1. Which famous manuscript crucial to Britain’s democracy and values was signed at Runnymede?
a. Magna Carta
b. Wind in the Willows
c. “Hello” Magazine
2. Which ancient National Treasure is now kept under armed guard in the Tower of London, but can be gawped at by visitors paying a small fee?
a. The Crown Jewels
b. The Stone of Scone
c. Ann Widdicombe
3. A “full English breakfast” consists what?
a. Egg, bacon, sausage and mushrooms, toast
b. Orange juice and muesli
c. A blow job, a cigarette and a pot of tea
4. Which of the following are famously worn by Englishmen on their heads?
a. Bowler hats
b. Deely bobbers
5. If a pregnant lady is standing on a bus or a train because of lack of room, it is customary to do what?
a. Give up your seat for her
b. Ignore her and play on your iphone, steadfastly not making eye contact?
c. Open a can of Special Brew and leer at her as you say “I know what you’ve been doing, darlin’”
6. What is the famous “catch phrase” often associated with British policemen?
a. “’Ello ’ello ’ello! What’s going on here, then?”
b. “Book him, Danno!”
c. “No…I think he’s dead”
7. Buckingham Palace is the official State Residence of whom?
a. The Queen
b. Cherie Blair
c. Posh and Becks
8. The Mersey Tunnel is what?
a. A major road which connects Liverpool to the Wirral Peninsular
b. A type of folk dance
c. A sexually avaricious blond in “Hollyoaks”
9. When swearing an oath at an important public ceremony it is customary to place one’s hand on what?
a. The Bible, Koran or other Holy Book
b. Readers’ Digest
c. “Fifty Shades of Gray”
10. Which of the following are now often sported by young girls as popular fashion statement indicating their support for a popular cause?
a. Rubber wrist bands
b. The Burkha
11. What are the two most popular British sports?
a. Football and cricket
b. Cluedo and Kerrplunk
c. Binge drinking and signing on
12. What is the first line of the British National Anthem?
a. God save our gracious Queen
b. Who ate all the pies?
c. :پاک سرزمین شاد باد
13. Which famous person led the country as Prime Minister from 1997 to 2007 and is famous for referring to himself as “a pretty reasonable kind of guy”?
a. Tony Blair
b. Peter Mandelson
c. Jimmy Savile
14. In spring time what do villagers traditionally dance around at the local village green?
a. A “maypole”
b. James Delingpole
c. A Polish immigrant
15. The national dishes of the English are often considered to be what?
a. Roast beef and fish and chips
b. A kebab and a curry
c. A sausage roll and packet of crisps from Greggs
16. What went down in 1912 with catastrophic and disastrous consequences for all concerned ?
a. The Titanic
b. The Hindenburg
c. Gillian Taylforth
17. The “Battle of Britain” refers to what?
a. The RAF’s fight against the Luftwaffe in 1940
b. A football match between Glasgow Rangers and any English club
c. The last eviction on Big Brother
18. Who was Britain’s first woman Prime Minister, still very popular despite ageing and clearly suffering from outwards signs of dementia?
a. Margaret Thatcher
b. Kay Burley
c. Lady Gaga
19. Who or what is commonly referred to as “Big Ben”?
a. A huge clock and bell in the Palace of Westminster
b. An X Factor contestant
c. An internet porn star
20. When a young person reaches 21, it is traditional to present them with what:
a. A symbolic key to the door
b. A sex toy
c. A plasma screen TV and 24 cans of lager
21. Who said “I may be a body of a week and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King!”
a. Queen Elizabeth I
c. Nigella Lawson
22. Who is traditionally regarded as the Patron Saint of England?
a. St George
b. Jamie Oliver
c. Jeremy Kyle
Mostly “As”: Sorry, no go. You plainly know nothing about Britain. Please re-apply after 10 years in exile.
Mostly “Bs”: Not bad. You are getting a feel for the UK, but more practice on the couch swilling lager is required.
Mostly “Cs”: You will be a model citizen!
Randy Hack, Domestic Affairs Reporter