Mr T, who came before Mr G, in my dyslexic litany of marriages, once offered to move a boiler for me so that I could squeeze another piece of kitchen equipment into the resulting space. The offer came as a surprise to both of us; he wasn’t noted for his utilitarian qualities.

A full quorum of brothers were commanded to attend; Scousers operate in packs when faced with hard work, it spreads the load, with luck each one will only have to lift the occasional drinking arm.

Given the limited space currently occupied by the boiler, three of them were exceptionally lucky, there was only space for No 1 brother to actually do anything, leaving the other three free to sit round the kitchen table dishing out advice. It’s thirsty work, advising an amateur plumber.

Eventually the only two bolts were undone, reluctant and by then somewhat inebriated advisors were commanded to lift the appliance into its new position, and lots were drawn as to who would undertake the arduous task of reconnecting it.

One by one they crawled under the counter, cursed, swore, invoked the patron saint of all Liverpudlians, St. OurKid’llDoit, and retired defeated. Finally the brains of the outfit crawled under the counter (otherwise known as No 2 brother if you’re interested) and delivered his technical assessment to the impressed audience – ‘you need a 3/8^th whitworth to 5mm connector’, or words to that effect. The exact dimensions are mercifully lost to the memory of distant marriages.

A spare brother, all seats round the table now occupied, was despatched to the local ironmongers to acquire such an item. He returned empty handed. Next in line was duly despatched to the local garage. He too returned disgusted with the lack of availability of 3/8^th whitworth to 5mm connectors, but had had the good sense to call in at the off-licence and pick up fresh supplies the better to reconnect the assembled neurons, shared out as they were between four craniums.

After much deliberation, No 2 brother, possessor of the only complete brain cell, stumbled out to his car and drove to a nearby forge. There he commanded manufacture of such a connector. In no time at all it was assembled, and after a quick snifter in the Dog and Ferret to bolster his courage, returned triumphant. Elated at their enterprise, they quickly fitted the offending beast, turned the gas and water back on, retired to the kitchen table, and sat staring uncomprehendingly as water poured out of every available orifice – the gas cooker, the gas fire, and indeed the gas boiler.

T’was then I returned. Being on a somewhat higher intellectual plane, if I say so myself, I requested, very politely under the circumstances, that the water be turned off.

I turned on the tap to fill the kettle, and in a split nano second diagnosed the problem they had been so puzzled by. If the water was coming out of the gas fire, where was the gas? I also threw all five of them out into the garden, heavy smokers one and all, and ran with the speed of light to a neighbour to phone the Gas Board.

The Gas Board arrived and phoned for the Water Board. They were puzzled to discover the Gas meter full of water, rather than Bingo tokens, lengths of wire and the odd grudgingly inserted 2 bob piece – even in Liverpool water was unusual.

Two sets of engineers peered under the counter.

‘Bloody Hell’ said set one to set two.

‘Where’d’ya get that connector?’

‘Had it made’ said No 2 proudly, if a little unsteadily.

‘Couldn’t buy one then our La?’

‘That still doesn’t stop them though, does it’ said set two to set one.

‘What do I do now’ said No 1 brother.

‘If I were you laddy, I’d stick me ‘ead in the oven and drown yerself’ was the historic reply.

The point of this tale was that Murphy’s Law was invented for situations like this. Amateur plumbers, and indeed the old fashioned variety of professional plumbers, those artefacts before they went all monarchic and Corgiified, were protected from connecting the mains water to the gas oven by the simple expedient of not making connectors that would enable you to do so – you weren’t expected to have a full set of brain cells, just work with the tools and parts provided and you couldn’t go wrong.

You’re wondering where I am going with this aren’t you? Actually just amusing myself, but tag along for the ride, you’re welcome.

Somewhere in the last 40 years, plumbers no longer learnt from their Father or their elder brother, they went to classes, got certificates and everything. Wore boiler suits to protect their Sunday jeans an’ all they did.

Not enough for 2011, No Siree! What has set me off today this morning is that I discovered an Academy, an academy no less, of plumbing has been set up. Scottish Gas are now training ‘an army’ of ‘engineers’ to ‘support a sustainable, modern, low-carbon economy’.

Housing and communities minister Alex Neil said: “[Scottish Gas’s] Green Academies will provide people with the right skills to work in the rapidly expanding eco sector. This offers opportunities for a whole new generation of young people – a green army for Scotland – helping to support a sustainable, modern, low-carbon economy.”

I get this image of blonde, blue eyed Scottish youngsters in matching green shirts and Lederhosen marching across the glens to the stirring bagpipe sound of ‘Mobilising Gaia for Copenhagen in ‘C’ minor’. I see neighbour reported unto area co-coordinator for failing to install solar heating, I see wind farms in every school yard.  I see elderly men dragged out of their homes at dawn for daring to set fire to a lump of coal in the dead of night. I foresee a future in which every Scottish youngster will attend University for the approved degree in ‘flogging atmospheric carbon dioxide monitors’ to fearful households as the minimal entry requirement for admission to the Green Army.

What will we do for plumbers then?

No Corgi’s were harmed in the making of this post.

Ian (Aberdeen)
March 13, 2011 at 23:58

It surprises me that ordinary copper tube is now regarded as OK for gas
feeds. Apart from the risk of being confused with water supplies and therefore
cut by the less clued-up DIY’ers among us, it’s not all that proof against
damage.

It’s sensible to restrict gas work to competent persons, because while it’s
not particularly difficult to do, the consequences of bad workmanship can be
more serious than for other kinds of fuel. Like… bang.

At the same time there is the manic-obsessive Part P requirement for
certification of all electrical fittings, which virtually bars all DIY
electrical work in England (but thankfully not Scotland) even by competent
persons. You wonder just how many broken and hazardous electrical fittings
will simply be left so as a result of this red tape, when in fact a competent
DIY repair would be preferable to them being left so.

There is a need for proper safety standards in all energy-related work, but
there is also a need to keep things in a sensible perspective. Bad safety laws
actually create more hazards.

SadButMadLad
March 14, 2011 at 07:34

Copper has always been regarded as OK for gas. Water is increasinly using
plastic pipes, especially with price of copper shooting sky high.

Part P doesn’t stop enthusiastic DIYers from doing work on their home,
especially if they don’t know about it. All Part P is is a scheme to enforce
a closed shop on the electrical industry. All it does is increase the
barriers to new electricians starting work. It makes minimal difference to
safety.

peter March 8, 2011 at 03:39

Wow, what a yarn !

Woman on a
Raft March 7, 2011 at 22:19

You cannot know how much this has cheered me up in my on-going troubles
with plumbers. I will return to the task refreshed.

Thank you.

SadButMadLad
March 7, 2011 at 21:34

Corgis don’t exist anymore. It’s called the Gas Safe Register now. Why they
changed the name I don’t know. Something to do with give a new quango lots of
money who then gives loads of money to a Crap* outsourcing agency. Considering
the pentration of the CORGI name into the British psyche it comes across as
incompetence to the upmost to change the name just becasue the database
contents have changed slightly+. You still have people who haven’t heard of
Gas Safe and it’s been going a number of years. It’s just asking for cowboys
to take advantage of the confusion.

+ Gas engineers now have their skills listed on their register entry so you
can have those who can only work on boilers whilst others work on open fuel
fires and others can only do gas cookers, or any mixture of skills.

*Crap is a clue to the name of the outsourcing company. It’s real name is
Crapita, or colloquially called Capita.

microdave March 7, 2011 at 21:07

If your bunch of Scousers had shared science lessons with me they would
know that tap water pressure is considerably higher than the gas mains. We
would wait until the teachers back was turned, and connect the two together
with some rubber tubing, then fill the gas pipes with water before
reconnecting the bunsen burners. He didn’t see the funny side when a fine jet
of water hit the ceiling instead of a nice flame being produced…

As to the subject of making connectors impossible to mix up, I’m sure I am
not the only DIY mechanic to have tried in vain to undo a left hand thread on
his car. These are normally used to secure the wheel bearings on one side,
with a conventional right hand thread on the other. It pays to make sure which
is which before applying the really LONG wrench….

Joe Public
March 7, 2011 at 21:14

Or, the short wrench + scaffold pole.

TimOfEngland
March 7, 2011 at 19:40

If you like a “nice” blog, with a bit of renewable energy, boat engineering
and tech thrown in from Scotland (On Topic) I can recommend:

http://lifeattheendoftheroad.wordpress.com/

I don’t know how I found it, but I usually finish my daily reading with
Paul – it calms me down

Sister Eva
Longoria March 7, 2011 at 20:00

Good call.

Joe Public March 7, 2011 at 19:39

“Housing and communities minister Alex Neil said: “[Scottish Gas’s] Green
Academies will provide people with the right skills to work in the rapidly
expanding eco sector.”

As you know Anna, Scottish (& all the other ‘gas’ companies) now sell
that other stuff – electricity.

Doing your bit to save the planet, you & Mr G decide to invest in a
wind-turbine.

Imagine this scenario – you employ one of their eager new graduates from
their eco-kindergarden.

He/she (can’t be sexist can we?) fits the new turbine to the side of the
house, & wires it back to your ‘leccy supply, then takes you outside to
admire the results of their handiwork.

Watching the windmill spinning furiously, you start mentally calculating
the phenomenal income you’ll gain whereby the ‘leccy Co pay you an exorbitant
amount under their mandatory Feed-In tariff that all electric consumers
subsidise.

Slightly later Mr G looks out of the window, and notices the flag on the
flagpole. Becalmed. With the turbine still spinning furiously, he realises the
only thing stopping the house taking off is the mortar holding the bricks to
the footings.

Yup, Mr/Ms trainee has wired it arse-about-face, and it’s your costly
electricity that’s fanning the neighbourhood.

ivan March 7, 2011 at 19:17

Being of practical bent (ouch) I had a good chuckle about the past – the
future is nothing to chuckle about, it is very bleak.

A society can be gauged on its progress by the amount of energy it uses –
more energy use higher standard of living and so on.

Now Scotland wants to get 80% – up from the original 50% – of its energy
from renewables. The only problem is that renewable energy has only supplied
0.2% of the energy consumed in Scotland since the new year and that is not
every day as well. In the coldest days there was NO energy from renerables
available. Outlook for Scotland very bleak indeed.

There is no way I’d ever want to live there if they go ahead with the
renewable plans and I expect a lot of the people living there now would want
to move out as well.

John77 March 7, 2011 at 19:45

Do not distract a sensible discussion with tripe. Water will continue to
flow through hydroelectric systems until the bottom of the river freezes and
since water at 4 degrees C is denser than water at lower temperatures you
will get hydroelectric power in the depth of a Scottish winter. There will
be a small, perhaps trivial amount of solar energy generated on any day,
even a cloudy one in winter [BP has installed solar panels on a lot of
petrol stations as a PR exercise] If you want to say “there was no wind
power” – do so and that would be plausible, but don’t equate that with no
energy from renewables.

Ed P March 7, 2011 at 19:45

Although I’m a townie now, I hope to move somewhere less urban soon. I’m
investing in a diesel-powered 3kW generator and a simple DIY diesel
production kit – both easily found on t’ net – ready for when the ‘leccy
fails. It’ll run the freezer, fridge & gas boiler (while there’s still
gas). I urge everyone to do likewise soon – if you wait until the
eco-madness has reached the power interruption stage, these items will be in
short supply.

jellied eels
March 8, 2011 at 00:54

“There is no way I’d ever want to live there ”

Thats a relief.

Cascadian March 7, 2011 at 19:17

First they came for the electricity, and you said nothing,

“Electricity consumers in the UK will need to get used to flicking the
switch and finding the power unavailable, according to Steve Holliday, CEO
of National Grid, the country’s grid operator. Because of a six-fold increase
in wind generation, which won’t be available when the wind doesn’t blow, “The
grid is going to be a very different system in 2020, 2030,” he told BBC’s
Radio 4. “We keep thinking that we want it to be there and provide power
when we need it.

Holliday has for several years been predicting that blackouts could
become a feature of power systems that replace reliable coal plants with wind
turbines in order to meet greenhouse gas targets. Wind-based power systems are
necessary to meet the government’s targets, he has explained, but they will
require lifestyle changes.”

Then they came for the gas, and you said nothing.

Will you speak out when the Liverpudlian plumbers arrive?

Anna
Raccoon March 7, 2011 at 19:25

Liverpudlian plumbers? I’ll run for my life!

John77 March 7, 2011 at 19:38

Denmark, the main promoters of wind-power, because wind turbines is their
major export industry (nobody, except attention-seekers, uses Viking
longboats any more), had a brown-out when the connector cable to Sweden’s
(horror of horrors) nuclear power plants had a malfunction. Mr Holliday is
not saying anything new, just pointing out the obvious that is constantly
ignored by those with vested interests (the Emperor’s New Clothes
Syndrome)
The Netherlands, who have the greatest experience of and
expertise in wind power do NOT connect it their grid.

Bob March 8, 2011 at 13:51

My wife and I had occasion to go up country for a couple of long
weekends recently. Up country, being North Yorkshire and Lancashire border
area.
We found it quite amusing to see a fair collection of wind farms
dotted about different places in the countryside, -ALL STILL AND
UNMOVING.
Not one of them turned to save the planet. This was on both
weekends.
There was virtually no wind, and this was in the
Pennines!
I just wish that those who demand the building of these
“green” monstrosities could be connected to them as their ONLY source of
power.
I don’t mind wind power as an idea, I just hate the government
sponsored religion which comes with them!
The one thing I loved whilst
“up country” was the smell of wood and coal fires drifting through the
villages. Real fuel at work!

Livewire March 7, 2011 at 19:11

A phalanx of well-trained Scots.
Were released in an SNP plot.
The
English to freeze,
Until they said “Please,”
“Have independance &
‘f’ off you lot”

Sorry Scotland, love the lochs & the salmon.

Livewire March 7, 2011 at 19:30

Spelled ‘independence’ in dictionaries after The Act Of Union.

Gloria Smudd
March 7, 2011 at 18:22

‘If I were you laddy, I’d stick me ‘ead in the oven and drown
yerself’
*****
Simply brilliant.

Snowolf March 7,
2011 at 22:27

‘If I were you laddy, I’d stick me ‘ead in the oven and drown yerself’
was the historic reply.

This made Mrs. Snowolf cry with laughter. She had to put down her soduko
and everything.

Sister Eva
Longoria March 7, 2011 at 18:21

Lovely stuff eh la! eh! eh!

Scrobs… March 7, 2011 at 17:56

“before they went all monarchic and Corgiified”

Utterly hilarious Anna!

One gets a nanosecond to read and fully understand the ‘certificate’ which
is thrust at one on the ‘plumber’s entry into the house and immediately
plumbed into the bulging wallet in under another second…

Agree too Jiks, lots of enjoyment at that bit!

Jiks March 7, 2011 at 17:45

“… sat staring uncomprehendingly as water poured out of every available
orifice – the gas cooker, the gas fire, and indeed the gas boiler.”

I choked on my coffee reading that, wonderful story Anna!

Subrosa March 7,
2011 at 17:38

Anna, didn’t you know we’re going to the the green centre of the world?
Come and visit soon because if you leave it more than a couple of years the
countryside will be littered with broken birdeaters and defunct solar panels
which have been kicked to death by irate owners who believed the sun would
shine every day.

Pericles March 7, 2011 at 17:29

Thoroughly entertaining.  Thank you.

ΠΞ

gladiolys March 7, 2011 at 17:06

Aaah, so it’s Lederhosen they wear under their kilts? No wonder we’re never
supposed to ask.

Engineer March 7, 2011 at 17:02

Anna, you have just made my day….

“Give ‘em a job and they’ll finish the tools.”