Oh Come All Ye Debt-full,
Feckless, Unrepentant,
O come ye, O come ye to Welby.com
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Tallymen;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ, Good Lordâ¦.the bloody worldâs gone mad.
Jesus drove the Moneylenders from the Temple. The Archbishop of Canterbury has decided to set up shop in opposition to them. All hail the modern Church of England!
Welby.com pay day loan company extraordinaire is born. Archbishop Justin Welby has decided that the church is to go into the money lending business. Itâs a stroke of genius.
The Church has been scrapping around for coppers from a depleted audience on a Sunday morning recently, gazing with a decidedly ungodly avarice at Wonga.Comâs vast income which allows it to advertise for new customers on prime time television â and Welby wants some of itâ¦..
How to do that? Undercut them of course. âReligion-is-Usâ will lend the poor and huddled masses cheap pay day loans at reduced rates. Now thatâs a great idea â in theory. But there is a reason why Wonga.com charge the rates they do â itâs because most of their customers are feckless idiots who donât repay their loans â so Wonga have to charge everybody a lot of money to cover the unpaid debts, now that they arenât allowed to chop your legs off any longer.
âReligion-is-Usâ has some excellent PR going for it â I mean the Queen herself as chief executive, lets see Wonga.com match that! So, your CEOs granddaughter just dropped a sprog Wonga â who cares? Think youâre going to get Kay Burley camped outside for two days â think on!
âReligion-is-Usâ wonât have to pay lobbyists to ensure that the government doesnât pass any inconvenient legislation curbing its money lending activities â after all theyâve got a row of senior executives aka Bishops sitting in the House of Lords.
But what are you going to do about the bad debts Welby? I know youâve got a few trendy vicars who ride motorbikes and wear leather jackets â but you donât really think they are going to scare Jason and Karl into coughing up do you? How does the Devil pay for souls these days? Would he cover the debts?
Perhaps youâll bring the ducking stool back â I seem to remember that Hereford Cathedral still has its ducking stool.
Iâve had an idea. See, Britain is a welfare state. That means that everyone who isnât working is given the money for food and a roof over their head. Now if they havenât got food or a roof over their head, that generally means that they chose to spend the money on something else first. Why wait until theyâre skint? Get stuck in there lad! These are the businesses you should be inâ¦
âThe Religious Armsâ â cheap beers, half price Stella, olde worlde atmosphere, original oak benches, flagstone floor, Camra approved.
âChurch Fags & Coâ â genuine imported Bulgarian baccy at prices you wont beat.
âMeths and Mythsâ â an evening of your favourite spirit in revivalist fashion.
âCamp wedding venuesâ â even the vicar wears a frock. (Scrub that, youâre already doing it).
Bingo! Thatâs it Bingo! Fill those seats, full house, use those hymn boards to put the numbers up.
Fill the font with chocolate â those chocolate towers are ever so popular.
Branch out â Britain isnât the only Christian country â what about a Gay Rave in Kenya or Uganda? Wipe the floor with Club 18-25.
Youâve still got those bad debts to solve thoughâ¦forget breaking their legs, break their necks instead â look! Burials are up too.
Itâs win, win, win!
Suggestions for Justin Welbyâs other business ventures?
Update: This morning the Financial Times (behind a paywall sadly) has discovered the identity of the main funder for the company behind those evil usurers â Wonga.com
Itâs the Church of England Pension Fundâ¦â¦bwaâ¦.bwaâ¦..canât quite get my breathâ¦..gaspâ¦â¦too, too good to be true. Archbishop Justice Welby is reportedly âfuriousâ!!!!!
July 27, 2013 at 13:06
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Wonga do charge high rates of interest. But itâs in the region of 50% not
5000%. And not much different to the cost of an unauthorised overdraft from a
bank, or using a credit card and paying the minimum each month. As to their
defaults, they are actually very low, in the region of 17% because they reject
60% of applicants. So they donât get many feckless idiots who donât repay
their loans. Wonga also stop charging interest after 60 days after a default
so the cost does not go stratospheric and after such an event you wonât be
able use Wonga again and they will seriously chase you for the money â http://help.wonga.com/articles/What_Is_external/What-happens-if-I-dont-repay-my-loan-UK/
As for other payday loan companies, they could be sharks or they could be
doing the same thing. But to pick Wonga which is the major good guy in the
market as a stick to beat the whole payday loan system is just the wrong way
to do it. Attack the bad guys, the real sharks, not Wonga.
July 26, 2013 at 12:52
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Maybe I am thick but, as a debt advice giver for 14 yearsâ¦â¦I often pushed
those in mild, almost accidental debt towards the local Credit Union office,
just round the corner. If it happens, in future, to be one sited in a church,
so what? Many of those in chronic debt would be less in debt if they had
somehow learnt that saving, waiting to gratify a wish to âownâ a product,
might be a great help.It took our town a long time to set one up. The nuts and
bolts of setting up a Credit Union are complex. Perhaps as the Archbishop was
once a banker, this is where he has an understanding of the difference between
the CU way the usual lenders way. I donât go to church. I do not put churches
down either.
July 26, 2013 at 12:30
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You know perfectly well what I meant, to try and turn it back to me just
portrays a certain degree of petulance.
I donât wish to get into a slanging match, so Iâll leave it at that.
July 26, 2013 at 12:36
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Everything you receive without working for, means that elsewhere, someone
is working for it without receiving it.
July 26, 2013 at 12:07
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Cheap jibes based on personal knowledge donât become you.
July 26, 2013 at 11:49
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Naughty! I didnât say that life on the breadline was more pleasant in the
past.
Yes, of course there are some feckless idiots, twas ever this way, but not
âmostâ as you stated. With regard to living in France, that is a choice you
and your fellow ex pats were free to make.
This is now the 21st century, not some distant 60â²s memory. Why shouldnât
the less fortunate have a half decent lifestyle? The vast majority of families
in the benefit system are decent hard working people. Their minimum wages are
supplemented with tax credits and housing benfits. Not everyone is sat
watching Jeremy Kyle and drinking Stella on their DFS sofas as you seem to
think.
July 26, 2013 at 12:00
July 26, 2013 at 12:32
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ââ¦Not everyone is sat watching Jeremy Kyle and drinking Stella on their
DFS sofas as you seem to thinkâ¦â
No, but many are. That is without question â and I personally know people
who have never worked, are approaching 60 and in the last 10 years have had
5 or 6 holidays in Egypt. I know others who have never worked, complain
bitterly about their benefits (âSmy rite, innit?) yet still smoke some
20/day, buy wine and visit the pub more often than I can afford to.
I have to be up at 0430 so I can be out of my house at 0610, have a two
and a half hour trip (each way) to work, which includes between one and a
half and two miles (again, each way) on foot. And I am well over 60. And I
have a 45 yr history of (psoriatic) arthritis. I get back home at around
1900 which leaves me some seven hours for bathing, preparing my clothes,
eating, ironing etc. etc. and having around 4-5 hrs sleep per night.
Iâm lucky to have a job, but I fail to see the justification for the
large amounts extracted from my pay-packet, which is given to others to fund
a lifestyle far more luxurious than mine.
July 26, 2013 at 11:22
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Youâre living in the past Anna. I take my knowledge first hand from living
in an area that is full of these âfeckless idiotsâ as you call them. Where do
you get your up to date information from?
July 26, 2013 at 11:10
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â itâs because most of their customers are feckless idiots who donât repay
their loans â
Itâs becoming increasingly obvious that you really donât have any idea what
it is like to be living on the breadline in Britain today.
July 26, 2013 at 10:51
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The Church helping the down trodden and needy!
Whatever next?
July 26, 2013 at 11:03
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If Iâm reading the background to all this correctly, theyâve been helping
their staff for a long time and doing bugger all for the needy, so maybe
Welby is onto something; but Iâm a bit puzzled why he had this âmeetingâ
with the Wonga boss first. What was that meant to achieve exactly? Itâs not
like Wonga are alone in this line of business.
If the Church starts running an ethical bookmaker business, will he have
chats with Betfred first? Not that Iâm suggesting Betfred arenât ethical. At
the end of the day, wouldnât the Church be better off giving money to these
needy people instead of making them borrow it? What next? School-fee loans
from the NSPCC rather than Scholarshipsâ¦.. remember those? Rich people
giving money to poorer peopleâs kids. A very Victorian idea. How
old-fashioned.
July 26, 2013 at 08:32
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And so it came to pass â the C/E attacking the wonga wronga youâll pay
longa longa â¦â¦. a company they fund !!!! Someone shudda told the arch bish
http://news.sky.com/story/1120531/wonga-church-of-england-funding-link-found
July 25, 2013 at 23:29
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No only until the day of judgementâ¦community service and a tag!
July 25, 2013 at 21:48
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I can see this all ending in tears. Can anyone imagine the C of E taking
people to court, bringing the bailiffs in for non payment of the pay day loan?
Yep, tits up.
July 25, 2013 at 23:04
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What if thereâs an afterlife â¦â¦. ? Will one be expected to pay for ever,
and ever â¦â¦.. and ever
July 25, 2013 at 23:09
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Amen.
July 25, 2013 at 23:14
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July 25, 2013 at 23:54
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The threat of Excommunication should be sufficient â¦â¦â¦..
Welby could plagiarise a papal bull of Pope Paul III, from 12 November
1548:-
The promise that God inflicts âmaledictions and excommunicationsâ on all
who abandon a debt of theirs whom they have the means to repay, and that
they cannot be absolved unless they first refund all expenses incurred.
July 25, 2013 at 20:35
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A retired teacher friend told me that GCSE maths is actually taught in
three national streams and that only the minority in the top one learns the
full National Curriculum, including percentages. If you donât understand such
a simple concept, how are you supposed to negotiate mortgages and other loans?
While I would prefer an education system that actually helps people cope with
their adult lives, I would settle for people learning on the job of life by
being exposed to the consequences of their ignorance. Of course, the modern
Welfare State doesnât permit that!
So in the present screwed-up situation, I see no harm at all in the Church
having a go at something practical. At least taxpayers wonât be asked to fund
it. Churchgoersâ offerings have the moral benefit of being voluntary. The CofE
used to be wealthy until it lost most of it in the 90s property crash. If this
venture beggars it more, so what? It may bring clerics back into contact with
reality, which would be no bad thing. Both sides of the Church Credit Union
loan application should learn something. And the Church, one hopes, may be
more likely to query if the borrower really *needs* the loan and offer advice
about a debt-free life. Wonga.com and its competitors cannot reasonably be
expected to do that.
July 25, 2013 at 19:54
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âCollect your loan in church on Sundayâ (after sitting through the service
to qualify, of course.) Thatâll put bums on seats!
July 25, 2013 at 18:18
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The sermon could be interesting. Half way through the vicar says âAnd now
some important messages from our sponsorsâ¦â and Mr Singh from the corner shop
stands up to tell the congregation whatâs on special offer this week followed
by the local window cleaner touting for business.
And, of course, when theyâre all finished the vicar says âWelcome backâ
even though nobody went anywhere.
July 25, 2013 at 17:42
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Seems Welby might be onto something here.
What about renaming canterbury
cathedral in favour of sponsorship. St Barclays has a nice ring to it. And how
about sponsors logos on clerical robes
July 25, 2013 at 17:00
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I checked this story, because, as presented, itâs actually pretty
implausible, given that Welby used to be a banker, and probably hasnât
forgotten the importance of loan repayment. And I found that the article by
Anna leaves out one key detail.
It isnât aimed at the poor and huddled masses. Itâs a credit union for
âChurch of England staffâ. So you have to be a bishop, or vicar, or deacon, or
whatever to borrow from prayday loans. And since the income of these folks
comes from the church, itâll be a doddle for the church to collect on any bad
debts.
July 25, 2013 at 17:10
July 25, 2013 at 19:30
July 25, 2013 at 21:22
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The Catholic Church has always played a smart game by encouraging its
adherents to confess all their wickednesses each week, however serious or
trivial, to the local priest. That way, the âsinnerâ is in permanent hock to
the local priest who knows all about the sinnerâs naughtinesses, so will be
encouraged to keep attending, contribute more to the plate, keep breeding
more to stay poor, thus staying in hock for ever. Two thousand years and
counting, it still works a treat.
It looks like Welby.con has worked out that the CofE canât get away with
introducing weekly confession, so has identified the next best thing: just
use the device of an apparently-friendly Credit Union to keep folk in hock â
whatâs more, they can then lean on the poor suckers to put some of the money
theyâve borrowed straight back in the plate, so it can be lent out again,
while the borrowersâ debts just keep rising. Ideal Ponzi territory â but
then he was/is a banker, or some other rhyming-slang.
July 25, 2013 at 16:56
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Under EU-sanctioned non-discrimination laws, the Holy See refuses to allow
its market share to dwindle, so decides on a marketing ploy.
Discounts.
Now, for a limited period, just two Hail Marys per sin confessed. Visit
your local priest today.
July 25, 2013 at 16:53
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Pope Francis has not yet moved to the Papal apartments, prefers a more
humble abode. Not your typical Pope so far.
July 25, 2013 at 16:51
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Indulgences. You sell people a âGet out of purgatory freeâ certificate. You
can sell it online, and they can download the certificate and print it on
their own printer, thus eliminating printing costs, delivery costs and the
dangerous wait until the certificate arrives (what if you die in the
meantime?). Youâre already immune to any âTruth in advertisingâ legislation;
you must be because youâre already making advertising claims that you cannot
back up, I see them outside most of your churches.
And at a higher price, thereâs the âGet out of Hell freeâ card, which
allows you to commit any crime up to and including murder (secular legal
restrictions apply, you still might go to prison) without going to Hell.
You could also bring back simony. Donât just give away the sacrament â
insist that people should fork up for it. If they have faith, theyâll see it
as a great deal. And on the supply side, since it costs nothing, the margins
are excellent.
And that opens up another opportunity â if the vicar is able to raise
revenue this way, the office of vicar becomes quite valuable, and anything
thatâs valuable, could be sold. Instead of the current wasteful practice of
appointing vicars for free, you could charge a stiff fee for the position.
While on the subject of supply-side costs, holy water is another sure-fire
fundraiser. All you need is tapwater and a blessing. Since thereâs no dilution
issue, you could bless an entire reservoir-full of water, bottle that, and
sell it. Iâve even got a suggested brand name for you. Peckham Spring.
The church used to do very well out of selling indulgences. I canât imagine
why they stopped.
July 25, 2013 at 16:45
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Now available at http://www.praydayloan.co.uk/
July 25, 2013 at 16:19
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When the going gets tough ⦠http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2013/jul/23/jack-monroe-face-modern-poverty
July 26,
2013 at 07:02
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âLosing £14 a week to the bedroom tax mayâ¦â
ARRRGH! ITâS NOT A TAX! Nor is housing benefit âa tyrannyâ, FFS!
July 26, 2013 at 08:11
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A shame she cannot sell the tattoos on her arms, they must be worth a
few hundred.
How do you get to be 24 and so helplessly hopeless?
Oh
sheâs not! Sheâs just got a book deal!!
I love a happy ending.
July 27, 2013 at 12:34
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She had been passionate about cooking ever since her food technology
course at school (âa form of escapism from all the words and
numbersâ)
So she hadnât got the self-discipline required to do the harder and
more boring stuff at school â like the essential subjects Maths &
English, but preferred to mess about enjoying herself doing cookery â
now given the wonderfully Orwellian name of Food Technology. I wonder
why sheâs unemployed?
(Yes, yes, I know there are people who can read and write and add up
and they are umemployed too. Let them eat cake too. Actually Spaghetti
Hoops. Heartless bastard I am).
She went to a grammar school too, crows the Guardian. In any other
circumstances they would pillory her for that. But no, she left at 16
(yes, andâ¦.?) âbullied and disillusionedâ.
I went to a grammar school and left at aged 16. There was a bit of
bullying went on, especially when one was about 4 foot nothing, 11 years
old and way down the pecking order. Mind you this was the barbarian
1970s and all the pupils were warmongers and abusers and criminals in
waiting â ie: young men. I wouldnât say I was disillusioned though.
About what exactly? It may have been a grammar school but we werenât
going around feeling that profound and being âdisillusionedâ with
various lofty ideals. We were only aged 16 â or less. Silly girl.
But anyway, now she has jobs flowing out of the walls at her, though
I note none of them are in the real business of production and wealth
creation. Still â she canât make ends meet, not even after a dropsy of
25 grand from the Bolsheviks. NO DOUBT SHEâS SPENT IT ALL ON CIDER &
MORE TATTOOS I say, in my best Daily Fail voice. Get a proper job, never
mind âin the meeja a lotâ â¦.. moaning and complaining and fomenting yet
more dissent. Give this woman a real job â in a turnip field in
Northumbria, plying a hoe between the rows of precious vegetables. After
all sheâs energetic â the article tells us so.
âIâm not going to stop championing causes, campaigning and stamping
my feet about things that are wrong,
Guards â shoot that woman!
Until people realise benefits doesnât mean scrounger, and austerity
isnât a fun middle-class way to grow your own vegetables, thereâs still
a lot of work to do.â
Lot of work eh, that W word again. She hasnât seen a day of it in her
life. But, I hear you sayâ¦..
Sheâs bringing up a demanding little human being â all on her own.
Yes well then, no surprises there either. She should have spent more
time listening in Biology classes rather than baking cakes and being
disillusioned.
Have you read some of the comments under the article? Some of the
contributors just put +1 â¦â¦ which is I think an extremely profound way
of doing things and furthermore proves that these people did take notice
in Maths classes. Thatâs why they are now successful and read The
Guardian.
July 31, 2013 at 23:19
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I am somewhat suspicious about Jack Monroe and her âfoodâ blog. I
remember first hearing about it about six months ago, and went to
check it out ⦠there were only maybe three recipes on her site at the
time â the rest was political comment. I remember wondering how she
was getting so much exposure for this *feed yourself for tuppence*
blog when there was so little of that content there.
As a frugal cook brought up in very old-fashioned and traditional
working-class methods of making food go a long way, I think her
costings are very disingenuous, the portion sizes are very small, and
she uses very expensive ingredients. In one recipe, the idea is that a
meal for one person would contain a quarter of a courgette, 12g of
cheese, 50g of yoghurt, scattering of green beans and 50g of pasta:
this might feed a small child, but it is nowhere near a main meal for
an adult and to actually make the dish, you would need over £10 of
ingredients to hand. By her accounting methods, I can make an enormous
slab of meat mousakka for 45p.
July 25, 2013 at 16:15
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Donât worry, at this rate Welby will be being bailed out by the Vatican
bank (that well known bastion of probity) in return for reunification with
Rome.
Then truly will Poe Francis be able to claim the title of âPetrus Romanusâ
and we can wend or merry way towards the Apocalypse.
July 25, 2013 at 16:08
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The only people Christ is recorded as having lifted a physical finger
against were the moneychangers in the Temple, the financial skivs of the day.
His verbal condemnations were mostly pointedly targeted at the sanctimonious
religious leaders, who imposed undue moral burdens on people, by the ever
increasing application of minute rules and regulations, as if they were of
some spiritual value, as opposed to their teaching people of the great
principles which most of us might agree should underpin the manner in which we
live with, and help, each other
In that context, heâd probably had more than a few words of disdain for
most of todayâs bankers, usurers, politicians and omnipotent moral busybodies.
And as far as this goes, Iâd think he might be more inclined to take the view
that the ArchBish might be for Him, rather than against Him, irrespective of
whether or not the good intent might be a wee bit clouded, in practical terms,
by an element of wishful thinking or fond hope syndrome
July 25, 2013 at 15:43
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Back in the bad old days before Henry VIII threw his strop with the Pope,
it is alledged that the Bishop of Bath and Wells controlled the finest
brothels in the land. It would make a change from choirboys, wouldnât it!
July 26, 2013 at 09:51
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That is why the sign of the (Bishopsâ) red cap was the mark of a brothel
and of the pubs which were dual purpose. e.g. âThe Mother Red Capâ.
July 25, 2013 at 15:24
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And, from the NS&I today, vaguely âon topicâ:
From 1 August 2013 we will allocate 5% of the prize fund to higher value
prizes, 4% to medium value prizes and 91% to lower value prizes (currently 6%,
5% and 89% respectively). The odds of each £1 Bond number winning a prize in
the monthly draw will be 26,000 to 1 (currently 24,000 to 1).
If you hold Premium Bonds, this means the chances of each of your £1 Bond
numbers winning a prize will be slightly less from 1 August.
We understand that rate reductions are never good news so we wanted to let
you know about the change as soon as we could. However, we believe that
Premium Bonds are still a great way to enjoy 100% security for your money,
backed by HM Treasury, while giving you the chance to win £1 million or other
cash prizes. And any prize you win is completely free of UK Income Tax and
Capital Gains Tax.
Iâll have to cash in the GBP10 worth of premium bonds Iâve had since Ernie
started and have never won me a penny in however many decades that isâ¦
July 25, 2013 at 14:54
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At this rate theyâll be putting newsthump out of business too.
They are beyond parody.
{ 46 comments }