A Sunday Ramble
Since the world is quite clearly going to hell in a handcart, I decided to produce some whimsy, a bit of light refreshment. It is time to talk about lampreys. I feel the lamprey needs to be celebrated. I didn’t know a lot about lampreys, although what I did know stems from one of the most reliable historical works, “1066 And All That” – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1066_and_All_That – required reading for any asylum-seeker keen to imbue the culture of his host nature (not many sales there then, sadly). Anyway, all I did know from that publication was that almost every historical figure of the Middle Ages died of eating a surfeit of lampreys. Apparently this tradition originated with Henry I, the youngest son of William the Conqueror. http://the-history-girls.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/a-surfeit-of-lampreys-and-other.html
Sadly for the contestants on ‘Masterchef’, the humble lamprey has been absent from British rivers for some time no doubt because of over fishing and pollution, but they are making a comeback. Lampreys have a good CV. They have been around for hundreds of millions of years, and are the oldest vertebrates alive. They predate the dinosaurs, it seems. They look a bit like an eel, but they seem much more interesting than their slimy competitors. I was much intrigued to learn that they do not have jaws but rather a large sucking disk lined with teeth which they use to latch onto a host and thence suck the blood – putting me in mind of one of my ex’s as it happened. They have seven gills on each side, not one like a boring old fish. They are cousins of hag fish (I am thinking ex again). They only have one nostril, which begs the question: how do they smell? And guess the ansewer….
I learned all this from very enthusiastic boffin from Bournemouth University whom I heard on the radio. It seems they are becoming abundant in his local river so one day in mating season he popped down with a “Go Pro” (it’s a video camera, it turns out, and is assume he had a waterproof case) and stuck it in the river to see what was going on. Quite a lot, it seems. The male turns up at a nest site over clean gravel. The male then attracts a female by emitting the lamprey equivalent of my Lynx body spray. Once they have been introduced and signed the necessary pre-nup, the process is greatly more romantic and tasteful than the average celeb wedding. First they work together to tidy up the nest sight, picking up stones with the sucker disk and placing them around a perimeter creating a big crater about a meter wide, but they leave one big stone in the middle. Then they vibrate to disperse silt. When they are happy the nest is all clean and tidy, the female hangs on to the anchor stone in the middle of the nest to make sure they don’t get washed away. The male then wraps himself around the female and they “Get it On” to paraphrase a popular song title https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igNVdlXhKcI Then the eggs are buried with a bit more wiggling. Job done! It just seemed such a sweet and cooperative process, it made me smile.
Meanwhile, I have been mooching about in Manchester this week on Secret Business involving possible mating too, but I haven’t been moving stones or vibrating. At least not yet. Anyway, I have becomes far too familiar with young men with a particular dress code. They appear to have rather tight trousers and polished brogues, and that slightly retro Regency look which seemed to be popular back in the ‘60’s. The most common feature however is radically styled and groomed hair and beards. These are “hipsters”, I believe – a sort of radical chic fashion movement for men. And the hipsters will have been having a whale of a time of it this weekend, because yesterday was World Beard Day. http://worldbeardday.com/
I heard another expert being interviewed about it. He was writing a thesis on the social significance of the beard, I have noticed that there is a modern trend, often amongst sportsmen, for big and bushy beards. Who knows what this signifies? I myself have never flirted with the beard. It may perhaps be that I probably have a low level of testosterone and always struggled even to get a fuzz when I was young, or perhaps I have never felt the look would suit me, but I am thinking of changing. The reason is not fashion. It’s the ever more complicated and costly process of shaving. I am sure I just used to have an old Gillette Mach-something with the then innovative two blades, and it did a perfectly effective job. But thanks to a bit of confusion when shopping and a few birthday and Christmas presents I have now accumulated an array of shaving irons.
Anyway, I am now completely confused about what blades go on which, and I find myself completely baffled about what to buy. But then again – have you seen the bloody cost of razor blades these days! It’s getting crazy! Do we need all these “shaving systems” and hyper moisturising polymers or whatever we are being flogged. I keep getting some traffic on “social media” saying the whole thing is a scam, and flagging up the virtues of an old-fashioned cut throat razor. It certainly feels that way. There’s a good scene in ‘Skyfall’ when Daniel Craig’s Bond is given an old-fashioned shave (no innuendo intended) with a cut throat by the Naomie Harris’s Eve. It has some erotic edginess to it, but it has made me think I should invest in one, but I hear mixed reports, and I am so cack-handed I would worry about ending up in A&E. In the end today I settled for some disposal Gillette Mach 3’s. Still bloody £7 though.
Meanwhile this week – Stephen Gough, aka the naked rambler…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Gough He has been released this week after serving yet another prison sentence for rambling about naked. All in all he has spent the best part 10 years in prison for his naked walking, largely because he is deemed to be in breach of the ubiquitous ASBO. And for much of that he is in “solitary” because he refuses to wear prison clothes. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk- Gough’s issue, as I understand it, is something to do with personal freedom, not nudity per se. He is not attempting to make a sexual statement, or seek out and molest anyone. He is just bonkers. Former Director of Public Prosecutions Lord MacDonald has called to an end to prison sentences for Mr. Gough, who may be a nuisance but has now spent more time behind bars than many a rapist or murderer. It’s hard to disagree. Perhaps he does offend some people, but there are many more offensive individuals who occupy high public office in the country, or bleat on with their messages of hate whilst typically feeding voraciously off the benefits provided by the State they would like to overthrow, but not a lot is done about them. What a waste of public money and court and prison resources.
Finally, whilst we are on the subject of walking, I am feeling rather virtuous because I am now a qualified Nordic Walker. This does not mean that I have passed a test so I can walk on Scandinavia, although I can do that if I like. It is a form of walking with special poles which are angled to produce an effect not too dissimilar to skiing, but without the sliding bits. Basically, the science is that you engage whole of the body’s core and upper body so that the energy used is greater than normal walking and you go much faster if you want, but the load is spread so it’s actually much better for posture, easier on the joints and much better for going up and down hills. I have got a Certificate, and everything. I did it to have something which added to just going to the gym, and I didn’t want to just run – I carry a few joint injuries.
I went on my first organised trek this morning – an hour-and-a half of hills and farm tracks, on a beautiful late summer day. In fact we haven’t had much of said summer, but September seems to keep coming good with its slightly red-gold sunshine, less bright than July, still warm but the faintest, bitter-sweet tinge of autumn. A quiet and peaceful activity in a gentle and peaceful landscape. I am afraid I am not sure how much longer things will stay that way. I am going to make the most of it, while it lasts. Have a good Sunday.
Gildas The Monk
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September 6, 2015 at 9:19 am -
A lovely read on a Sunday after the rest of the week, Gildas. Thank you.
Stephen Gough may or may not be bonkers, but I do think the state is actively persecuting him and it is just another sign that it has become spiteful and vindictive. Enjoy the sunshine.
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September 6, 2015 at 9:32 am -
Thank you Windsock. I know it’s all inconsequential nonsense, but I felt a pause from the general maelstrom of depressing news was worthwhile, for me at least!
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September 6, 2015 at 9:20 am -
Of course lampreys preceded dinosaurs. Lampreys are Chordates, a class of beings of which Vertebrates are descendents. Dinosaurs were Vertebrates…
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September 6, 2015 at 9:31 am -
Who but Raccoonistas even know this stuff!
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September 6, 2015 at 12:24 pm -
September 6, 2015 at 4:01 pm -
If you want an even more primitive animal, look up Amphioxus. Cute little beast.
After that you have to dig back to the common ancestor of Chordates, Tunicates and Echinoderms.
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September 6, 2015 at 9:49 am -
In aid of your economic beard-management challenge, the latest results from my on-going pursuit of sensibly-priced razor-blades has focused on Aldi’s Lacura ‘Three Blade System’ – you get a razor and 3 blades for £2.99, the extra blades are only £2.99 for 6. Every bit as good as the over-promoted and thus over-priced Gillette and Wilkinson products, current indications are that they shave as well and last as long. Try it. (I’m not on Aldi’s payroll but admit to being a fan of their somewhat ecclectic stock principle – probably the only positive thing I can identify as emerging from Britain’s 40 years in the EU. Other economy brands are available.)
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September 6, 2015 at 9:50 am -
Thanks Mudplugger. I will be passing an Aldi this very day, and shall seek out this product
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September 6, 2015 at 10:08 am -
But why do we shave?
I had a beard for a year or so back in the late ’70’s, probably to match the guitar. Odd how the face goes a different shape under a beard but recovers after a few days naked. I’ve never wanted to go hairy since, though part of the ’80’s in RSA exposed me to extensive Boer beardery; non-Boers seemed to favour top lip growth. The men anyway.
Shaving systems are just that, a way of selling more than just a cheap to make Gillette double edged blade to use in a razor that lasted a lifetime & which might have been your Dad’s. Where’s the money in that?
Thanks Gildas, a better read than the Sunday papers.-
September 6, 2015 at 1:56 pm -
The trouble with the old double-edgers was if you let the doings holding the head together go slack, the blade stood proud and took a chunk out of your face. And in spite of the exorbitant price of blades, I have to admit that the new Gillette swivelling* razor thing is f*****g ace.
*I was going to write ball-razor here but then realised the scope for misunderstanding.
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September 6, 2015 at 3:12 pm -
When I was a kid, I often remember my dad heading off for work with a patchwork quilt of tiny tissues stuck to his chin after a tussle with the razor. You don’t see that so much these days, though a lapse of concentration when doing the business can still provoke a nasty nick.
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September 6, 2015 at 3:45 pm -
I still have that problem when I’ve put a new blade in the razor. Fortunately, I can’t see under my own chin, so when I’m out and about it doesn’t bother me much (I do take the bits of bog paper off before I go out – provided I remember). Since a new blade lasts me about three weeks or so, it’s not too frequent a problem, either. There used to be a thing you cou could get that gummed up the nicks, called a Styptic Pencil I think. They used to sting something rotten, apparently, so I’ve never bothered.
Finding shaving soap became a bit of a problem a couple of years ago. Used to get mine in Boots, until they stopped stocking it (“Excuse me, but could you tell me where the shaving soap is?” “Oh, sorry sir, don’t have any – nobody buys it” “Well, they won’t if you don’t stock it…”). Get it mail order from George Trumper now; it’s much better quality, and a cake lasts much longer, too.
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September 6, 2015 at 3:59 pm -
I’ll be interested to hear your freedback – shaving’s a very personal thing (indeed quite intimate for some of the lady-gender, so I’m told), but I reckon the Aldi device takes some beating at the price – the razor’s sturdy and well-balanced and the blades seem very smooth and regular.
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September 6, 2015 at 10:42 am -
The only facial hair I’ve ever had a preference for is sideburns, though they need tricky trimming every few weeks to avoid the Noddy Holder effect – and if you trim too close, you end up with a bald patch in the middle of your cheek. Razor blades are indeed ridiculously expensive, but there’s nothing quite like the cleansing feel to the face when you’ve just used a new blade for the first time. I cannot leave the house on a morning without having shaved first; there’s a grubby dirtiness about an unshaved chin for me and I don’t know how those who use WG Grace as an unlikely style model can stand having that pubic rug clinging to the bottom half of their face.
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September 6, 2015 at 12:22 pm -
Oh Petunia! You really should go for the full on ‘Jason King’ moustache! Go on Pet, you know you want to!!!
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September 6, 2015 at 3:09 pm -
September 6, 2015 at 4:01 pm -
The normal response to any moustache is “What’s so important about your nose that it needs to be underlined?”.
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September 6, 2015 at 10:48 am -
10 paragraphs of Gildas on a Sunday Morn and where, might I ask, is the Cat related news?!
died of eating a surfeit of lampreys
the historical equivalent of the theologian’s ” so he smote him under the fifth rib”.
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September 6, 2015 at 12:37 pm -
Petunia did suggest I might mention the cats, but I was rushing,. various reasons. Old Cat’s coat remains gloriously glossy, but he remains a difficult creature. Ever since my botched efforts to get him to the vet he does tend to show signs of anxiety from time to time, but he is doing OK. He gets a lot of treats.
Young Cat from next door is still a daily visitor, and I am always there to welcome him when he pops round about 8 am. I do worry about him – he seems very jumpy sometimes for such a naturally confident and outgoing character. I have the strongest suspicion that his “owners”, who are Asian, have no empathy with him as a creature, and do not treat him properly. I make sure he is very well fed and has a place of safety and refuge
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September 6, 2015 at 11:00 am -
Returning briefly to yesterday’s post:
This morning I received a request from Change.ogre asking me to sign a petition ” David Cameron: Britain must accept its fair share of refugees seeking safety in Europe”.
So of course I did (as have 350,000 obviously childless liberals).
THEN
I actually read the blurb (my italics):
“Millions of men, women and children are fleeing the Middle East and Africa to find safety in the West. The Independent believes Britain must no longer turn a blind eye to their plight and must work with other European Union countries to set and welcome a quota of refugees.
To help show your support, sign our petition and tweet a picture of yourself holding a sign saying ‘refugees welcome’ under the hashtag #refugeeswelcome.”…the problem with being a ‘liberal’ ….No i so won’t be tweeting a f**king photo.
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September 6, 2015 at 11:49 am -
September 6, 2015 at 1:58 pm -
” …. The male then attracts a female by emitting the lamprey equivalent of my Lynx body spray. ….”
Alas, dear Gildas, I venture to suggest that ‘lamprey equivalent’ may be more attractive to human females than Lynx body spray!
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September 6, 2015 at 3:31 pm -
It’s probably more effective than Goat body spray.
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September 6, 2015 at 4:00 pm -
There’s a whole sub-culture devoted to straight razors, with interweb forums and everything. Straightrazorplace is one of ’em, I think. I came across it when the subject of sharpening cropped up yet again on a woodworking forum I frequent; there are people who can make a very involved ritual out of sharpening a straight razor, going to extreme lengths to obtain sharpening stones with special properties from particular geological deposits in far-away lands, and obsessively testing their relative merits. Mind you, there are people who take almost anything to extremes.
That, I suspect, is the one disadvantage with a straight razor – the ongoing maintenance. That aside, I can see the attraction.
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September 6, 2015 at 4:24 pm -
whole sub-culture
…that’s that British understatement again . The shaving/razor forums aren’t just a ‘sub culture’ but a CHURCH of True Believers who will tolerate NO HERESY in their schismatical midsts. No matter whether they worship at the shrine of the “Rolls Razor” , “The Safety Razor” (to give Red Admiral’s ‘double edgers’ their PROPER name, SINNER!) or the Blessed Cutthroat, they make Jim Jones seem well balanced ….Don’t Drink The After Shave.
In my search for the perfect shave I ventured onto those forums and spent many an hour discussing the various tensile strengths of beards. Still mean to pick up a ‘Rolls’ some time but I refused to subscribe to the doctrine that Wilkinson are the world’s finest blades, I am a disciple of Solingen Steel….and will razor burn in Hell for all Eternity for my apostasy.
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