Our mirthless, Eeyorish, lumbering dinosaur of a national broadcasting corporation has finally managed to plant its flat feet firmly in the middle of a contretemps it cannot win.

Astonishing remarks on Top Gear affair as senior BBC boss claims ‘Clarkson is like Savile’ and that ‘Jeremy has personal issues. He is self destructing… he should go into rehab’

‘Cannot win’ because it has united two warring factions in condemnation that had hitherto stood nose to nose, exchanging spittle-flecked fury, confabulation, and whinnying outrage. Now they race neck and neck to be first to demand the head of the Director General on a platter.

Those who claim to be the ‘survivors’ of victimhood by Savile ‘cannot believe’ that the BBC would seek to place the trauma, mental aguish, and debilitating post-traumatic stress of a hand placed on a bum 50 years ago on a par with the paltry fleeting pain of a split lip and a punch on the nose by an irate presenter.

Whilst those who champion the cause of the truly multi-talented Clarkson and worship the ability to drive in endless circles, consuming gallons of fuel, whilst cracking schoolboy jokes are gob-smacked at finding that a well deserved remonstrate towards an incompetent minion should ever be compared to eating babies as a midday snack and making your Mother’s eyeballs into a tasteless bling ring – long before she was dead.

I would say ‘well done, BBC’ for inciting this joint clarigation from such bitter enemies just before an election and the BBC charter renewal, it takes some doing; but I suspect it has long been in the planning.

This isn’t about Clarkson, or Savile, or even Farage. This is about the election.

This is about the progressive liberal forces that have infested the BBC and the media, promoted by Labour, who now see their previously safe position from where they decide how we should think; whom it is acceptable to hate, who to love, what we should eat, what we should be repulsed by, be in fear of, entertained by, at risk of being diluted by ‘other’ voices.

I don’t wish to sound extremist, but I have no doubt that if every signatory to this petition were boiled down for biofuel, the world would be a cleaner, smarter place.

What is Danny Cohen’s vision of ‘acceptable broadcasting’? A world where Jeremy Clarkson can get away with saying that immigrants should be boiled down for biofuel – or a world where the New Statesman can confidently suggest, as it did above, that Clarkson supporters should be boiled down for biofuel?

A Top Gear that rates cars on the ease of fitting baby seats? That focuses on the speedometer hovering at 28 miles per hour and its bio-fuel economy whilst it creeps round the track, with an earnest voice-over taking the manufacturers to task for using mercury in the manufacture of the widget that holds the gear stick in place in case future generations end up with too many filled teeth?

Grand Prix coverage dominated by Lewis Hamilton reciting his lentil and organic carrot soup recipe and humbly apologising for using 15 gallons of precious earth resources in order to reach the track – before telling us that the race is off out of respect for atrocities committed in Turkey 200 years ago?

Will they leave off the ritual humiliation of Nigel Farage if his manifesto agrees that he will make all national decisions at the behest of a committee of Mumsnet contributors, give up the evil booze and fags, and pass a law turning all pubs into free creches?

Shall they dump Woman’s Hour and have Allah’s Hour instead?

Let us have a BBC comprised of Lesbians, gay men, immigrants, disabled people, vegetarians, cyclists, smokeophobes, people who are passionate about climate change, women in general and a side order of female victims, lots of Muslims, in fact all those people who like to portray themselves as marginalised, outliers – yet are in fact the pumping, beating heart of the organisation.

But let it be a subscription service, paid for by their fellow travellers – a levy on the Guardian, the Opera Houses, the National Trust and anyone with a second home in Cornwall. They can even have their own MP if they want, just the one, to represent their interests, since they all apparently have identical interests. Member for the Republic of Guardianshire.

Never again need they trouble themselves to pour bile and hatred, masquerading as ‘cutting edge comedy’ on the rest of we unreformed dinosaurs. We ordinary folk, who still enjoy the smile on a baby’s face as we go eeeny, meeny miny moe whilst playing with their toes. Who eat steak, and drive cars because it is the only way we can get to work, and ask only to have some light entertainment at the end of the day – not re-programming.

I don’t support Clarkson thumping a colleague – assuming that he did.

I can, however, perfectly understand the frustration of finding yourself faced with one of those robotic, smirking, ‘oh purlese don’t talk to me like that Jeremy, I’ll have to report you to Health and Safety and you won’t like that’ mincing apparitions that the BBC is so fond of employing, at the end of a long hard day. There’s only so much any human being can stand – and Jeremy is a human being. He deserves to be punished for snapping – he should have kicked the hotel cat, but in luvvy-land that would probably have caused an even bigger outcry.

Never mind what Jeremy did – will someone please explain to me why my licence fee goes towards paying a wet behind the ears kiddo who can’t even make sure the star, the generator of his income, gets a hot square meal at the end of the day? What is the point of an ‘assistant’ producer if it’s not to make sure what is being produced gets everything it needs to go on producing?

The BBC executive’s comments to the Mail on Sunday can only have been made from a state of shock – to find that there are at least 850,000 individuals out there who haven’t yet been successfully programmed . They had no idea!

People’s Tribunal? We need a People’s Television Service. Whilst we’re about it, a People’s Government wouldn’t be a bad idea. Preferably headed by a People’s Prime Minister. This Establishment Leftie/Righty Aristocracy have ruled our roost and bullied everyone in their path for long enough.

This is formal warning that Ms Raccoon will in future be campaigning for UKIP. Ms Raccoon will be voting UKIP. Never thought I would say that. I suggest you all do too.

No idea where they will lead the country, none of their manifestoes are worth the paper they’re written on – but at least you get the impression that they will be leading it where the majority of ordinary people want to go. The people who earn their inflated wages, not the ones who spend them.

Common Sense and Plain Speaking.

I’m sick to death of being offended by the politically correct.