Dr Leg-Iron, Dr Feelgood, or Saint Leg-Iron as I have taken to referring to him, has very kindly sent me a safe fag to suck on when I am confined to bed. Not since 1972 when Dr Alex Comfort burst onto the scene has a woman’s life been so transformed in bed.

He’s sent me a Titan starter set, with one battery, one heater, some fluid filled cartridges and a USB charger. It is a seminal moment in my life, bereft of saucy French terms and vague references to vacuum cleaner injuries.

50 years of introducing nicotine into my system the old fashioned way is about to change – and from a news article kindly sent to me this morning, I am just in time to enjoy the transition from secret habit to main stream approval.

Approval? Yeah! Even Deborah Arnott, the dreadful Deborah has been struck dumb for once.

British American Tobacco has bought the rights to a non-electronic cigarette substitute developed by a British medical firm, Kind Consumer.

My defection to the E-Cigarette is partly the knowledge that I literally will not be able to smoke until I can make it from my bed to the beautiful ‘smoking area’ water-garden thoughtfully provided by France’s biggest cancer hospital, but also by the knowledge that even I recognise that not having my blood full of carbon monoxide might be a wise precaution before such radical surgery – now scheduled for Bastille Day when Frenchmen traditionally brandish sharp knives. I am convinced that they will send for me in a tumbril, rather than the usual ambulance.

Not one Frenchman has nagged me about smoking, nay, not the anaesthetist, nor the surgeon. My lungs are A1, my heart beating like a trooper, my blood pressure an ultra respectable 120/80 – but the English are horrified! I’m still smoking! How could I?

Each and every English visitor has delivered a homily, carved straight from the annuls of ASH – and I have sat in stony silence, well aware of their respective drinking habits – not a word escaped my lips; their more than comfortable bulk that sends them shrieking back to Marks and Spencer every year, unable to clothe it from French shops – and I have been commendably polite. Grr.

‘Kind Consumer’s’ nicotine inhaler will be submitted to the MHRA and subjected to the same exhaustive tests that Big Pharma’s nicotine patches have passed. It will be an officially regulated product.

The fact that ‘Big Tobacco’ is launching a ‘healthy’ cigarette (and has caught the attention of Tesco’s highly successful former chief executive Terry Leahy, who is investing in the venture) will dismay many people in the health lobby.

‘This is a cynical move to design a product to keep you smoking,’ is the view taken by Martin Dockrell, director of research and policy at Action On Smoking And Health (ASH),

No dear heart – it is a cynical and well timed move to stop Big Pharma from cornering the nicotine market. British American Tobacco is taking the fight right to your doorstep. Good for them.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

Leg-iron July 7,
2011 at 22:26

Good to hear it arrived safely. Soon you’ll be tempted by the dark side –
the surreal experience of smoking coffee, apples and absinthe.

Honestbroker – you’re too late. They’ve already come for the drinkers.

honestbroker
July 7, 2011 at 21:53

As a typical Englishnan who has never once assaulted anyone, vomited on
anyone’s carpet, behaved in a loud, inappropriate or anti-social way or, by
any other means, violated the right of any second or third party to live as
they choose to live without let, hindrance or degradation of quality of life,
by my conduct whilst I have been drunk and incapable (at least so far as I
know!) I have to say that smoking is a deeply anti-social and unpleasant habit
that’s also bad for your health …

Apart from the saving grace that it might contribute to the success of the
operation you are about to undergo, I can’t really approve of this artificial
cigarette either.

I’m thinking of forming an ‘alcoholics against nicotine-addicts’ alliance
to combat this inciduous menace to the very fabric of society, that I’m
hoping, will educate ASH in the ways of the one, vital, trick they are missing
— failure to advocate the considerable and manyfold benefits of alcohol
consumption.

Bastille day is, indeed, appropriate for your operation, Anna. No prisoners
will be taken.

You will, of course, be most welcome to join my new alliance, Anna, and
we’ll give you two years’ free subscription as an honorary member.

There is one, strict, condition though. You must promise not to light up
during any of our meetings …

(I’ll get my coat …)

carol42 July 7, 2011 at 20:24

I was in Guys for surgery for lung cancer, caught very early and
incidentally when they were looking for something else, I used my e cig there
and no one minded at all. Not Drs. or nurses, most comment I got was where did
I get it. It is the only thing that ever worked for me, not that I wanted to
stop anyway though I did take the advice to stop before surgery for help
prevent pneumonia. The surgeon gave me no hassle about it, just gave me the
odds and said it was up to me. After smoking since the 50s I didn’t think it
would make much difference, you only have to go on the LC forums to read about
all the people who gave up decades ago and still get it. Ignore ASH they are
all in the pay of pharma cos. selling useless stop smoking aids, at least the
e cig works quite well and I have used it in lots of places. I don’t consider
myself a victim, just one of the unlucky 20% of smokers who get it. I never
had asthma, bronchitis or even much of a smoker’s cough except when I had a
cold. I loathe the sanctimonious fanatics from ASH and the idea that some of
my taxes are going to them makes me furious. My personal rebellion was to stop
buying tobacco and cigarettes in this country when they banned smoking in pubs
and clubs, don’t mind about the rest. It is easy enough to hop over the
channel from where I live and stock up, if I am to be treated as a second
class citizen well they don’t need any more of my taxes. Good luck with the
surgery. Be thinking about you.

Beware of Geeks
Bearing GIFs July 7, 2011 at 18:03

It’s still early days for ecigs – I love using mine and I’m not even a
smoker!

I told Leggie about the commotion and the sheer hatred on some peoples face
when you have the landlord’s permission to puff away.

I also take 3 NJOY batteries and cartridges so I can puff for a full
evening shift.

I take great pleasure in it – they were the self-righteous, venal,
miserable bastards that played the authoritarian card, all it took was for one
entrepeneur to lay down the full house on their selfish, evil plans.

Ha ha, Righteous, you’d be better off trying to tax water to run
uphill.

Sister Eva
Longoria July 7, 2011 at 14:00

Stick to your guns! But can someone explain electric cigarrettes? It seems
to me that rather like a broken pencil, it is pointless. Are we in Clockwork
Orange territory here? My own use of electrically propelled stimuli shall, of
course, remain confidential. I wouldnt want to give the game away by
rabbitting on about it.

Single Acts Of Tyranny July 7, 2011 at 16:29

Peter would be shocked

Engineer July 7, 2011 at 16:32

They have electronic and remote-control everything these days. It saves
having to kick the habit – which must be handy if you’re a nun.

Livewire July 7, 2011 at 13:53

Very best wishes for the next couple of weeks, Anna. You’ll probably still
have ‘read’ access so you’ll see that ALL will be kind to Matt &
SBML.
Why am I so sure? Because I’ve penned a few guest posts, intended as
uncontroversial, but certain to be published if needed as collective
punishment in case of blog unruliness, like tear gas or water
cannons.
Deborah Arnott needs a ‘King Edward’ inserted, either the cigar,
the potato or the late monarch.

PT Barnum July 7, 2011 at 19:13

“or the late monarch”

That’s the first thing that has made me laugh on a rather difficult day.
Thank you

ivan July 7, 2011 at 13:36

Anna, don’t let the English get down. I’ve had some of it here as well but
I can usually shut them up if I can persuade them to come with me as I walk
Storm (60 Kg Newfoundland).

After the first kilometre of the brisk walk up the hill with me puffing on
my pipe, they begin to flag and start asking how much further. My reply of
‘only another kilometre and a half’ usually sees them turn pale and start
looking to see if there is a shorter way back – there isn’t.

By the time we get back they are usually puffing and panting and as I
refill my pipe they invariably ask how I can do that walk being a smoker – my
reply is normally something about keeping fit and healthy which astounds them.
Then I tell them that the evening walk is only 2 km and invite them along. I
wonder why they gas out ‘no thanks’, don’t they like healthy exercise?

Most are less than half my age and I had one individual that lectured me
about smoking that gave up half way round complaining of being short of breath
– in fact I had to go and get the 4×4 and retrieve him.

My conclusion is that the British anti-smoking health nuts are just that –
nuts as well as being unhealthy.

ivan July 7, 2011 at 13:39

So much for being distracted by Storm wanting ‘out’ and pushing the
submit button without reading first.

‘they gas out’ should, of course be ‘they gasp out’.

Ed P July 7, 2011 at 17:18

I preferred “gas out” – reminiscent of Le Petomain, with his talking
anus.

Beware of
Geeks Bearing GIFs July 7, 2011 at
18:00

LOL!