My, but the Police are unhappy this morning. Bawling their eyes out in fact.
The Assistant Commissioner, Simon Byrne, has described Detectives as âConstables in T-shirts and jeansâ thereby upsetting everyone. The detectives are upset at the insinuation that they are no better than your âornery, plodding the streets, copper; when the fact that they mostly worked office hours and didnât have to spend frosty mornings cleaning up the vomit on the back seat of their Panda had led them to believe that they were a cut above, special even â and the rank and file, those that are expected to fulfil every function under the sun from mental health expert to social worker to diplomat in the full unforgiving gaze of the public eye are equally pissed off to find that their white-collar â or T-shirt and jean clad – colleagues had actually been looking down on them all this time. A stroke of genius AC Byrne. Even Gordon Brown struggled to piss off everyone simultaneously.
Personally, and at the risk of having on-line Plod land firmly on my head, I think he is right. Whilst there will always be a call for highly specialised branches of investigation like fraud, or art theft â it does seem ridiculous to have a caste system within the police, whereby the front line copper who knows every car thief on his patch is not considered capable of investigating a car theft. Considering that all detectives start life as constables, they didnât magically acquire a higher intelligence when they made it to DC, merely more training â so why not train all policemen to the same level?
But if Byrne has upset the delicate balance of one up-man ship within the police force, his next suggestion will generate endless headlines. He wants to station front desk police inside supermarkets and post offices. It probably sounded sensible in the think tank, why have special buildings just to report a crime, why not have the facility where the people already are? Probably because he had never investigated the caste system that operates within British supermarkets. If you own a multi-million pound house in Islington, you donât do your shopping in Lidl or the local Poundshop, thatâs why. If the burglary in your multi-million million pound house in Islington has traumatised you, that is as nothing to being forced to jostle in the queue at Poundland along with the overweight Kylieâs and Craigâs in order to report the incident. The fun will really start when the Guardian run articles explaining why Sharon didnât report that an ageing celebrity shouted âwot abaht it darlinâ at her 30 years ago because âshe didnât feel at ease in Waitroseâ with all those posh peopleâ¦
Anybody would think that the police were just a commodity, to be displayed alongside the turnipsâ¦I didnât realise until I started looking into this that Tescoâs already sponsor police cars and build police stations.
Shall we have âseven or less crimes to reportâ desks, or âself reportageâ aisles with scanners for your ankle tag? Tannoy announcements for âPlod to aisle seven pleaseâ? Will you be able to get a home delivery of a policeman? âAsk a Policemanâ reduced to âWhereâs the Baked Beansâ? Extra Nectar points for the habitual offender?
I foresee hours of fun from this one, still at least the doughnuts will be handy. Whereâs a policeman when you need one? At the doughnut counterâ¦
A special prize for the best good humoured one liner on this subject today. Probably a doughnut!