And The Winner Is…
Back in the pre-deregulated broadcasting era, British TV was awash with home-grown beauty contests, not just the Miss United Kingdom finale, but the qualifying tournament as well, which was spread over all the old regional ITV companies. Every now again, footage is excavated for cheap laughs on a clips show and we get to see the likes of Fred Dineage or Bob Warman ogling a local lass with a Farrah Fawcett haircut from Miss Yorkshire Television 1977. The nature of television has certainly changed since then, as has the nature of the beauty contest.
It’s inevitable that at some point over the next six months we will be treated to a modern televised beauty contest in which the contenders for both the Labour and Liberal Democrat leaderships will restrict themselves to evening-dress and avoid the swimsuit interlude (no bad thing, considering). In theory, they will be judged on the feasibility of their plans for dragging their respective parties out of the black hole the electorate condemned them to last week; but just as much will depend on how they are able to project those plans to both public and party faithful. From JFK to Obama and from Wilson to Cameron, image has been as crucial a factor in choosing a political leader as any showpiece policy for over half-a-century. Ed Miliband’s inability to capitulate to the visual demands of the media was as much to blame for his spectacular failure as any of his set-in-stone pledges.
Yes, it’s a ridiculously shallow way to judge anyone’s merits, especially when so many political colossi of the past never had to contend with it. How would Robert Walpole have come across on TV, for example? Probably as a clean-shaven Brian Blessed in a periwig. What about Gladstone? A dour, morose Victorian version of Adrian Chiles, perhaps; dandified Disraeli would no doubt have appeared as theatrical and camp as Graham Norton by today’s standards. Even those captured on film before the widespread availability of TV, such as Clement Attlee, seem strangely uncharismatic in person; nobody now would be that surprised if an on-screen caption declared him to be a provincial bank-manager. Attlee was fortunate he was the last Prime Minister who never really had to take excessive scrutiny of his image into account. In 2015, any potential PM worth his parliamentary expenses has no choice but to pay as much attention to the way he looks, dresses and speaks as the presenter of a breakfast TV show, so how do the expected crop of contenders come across on television?
The problem for both parties is that there are no outstanding preordained successors to Miliband and Clegg; there’s no Thatcher or Heseltine waiting in the wings to seize power, just a collection of leftovers from past administrations and faceless newcomers few outside of the party machine have even heard of. The Labour list seems to bear this out.
The main names in the frame begin with the woman whose childcare arrangements have received an unexpected boost in the past few days, Yvette Cooper. Like many a female MP, her appearance implies she’d be more at home reading a regional news bulletin, owning that curiously intimidating short haircut many women of a certain age and social demographic adopt when they want to be taken seriously; and this Blairite veteran has evidently been a student of Harman the High Priestess, possessing the same off-putting, patronising, lecturing, hectoring tone that provokes a frantic hunt for the remote control whenever she opens her mouth on TV. The fact that she’s a woman doesn’t necessarily mean she’d be Labour’s answer to Nicola Sturgeon; besides, she’s too associated with the failures of the recent past to be a realistic success in the job.
Next up is someone I’d call a dark horse were I not worried about being accused of racism – Chuka Umunna; the temptation to say ‘Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan’ when pronouncing his name is one I should be grownup enough to resist; but I can’t help it. Anyway, if Yvette Cooper’s novelty selling-point is her vagina, Umunna’s is his skin colour. The problem is he doesn’t really convince as a brother from ‘the hood’, more a somewhat slimy, smarmy City executive or a crap villain from a Timothy Dalton Bond movie. Of course, he’d be the ideal candidate for the metropolitan clique that seems to run the Labour party these days, ticking all the required boxes. But I can’t see him charming the electorate beyond the borders of the capital.
The last recognisable name on the Labour list is Andy Burnham, the former Health Secretary who ran for the party leadership in 2010 and finished fourth out of five. His novelty selling-point is the trace of a Northern accent, suggesting he might be close to being ‘an ordinary person’. His route to the front bench was a fairly routine one for the career politician, however, and despite the fact that he’s probably one of the least nauseating Labour people Burnham does have a faint look of having been sculpted by Gerry Anderson.
Then we come to the ‘Who?’ section, which features Liz Kendall and Dan Jarvis. The former is apparently an-ex Harman SPAD, which doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in a new dawn; the latter is a far more intriguing prospect, though. Dan Jarvis is a former Army Officer who served in Iraq; now that’s something you could never imagine the other contenders having on their CV, and how genuinely novel would it be to have a party leader with a back-story outside of the SPAD circuit? Unfortunately, he already appears to have ruled himself out, which has no doubt provoked a huge sigh of relief over at Central Office.
So, that’s Labour done with; but what of the poor old Lib Dems, once more reduced to the single-figure cult they were prior to their marriage with the SDP? With Nick Clegg having retained his seat, that leaves just seven other potential leaders, few of whom could be called household names. Perhaps the most recognisable is Tim Farron, who provided a rare moment of Lib Dem cheer on Election night, holding his seat with a majority of 8,949. Former President of the party, Farron comes across as a straight-talking Northerner and looks like someone who perhaps occasionally eats beans-on-toast in front of the TV in his vest and underpants. Chances are he’s the one who’ll win the vote.
The rest of them provoke shoulder-shrugging indifference, to be honest. In terms of image, Norman Lamb could be a Harley Street surgeon on the cusp of retirement; Alistair Carmichael resembles a League One football manager who once played centre-half for Partick Thistle; and Tom Brake looks like he should be playing bass in a Jam tribute band. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the other three Lib Dem MPs, so unless one of them resembles Aidan Turner, I doubt they’ll be participating in their party’s beauty contest.
So, while the same old faces continue to run the country, the only opposition this side of Hadrian’s Wall has a summer of watching wannabes parade up and down to look forward to. And whoever emerges from the anticipated contestants as a winner will have one hell of a job on his or her hands. Their ambition will have to stretch a little further than working with children and animals.
Petunia Winegum
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May 12, 2015 at 9:18 am -
Very slightly related:
It all sounds a bit “Legs Akimbo” to me…
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May 12, 2015 at 9:21 am -
Unless you live in their constituency you’ll never be able to vote for them anyway, just the same as unless you are George Best, you’ll never get to shag Miss World.
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May 12, 2015 at 11:59 am -
It was reported that a night porter at a 5* hotel, delivering yet another tray of champagne to George Best’s room, found him surrounded by empty fizz-bottles, the giant bed covered in £50 notes and occupied by a replete and naked Miss World. The porter’s question, “Where did it all go wrong, George?” must rank alongside Mrs Merton’s classic to Debbie McGee.
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May 12, 2015 at 7:57 pm -
Unscripted and unpaid, my vote goes to the Porter…
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May 12, 2015 at 9:57 am -
In some ways I’ve got a feeling that the outcome is going to be about as relevant as the result of the Miss UK contest. Unless either of the victors has some, as yet, undisclosed quality, my guess is that the parties will be going through the same process five years from now.
I was talking to a stuanch Labour supporter last Sunday and he said that he couldn’t think of one suitable leadership contender out of the current crop. As for the Liberals, I don’t think it really matters. They appear to be heading the way of the Raphus Cucullatus. Although UKIP ended up with only one seat, the party seems to have replaced the Liberals as the preffered choice of protest voters, especially if Nigel Farage decides to stand for the leadership.
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May 13, 2015 at 9:52 am -
It must have occurred to at least some in the Labour party – “Blair was a success – Who’s currently most like him?”
I would suggest Keir Starmer, with this law background, human rights agenda, and “New Broom” status. The newly elected Labour MP for Holborn & St Pancras, a seat he’s inherited from Frank Dobson as of the general election last week.
I say this, having never voted Labour in my life btw….
Labour needs a new “Big Hitter” to resurrect itself from the ashes of Milliband’s doomed leadership.
imho Chukka (him on the same scrapheap?) Ummana – isn’t that person.
As a person yet to vote Labour – despite having ALWAYS been a “floating voter” – it seems obvious that it is very much the voter just – such as myself – that any revived Labour party has GOT to sell itself to – if they ever want to be elected again.-
May 13, 2015 at 9:58 am -
If the plan comes together, his position becomes absurd, but then the entire concept of “Human Rights” is nothing if not absurd, which is no doubt why the lawyers adore it so much.
http://www.theweek.co.uk/63635/tory-plan-to-scrap-human-rights-act-what-it-means
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May 12, 2015 at 10:13 am -
When Cameron was extending Labour’s absurd and sinister adult extreme porn criminalisation (aimed mainly at the BDSM community) to rape/non consensual “porn” images, in committee, Dan Jarvis (and another Labour banstibator called Sarah Champion) tried to get amendments made to the legislation, extending it even further to include what are obvious staged/unreal images as well. The minister, a Tory, said that this would be unjustified and the government would not contemplate such extensions to the law.
http://www.theyworkforyou.com/pbc/2013-14/Criminal_Justice_and_Courts_Bill/06-0_2014-03-18a.4.0
Even worse, Ed Miliband looked as if he was set to revive Labour’s attempt to introduce a new, all embracing blasphemy law, something which they only just failed to do in 2006 (thanks to the house of Lords and a single vote in the commons) – making abusing/insulting religion, any religion, a criminal offence.
http://www.libdemvoice.org/opinion-labours-unfinished-business-on-religious-hatred-45642.html
I have no love for cast iron Dave, especially with ghastly authoritarian Theresa May still there – but I’m relieved Ed and his gang are not in government.
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May 12, 2015 at 10:27 am -
Sarah Champion?
MP for Rotherham….
Well, you do have to larf dontcha…-
May 12, 2015 at 3:14 pm -
The same.
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May 12, 2015 at 10:56 am -
Of course banning hate speech and blasphemy of ANY religion, is just a proxy way of introducing the illegality of criticising the religion of the State… which will suffer no other gods before it.
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May 12, 2015 at 12:32 pm -
As the Koran is blasphemous, from the point of view of the Church of England, any blasphemy law would have to be carefully worded.
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May 12, 2015 at 3:13 pm -
Don – It would not be. The one they nearly implemented and just failed to in 2006 wasn’t. Labour love laws with subjective words and textual imprecision used for evidence. Kafkaesque catch all laws result. One man’s criticism is another man’s “insult”/ “abuse”. But the Tory public order act, on which the 2006 law piggy backs, is just as bad. When it comes to the vaunted “human rights act” being violated by the passage of such laws, they simply claim their new legislation is actually “compatible” on the grounds of the notorious get outs for the state written into the HRA, which still give governments wide scope for ignoring human rights when they want to do so.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racial_and_Religious_Hatred_Act_2006
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May 12, 2015 at 2:48 pm -
We have the Lord’s amendment to thank that the current law is tough on threats on grounds of religion, but gives solid guarantees of free speech to criticise , insult etc any religion. This was NOT the law Labour wanted at all, and in seeking the Moslem vote Miliband once again revived the threat of imprisonment for people daring to insult religion. That Miliband /Labour can contemplate legislation of this nature shows how dangerously regressive these authoritarian self proclaimed “progressives” actually are. One can imagine the public burnings of all books written which are “anti religious” – Germany 1933 all over again.
Mini Cooper was also ready to implement a law addressing “violence against women” – god knows what that would have been. Possibly it would have banned p3 as something “inciting hatred” of women ( that favourite word of the hate filled left, which they so readily use to smear their enemies).
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May 12, 2015 at 10:53 am -
I hadn’t heard a lot about Dan Jarvis till recently. He sounds an impressive man with life experience – but he has ruled himself out because his wife recently died and he doesn’t want to be away from his kids too much at the moment – thus showing that he is exactly the sort of man people would respect and respond to.
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May 12, 2015 at 11:41 am -
And of course as anyone who has seen the “Party Games” episode of “Yes Minister” will know that for a politician to have “No desires in that direction” or “Wanting to spend more time with the family” means the exact opposite.
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May 12, 2015 at 12:16 pm -
I suspect the ‘family reasons’ story is just that. It is more likely that the smart Mr Jarvis realised that the next Labour leader will probably preside over another defeat, followed by the pressure to resign (ref: William Hague, IDS, Michael Howard etc.), so better to keep one’s powder dry and only offer to lead when there’s some prospect of victory – by 2020, Jarvis will have served 11 years, some probably in the Shadow Cabinet, he’s got as solid a seat as any (Barnsley), so can afford to bide his time. Hence Miliband Senior is also happy to sit it out in New York for now. So the question is, which ‘loser’ do they pick, and therefore does it matter?
The elfin Yvette Cooper has a desperately difficult decision to make – not the decision about whether to enter the leadership race, but now that hubby Ed Balls has lost his seat, she has to decide which of their two houses will she nominate as her primary residence for expenses purposes? It used to be so easy when they could claim for both.
Chuka Umunna is an interesting act – his real forename amongst his pals is ‘Harrison’, but he eschews that for his political career because it sounds more ethnic and down-with-his-people to be called ‘Chuka’. In practice, he’s another Mandelson who mixes it with the upper strata whilst pretending to be in touch with the common folk – and don’t ask too much about the family finances.
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May 12, 2015 at 12:42 pm -
The Tories seem to have seen their Chukka Umuna
http://i.ytimg.com/vi/0D8WO05mxEs/maxresdefault.jpg
and raised the empathy bar a notch:
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/05/12/00/288DC4DF00000578-3077511-image-m-14_1431388342874.jpg -
May 12, 2015 at 1:54 pm -
“In practice, he’s another Mandelson who mixes it with the upper strata whilst pretending to be in touch with the common folk …”
His browser history shows just how easily burst that particular bubble is…
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May 12, 2015 at 2:57 pm -
If we remain in the EU under basically the same terms, it will soon matter little which Establishment clone is nominally boss of the corrupt Potemkin village on the Thames.
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May 12, 2015 at 12:16 pm -
Shuffling deckchairs on the Titanic springs to mind.
If only David Lammy and Diane Abbott step forward as well then the Labour party would be finished for ever. -
May 12, 2015 at 12:44 pm -
Tom Watson is already pan-handling for his deputy-leader campaign fund; I’m terrified to even imagine who HE might fancy working for…
About five minutes after the election Andrew Neil was picking the brains of a Labour stalwart – where should the party be looking for its next leader? The depressing reply was that it should be someone young. And female would be good, too! No mention of policies or aims or beliefs. Window-dressing the ‘everything must go’ liquidation sale. Bah!
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May 12, 2015 at 12:58 pm -
Since he’s pan-handling to be deppity when he has no idea who the sheriff is gonna be, I imagine the answer is… Anyone.
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May 12, 2015 at 1:11 pm -
“Rochdale MP Simon Danczuk may throw his hat in the ring for the Labour deputy leadership.”
They’ll have to come to some sort of an arrangement – all that ‘campaigning’ perhaps about to show its true intent?
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/deputy-labour-leader-simon-danczuk-9231668-
May 12, 2015 at 2:42 pm -
Blimey Bandini; that’s a stonking thread clicking on your name takes us to…
70sgirl
April 14, 2015 at 8:12 am
I’ve sensed some panic recently in the ranks of the most credulous, the most accusatory, the most heinously stupid. Good – it’s time everyone swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and asked some hard questions about those making sales of papers, and reputations, out of allegations which stink like rotting fish. And well they might stink, they’ve been hanging round for long enough.
Why have no press stories examined the claims of Andrea Davison?, ‘ex MI5′ master fraudster, who now also reckons she was at Duncroft, parachuted into Iraq, framed for investigating Bryn Estyn, (add nonsense story as it suits). Why will the media not touch the flaky backgrounds of some of the ‘whistleblowers’? Is it because they have created an atmosphere where they are now afraid to question narratives and names which they have themselves created? All highly embarrassing.-
May 12, 2015 at 4:23 pm -
Frightening thing is, Moor, Davison’s supporters think that her ‘parachuted into Iraq’ claim is meant to be taken literally, and yet still they believe it! Mind you, not many of them seem to put their money where their mouth is – her ‘defense fund’ is still a long way from its target of £100k having stalled at £305!
A bit more about the topic ‘hidden’ in my name here:
https://theneedleblog.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/harvey-proctor-not-a-suspect/comment-page-1/#comment-41815
The owner – in a desperate attempt to shift attention – resorted to smearing me with rubbish he knows to be false & then failing three times to publish my rebuttal. Sorry to bore on with all this, but for anyone interested in the new alliances being forged between politicos/media & their use of the so-called ‘alternative media’ & ‘social media’ to act as their handmaids “at a safe remove”, the case is pretty pertinent, especially given that careers are being built off the back of it (such as those of Danczuk & Watson mentioned above).(One of my unpublished replies here, with apologies for causing work for the link-police: http://oi61.tinypic.com/2iw3s0.jpg )
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May 12, 2015 at 3:33 pm -
Norman Lamb was my MP for many years, and like most of North Norfolk I have reason to be personally grateful to him for his help in battling various PTB. Ask anyone down here, ask any vocal local yokel of whatever political shade and they will all say something “I only got XYZ when Norman Lamb went in to bat for me”. North Norfolkers vote the Man not the party (“such a shame he isn’t a tory” [sic]-Aged Mother Dwarf).
A couple of years ago he knocked on my door and I went out and shook his hand for all his help back when the NHS wanted to fry The Bestes Frau In The World’s brains. He has a particular ‘soft spot’ for mental health issues….if that isn’t an unfortunate choice of phrase. Then I told him that despite my gratitude I still wouldn’t be voting for him because of his party’s Anti-Smoker stance/Victory Packs . He started his reply with “I’m a liberal but…”
Personally I hope he becomes leader of the Not-so-Liberal Democrats, he is as honest and as hardworking -for-his-constituents as they come, and with the exception of his fervent belief in the pseudoscience of the Third Reich , he is about as good as it gets I reckon.
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May 12, 2015 at 3:40 pm -
Andy Burnham would be good for the next Labour leader. As an Everton supporter he is well used to disappointment (and I speak as a lifelong Everton devotee myself)!!
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May 12, 2015 at 3:54 pm -
I suspect the Tory Party would be delighted to face Andy ‘Snuff’ Burnham as Leader of HM Opposition – being single-handledly responsible for more NHS deaths than Dr Harold Shipman ain’t the best starting-point for a Labour leader.
Not for nothing is he known as ‘Snuff’ – he get’s up everyone’s nose.-
May 12, 2015 at 3:58 pm -
Nothing to do with the Liverpool Pathway then…
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May 12, 2015 at 5:02 pm -
Blair was a one off who could have fitted just as easily into the Conservatives or Liberal Democrat parties. Being devoid of principles he decided Labour was his best route to success and it certainly paid off for him if not his party. I do think he corrupted politics with Campbell etc in a way I have never seen before or hopefully since. He understood Middle England in a way Brown and Milliband never could and I can’t see anyone else similar standing for the leadership. Most of my family live in Scotland and are shell shocked by the SNP result, some are pro independence and are pleased but the others say it is mass hysteria, be interesting to see how it works out.
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May 12, 2015 at 5:33 pm -
I’m sure Labour is big enough & will get enough taxpayers money to grow some new people for say 2025. I can’t see anybody at present inspiring the electorate. Umunna may be a peach of a person for all I know but he has that shifty, evasive, desperate to conceal the arrogance look on screen. The hard bit is what will Labour be for? We know what they claim to be against, but it’s hard to imagine many votes in it. More likely Cameron will preside over something that leads to a who’s the least worst? election.
The Libdems are a simpler case I think. Sure they’ve got a solid base of local government seats & a local party machine, but for the life of me I can’t see any reason for their existence. On the political side, they’re flanked by the Greens & Labour, maybe have to hold their noses to join the latter; similarly on the sandals, cycles & windmills front. Apart from their policy of handing over the country to Brussels to run, it’s hard to see any distinct issue to associate with them which would engage the electorate. Perhaps they’re finally dead.
I guess in the end it’s not the credibility of these parties; it’s more likely to be Cameron’s handling of the EU issue, which I don’t think will be easy to swallow, and what happens when Europe gets in to trouble again. -
May 12, 2015 at 7:55 pm -
Not much point in wasting time on speculation, policies of the lib-dems and liebour will henceforth be carried out by one “leader”-camoron.
Reference to his choice of education and energy ministers confirms this view.
Georgie at Treasury has so little to do (just do what the IMF tells him) that he has taken on the deputy PM job, with a nice free house and plenty of free booze.
You got blue liebour this time-windmills, shitty education, appalling NHS, print more money continue to bailout zombie banks-who needs libdems and the commies. SamCam rules OK.
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May 12, 2015 at 8:48 pm -
” Whoever wins will have a hell of a job on his hands. ” Yes it is tricky pretending you are in tune with the electorate when you have no interest in them or their concerns . all you want is their vote . Still that is what they have been doing since entering Wastemonster ,so maybe it is not so bad .
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May 14, 2015 at 9:58 pm -
Cameron may yet surprise us. Down here in Medway, the council has been carved up with the Tories in control – with Labour & UKIP in the sidecars. There’s not even a Libdem left to clean the toilets. Cameron even kept his promise regarding “Kicking Reckless’ arse out of Westminster” which he seems to have duly done via Kelly Tolhurt’s running him over with an extra 10,000 votes from seemingly nowhere since the by-election which Reckless originally won for UKIP last year.
What we couldn’t get in Parliament – we may yet get in the august chambers of the local town halls….
I’m actually more concerned with “Economics for Dummies” George Osbourne who thinks he can borrow his way out of debt where Labour failed.
The Tory outright victory keeps him safely in the job until the next financial crisis – which no doubt will continue to be blamed on “Labour’s Borrowing & Spending” despite it already two parliaments in the past.I’m alarmed in particular by the horrible pension “reform” which merely makes Pensions now within reach of official receivers and con artists alike. There’s no good that can come out of “cashing a pension in early” from what I can see – especially if it’s a GOOD final salary one!
I also disapprove of the insidious way that “future pensioners” are being squared up with the label of “Benefit Scroungers” as well.
I feel that something one has paid into all their life can NEVER be a “scrounge” for that person who paid in over the years.
Are the “to retire over the next twenty years” pensioners-to-be (including many of US) being set up for a “Sorry Bud, the cupboard is bare – we commissioned it all away in tiny drawdowns years ago!”?
This nasty show of unimaginative investing coupled with the over-charging of commissions leads directly to the follow-up announcement:- “Hey Public! – See the bleating pensioner SCROUNGERS who hadn’t put away enough for their retirement over the years!” ….…Never mind that they actually paid in a HUGE amount, but fund manager attrition to the fund over decades has eroded savings pots into too little to provide the decent income the hapless pensioner thought they’d already paid in full for over the years….
I await the first scandals to break…. The flood of them will come once the current round of “final salary maturities” has been passed off….
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