Gunboat Diplomacy.

It sounds grand doesnât it? Britain sending a gun boat to sort out those pesky Spanish? Actually an aircraft carrier, HMS Illustrious â pity she doesnât have any aircraft any more, what with the Harriers having bit the dust and all that. Still, I donât suppose the Spanish will laugh too much. It could have been worse, in these touchy-feely days of âgreenâ policies I shouldnât have been surprised to hear that we had dispatched the royal barge Gloriana with a crew of iPod listening marines straining at the oars. Ready to burst into tears if the Spanish nicked their iPods.
Iâm told that if you take the total length of the much disputed âterritorial watersâ round Gibraltar as being 12 miles â then HMS Illustrious has 70 square miles to patrol. 70 square miles filled with tourists on jet skis dodging Spanish bullets, grieving relatives attempting to scatter ashes (the Spanish tried to forcibly tow them into Algeciras, the doughty British coastal patrol snuck up and cut the tow rope â thatâs the spirit lads!) cigarette smugglers by the dozen in fast rubber boats, Spanish fishermen looking for the last of the herrings, not to mention the concrete blocks Gibraltar is reputed to have sunk to deter âillegalâ fishing â then the expected arrival of HMS Westminster and HMS Montrose poses a major problem â where are you going to put them? There wonât be enough water left to float a rubber duck.
Spain has apparently sold £145 million quids worth of 40-year-old Mirage jets to Argentina â thatâll frighten the RAF in the Falklands, I donât think. Neither Spain nor Britain can afford the money for so much as a single bullet, so why the sabre rattling? Is it just to keep the financial scandals off the front page during the month of August?
Gibraltar is a curious place at the best of times. I went there 30 years â some ten years after husband No 1 had written a turgid pot boiler for W H Smith lauding the British Royal Family. I think he sold around 100 copies in Britain, but there in Gibraltar, 10 years later, amongst the Bobbies sweltering in blue helmets, the red phone boxes, fluttering union jacks, were hundreds of copies of said tome. Every shop had dozens of copies pinned up outside. The island was plastered with them. It was surreal sight.
What happened to the EU and its free movement of workers? Its commitment to bringing peace and harmony to Europe? And why did we have to âsendâ a gunboat to Gibraltar â if itâs such a strategic post for us, why wasnât one permanently stationed there? What good does it do in Portsmouth?
Ooh, look! HMS Illustrious sets sail with a full compliment of cuddly toys on boardâ¦I might have known Cameron wouldnât send her off with live bullets. Far too expensive, and what would that nice Mr Clegg of the Spanish wife say?
Rule Britannia!
August 12, 2013 at 15:52
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Just one criticism of an otherwise good article. The Royal Marines did not
cry when the naughty Iraqis took their IPods away, it was the pathetic
creature that is a matelot (or sailor to you all) that burst into tears at
that extremely vicious torture technique. Just saying
August 9, 2013 at 22:43
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This should work out well.
If I recall correctly, your PM Mr dim-moron issued similar orders when he
was conducting the Libyan fiasco (that one worked really well, bringing much
less democracy to many more brown people, well done dave.) A certain HMS
Liverpool was on station in the Mediterranean and showed its might by firing
flares, then in true Liverpool fashion started begging for armaments from
foreign nations, and probably applying for compo when they came under fire
from Libyan shore batteries.
Are there now none of her majestyâs ships on-station in the Mediterranean?
Or was Liverpool too huge of a fiasco to be repeated?
August 9, 2013 at 14:40
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The east west stand-off gets worse.
A Russian based website is refusing to to reply to reply to charges
levelled by the Daily Mail.
What will the Spaniards make of this? They could block the flotilla.
But hang on. Seems it already had put its house in order. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chatroulette
Could this be a fake site apeing the legit one?
August 9,
2013 at 13:34
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Can one say that this is a classic case of Spanish Practices without the
faux outraged sending El Moustachio round to dance a fandango? The Spanish
claimed 69 square miles of Gib waters as the Estrecho Oriental under EU
environmental law by virtue of not telling Britain and Gib beforehand and our
brilliant EU civil servants not reading the papers before the relevant meeting
where it was accepted. Little â7.96 litreâ Hague wailed after Britain lost its
appeal about the ââCommissionâs deficient processes, lack of transparency and
consultationâ. And Dave âNice but Dimâ reckons he can negotiate with those
crooks.
Perhaps the Gib government should invite the USN to leave Naval Station
Rota just along the coast by Cadiz and set up shop, rent free, on the Rock.
That would really show the worth of the âSpecial Relationshipâ.
August 9, 2013 at 13:05
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@ so why the sabre rattling? Is it just to keep the financial scandals off
the front page during the month of [email protected] That may be the case, but it has
had the beneficial side effect of keeping the wingemen of the news. Today is
the first day in weeks that I have watched the early morning news without
being bombarded by feminstasi propaganda.
August 9, 2013 at 13:10
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According to East Anglian at the top of the comments, there is no
sabre-rattling. Itâs a scheduled NATO exercise.
Meaning that the whole
thing a media constructionâ¦â¦
August 9, 2013 at 13:34
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I think you misread my comment. The opening gambit was a quote from our
hostess.
August 9, 2013 at 16:51
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Moor Larkin,
Re: âAccording to East Anglian at the top of the comments, there is no
sabre-rattling. Itâs a scheduled NATO exercise. Meaning that the whole
thing a media constructionâ¦â¦â
Typicalâ¦
August 9, 2013 at 12:35
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In Ye Goode Olde Days we would have sent a freebooting, hard drinking and
womanising gentleman privateer (or pirate, if you were on the receiving end)
with his crew of manly jolly tars who would have sailed somewhere improbably
dangerous and armed with hugely unreliable guns and hugely reliable cutlasses,
they would have given Johndie Donkey Flinger a taste of musket fire and steel.
One such jolly fellow being Drake, who famously paid a visit to Cadiz and the
surrounds in 1587, and also famously behaved rather boistrously, including
pating no airport tax:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singeing_the_King_of_Spain’s_Beard
Sadly, this would not be permitted these days. We have no ships, or those
that we do have have no functioning weapons, because the there has been a bit
of a gap in the MOD spending. Whilst 200,000 out of date high visibility
jackets are available, the bits that actually go âBangâ will not be available
until 2026, as part of the Governmentâs âFlexible Response â Really There Is
Nothing To Be Worried Aboutâ Defence review, conducted by Ernst & Pencil
Sharpener, Accountants and Bean Counters.
Moreover, such a course of action
could not be allowed to go to a âprivateerâ. The tasl would have to be being
tendered out to various âstake holdersâ, such as Mencap, Liberty and the
Nelson Mandela Housing Trust Partnership of Hackney, to ensure that it was not
being granted on an exclusive, jobs for the boys basis. After due
consideration Sir David Nicholson would then be put in charge, at a salary of
£276,000 per annum plus benefits. Meanwhile all the sailors will starve to
death under his watch.
However the project could not proceed in any event
because there would have to be a Health and Safety Risk Assessment, and there
are clearly overtones of institutionalised racism and also homophobic
behaviour involved. The carbon emmission of the project would be highly
questionable.
Plus, Nick âman of the peopleâ Clegg wouldnt like it,
especially if his rather charming other half cut off his fringe
benefits.
For all these reasons, I am afraid it is a no no.
And by the
way, breaking news: Sir Francis Drake is to be investigated by officers from
Operation Yewtree. Sir Francis, aged 467â¦..
August 9, 2013 at 12:40
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Gildas, that post has made my day. Truly excellent.
August 9, 2013 at 12:44
August 9, 2013 at 13:10
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Of course we can have a privateer. All we need is Sir Richard and his
Virgin Soldiers
August 9, 2013 at 13:22
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I donât Nelson would fare much better.
http://historicaltextarchive.com/books.php?action=nextpre&bid=3&pre=3
August 9, 2013 at 12:07
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Iâs just realised the potential strategic signficance of the cuddly
toys.
It may be they look like teddy bears, but inside theyâre monsters. The NCH
used to use these as part of their suggestive play therapy (confusingly called
âdirect workâ). A large âteddy bearâ would look inviting â but when the
therapist lifted its head a terrifying sabre toothed scary eyedâ inner bearâ
would be revealed.
It was a development of the obscene âanatomical dollsâ.
They are an inversion of the subtle principles underlying eastern demon
masks in theatre and ritual. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannya
At a count of five, our men hold forth their cuddly toys, and then pow! The
enemy retreats without a single shot being fired across the bows.
August 9, 2013 at 11:38
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I didnât get plowed last night, honest. Itâs just a bit hard to take
sailors with handbags too seriously
August 9, 2013 at 11:34
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We could organise pre shooting goalmouth checks for Fernando Torres et al
too, as a form of retaliation
August 9, 2013 at 11:32
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A good time to test out the âagreementâ that Dave made to borrow aircraft
carriers from France. That should play nicely in Brussels, tee hee.
August 9, 2013 at 11:29
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Iâm just surprised that they havenât yet tried to rustle the apes. Or do
they not need any more teachers for their monkeying around classes?
August 9, 2013 at 11:27
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Perhaps BoyDave could initiate a Government advertising campaign advising
Brits not to holiday in Spain. Hit âem where it hurts most.
[Admittedly it’ll probably have minimal effect on tourism volume, but it’ll
be visible.]
August 9, 2013 at 12:37
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I thought it was BoyDaveâs job to initiate a Governmentâ¦
Iâm still waiting.
August 9, 2013 at 10:48
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I was reading yesterday that Stephen Fry is twattering that David Cameron
should seek the removal of the Winter Olympics from Russia because theyâre
being nasty to certain self-proclaimed minorities. http://www.theweek.co.uk/sport/54509/stephen-fry-anti-gay-russia-should-lose-winter-games
I think Daveâs gonna need a bigger boatâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..
August 9,
2013 at 11:05
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August 9, 2013 at 11:26
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Add to this Obamaâs snub over the Snowden fiasco
described by
commentator John Laughland asâ infantileâ and an example of the current
infantile atmosphere in US politics
http://rt.com/news/obama-putin-snowden-meeting-176/
Word has is it the tantrum wonât last â they need help with the
Afghanistan exodus. Chechnya is a little closer than the sofa of the Tonight
show.
Still, the cuddly toys might come in useful.
Maybe Obama, Cameron and Fry could have a pre-action summit at the
Rock!
August 9, 2013 at 10:38
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Iâve just looked up the history of HMS Illustrious â hereâs the
first
âHMS Illustrious (1789) was a 74-gun third rate, and launched at
Bucklerâs Hard in 1789. She had two engagements against the French Navy, at
Toulon in 1793 and at Genoa where she suffered severe damage and won a battle
honour. While returning home in tow for repairs she ran aground due to an
extremely violent storm. Shortly afterwards she was set ablaze and
abandonedâ
Doesnât augur well does it?
August 9, 2013 at
10:14
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Maybe the aircraft carrier can lease some of Spainâs Harriers. We may have
got rid of ours but they still have theirs.
August 9, 2013 at 09:49
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I hate to rain on your parade, but the Royal Navyâs deployment is part of a
long planned NATO exercise and the PM has already informed the Spanish PM of
that fact (as Spain are also part of NATO, that is entirely proper)
August 9, 2013 at 09:59
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@ What happened to the EU and its free movement of workers? @
Spaniards from one of the countryâs poorest, most unemployment-hit
regions, the Campo de Gibraltar, cross the border daily to work in this
low-tax paradise with a tiger-like economy that grew 30% over four years
from 2008. For them it is a refuge from double-dip recession and 40% local
unemployment. And Gibraltarians have all the benefits of modern Spain at
their doorstep, from good food and pleasant beaches to fancy motorways. A
large number own second homes in Spain, which explains why the Rock, as it
is known, feels dead at weekends
http://www.economist.com/news/europe/21583282-sabre-rattling-will-only-push-spains-target-out-reach-north-korea
August 9, 2013 at 09:44
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We should stir it up with Morocco over Ceuta & Melilla! Or are the
Spanish hypocrites?
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