t have long to go, before I can retire, not that I actually want to, as I love my job, look forward to going to work and even go in on my days off for example this week, when I was actually on leave, because some things needed doing that I felt could not wait until next week. Dedicated? Probably, and I would like to think that I, along with the majority of my colleagues will just shrug our shoulders and ‘get on with it’.
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March 17, 2012 at 19:24 -
I would rather have unfit coppers who could use thier minds and experience, rather than thick atheletes. The small crimes need someone who can chase. The murders, rapes, child sex crimes, frauds etc need brain power and experience
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March 17, 2012 at 20:54 -
Good point PC!!!
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March 18, 2012 at 18:38 -
Cheers Humble Observer,
Thing is the police do so much from targetting Petty Crime to Horrible Murders such as that of Jo Yeates IT seems to me that those involved with the Petty Crimes will need to chase the defendants— but the much more serious crimes need brain power not brawn on many serious crimes
I would have thought the obvious thing to was to accept some reduction in fitness according to age and whether on Active duty or stuck on a long term crime– for example the Stephen Lawrence enquiry.
Those officers that cant make the fitness grade, use them in other capacities such as interviewing, statement taking ” long tail” crime enquires.
Bouncing an experienced 45 yr old officer out the force simply because they cant chase an 18 yr old Hoodie isnt a good use of public money. Good managers know thier teams strenghts and weaknesses and use them accordingly. I dont work for the police by the way
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March 17, 2012 at 16:54 -
“Personally I want my policeman brick shit house sized, with a penetrating gaze and years of experience at what the local villains are up to, and preferably quite prepared to give Joe Bloggs a kick where it hurts to persuade him to reveal where he has hidden the jewellery he stole from me.”
In other words, you want Gene Hunt.
Don’t we all!
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March 17, 2012 at 18:16 -
Ah Gene Hunt—- best TV copper ever by a mile— sorry Jack Regan
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