The urbane Kier Starmer and the somewhat more downmarket, but undoubtedly charming, Kieran Parsons (pictured left) may not appear to have much in common – but they are both looking to cure their unemployment problems by clinging to the tail of the same Tiger. A Tiger called ‘victimhood’.
Not that either of them seek to be ‘victims’. Good Lord No! They have both seen the fame and the fortune of other men, previously unemployed and bereft of income, who have positioned themselves in the burgeoning market of evangelising TV celebrity and moral guardian.
Kier Starmer has laid out his ‘Starmer-rama‘ – a woolly wide-eyed perspective of how, now that he is no longer in secure employment as an essential cog of the English judicial system, he could, or would, continue to meddle in its affairs. Presumably we have to be daft enough to vote him into place as a Member of Parliament first, but I guess in somewhere like Hartlepool, that could be arranged.
“Criminal Justice fails the Vulnerable” he whines. That in itself is a deeply troubling prospect, after all, our criminal justice was fashioned a millennium ago specifically to protect the vulnerable against the power of the Crown; if it still can’t do that…
What Kier means, I assume, is that having been told repeatedly by Kier’s like minded friends, lawyers, ‘victim advocates’ and assorted moral guardians that no matter how ludicrous their evidence, ‘they will be believed’ – some witnesses in court cases, and inquests, are reeling away from recent show trials in total shock at finding that ‘Criminal Justice’ doesn’t mean one more gentle romp through your ‘credible evidence’ with a suitably sensitive ‘accredited counsellor’. It actually means that 12 ordinary men and women from your local neighbourhood may well decide that the ‘credible evidence’ ain’t so flipping credible once it leaves the consulting rooms of the gullible.
Indeed, some of those juries have responded with the – what is the correct legal term for this? (Let me consult the august ex-Director of Public Prosecutions, he surely has the perfect quasi-legal term for the occasion – there it is…..!) “Fuck-off” they say, “we don’t believe you”. When you have spent months being groomed by people who have been on the all the right ‘victim-aware’ courses, undergoing appraisal by common-sense-Joe-Public-in-the-street can be a traumatising experience. It’s called a jury, Kier – not criminal justice ‘system’, you and that Vera retrained the rest of the donkeys – but you can’t figure a way in which to send every last person liable to be called for jury duty onto ‘victim-aware’ courses, to be denuded of common sense. He appears to think that the delicate anonymous victims shouldn’t even be in a court room – that is only for the named and shamed guilty men….
Kieran, on the other hands, is perfectly happy with the judicial system as it is. He wishes to make more use of it. Having witnessed the meteoric rise to fame and fortune of others who once pounded the streets looking for discarded chewing gum, he fancied the same career path. No qualifications? Tick. Unemployed? Tick. Friends in the TV and light entertainment business? – er No! Kieran was enterprising though. Full marks to him.
With a mobile phone and a Youtube account, anyone can be a child protection expert and TV journalist these days. Kieran goes on line to 18 + dating sites, chats up lonely old men, then arranges to meet them. Just as they are about to meet, he sends them a text message telling them that actually he, or rather the ‘she‘ ‘he‘ is meant to be, is actually 11 or 14 or any age under 18 – and confronts them as they flee with noisy allegations that they are a ‘paedophile’. The resulting mobile phone images are displayed on Youtube. ‘Credible allegations’, see.
Kieran’s Youtube footage of lonely bewildered old men fleeing from violent confrontation with a trio of tattooed hoodies has now become so popular that Channel 4 have offered him his own programme slot…though Warwickshire Police don’t seem too enamoured of this rival to Mark Williams-Thomas’s ‘To catch a predator’ on ITV.
At first sight, it is not obvious why they are not so keen on Kieran following in Mark’s footsteps to fame and fortune – perhaps it is something to do with Mark having the wit to only target harmless dead or foreign paedophiles – whereas Kieran and his friends have left a distressing trail behind them of suicides; turf wars (there are only so many paedophiles to go round folks!); threats to ‘out’ not just paedophiles but paedo-hunters as well; injuries to life and limb, and copy cat attempts by others trying to climb the greasy ladder of TV celebrity paedo-hunter.
All in all, Kieran, alias ‘Stinson Hunter’, is keeping Warwickshire Police pretty busy, which must be jolly annoying when they are fully occupied trawling back through their records to find out whether they ever did hear anything about an 83 year old TV celebrity who may or may not have put his hand on the bum of a teen-age fan, 50 years ago. Doesn’t Kieran realise that the Police have real work to do!
So what will the BBC do about this two pronged attack on their ratings? Kit out Kier Starmer in pink underpants and a wig to prowl the streets of Salford as the star of ‘Paedo-hunter – the public service version’? (Available on BBC iPlayer).
‘Be careful out there, the streets are getting crowded’!