It sounds grand doesn’t it? Britain sending a gun boat to sort out those pesky Spanish? Actually an aircraft carrier, HMS Illustrious – pity she doesn’t have any aircraft any more, what with the Harriers having bit the dust and all that. Still, I don’t suppose the Spanish will laugh too much. It could have been worse, in these touchy-feely days of ‘green’ policies I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear that we had dispatched the royal barge Gloriana with a crew of iPod listening marines straining at the oars. Ready to burst into tears if the Spanish nicked their iPods.

I’m told that if you take the total length of the much disputed ‘territorial waters’ round Gibraltar as being 12 miles – then HMS Illustrious has 70 square miles to patrol. 70 square miles filled with tourists on jet skis dodging Spanish bullets, grieving relatives attempting to scatter ashes (the Spanish tried to forcibly tow them into Algeciras, the doughty British coastal patrol snuck up and cut the tow rope – that’s the spirit lads!) cigarette smugglers by the dozen in fast rubber boats, Spanish fishermen looking for the last of the herrings, not to mention the concrete blocks Gibraltar is reputed to have sunk to deter ‘illegal’ fishing – then the expected arrival of HMS Westminster and HMS Montrose poses a major problem – where are you going to put them? There won’t be enough water left to float a rubber duck.

Spain has apparently sold £145 million quids worth of 40-year-old Mirage jets to Argentina – that’ll frighten the RAF in the Falklands, I don’t think. Neither Spain nor Britain can afford the money for so much as a single bullet, so why the sabre rattling? Is it just to keep the financial scandals off the front page during the month of August?

Gibraltar is a curious place at the best of times. I went there 30 years – some ten years after husband No 1 had written a turgid pot boiler for W H Smith lauding the British Royal Family. I think he sold around 100 copies in Britain, but there in Gibraltar, 10 years later, amongst the Bobbies sweltering in blue helmets, the red phone boxes, fluttering union jacks, were hundreds of copies of said tome. Every shop had dozens of copies pinned up outside. The island was plastered with them. It was surreal sight.

What happened to the EU and its free movement of workers? Its commitment to bringing peace and harmony to Europe? And why did we have to ‘send’ a gunboat to Gibraltar – if it’s such a strategic post for us, why wasn’t one permanently stationed there? What good does it do in Portsmouth?

Ooh, look! HMS Illustrious sets sail with a full compliment of cuddly toys on board…I might have known Cameron wouldn’t send her off with live bullets. Far too expensive, and what would that nice Mr Clegg of the Spanish wife say?

Rule Britannia!

Iain McCallum
August 12, 2013 at 15:52

Just one criticism of an otherwise good article. The Royal Marines did not
cry when the naughty Iraqis took their IPods away, it was the pathetic
creature that is a matelot (or sailor to you all) that burst into tears at
that extremely vicious torture technique. Just saying

Cascadian August 9, 2013 at 22:43

This should work out well.

If I recall correctly, your PM Mr dim-moron issued similar orders when he
was conducting the Libyan fiasco (that one worked really well, bringing much
less democracy to many more brown people, well done dave.) A certain HMS
Liverpool was on station in the Mediterranean and showed its might by firing
flares, then in true Liverpool fashion started begging for armaments from
foreign nations, and probably applying for compo when they came under fire
from Libyan shore batteries.

Are there now none of her majesty’s ships on-station in the Mediterranean?
Or was Liverpool too huge of a fiasco to be repeated?

Margaret Jervis
August 9, 2013 at 14:40

The east west stand-off gets worse.

A Russian based website is refusing to to reply to reply to charges
levelled by the Daily Mail.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2387692/Distraught-children-young-11-blackmailed-undressing-webcams-users-Russian-based-website-Chatroulette-com.html

What will the Spaniards make of this? They could block the flotilla.

But hang on. Seems it already had put its house in order. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chatroulette

Could this be a fake site apeing the legit one?

Brian August 9,
2013 at 13:34

Can one say that this is a classic case of Spanish Practices without the
faux outraged sending El Moustachio round to dance a fandango? The Spanish
claimed 69 square miles of Gib waters as the Estrecho Oriental under EU
environmental law by virtue of not telling Britain and Gib beforehand and our
brilliant EU civil servants not reading the papers before the relevant meeting
where it was accepted. Little “7.96 litre” Hague wailed after Britain lost its
appeal about the ““Commission’s deficient processes, lack of transparency and
consultation”. And Dave “Nice but Dim” reckons he can negotiate with those
crooks.

Perhaps the Gib government should invite the USN to leave Naval Station
Rota just along the coast by Cadiz and set up shop, rent free, on the Rock.
That would really show the worth of the “Special Relationship”.

Wigner’s Friend
August 9, 2013 at 13:05

@ so why the sabre rattling? Is it just to keep the financial scandals off
the front page during the month of August?@ That may be the case, but it has
had the beneficial side effect of keeping the wingemen of the news. Today is
the first day in weeks that I have watched the early morning news without
being bombarded by feminstasi propaganda.

Moor
Larkin August 9, 2013 at 13:10

According to East Anglian at the top of the comments, there is no
sabre-rattling. It’s a scheduled NATO exercise.
Meaning that the whole
thing a media construction……

Wigner’s
Friend August 9, 2013 at 13:34

I think you misread my comment. The opening gambit was a quote from our
hostess.

Moor Larkin August 9, 2013 at 13:35

Mea culpa………….

Lucozade
August 9, 2013 at 16:51

Moor Larkin,

Re: “According to East Anglian at the top of the comments, there is no
sabre-rattling. It’s a scheduled NATO exercise. Meaning that the whole
thing a media construction……”

Typical…

GildasTheMonk
August 9, 2013 at 12:35

In Ye Goode Olde Days we would have sent a freebooting, hard drinking and
womanising gentleman privateer (or pirate, if you were on the receiving end)
with his crew of manly jolly tars who would have sailed somewhere improbably
dangerous and armed with hugely unreliable guns and hugely reliable cutlasses,
they would have given Johndie Donkey Flinger a taste of musket fire and steel.
One such jolly fellow being Drake, who famously paid a visit to Cadiz and the
surrounds in 1587, and also famously behaved rather boistrously, including
pating no airport tax:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singeing_the_King_of_Spain’s_Beard

Sadly, this would not be permitted these days. We have no ships, or those
that we do have have no functioning weapons, because the there has been a bit
of a gap in the MOD spending. Whilst 200,000 out of date high visibility
jackets are available, the bits that actually go “Bang” will not be available
until 2026, as part of the Government’s “Flexible Response – Really There Is
Nothing To Be Worried About” Defence review, conducted by Ernst & Pencil
Sharpener, Accountants and Bean Counters.
Moreover, such a course of action
could not be allowed to go to a “privateer”. The tasl would have to be being
tendered out to various “stake holders”, such as Mencap, Liberty and the
Nelson Mandela Housing Trust Partnership of Hackney, to ensure that it was not
being granted on an exclusive, jobs for the boys basis. After due
consideration Sir David Nicholson would then be put in charge, at a salary of
£276,000 per annum plus benefits. Meanwhile all the sailors will starve to
death under his watch.
However the project could not proceed in any event
because there would have to be a Health and Safety Risk Assessment, and there
are clearly overtones of institutionalised racism and also homophobic
behaviour involved. The carbon emmission of the project would be highly
questionable.
Plus, Nick “man of the people” Clegg wouldnt like it,
especially if his rather charming other half cut off his fringe
benefits.
For all these reasons, I am afraid it is a no no.
And by the
way, breaking news: Sir Francis Drake is to be investigated by officers from
Operation Yewtree. Sir Francis, aged 467…..

Ted Treen August 9, 2013 at 12:40

Gildas, that post has made my day. Truly excellent.

Anna
Raccoon August 9, 2013 at 12:44

Gildas *purrrr* in fact double *purrrrrrr*.

Now that is the old Gildas that we love and worship!

GildasTheMonk
August 9, 2013 at 15:15

*small wave”

Joe Public
August 9, 2013 at 17:41

Gildas, your “However the project could not proceed in any event
because there would have to be a Health and Safety Risk Assessment, and
there are clearly overtones of institutionalised racism and also
homophobic behaviour involved. ” reminded me of:-

It’s 200 years since Lord Nelson’s famous naval victory over the
French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the
anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures
on the River Thames at Greenwich.

But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials
made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admiral’s uniform.

How would Nelson and the country have fared if he had been subject to
modern political correctness and health and safety regulations? We would
all be speaking French now!!

You are now on the deck of the recently renamed ‘HMS Appeasement!’

Nelson – Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.

Hardy – Aye Aye Sir

N – Hold on – that is not the signal I dictated to my signals
officer.

H – Sorry Sir.

N – England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?

H – Admiralty policy I’m afraid, Sir. We’re an equal opportunities
employer now. We had devils own job getting ‘England’ past the censors,
lest it be considered racist

N -Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

H – Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments.

N – In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle.

H – The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It’s a part of
Governments policy on binge drinking.

N – Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full
speed ahead.

H – I think you’ll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch
of water.

N – Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in
history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest,
please!

H – That won’t be possible Sir.

N – What?

H – Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest sir, No harness.
They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won’t
let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

N – Then get the ships’ carpenter without delay, Hardy.

H – Unfortunately he’s busy knocking up wheelchair access to the
fo’c’sle, Admiral.

N – Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd. H –
Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.

N – Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.

H – Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N -Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

H – A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won’t let
the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone
breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?

N – I’ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

H – The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

N – What? This is mutiny.

H – It’s not that Sir, It’s just that they are afraid of being
charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
human rights lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

N – Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?

H – Actually Sir, we’re not!

N – We’re not?

H – No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.

N – But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

H – I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.

N – But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of
your King.

H – Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.

N – Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?

H – As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on
corporal punishment.

N – What about sodomy?

H – I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.

N – Thank God for that – In that case – kiss me Hardy!

Margaret
Jervis August 9, 2013 at 19:22

Pure genius!

Ho Hum
August 9, 2013 at 20:07

Brilliant. His contemporary, Wordsworth, was definitely with the
programme…

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:

Span
Ows August 10, 2013 at
15:19

Bravo!

GildasTheMonk August 12, 2013 at 15:25

SNORK!
Except that is too blooming’ true to life…..

Ho Hum August 9, 2013 at 13:10

Of course we can have a privateer. All we need is Sir Richard and his
Virgin Soldiers

Margaret Jervis
August 9, 2013 at 13:22

I don’t Nelson would fare much better.
http://historicaltextarchive.com/books.php?action=nextpre&bid=3&pre=3

Margaret Jervis
August 9, 2013 at 12:07

I’s just realised the potential strategic signficance of the cuddly
toys.

It may be they look like teddy bears, but inside they’re monsters. The NCH
used to use these as part of their suggestive play therapy (confusingly called
‘direct work’). A large ‘teddy bear’ would look inviting – but when the
therapist lifted its head a terrifying sabre toothed scary eyed’ inner bear’
would be revealed.

It was a development of the obscene ‘anatomical dolls’.

They are an inversion of the subtle principles underlying eastern demon
masks in theatre and ritual. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannya

At a count of five, our men hold forth their cuddly toys, and then pow! The
enemy retreats without a single shot being fired across the bows.

Anna
Raccoon August 9, 2013 at 12:15

Ha!

Margaret
Jervis August 9, 2013 at 12:25

I’m waiting for the call up on Twitter.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Cape_St_Vincent_%281797%29

Ho Hum August 9, 2013 at 11:38

I didn’t get plowed last night, honest. It’s just a bit hard to take
sailors with handbags too seriously

Ho Hum August 9, 2013 at 11:34

We could organise pre shooting goalmouth checks for Fernando Torres et al
too, as a form of retaliation

Mudplugger August 9, 2013 at 11:32

A good time to test out the ‘agreement’ that Dave made to borrow aircraft
carriers from France. That should play nicely in Brussels, tee hee.

Ho Hum August 9, 2013 at 11:29

I’m just surprised that they haven’t yet tried to rustle the apes. Or do
they not need any more teachers for their monkeying around classes?

Joe Public August 9, 2013 at 11:27

Perhaps BoyDave could initiate a Government advertising campaign advising
Brits not to holiday in Spain. Hit ‘em where it hurts most.

[Admittedly it’ll probably have minimal effect on tourism volume, but it’ll
be visible.]

Ted Treen August 9, 2013 at 12:37

I thought it was BoyDave’s job to initiate a Government…

I’m still waiting.

Moor
Larkin August 9, 2013 at 10:48

I was reading yesterday that Stephen Fry is twattering that David Cameron
should seek the removal of the Winter Olympics from Russia because they’re
being nasty to certain self-proclaimed minorities. http://www.theweek.co.uk/sport/54509/stephen-fry-anti-gay-russia-should-lose-winter-games

I think Dave’s gonna need a bigger boat……………..

JuliaM August 9,
2013 at 11:05

Margaret Jervis
August 9, 2013 at 11:26

Add to this Obama’s snub over the Snowden fiasco
described by
commentator John Laughland as’ infantile’ and an example of the current
infantile atmosphere in US politics
http://rt.com/news/obama-putin-snowden-meeting-176/

Word has is it the tantrum won’t last – they need help with the
Afghanistan exodus. Chechnya is a little closer than the sofa of the Tonight
show.

Still, the cuddly toys might come in useful.

Maybe Obama, Cameron and Fry could have a pre-action summit at the
Rock!

Moor Larkin August 9, 2013 at 11:35

Preferably the Alcatraz one.
A German friend of mine referred to the
wave of Infantilisation sweeping the western world. I don’t think she was
referring to child abuse.

TheNoseyMole August
9, 2013 at 16:30

What happens when the grown ups die?

Margaret Jervis
August 9, 2013 at 10:38

I’ve just looked up the history of HMS Illustrious – here’s the
first
“HMS Illustrious (1789) was a 74-gun third rate, and launched at
Buckler’s Hard in 1789. She had two engagements against the French Navy, at
Toulon in 1793 and at Genoa where she suffered severe damage and won a battle
honour. While returning home in tow for repairs she ran aground due to an
extremely violent storm. Shortly afterwards she was set ablaze and
abandoned”
Doesn’t augur well does it?

The
Illuminaunty August 9, 2013 at
10:14

Maybe the aircraft carrier can lease some of Spain’s Harriers. We may have
got rid of ours but they still have theirs.

East Anglian
August 9, 2013 at 09:49

I hate to rain on your parade, but the Royal Navy’s deployment is part of a
long planned NATO exercise and the PM has already informed the Spanish PM of
that fact (as Spain are also part of NATO, that is entirely proper)

Moor
Larkin August 9, 2013 at 09:59

@ What happened to the EU and its free movement of workers? @

Spaniards from one of the country’s poorest, most unemployment-hit
regions, the Campo de Gibraltar, cross the border daily to work in this
low-tax paradise with a tiger-like economy that grew 30% over four years
from 2008. For them it is a refuge from double-dip recession and 40% local
unemployment. And Gibraltarians have all the benefits of modern Spain at
their doorstep, from good food and pleasant beaches to fancy motorways. A
large number own second homes in Spain, which explains why the Rock, as it
is known, feels dead at weekends
http://www.economist.com/news/europe/21583282-sabre-rattling-will-only-push-spains-target-out-reach-north-korea

Ed P August 9, 2013 at 09:44

We should stir it up with Morocco over Ceuta & Melilla! Or are the
Spanish hypocrites?