Last week, a focus group of Dentistâs assistants in Sunderland told Cami-knickersâ re-election agent that pensioners had had it too good for too long â before the week was out we had sound bites galore as to how âwealthy pensionersâ were going to be forced to give something back to the younger generationâ¦
This week, someone figured out that pensioners were the only ones that voted these days, and there was an about turn. A focus group of elderly school matrons was hurriedly convened. What did they think was wrong with the country?
âWell, that Mark Williams-Thomas says its all this child porn on that Internety thingy that causes murders and heâs such a nice man with his cats and everything.â
âAnd that Google, they donât pay as much tax as they could do, so you ought to do something about thatâ.
Thus was born this weekâs initiative. In a speech to the NSPCC â who else, you wouldnât expect him to speak to the voters would you? â
he decreed that in order to purge the world of the menace of cold calling, he was banning the publication of the phone book he decreed that in future only the sort of people who go round murdering children â i.e. adults â would be allowed to opt into seeing the Google directory of sites where you can see child porn. Children wouldnât be able to access it. Thatâs a relief then, pensioners need not live in fear that some five year old who can spell âsnuff pornâ is going to murder them in their beds.
Itâs a double whammy, because it also placates all those morons who canât figure out why Google only pay the tax the law says they ought to, in the country that they are tax resident in. Just like the rest of us. It brought forward a masterpiece of a press release from Google.
âWe recently donated $5m (Â£3.28m) to help combat this problem and are committed to continuing the dialogue with the Government on these issues.â
I translate that as â âIf this is the result of donating $5m to CEOPS, then we need to talk againâ¦.â
Are we to assume that our children will be safe from the dangers of the digital screen â hardly? In a separate press release from the American Academy of Paediatrics, we learn of the 215 deaths of innocent young children directly attributable to digital screensâ¦.falling on their headsâ¦!
How is Cameron going to deal with that? Ban the Radio Times?
Once upon a time, we had a government in hock to the Animal Rights activists, and we ended up with foxes being shot instead of eaten by the hounds. Now we seem to have a government in hock to the NSPCC, and the good people of Penistone will have seen their last tourist directed to their tourism web siteâ¦
I suppose Ms Raccoon will have to change the title of her masterpiece on the subject of the delight Sky took in showing pictures of Libyan pilots being killed â âSnuff Pornâ â and as for the travails of the German people in an age of austerity â the âAll you can eat Pussy Clubâ â that will have to go too.
Given that members of Nigel Farageâs party (or Fatage, as he was delightfully christened this morning by his press agent) are such a danger to children that they cannot adopt, I wonder whether âUKIPâ will make it onto the list of banned words for which one can no longer search?
Back in January, the European Commission issued its diktats for the on-line world:
âAll EU countries should have independent media councils with a politically and culturally balanced and socially diverse membership […] Media councils should have real enforcement powers, such as the imposition of fines, orders for printed or broadcast apologies, or removal of journalistic status. The national media councils should follow a set of European-wide standards and be monitored by the Commission to ensure that they comply with European values.
[…] In addition, the new media environment increases the importance of âgate-keepersâ, digital intermediaries who are the access route to the internet (for example search engines and social networks); whose personalisation of content risks creating a âfilter bubbleâ for the reader â or internet service providers, who have the ability to arbitrarily censor citizensâ connections to the internet. For these actors, only the EU has the effective capacity to regulate them, given its role in competition policy and the transnational character of these actors.
Poor old Cami-knickers. Just doing as he is told reallyâ¦
Whoops! Thatâs it folks, the 83,449,239,949th person to emerge into this world has commenced its journey down a perfectly ordinary vagina â there will be no more political news until we all have to discuss how much it costs to keep it alive, whether it ought to go by bus to Waitangi to view naked breasts dancing and whether we should vote for a Head of State instead. So much cheaper, doncha know?