Whoever said the Tories were out of touch with the ordinary man in the street?

The Justice secretary, Chris Grayling has come up with a corker of a wheel re-invention this morning.

Grayling says he wants “old lags”, including former gang members, to meet newly released inmates at the prison gates to act as mentors and help them get their lives back together again.

Not only – but also, he wants them to be paid on;

a “payment by results” basis.

Now anyone living within hailing distance of Wandsworth prison or Wormwood Scrubs rather than salubrious Pimlico would have known that this scheme (albeit unpaid) has been in operation for donkey’s years.

Stretch limos, Rolls Royces, and other luxury cars regularly convey ‘old lags’ and ‘gang members’ to the gates of HM prison establishments, the occupants often swigging champagne and puffing on cigars, in order to greet newly released prisoners and act as mentors to help them get their lives back together…

‘Awright Dodger, dun yer time, ave a cigar me old mate – got a nice little tickle laid on for you next week, we’ll get yer back in the swing of it in no time’…….

/facepalm.

Frankie November 21, 2012 at 20:22

What is proposed, I think, is a formalisation of the established process
whereby more experienced crooks teach young ‘scrotes’ the best way of
robbing/thieving/criminality. A sort of University for Thieving Toerags, with
your own personal tutor, paid for by the state…

You could not make this stuff up!

Cascadian November 21, 2012 at 23:41

The University of Thieving Toerags is inside, the Institute of Applied
Thievery and Toe-ragism begins upon release.

Sounds like a job retraining scheme for MP’s caught in the expenses
fiddle .

Frankie November 22, 2012 at 22:53

I bow to your superior knowledge on the subject… Spot on regarding
those nefarious MP’s!

Joe Public November 21, 2012 at 17:53

Has Mr Grayling fully considered the unintended consequence of “the old
lags” (i.e. those who’ve demonstrably honed their skills to now avoid
detection), meeting up to train those plainly having a skills-shortage?

Span Ows is correct about the remuneration package.

Span Ows November 21, 2012 at 16:40

Not sure how the payment by results will work, is it a cut of the
takings?

Robb November 21, 2012 at 16:33

A memorable series of British films certainly depicted the situation you
describe. The lags–old and new–were invariably working class. Doubtless
reflecting the reality, then as now.

Noel Coward was a notable exception in ‘The Italian Job’. No modifier
necessary with him. He was simply class.

Occasionally Denis Price or Alec Guinness would fill in.

guthrie November 21, 2012 at 23:19

The reality of the ones that get caught. There’s plenty more crime going
on amongst richer folk who are more careful where and how to embezzle or
suchlike and thus don’t get caught so easily.

Brian November 21,
2012 at 13:18

So Chris Grayling will smash wheels like this to reinvent them. There was a Rolf Harris
vet programme on Channel 5 last night which showed Liverpool vets gelding a
stallion. Three convictions and their goolies go would be worth piloting
against recidivists.

Brian November
21, 2012 at 17:59

Payment by results has a good track record in public sector outsourcing.

Ted Treen November 21, 2012 at 13:02

…but Anna, who’s going to pull up in Parliament Square in their Rolls,
Bentley or Hummer to offer a helping hand to ex-MPs after the next
election?
They might not be quite as criminal as the Scrubs Leavers, but
they’re not far off.
Surely we shouldn’t discriminate against this most
enterprising section of the criminal class.