The Green Party conference in Bristol is turning into the gift that keeps on giving.
On Friday we heard that the Party of just ONE MP (fielded 300 candidates, just one elected) was the new opposition. All one of them. The entire Labour benches usurped by just one MP? If you say so Caroline!
“The Greens now represent the only Party offering genuine opposition to the government’s austerity agenda…We are the opposition. We can do it because we have the vision of a better, more equal, healthier Britain, and we know how to get there.”
Yesterday they unveiled their ideas to solve the countries economic crisis. Turnips. Or it could be Tatties. Anyway, Dig Up My Back Yard is going to revolutionise the country. D.U.M.B.Y’s wondering whether they should have taken up Cameron’s offer of cheap finance for a Conserve-a-Tory transformed into rows of happily smiling peasants
smoking their pipes, whoops, scrub that, leaning on their sustainable wooden fences, feet clad in recycled tyres, swapping recipes for Woolton Pie whilst waiting for the Carrot Fly to arrive and demonstrate its own unerring sustainability.
Talking of Sustainability. They want Fred the Shred’s old empire of hungry capitalist banking sharks to be renamed as the cuddly “Royal Bank of Sustainability”. Preferential loans given to lentil eaters. Preferably those with daft ideas involving welding bicycles to parachutes in order to harness wind power.
Along the way, they want to renationalise the Railways (someone has to convey the city dwelling cycling mafia to the leafy green lanes…) institute a Personal Carbon Trading Scheme (If you pick Jemima up from school in your Chelsea Tractor for the next six months, I can go to the Seychelles on holiday this year) bring in a 20mph speed limit in cities and towns (do you hear that cyclists, will apply to you too) and decimate the house building sector by forcing everyone to grow turnips in their back garden instead of sensibly selling it off as a building plot.
Oh, and they want to display their new ‘pro-business’ stance by forcing employers to up the minimum wage to a ‘living wage’ whatever that is. Won’t be much once we’re all living on Turnips.
There’s enough hot air coming out of this conference to power 25% of the national grid. Harness it. You know it makes sense.
More installments from the Neeps to Tatties Conference as they come in.