It is on its way! And by the time of posting may well be with us, in what the occasionally (only very occasionally) waggish Piers Morgan called on twitter “an Ashes birth”  – over by tea time.

What deep joy! My special friend, Sister Eva Longoria, was unable to make it to London to joint the ranks of international media parked 30 deep outside the hospital, but has been in a state of extreme excitement for several weeks now. She has recreated the media experience by living in my battered VW camper van and parking the TV outside the rear door. With the aid of an aerial affixed to the roof of said van, she has been remote- experiencing the atmosphere of press frenzy by watching round the clock rolling news coverage of a closed hospital front door via a Japanese station, and consuming vast quantities of popcorn, pizza and, inevitably Riesling Blue Nun.

Note to David Cameron: Riesling Blue Nun is a WINE, and NOT a pornographic act (well it can be, but I digress…). Anyway, please do not have my interweb connected, especially as I am only half way through “Debbie Does Doncaster”.

But I digress. What name would be fitting for the Royal mite? In days gone by it was the tradition to adopt the names and/or ancestry of uncles and aunts, godparents and grandparents in a kind of nomenclatural genetic splicing, which would result in names such as Frederick George Uppsala Hat Stand Alexander Battenberg Cake Brandenburg Concerto Von Coberg, who would inevitably be known in later life to his friends and the public as “Tim”.

The first port of call then might be something like “Sarah Easyjet Doors To Manual”, for a girl, or “Andrew Home Counties High Cost Party Planner” for a boy. But I am not sure that works. The Royal couple must move with the modern, media savvy times!

The next port of call then would be to go with the bulk of the great unwashed, and adopt the name of the first prominent “reality TV” star they can register and have a go at spelling. This is easier for girls than boys, with a rich choice including (of course) Jordan, but also Chanelle, Jayde, Stacey and anything ending in “Kardashian”.

For boys the name is exclusively limited to Craig or Mark, but one should not write off other chav regulars such as Callum, which would inevitably and by Cosmic Law condemn the poor child to be the really vile screaming one knocking things over in the supermarket which is suckled on cheese and onion crisps,  coca cola and endless doses of Ritalin. He would thus be the first Royal to be expelled with “attention deficit” disorder and hyper activity “issues”.

“Gary” would be a fair choice but would equally probably condemn the child to develop Aspergers Syndrome and to risk life in an American Super Jail. Perhaps then, a neutral none gender specific but topical media based name. Can I suggest “Towie”?  No. Sorry.

Another popular way of doing it these days is the name of the nearest available fashionable pop star. For a girl, we might have Princess Tulisa, or Princess Sheryl, or the ever popular and classic Princess Kylie. Or a combination of the three. Other possible are Princess Beyonce or the ever elegant Princess Shakira-Arse-Wiggle. Keisha is an outside bet, and Taylor is also another long shot. However, BetFred are no longer taking any bets on “Rhianna” or “Emili-Sande” or a combination of the two.

For a boy, one might have Prince Robbie, or Prince Will-I-Am, or Prince Jay-Z, thus adopting a now familiar concept of intruding stupid and pointless self aggrandising letter and numbers.  Male “Rap” stars are now fond of awarding themselves academic and other qualifications they do not have as part of their own personal rebrand, hence the billionaire “Dr Dre” or the ever popular “Professor Green”, so how about Grand Master George or “Research Fellow (Land Economy) James” to balance the modern with the Home Counties traditional?

Some chavs have been known to become totally disorientated by the events of child birth and in panic have adopted weird and wonderful names. Rather like geese are said to regard the first thing they see on birth as their parent, so with names: such eccentric and indeed disturbing names as Jeremy Kyle Edwards, SOCA O’Reilly, Child Support Agency Mathews, Tax Credit Rebate Robertson and CEOP Smith have been recorded.

The names of popular albums may provide inspiration; for example an adaptation of  Fleetwood Mac’s best selling album title “Rumours” has proved popular – Bruce Willis and Demi Moore have a child called “Rumor” Willis, I believe.  However, this is fraught with difficulties, because I fear that “James NowThatsWhatICallMusic68 Wales” may be less than regal. “Les” is a good old fashioned name, popular with devotes of Coronation Street, but when combined with “Miserables” the effect can be a bit of an epic “fail”.

I feel that in times such as this, one can almost always look to the Greatest Ever Englishman for inspiration. By that, of course, I mean “Sir” David Beckham. Together with his charming wife, the couple has taken to naming their children by reference to the place of their conception. This can be glamorous and cool in the case of “Paris” or “Marrakech” or, for less wealthy individuals, intriguing in the case of “A6 Lay-By”. However, “Quickie in the Back of a Wessex Helicopter” is not likely to find favour with the grandparents, nor indeed his uncle Edward, for whom “quickie in the back door of a Wessex” has even more personal connotations.

Another issue is product placement. Neither the Windsor family firm nor the Middletons seem averse to turning a bob or two, and this opens up whole new possibilities for the child. “Victoria Virgin Atlantic MasterCard Wales” might be lucrative, or for a boy how about simply “The Etihad Princeling”. Brand synergy is everything, and “Prince/Princess Wonga” might, however seem inappropriate.

So, over to you Raccoonistas! Royal names, appropriate and inappropriate?

Meanwhile, I must go and mop up after Sister Eva. She is getting too excited again. More Blue Nun, Sister!?

Gildas the Monk            

MTG July 24, 2013 at 17:24

Hewittsperm is potent and William may yet go into labour ‘Alien’ style and
pop a ginger himself, Anna.

Kevin July 24, 2013 at 16:29

I vote for James….. After his real grandfather!

MTG July 24, 2013 at 17:06

Crikey, Kevin. The mere suggestion was sufficient to trigger the raccoon
into an earlier fit of rabid salivation.

therealguyfaux
July 24, 2013 at 00:36

How about King Ralph, like that rather idiotic film from the 90′– short
“A,” and pronounce the “L,” unlike that pretentious Fiennes pronunciation.

Perhaps if we’re lucky, he’ll turn out to be a good-natured lovable slob
like his namesake. We could use someone like that. And none of this
Boris-poseur nonsense either. Let the lad be a lad.

Knowing something of
Hubbard July 23, 2013 at 20:16

Mr Gildas, it was ducklings that follow the first thing they see, not
goslings ! Really. You ought to known your Konrad Lorenz.

Alan Douglas

macheath July
23, 2013 at 22:13

Lorenz certainly reared ducklings (and jackdaws, if my memory serves me
right) but, having unintentionally become surrogate parent to a gosling, I
can vouch for the correctness of Gildas’ analogy.

We’ve been wondering whether the bookies are offering best each way or
whether you have to get the first name of the bunch. Meanwhile, following a
shopping trip today, I’ve been wondering about George Arthur Philip; he
could have his initials on everything and a lucrative corporate sponsorship
deal into the bargain.

Elena ‘andcart
July 23, 2013 at 16:45

I am really going to bore you all now. My Dad once was sent to arrest
Ghandi. And my Dad said to Ghandi, “”Get in the truck.” Ghandi said to my Dad,
“Allah be with you, my son.” and my Dad said, “Allah be with you too, mate,
get in the truck.”
It has since been pointed out to me that Ghandi was not
a Muslim, so Daddy could well have been telling porkies for which I cannot
begin to imagine why. Unfortunately, Daddy is dead now so I can’t actually ask
him. And Allah forbid, i should have spotted this sooner.

My father was a Chindit for which I am a teensy bit proud, although heaven
knows for why. He managed to get across The Irrawwady when most of The
Chindits drowned. He never got into a bath of water from that day on. Not even
on the day that I got married. Not that this has got anything to do with a
game of soldiers.
But that bloody old fraud lied to me. You know, me, who
would have adored him no matter what he did. What a fool. He left me with
nothing but lies
Allah? when Ghandi was a Hindu. Just how thick was my
father, and many other people.

Moor
Larkin July 23, 2013 at 17:51

@Elena ‘andcart

I suspect I would have been proud to have met your dad. One of the
favourite family stories about one of my Grandads is that when he was sent
to the North West of India with the Raj Army just after WWI, he got into a
bit of bother with his superiors because he objected to some of his fellow
squaddies and non-commissioneds lying about locals with their sticks for no
apparent good reason. Whenever I see newsreel of India or Pakistan, I seem
to see Indian police whacking the locals with big sticks. It must be a local
custom that Grandad could never accept I guess.

Moor Larkin July 23, 2013 at 17:52

that was “laying about” – not “lying about” …………. although I’m sure
both of them happened………..

Elena
‘andcart July 23, 2013 at 18:49

Sorry if I disillusion you. But my dear old Daddy might well have done
better if he had come home to care for his wife who just happened to be
dying of Tuberculosis at the time. And he could have done this by 1947.
But never mind, he made it to the funeral. And no doubt everyone was
pleased about that. Personally, I can’t remember if he was there or not. I
only remember that I was.
Poor old Daddy, he never quite got over the
loss of his Dobey Wallah. And I do know how he must have felt about that.
You can’t ever beat the Asians for a clean white shirt.

Ted Treen July 23, 2013 at 15:32

Well there’s no clue in Her Majesty’s diary…(yes, I have access)

Merely an entry saying:- Tuesday: Reigned all day.

OK, I REALLY will get my coat.

Ted Treen July 23, 2013 at 14:40

Kong.

Think of the future fun with “King Kong’s Koronation”…

I got carried away. Apologies for the alliteration.

Moor
Larkin July 23, 2013 at 14:50

Cole

That might help stop the Northerners favouring a breakaway republic.

Kingbingo July 23, 2013 at 14:32

‘Bingo’…..They should obviously call the child ‘Bingo’

Elena ‘andcart
July 23, 2013 at 13:47

@ Mudplugger. ROFLMAO. But Mountbatten wasn’t actually Royal, was he? This
could well have been his problem. Apart from Edwina, of course. But then he
was probably her problem.

Moor
Larkin July 23, 2013 at 14:36

@ he was probably her problem @

Not according to their daughter.
“What was remarkable in all this — as
seen through Pamela’s eyes — was her father’s dignity and forbearance, as it
had been through all the ups and downs of his marriage to Edwina. He
remained loyal to the end. As the coffin slipped below the water off the
south coast of England, Pamela recalls ‘my father standing with tears
streaming down his face. It was the only time I had ever seen him weep. He
then kissed his wreath before throwing it into the sea.’ It was the last act
of a strange marriage but one which, in its own way, had worked. He had
defied the gossip, kept up appearances and kept his family intact, however
unconventional the method. There were apparently no scenes, no public
scandal and, best of all, no acrimonious divorce. The credit for this Pamela
gives unreservedly to him.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2241195/How-wild-promiscuity-Edwina-Mountbatten–wife-Prince-Charles-mentor–took-heartbreaking-toll-children.html

Elena
‘andcart July 23, 2013 at 15:31

And nothing to be said about The Partition of India, over which he
presided. Which is just about the most awful thing that I have encountered
in my life time. Apart from the slaughter of six million Jews. But then I
suspect that more than six million Indians have died also.
I won’t bore
you with what my father’s thoughts of that. It only served to prove that I
was not my father’s daughter.
I don’t really care about who was
shagging who, excepting that she doesn’t appear to have been shagging him,
which could well have impacted on his equilibrium, presuming that he
wasn’t queer, of course. I don’t know about that. A great marriage. Well
done that man. He destroyed India.

Moor Larkin July 23, 2013 at 16:01

Maybe he was shagging someone else because she was such a cow……
Who
knows, and why should anyone care now.

I wonder what the alternative plan to partition actually was…… There
was one presumably?

Caedmon’s
Cat July 23, 2013 at 13:03

I’d settle for Bob..

Engineer July 23, 2013 at 12:35

It’s probably a bit early to be thinking of nick-names for baby Wales, but
possibilities include ‘Killer’, ‘Humpback’ and ‘Sperm’. Though on reflection,
it’s maybe nine months too late for the last one….

rdc July 23, 2013
at 12:27

Kevin….. I pick Kevin. It has a certain ring to it….. don’t think there has
ever been a King Kevin…. I wonder why …..

Engineer July 23, 2013 at 12:36

There has in Liverpool. Which probably makes it a long shot….

rdc July 23,
2013 at 13:05

… in which case, with Liverpool’s status as a european city of culture,
then the royal’s should pay homage….. remembering those heady days when
Liverpool ruled….. Long Live King Kevin ! …… I think the odds are
shortening

Dave July 23, 2013 at 10:31

Seen elsewhere on the web:

Will.I.am

Or if granddad has his way

“Will.One.Is.”

David
Duff July 23, 2013 at 10:21

I’m late again, as usual, so forgive me if someone else has already
reported that a bookmaker is offering 500:1 on ‘Hashtag’. I do think Hashtag
Windsor rolls off the tongue rather easily.

Elena ‘andcart
July 23, 2013 at 10:17

Christ, this is too cruel and too, too funny.
However, when it comes to
conventional names, they are a bit ham strung here because so many of these
names have embarrassing associations.
I like Richard, but he buggered off
on The Crusades, and was reported to be a homosexual, and we wouldn’t want the
poor little soul to be called Dicky, would we?
David is definitely out
because he buggered off as well. And the less said about his sexual
preferences, the better. And I have never been sure that her indoors wasn’t
actually a man anyway.
Edward? Well something very odd happened to him
involving a poker, but I won’t go into that.
Phillip is a Greek, so that’s
out. Bearing gifts, and all that. And The Greeks are having a bit of bother
with The EU at the moment.
So I think it will have to be James, simply
because I can’t think of anything embarrassing about him. Sixth of Scotland
and First of England, which might prevent Scotland from taking their wealth in
oil, and buggering off out of The Union.

Or there is always Erin. This would do for either sex. Yes, I know it’s a
boy. At least I think so. But who can tell in this day and age?

Moor
Larkin July 23, 2013 at 10:44

@ Yes, I know it’s a boy. At least I think so. But who can tell in this
day and age? @

Nothing to say that the first publicly acknowledged Queen has not now
been born….

Elena
‘andcart July 23, 2013 at 11:00

She will have been if Cameron has anything to do with it. Talk about
jumping the gun, and making a right pillock of himself. Retrospective my
arse.

Sorry about all of the Bum language. Put it down to Full moon.
Something odd comes over me. I’ll be alright again in a minute.

Ted Treen
July 23, 2013 at 14:08

“Cameron…making a right pillock of himself”

Not so my dear – he’s merely emphasising that which nature did to
him…

Elena
‘andcart July 23, 2013 at 14:46

Well, I never was one for castigating other people too much for
their mistakes. Made too many of those myself. But there has to be a
limit for The Prime Minister of Britain. I mean, what did he think he
was doing when no one had any idea of what sex this child was likely
to be?
But that one is gone for the next thirty years. We now have
three generations of male heirs to The Throne. And I think that is
bloody lovely.
If it ain’t broke then don’t mend it. Women will
inherit if this is how it must be, but it should remain a fall
back.
I actually can’t explain why I feel like this. I have nothing
but enormous respect for Elizabeth the Second and for Prince Phillip,
but it isn’t the true order of things.

Cascadian July 23, 2013 at 06:26

Poor little bugger, the feminists are going to insist he has a sex change
operation now -so that a female can ascend to the throne.

Moor
Larkin July 23, 2013 at 07:42

@ Poor little bugger @

That remeigns a possibility ………..

Mudplugger
July 23, 2013 at 08:30

Let’s examine those in turn…..

‘Poor’ – certainly not.
‘Little’ – at 8lb 6oz, I’m sure Kate would
disagree painfully.
‘Bugger’ – he’s a Cambridge, not a Wessex (although
admittedly with some Mountbatten heritage)

Must try harder.

Moor Larkin July 23, 2013 at 09:08

@ admittedly with some Mountbatten heritage @

Just because Lady Mountbatten was a nymphomaniac has no bearing on
the matter.

Mudplugger July
23, 2013 at 13:34

At least that’s Nehru to the truth.

cascadian
July 23, 2013 at 17:59

Which would make my point about the stupidity of the proposal,
wouldn’t it! Also “rich big heterosexual” wasn’t in the vocabulary
expressing sympathy in my day, perhaps it is now, Britain tends to
concentrate on the unimportant nonsense.

Of all the serious issues facing Britain, you have camoron and clegg
wibbling about issues that nobody except their wives are concerned
about.

Apart from that, congratulations to William and Catherine, who seem
to be a nice couple with not too many airs or graces.

GildasTheMonk
July 23, 2013 at 06:20

Wayne Kai Wili -I-Am Mandela Abu Qatada Wales

JB July 22, 2013 at 23:58

The place of conception as per the soon to be en-nobled Beckhams philosophy
opens up the Anglesey possibility
of:
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Wales
or
perhaps it could be abbreviated to Prince Wayne.

John Galt
July 22, 2013 at 22:38

Given that it has been officially announced as a boy a bet Dave Cameramong
is right pissed-off that all his posturing over “a firstborn girl must be
Queen” has now been deemed an irrelevance by the coin toss that is natures
allocation of “XX” or “XY” chromosomes.

For a name, I’m going to go with Stuart Henry Arthur George Gotha Edward
Richard (aka Shagger) Wales-Windsor-Mountbatten-Batenburg-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.
It’s a bit of a mouthful, but then again that’s what debutants were invented
for.

Tally Ho!

Ho hum July 22, 2013 at 23:21

Shouldn’t that be……..

WilliamWalesWindsor.StuartHenryArthurGeorgeGothaEdwardRichard.CamillaOnoraryMama

………….the .com, of course , being an acknowledgement of the truly
international flavour of the immigrant ancestry?

Got to keep up with the times….as well as ensuring the happiness of
…………

WildWetWitless.CallMeDave.CretinousOverlord.UtterlyKafkaesque

………..and his swivel eyed ilk, dedicated as they are to sucking up to the
Great Visionary D’Acre’s dream of a Happy Little England

Mudplugger
July 23, 2013 at 08:22

I think we can be pretty sure that Dave Cameramong, along with the rest,
has known the gender for the last six months – hence lack of any pressure on
the Commonwealth foot-draggers to confirm the change in succession rules in
each of their states. That was a bit of a blue clue.

Ho hum July 22, 2013 at 22:33

What better than he should be named after an old friend, with a motto to
match?

Regis David,
Memento placere non sexus, Britannis sumus
(Unusquisque
matrem et patrem miserabiliter defecit)

Major Bonkers
July 22, 2013 at 19:41

Britain’s most common first name is Mohammed.

Anna
Raccoon July 22, 2013 at 20:13

Mohammed Windsor – I like that idea!

PJH July 22, 2013 at 20:26

Think I’d prefer Mohammed Mountbatten-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha >:-D

GildasTheMonk
July 22, 2013 at 21:12

How true, how very true…

The Blocked Dwarf
July 22, 2013 at 19:20

The much maligned Puritans of yore has some jolly good names- such as
“If-Christ-had- not-died-for- thee-thou-hadst- been-damned” or the hopeful
“Flee-Thou-Fornication” so seeing as the Baby’s Granny is UberHead of the
Church-Wot-Is-In-England-Like maybe Kate&Wills PLC could name their sprog
“Let-Them-Eat-Duchy-Shortcake-And-Drink-Bolly”….

Major Bonkers
July 23, 2013 at 08:55

Or take a leaf from the current political soundbites: ’24 hours to save
the NHS’; ‘Education, education, education’; ‘We’re all in this
together’.

SisterEvaLongoria
July 22, 2013 at 18:15

Oh oh OH!
It is so EXCITING! And so ROMANTIC! I think Hilgedard of
Bingen would be quite good if it is a girlie, or Anne-Summers. I am going to
have to open another box of Liebfraumilch and maybe have a voddy!
I am
QUITE the giddy KIPPER!

MTG July 23, 2013 at 09:39

What’s in a name, old girl? One nude ginger nut looks much the same as
any other nude Lebkuchen.

JuliaM July 22,
2013 at 18:08

Someone on Twitter had already suggested naming it after a dragon (Smaug?
Fafnir?) just to see the look on Daviod Icke’s face…

Anna
Raccoon July 22, 2013 at 18:52

I’m waiting for someone on Icke’s site to cotton onto the fact that the
famous ‘easel’ used to announce Royal births – wasn’t used for Harry’s
birth…..

Mudplugger July 22, 2013 at 17:37

The name’s not the most important issue – right now they’re all praying for
all they’re worth that the little blighter doesn’t come out ginger, or Harry
will get a very, very long posting to Port Stanley.

Of course, it could have a bright blond(e) mop, so we may even have a
Prince Boris, or Princess Borisa.

Moor
Larkin July 22, 2013 at 18:57

@ right now they’re all praying for all they’re worth that the little
blighter doesn’t come out ginger, or Harry will get a very, very long
posting to Port Stanley. @

It’s long established in the mass media that ginger ran in Diana’s side
of the family.
I rather think Harry would be delighted if it came out
ginger………

charlotte July 22, 2013 at 19:14

Ha,ha,he,he

charlotte July 22, 2013 at 17:33

If it’s old English names I thought Chloris or Euphemia might fit the bill
for a girl babe. Augustus was quite popular with the old Hanover’s for boy
babes. No one suggested Clive, the great one of India. Maybe William will
insist on naming the child, boy or girl after the whole Aston Villa footie
team.
I’m betting on Richard or Alice. I’m certain though that if a girl
she won’t be entitled to the prefix Princess of Wales, which is only bestowed
on the male heir.

martin July 22, 2013 at 17:33

Romania. (Should appeal to the future population.)

Ed P July 22, 2013 at 17:28

If a girl how about Gay? It’s time to reclaim this previously delightful
name from its present misuse by not-at-all happy folk.

macheath July 22,
2013 at 16:53

Our only indication of their taste in names so far has been their dog,
Lupo; does this suggest it could be something classical or Italianate? (Or,
alternatively, inspired by a small car?)

I rather like the idea of Augustus, perhaps, or Aurelia.

Anna
Raccoon July 22, 2013 at 17:04

Vauxhall? Cresta? Focus?

Engineer
July 22, 2013 at 17:13

I’ll bet I could get very good odds on ‘Trabant’. Or ‘Wartburg’.

Joe Public
July 22, 2013 at 18:11

Nothing could be more Corsa

macheath July
22, 2013 at 19:06

HRH Ford Focus – nicely inconspicuous; Douglas Adams would be
proud!

Engineer
July 22, 2013 at 20:41

Wartburg William Wales – http://www.hrh.com/

Joe Public July 22, 2013 at 16:24

Or to continue the Beckhams’ trend, how about “En-Passant” – with the added
benefit it’d be gender non-specific.

Tony (Somerset)
July 22, 2013 at 17:01

Or how about “Beckham” ? ( I once heard a chav Mum address her offspring
by this name)

GildasTheMonk
July 22, 2013 at 16:04

I expect Mandela will get a look in

Wigner’s Friend
July 22, 2013 at 15:57

I favour “Artist” then he she or it can become TPFKAA (The Prince/ss
Formerly Known As Artist).

Jonathan Mason
July 22, 2013 at 15:52

Phil or Liz.

Engineer July 22, 2013 at 15:51

It needs to be something Royal, so how about Offa or Alfred Scorchcake if
it’s a boy, and perhaps Nell or Ethelflaeda if it’s a girl. Mind you, it’ll
end up as Prince/Princess of Wales (delete where inapplicable), so maybe
Eliseg, Owain Glyndwr or Angharad might do.

There again, they could just call it Georgie and be done with it.

charlotte July 22, 2013 at 17:25

I really like the name Angharad, and think it to be a very noble Welsh
name. My brother is called Glyndwr, being born in England it’s unfortunate
that no on can pronounce his full name and he’s always called Glyn. Glyndwr
is even difficult to write phonetically as it has no English vowels. Hence
most English people pronounce the Prince’s name as Owen Glendower.

PJH July 22, 2013 at 18:58

Probably a minor point, but shouldn’t that be spelled Glyndŵr?

charlotte
July 22, 2013 at 19:12

Yes it should but I don’t know where to find the little devil that
go’s over the W on the computer, sorry.

Elena ‘andcart
July 23, 2013 at 09:51

Dyke? No, perhaps not.

Woodsy42 July 22,
2013 at 15:38

Diana will be in the list somewhere as a second or third christian name if
it’s a girl.