1. Which famous manuscript crucial to Britain’s democracy and values was signed at Runnymede?

a. Magna Carta

b. Wind in the Willows

c. “Hello” Magazine

2. Which ancient National Treasure is now kept under armed guard in the Tower of London, but can be gawped at by visitors paying a small fee?

a. The Crown Jewels

b. The Stone of Scone

c. Ann Widdicombe

3. A “full English breakfast” consists what?

a. Egg, bacon, sausage and mushrooms, toast

b. Orange juice and muesli

c. A blow job, a cigarette and a pot of tea

4. Which of the following are famously worn by Englishmen on their heads?

a. Bowler hats

b. Deely bobbers

c. Jordan

5. If a pregnant lady is standing on a bus or a train because of lack of room, it is customary to do what?

a. Give up your seat for her

b. Ignore her and play on your iphone, steadfastly not making eye contact?

c. Open a can of Special Brew and leer at her as you say “I know what you’ve been doing, darlin’”

6. What is the famous “catch phrase” often associated with British policemen?

a. “’Ello ’ello ’ello! What’s going on here, then?”

b. “Book him, Danno!”

c. “No…I think he’s dead”

7. Buckingham Palace is the official State Residence of whom?

a. The Queen

b. Cherie Blair

c. Posh and Becks

8. The Mersey Tunnel is what?

a. A major road which connects Liverpool to the Wirral Peninsular

b. A type of folk dance

c. A sexually avaricious blond in “Hollyoaks”

9. When swearing an oath at an important public ceremony it is customary to place one’s hand on what?

a. The Bible, Koran or other Holy Book

b. Readers’ Digest

c. “Fifty Shades of Gray”

10. Which of the following are now often sported by young girls as popular fashion statement indicating their support for a popular cause?

a. Rubber wrist bands

b. The Burkha

c. Chlamydia

11. What are the two most popular British sports?

a. Football and cricket

b. Cluedo and Kerrplunk

c. Binge drinking and signing on

12. What is the first line of the British National Anthem?

a. God save our gracious Queen

b. Who ate all the pies?

c. :پاک سرزمین شاد باد

13. Which famous person led the country as Prime Minister from 1997 to 2007 and is famous for referring to himself as “a pretty reasonable kind of guy”?

a. Tony Blair

b. Peter Mandelson

c. Jimmy Savile

14. In spring time what do villagers traditionally dance around at the local village green?

a. A “maypole”

b. James Delingpole

c. A Polish immigrant

15. The national dishes of the English are often considered to be what?

a. Roast beef and fish and chips

b. A kebab and a curry

c. A sausage roll and packet of crisps from Greggs

16. What went down in 1912 with catastrophic and disastrous consequences for all concerned ?

a. The Titanic

b. The Hindenburg

c. Gillian Taylforth

17. The “Battle of Britain” refers to what?

a. The RAF’s fight against the Luftwaffe in 1940

b. A football match between Glasgow Rangers and any English club

c. The last eviction on Big Brother

18. Who was Britain’s first woman Prime Minister, still very popular despite ageing and clearly suffering from outwards signs of dementia?

a. Margaret Thatcher

b. Kay Burley

c. Lady Gaga

19. Who or what is commonly referred to as “Big Ben”?

a. A huge clock and bell in the Palace of Westminster

b. An X Factor contestant

c. An internet porn star

20. When a young person reaches 21, it is traditional to present them with what:

a. A symbolic key to the door

b. A sex toy

c. A plasma screen TV and 24 cans of lager

21. Who said “I may be a body of a week and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a King!”

a. Queen Elizabeth I

b. Gazza

c. Nigella Lawson

22. Who is traditionally regarded as the Patron Saint of England?

a. St George

b. Jamie Oliver

c. Jeremy Kyle

Results:

Mostly “As”: Sorry, no go. You plainly know nothing about Britain. Please re-apply after 10 years in exile.

Mostly “Bs”: Not bad. You are getting a feel for the UK, but more practice on the couch swilling lager is required.

Mostly “Cs”: You will be a model citizen!

Randy Hack, Domestic Affairs Reporter

JOHYN MALPAS
February 1, 2013 at 20:51

None of the above will matter because you will be living in ‘EU tax zone
x.’
Any nationalsm will be punished as a form of racism. The authur of the
quiz will be charged with uttering a document in a restricted language to whit
‘English’.

Cascadian January 30, 2013 at 05:29

Lucky me, I am exiled for a further ten years, by which time Scotland and
Wales will be gone, London will be an unrecognizable third-world dormitory of
welfare cases, electricity will be available on alternate days only, vehicles
will be towed by horses and I will have even less desire to visit.

Demetrius January
29, 2013 at 13:23

With all “C”‘s do I get a really nice place in Knightsbridge or South
Kensington for me and my family on full taxpayer support?

Cascadian January 30, 2013 at 05:37

Only if you leave the country, return penniless and claim asylum, a few
kids would help if you want a larger place, you can rent them in Calais.

DtP January 29, 2013 at 11:15

I’ve been having rubbish full english breakfasts apparently!!

Citizen
Daedalus X. Parrot January 29, 2013 at
10:33

23. What is Her Majesty’s Prison service?

(a) An essential element of the justice system, to act as a means of
punishment and deterrent to reoffence and, where possible, to rehabilitate
criminals.

(b) A popular theme park visited by a wide range of British and foreign
citizens, from teenagers to aging grandparents.

(c) An excellent care home that provides free accommodation, good cuisine,
health care and expensive gym and recreational facilities. For those whose
recreational activities include the use of exotic substances, there are
adequate opportunities to find a supplier.

There is also an open door policy that allows many to return to civvy
street without being bothered by any guards.

24. What is the British Criminal Justice System?

(a) A system that enforces the law fairly, without prejudice and in an
effective way in order to protect the innocent citizen and to properly punish
law breakers.

(b) An old joke.

(c) A system of harassment to the innocent and provider of goods and
services to law breakers. Those of any ethnic or religious minorities are
given preferable treatment.

25. What is the EU?

(a) A club of nations whose close union allows members to benefit on many
fronts from a trading area, to cooperation on enlightened and universally
beneficial domestic and foreign policies. Economic prosperity and human rights
are assured for all.

(b) A nasty chemical additive.

(c) A club of nations dominated by France and Germany with a soviet-style
system of faux democracy, where laws are made by a narrow socialist and
statist elite whose members remain in power for longer than many monarchs and
dictators. Its system of regulation is one of the most complex in human
history. It is one of the most expensive (two parliaments are used in
alternation), most financially unaccountable (accounts not signed off for over
15 years) and corrupt (EU laws are often not enforced in many nations when
they are not in the local national interest).

The system is designed to promote the agricultural, energy, engineering,
automotive, financial and chemical industries of France, Germany and Spain via
subsidy and petty regulations which are only selectively enforced by idiot
nations such as Britain.

26. The British education system is one of the best in the world
because:

(a) The Comprehensive school system, staffed by the best teachers in the
world, allows the majority of British-born children to get high grades in key
subjects such as maths, English, languages and the sciences and to go on to
get high profile jobs and to be in positions of power in all walks of
life.

One of the underpinning elements of the Comprehensive system is the way
teachers are continuously held to account and encouraged to improve childrens’
education. The educational achievements of British children continue to go up
in international league tables.

Beacons of world academia such as Oxford and Cambridge are peopled mostly
by those who passed through the British Comprehensive education system.

(b) I read it on a BBC website so it must be true.

(c) The private schools, or the few remaining Grammar schools, allow the
majority of well-funded British-born children and many foreign children to get
high grades in key subjects such as maths, English, languages and the sciences
and to go on to get high profile jobs and to be in positions of power in all
walks of life.

One of the underpinning elements of the Comprehensive system is the way
teachers are continuously not held to account and not encouraged to improve
childrens’ education. Only a handful of teachers have been sacked for
incompetence in the last twenty years. The educational achievements of British
children continue to plummet in international league tables.

Beacons of world academia such as Oxford and Cambridge are peopled mostly
by those born outside the UK, those from private schools, or those whose
parents paid for tuition.

Ted Treen January 29, 2013 at 11:41

Beautifully but unfortunately spot-on!

Mudplugger January 29, 2013 at 09:52

Great fun. With all those ‘C’s, I should be a model citizen of Essex.

GildasTheMonk
January 29, 2013 at 09:09

Further contributions, please?

SagaxSenex January 29, 2013 at 09:00

Heck! This is the first quiz I want to answer “All of the above” to each
and every question. Well done! Can I get my full English breakfast now,
please?

Dioclese January
29, 2013 at 08:40

It’s been a long time since I laughed out loud! Thanks.

Andy January 29, 2013 at 08:37

Shouldn’t 6c. be he fell down the stairs guv, several times?

Joe Public January 29, 2013 at 08:34

Thanks for that, Mr Hack.

A brilliant start for the day.