Peeling back the layers of superstition and obfuscation, rumour and contradiction, behind which the world’s major religions and belief systems conceal their origins is never easy. Did Moses come down this side of the Mountain – or that? Who did Mohammad first convince that the way forward was to conceal their women in yards of black linen – an overstocked black linen salesman?

The newer religions are somewhat easier to track from first ‘shaft of blinding inspiration’ to first ‘convert’. In California (where else) the Mother of a two year old autistic child channelled the words of wisdom that her little boy was prone to spout regarding the spiritual necessity of worshipping an anthropomorphic vegetable. An Onion, since you ask. Stay with me on this one.

So blinded by inspiration at this revelation was she, that she registered a not-for-profit organisation – The Harnessing Happiness Foundation’, which according to the New York times has 501c3 accreditation, meaning it is entitled to receive tax free donations – though if you or any US reader can find it on the IRS site, you are a better researcher than me, Gunga Din. There is a Happiness Foundation, which apparently spreads happiness through ‘custodial sentences’, which may be a somewhat one-sided happiness, and wishes to ‘Save the Rain’ (not the rainforest) but no trace of anyone bringing tears of happiness via the humble, but duly worshipped, Onion. *Update*. It is apparently the same organisation.

Undaunted by these technical details, The Happiness Foundation spread news of insight gained by peeling its Onion – motto apparently is: Peel it – feel it – heal it. I am not making this up – it comes directly from ‘Onionhead’s’ very own web site. Soon they were marketing Onionhead badges, producing Onionhead inspirational postcards, and laying down rules which Onion worshipers must follow or be excommunicated.

20 years later, one of Onionhead’s leaders, Denali Jordon had become so enamoured of the wisdom of Onion that she decided it should become mandatory in the department of United Health Programs of America where she works. All employees were ordered to worship the vegetable and memorise its key tenets:

Solutions: Solutions to everyday problems

Authenticity: Knowledge of what we feel and what to do with what we feel

Love: Ways to our heartfelt intelligence

Answers: Steps to a peaceful existence for ourselves

Disciplines: Inroads to wisdoms

Employees were forced, on pain of being fired, to take part in group prayers, candle burning and spiritual-text discussions, proudly display their ‘I worship an Onion’ badge, and litter their desks with Onion’s inspirational readings. I’m not quite sure why they were ordered to dim all lighting; presumably Onion doesn’t like bright lights. Furthermore, employees were required to say ‘I love you’ to managers on a daily basis…

Anyway, three brave employees stood up to this, asserting their rights under America’s anti-discrimination laws. Elizabeth Ontaneda, Francine Pennisi, and Faith Pabon (Oh ye of little Faith…) balked when invited to enjoy one-on-one sessions with Onion’s anointed leader to discuss ‘moral codes’ and ‘divine plans’. Francine found herself out of a job and replaced by a large statue of Buddha. Elizabeth was declared to have been possessed by the Devil. Faith said that worship of an Onion conflicted with her Catholic beliefs in a Sky-Pixie. All three of them were fired.

Now the US version of the Equalities Commission is suing the company under anti-discrimination laws.

What is fascinating me is that ONLY three of the employees complained. The rest of them are presumably quite happy lapping up Onion’s words of wisdom…

Now, be honest; isn’t your Boss starting to look like the most rational, reasonable, human being after reading this?

Meet Onion. Yes, that really is him, there are dozens of his offerings on Youtube.

Tagged as: Anti-Discrimination Laws, Denali Jordon, Elizabeth Ontaneda, Equality Commission, Faith Pabon, Francine Pennisi, Onionhead, United Health Programmes of America