All bound for Bongo Bongo Land

This week I went for a short break in the sun, and I found myself sipping a large gin and quinine whilst looking out from the Bongo Bongo Beach Bar and Grill. It was a beautiful vista, close to Bulimia, the capital of Bongo Bongo Land and built on the edge of the jungle and beside the deep blue Indian Ocean. On the beach, child soldiers playfully toyed with their rusty Kalashnikovs, whilst behind the bar on Highway Mugabe, black Mercedes whizzed past the shanty towns, taking the members of the Politburo and drugs barons to their afternoon assignations at the Blood Diamond Hotel and Theme Park (no pets).

In fact, all the members of the Politburo of the People’s Democratic Republic of Bongo Bongo Land come from just one of the country’s 16 tribal ethnic groups, the Fuckawi clan (clan motto: We’re The Fuckawi!).  And despite the country being rich in reserves of the aforementioned diamonds, platinum, gold, uranium, coal, oil and gas, apart from the Fuckawi clan, most of the seventeen million citizens of Bongo Bongo Land live in abject poverty and get by on less than $1 dollar a week.

Both of these possibly unfortunate facts can be attributed to the trauma of Western Imperialism. In 1765, a Portuguese missionary arrived in the country after getting lost, but died of the dreaded Bongo fever three days later. This traumatic intervention by the forces of Colonialism wreaked havoc on the national psyche of Bongo Bongo which was never reversed.

Other interesting facts about Bongo Bongo Land are these:

There is only one radio station, called Radio Bongo. The only music which is played is the national anthem, “Stand Up, We’re the Fuckawi!”, sung by Emile Sande.

Bong Bongo Land received £27,000,000 in aid from the UK taxpayer last year, and another £12,000,000 from Comic Relief. There used to be a statue of Richard Curtis in Bulimia’s main square, but it was stolen and melted down.

Bongo Bongo Land hosts an annual fact finding delegation from the EU. Officials and EU chiefs are always housed at the Emirates Palace Hotel, Abu Dhabi, from where their excellent internet access allows them full access to research materials about Bongo Bongo Land.

In Bongo Bongo Land it is traditional to throw acid over 18 year old aid workers working for free to educate the poor.

Most children in Bongo Bongo Land say that when they grow up they want to be a Premier League Footballer or an illegal immigrant.

But, of course, I jest and none of this is quite true. However, it has been a big week for Bongo Bongo Land, which for so long has been unmentionable. This is of course thanks to UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom, a man with all the political sensitivities of a member of the Tunbridge Wells Golf Club circa 1952, and his proclamation that British Aid should not be wasted on the good citizens of “Bongo Bongo Land” and the like.

And despite this alleged breach of PC convention, Godfrey remained unrepentant. But it seemed that his observations caused not simply wailing and gnashing of teeth in Islington, Hampstead and Tuscany, and in the corridors of the BBC, but a great deal of amusement in the “thank God someone has stepped out of line” sort of way. My Twitter account can hardly be said to constitute a scientific sample, but it was alight with Bongo Bongo puns, Bongo Bongo names and facts, and I am now able to follow the Official Twitter Account of the Government of Bongo Bongo Land, @BongoGov (well, one of the many).

What is going on here? Perhaps nothing significant at all, but perhaps something which Our Lords And Masters really do not like – dissent from the orthodox and official line. I really do not think I would consider it good manners to refer to my excellent locum GP who treated me with courtesy and kindness this week as a citizen of Bongo Bongo Land. But equally, I would regard it as perfectly realistic to express the sentiment that vast quantities of aid given to Africa and elsewhere go to line the pockets of corrupt governments, politicians and dictators, and that this has been a longstanding scandal.

Really, Mr. Bloom is the political equivalent of the naughty little boy who says a rude word in front of the teacher, and then says it again, much to the delight of the rest of us who fear detention. There is a certain amount of joy to be had in anything which scandalizes the elite and breaks the taboos which are imposed by them. Whether there is any wider significance is another matter. My sense of it is that although most people would not choose to be quite so tactless, there is a real dissatisfaction with what has for so long been the Westminster/intellectual elite’s strictures on the topics such as immigration and foreign aid. That attitude was best illustrated by Gordon Brown labeling a perfectly loyal Labour voter Gillian Duffy a “bigot”, because she voiced perfectly valid concerns about the number of Eastern European immigrants in her area. UKIP may yet become the vehicle of protest for many who have these concerns but have felt that they had no way of expressing them. More people would be happy as members of the Tunbridge Wells Golf Club circa 1952 than Mr. Cameron, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Miliband would like.

What we need to do, going forward

I had to turn off my radio this week. Specifically, I had to turn off Radio 4’s PM programme as my tolerance threshold was breached and overwhelmed by the repetition of a particular phrase. I suspect that almost all politicians and most who make their money as spokespersons for interest groups and as self appointed “community leaders” and “opinion formers” go on media awareness courses, where they are taught to be offensively glib, bland and bossy.

I don’t know if it is just me, but I have started to notice a new phrase which these media whores are using all the time, as the standard response to almost every question asked or point raised.

“What we need to do…”

In interview after interview this phrase was deployed like bullets from an automatic gun being used by a child; in massive amounts, pointlessly and randomly.

Should people be properly punished for keeping dangerous dogs?

“What we need to do is educate people…”

Should there be minimum pricing for alcohol?

“What we need to do is change people’s behaviour so that…”

Should nasty bullying children be thrown out of school where they are making good children’s life hell?

“What we need to do is create a holistic environment…”

It seems that this seemingly innocuous phrase is now the default starting point for anyone who (a) does not want to answer a question, and (b) wants to impose some obligation on me, to which I have no interest or desire in supporting or being subject to.

Who is this “We”?  Notwithstanding my occasional visits to Twitter, I am not, as far as I am aware, part of some androgynous hive-mind, governed by a spin doctor in SW1.  Nor do I, particularly, want to be held responsible for things which are not my proper responsibility. I  have my own views, and my own agenda, and I don’t like being told that “I” need to be doing something because someone else has royally ballsed things up and not done their job properly.

But if there is one thing which is guaranteed to wind me up even more, it is the appalling fad for the new phrase, “going forward”.

As in:-

“Going forward, there must be a change in the culture of [the Department] [the Social Workers] [The Hospital] [fill in the unit of incompetence of your choice].”

Or:

“No one person is to blame, there have been systemic failures, but going forward…”

Going forward? As opposed to what? Going backwards in time and changing the entire history of the Universe? Walking backwards? Cycling sideways?

And God will forgive me if and when I next hear the two clichés run together. I will not be responsible for my actions!

“Going forward, what we need to do is…..”

Aaaaaaaargh!

Green Light For Feminism

Finally, it has been a good week for feminism. Or a bad one. Depending on how one looks at it.  I mentioned recently the retirement of the great James Alexander Gordon, whose gentle and rich tones have so long been a feature of so many people’s lives by reading out the football results on a Saturday evening. Who could possibly replace this icon of diction? Who would be fit to grace his metaphorical boots? What man would be up to the task?

Remember that bit in The Lord of The Rings when the Lord of the Ringwraiths is being faced by the Lady Eowyn in full armour?

“Thou fool”, he cries, “No living man may hinder me!”

“But no living MAN am I!” she replies defiantly, before revealing her identity by taking off her helmet and then sticking a broadsword right where it made his demonic eyes water. No?

Well, anyway, for once, may I compliment the Beeb on a solution of genius? No living man will replace the beloved JAG as he was known. Instead it is to be Charlotte Green, the Pride of Radio 4. A woman will read the football results! But before the Sisters get all crazy for this triumph of new feminism, they may have to grapple with the potentially awkward facts that the fabulous Ms. Green does not have an Estuary English squawk or regional drone. She has the husky, carefully modulated and frankly rather overtly sexy tones which would make a Home Counties dominatrix green with jealousy. Or so I am told, not regularly moving in those circles.

It is a triumphant choice. Not because she is a woman, but because she is a wonderful announcer and presenter.

And, for those who wish to recall or have not heard it, she was also part of Radio 4 legend for famously “losing it” (corpsing, I think it is called) on the Today Programme…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJdlF-DCUKs

I can’t wait for Forfar 5, Fife 4….

Gildas the Monk

right_writes
August 12, 2013 at 09:23

Good stuff Anna…

However, I take exception to this: “This is of course thanks to UKIP MEP
Godfrey Bloom, a man with all the political sensitivities of a member of the
Tunbridge Wells Golf Club circa 1952…”

The speech in which a well oiled Godfrey made those remarks was a fund
raiser, and it was more than two months before they were made public… In other
word and “going forward” all thanks are due to the Grauniad, likely from a
prompt by a “spin doctor” (possibly Crosby?), and engineered to appear on our
screens and scandal sheets everywhere at the same time, for maximum impact… I
can imagine someone like Crosby… tucked away in a little office somewhere…
“What we need to do, is…”

And the rest is history… Another Clarkian moment.

As for his political sensitivities… I happen to know that some of his best
friends are…

JimS August 11, 2013 at 22:28

‘Going forward’ is just a variation on ‘forward planning’ and just as
stupid.

Another one that annoys me is ‘road map’, what is wrong with ‘plan’, a word
that can cover everything from a concept to a room layout. Surely a ‘road map’
is a special form of map, one that shows roads rather than, say, railways (NOT
‘train lines’!) or canals. Goodness knows what it has to do with political
negotiations.

As to ‘The Pride of Radio 4′, well she was made redundant, (and presumably
paid off), earlier this year, so why is she now coming back?

Turdson Minor
August 11, 2013 at 21:20

Apparently bongos originated from Cuba. Presumably Mr Bloom is therefore
not a bongocero?
Ian Smith was right.

Ed P August 11, 2013 at 19:59

You malign Mr. Bloom unfairly. He did not proclaim that British Aid should
not be wasted on the good citizens, but rather accurately pointed out that Aid
does not reach the good citizens, as it’s all stolen by politicians,
administrators, etc. Although his use of “bongo” was perhaps ill-considered
(it’s actually an antelope), everything else he said was quite reasonable
(before it was garbled and distorted for cheap political point-scoring).
An
amusing post none the less, but unfortunately seemingly based on second-hand
information.

suspicious August 11, 2013 at 19:03

Interesting how those who have made themselves rich with our money like to
spread it about a bit. To qualify for a slice of the pie though, you have to
be ‘one of them’. Doesn’t matter where you live, or even your political
persuasion. You could be nasty dictator in a developing country or big-mouth
politician in the UK, you just have to be a member of their special club.

As for the rest of us, of course, it’s a different story. We get the
privilege of paying in, but getting little out. And what little we do get,
we’re expected to be grateful!

cascadian August 11, 2013 at 18:01

You took a vacation in Newham? Why would you do that? Silly monk.

Bobby August 12, 2013 at 09:54

Enough with the Americanisms already

cascadian
August 12, 2013 at 17:50

Surely a monk knows the difference between a holy-day and a vacation.

Jonathan Mason
August 11, 2013 at 16:47

“Rastaman, live up!
Bongoman, don’t give up!
Congoman, live up,
yeah!
Binghi-man don’t give up!
Keep your culture:
Don’t be afraid of
the vulture!” [Bob Marley: Rastaman Live Up]

Bob Marley’s press agent was unavailable for comment.

Major Bonkers
August 15, 2013 at 09:07

A clear case worthy of investigation by specialist anti-racism officers
from the Met’s ‘Operation Bongotree’.

therealguyfaux
August 11, 2013 at 14:46

“We may wish to” (another verbal accessory) — anyway, we may wish to strip
Cliff Richard of his knighthood, as he had the remarkable insensitivity to
have starred in a film called Expresso Bongo lo these many decades ago,
playing a character named Bongo!

I mean, as long as we’re going back decades to crucify old men for acts
committed in their much younger days, which no-one said boo about then or
thought very much about. And this is one allegation about HIM, specifically,
that you can certainly prove.

God Bloom, at 63, may be a bit on the young side for that sort of
who-did-he-shag-that-he-oughtna-done sort of witch hunt, but hey, you never
know…any man who could say something as atrocious as “Bongo Bongo Land” MUST
have plenty of other skeletons in the closet (did I just say “closet”?)! We
must get to the bottom of this (did I just say “bottom”?)!

You laugh, but trust me, a certain type of mentality out there does operate
exactly this way.

The Blocked Dwarf
August 11, 2013 at 13:38

Perhaps the Landlady might like to consider booking Mr Bongo ( http://tinyurl.com/lo4edyr
)for her next Live Music event….

Major Bonkers
August 15, 2013 at 09:03

It is a little-known fact that the People’s Democratic Republic of Bongo
Bongo Land was previously a monarchy (of the absolutist type). The King of
Bongo made a trip to the young Queen Elizabeth’s coronation (1953), where he
was confused by Richard Dimbleby as being part of the Queen of Tonga’s
retinue and consequently made little impression. He was deposed by an armed
forces coup in the mid-60s, itself bankrolled and supported by the USSR. His
successor as head of state was His Excellency, President for Life, Field
Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Fuckawi Bongo, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts
of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of Imperialism in General
and Bongo Bongo Land in Particular.

King Ali of Bongo died in exile in 1972.

His son, the pretender, works as a Ferrari salesman in Des Moines, Iowa.
He also has a sideline as an aspiring musician (of the populist type), and
his plaintive work can be found on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJMLJVha5sw He is available
to be booked as a children’s entertainer.

Daedalus
Parrot August 11, 2013 at 13:17

If Silvio Berlusconi held a party in Bongo Bongo Land and invited some
rubber bung salesmen and explosives manufacturers there for a game of
housey-housey, would it be called a Bongo Bongo bungers’ and bangers’ Bunga
Bunga bingo? Just curious.

(I’ll get me coat)

AndrewWS August 11, 2013 at 12:50

My late father used to know James Alexander Gordon (member of the same
masonic lodge in London).

JAG was (presumably still is) a short bloke with one lame leg (polio) and
one artificial one (real one lost in a motor accident, IIRC). Despite this, or
because of his voice, he used to get tons of fanmail from ladies, some of it
enclosing their undies, and some making indecent suggestions. One rich lady
managed to find out where he lived and sent her chauffeur and Rolls to collect
him every morning. He managed to avoid it by using a different exit.

Moral for blokes: if you want totty, cultivate a nice voice and, if
possible, go on the wireless.

binao August 11, 2013 at 12:16

Just a thought about the velvet throated Charlotte Green reading out the
football results; why?
Never much into football, but I did the pools for
decades, and I’m guessing that’s what the Saturday night radio ritual was
for.
Do football pools still exist?

bobby August 11, 2013 at 11:29

feminism is a blight on mankind. we should roll, roll, roll back the clock.
kinder, kirche, küche. any woman without children should be put into work
camps so that they do not take valuable work away from men who have wives and
children to support.

Yvonne August 11, 2013 at 11:02

There’s a big misunderstanding here. I doubt that “aid” is intended to help
the poorest in any recipient country. Aid is a convenient euphemism for what
would otherwise have to be called Bribery, designed to keep on side the rulers
for the time being of the recipient country. Otherwise known as “pocket book
diplomacy”.

Captain
Ranty August 11, 2013 at 11:15

A plausible explanation.

But why bother with the big speeches, the debates in parliament and the
nauseating press releases?

Why don’t they cut the crap and just send the money directly to a
numbered account in the Caymans? That’s the end result so let’s just do
that.

CR.

Yvonne August 11, 2013 at 12:14

Because politicians like the sound of their own voices? Because they
need to be seen to “engage” with whatever is the issue of the day?
Because, often, More Talk = Less Action?

Captain
Ranty August 11, 2013 at
12:32

Ah.

Joe Public August 11, 2013 at 10:49

And in a timely reminder that it’s not just despots who benefit from
the UK public’s taxation, so generously given away by our government, today
Aunty reports:-

“UK aid supplies lost to Somali militants. Humanitarian aid supplies worth
£480,000 – funded by UK taxpayers – were seized by al-Qaeda-linked militants
in Somalia, it has emerged.

Supplies were in warehouses captured in a raid by al-Shabab in November
2011, the Department for International Development’s (DfID) accounts
reveal.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23653789

Andrew S. Mooney
August 11, 2013 at 10:37

Don’t forget that Bongo Bongo land has a space program, Bongsat 3, that is
being launched on a Chinese made rocket. However, because of the limited
technology in their country, Bongsat 3 is being made in Surrey, and the money
for this satellite is being advanced to Bulimia by London to maintain
industrialisation and advanced technology fabrication in that remote and
benighted region of the commuter belt.

As Sky Television constantly points out during advert breaks, when they are
not showing the good work of child and puppy rescuers, the average Bonglian
child needs just £2 a month to see her through school. She wants to be a
Doctor and come to Britain to work in the NHS. So it’s paying off in a
definite way.

This is because Bongsats 1 and 2 were small payloads, whose delivery
rockets exploded on the launch pad. They are devices left over from the civil
war that occurred in the 1990′s, that were adapted for their new role by
technicians from the Islamic Republic of Crapsackistan, presently subject to
UN sanctions.

The Chinese have stepped into this impasse to development, and offered to
Help…At the same time as inspecting western technology. No one sees anything
wrong or dangerous in any of this.

Captain
Ranty August 11, 2013 at 10:29

Dear Mr The Monk,

Your parody is closer to real events than you might imagine.

As a frequent visitor to Bongo Bongo Land I can affirm it. I have, for my
sins, visited 32 of the 56 nations in BBL, over the last 20 years.

What did they do with all the aid?

A reasonable question, it is well presented, and it deserves an answer.

Fuck all.

At least, fuck all for the people. There are more Bentley’s, more DB9′s,
more Ferrari’s than ever before, and the houses of the well-to-do are bigger,
shinier, and better protected. I would say that there are more people wearing
Ray-Bans but I don’t think they wear that cheap shit any more. At the airports
I see more and more private jets, as the wealthy prefer not to travel
alongside the great unwashed. Traffic jams are frequent (the locals call them
a ‘go slow’) and they are caused much of the time by fleets of 7 Series BMW’s
rushing hither and yon, accompanied usually, by half a dozen cop cars with
lights flashing and sirens blaring to clear the oiks out of the way.

After all the billions, the roads should be better, the hospitals should be
attending to those with illness but without money, there should be fewer
beggars on the streets, and the people should be a damn sight happier.

They aren’t, they aren’t, there aren’t, and they aren’t.

Now, I’m not saying that the poor do not benefit in any way from the
billions in aid. I’m not saying that at all.

I’m just saying that as a man who spends 6-8 months in BBL every year, I
have seen no evidence of it.

CR.

Dioclese August
11, 2013 at 10:01

A very nicely worded piece on Bongo Bongo, far superior to my feeble effort
http://dioclese.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/doing-bongo-bongo.html
although, going forward, we are clearly singing from the same hymn sheet. Am I
allowed to say that or it is non-PC to mention religion?

Joe Public August 11, 2013 at 09:45

Yet another astonishingly accurate Sunday Sermon, Gildas. Thank you.

During your excursion to the ex-colonial lands, did you happen to notice
the proliferation of Chinese resource-extraction advisors who at least acquire
tangible assets for their government, in exchange for the
‘foreign-presidential-aid’?

Engineer August 11, 2013 at 09:20

But, going forward, who is going to read the football results on
BongoFM?

cascadian August 11, 2013 at 18:17

David dim-moron should be available in a couple of months. Do they have a
minority hire programme in BongoBongo land?

Mac August 11,
2013 at 08:43

“What we need to do…” Interesting. The last TV survey I conducted, some
time ago and under carefully controlled conditions, found “Well, I think….” or
slight variations, to be the most used none-answer.
http://foggy-mirror.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/and-then-well-i-think.html

Cynic August 11, 2013 at 08:43

May I add to the appalling list of cliches and mangled English, now
endorsed by even the BBC, the expression “On a xxxxxx basis” – insert “daily”,
“monthly” etc. as required. Why do we need four words to replace one (e.g. we
wash our dirty laundry in public weekly) or at best, two (e.g. Politicians lie
every day)?