I’ve just turned on the news to see ‘the best of Britain’ to quote our glorious leader…

Shot of a grey leaden sky over the Olympic stadium, cut to a grubby Union Jack fluttering somewhere in London. Some athlete jumped up and down three times holding the Olympic torch (sooo exciting) and then boarding the Gloriana – voice over tells us that  ’90 year olds’ have been found to row the Gloriana down the river, cheered on by two dozens school kids standing ankle deep in muddy water on the riverside. Cut to a desultory straggle of people arriving for the opening ceremony. Gloriana ‘rang her bell’ (whoa!) an event answered by Big Ben ringing its bell for a whole three minutes.

Dame Kelly Homes is overwhelmed by the whole thing, apparently.

Now we are off to Stratford Station to witness the cleaning crews jumping aboard the train the very second it empties in order to clean it before it goes back to central London…..

And a ‘senior manager’ from the tube company is standing by to direct commuters…..it is, apparently, ‘a great honour, a wonderful privilege’ to be doing so….

Cut to shot of Buckingham Palace, flunky steps forward to open car door of visiting dignitary foisted upon our much maligned Monarch for dinner – dignitary promptly gets out of other side of car, missing red carpet all together and totally baffling flunky….

Jeremy Hunt’s bell end flies off, leaving him holding his knob…

Gad, I may fall asleep before it even starts.

cascadian July 29, 2012 at 02:01

I feel vindicated -the Queen of culture has spoken wisely.

Gloria Smudd
July 29, 2012 at 00:55

Oh, how I hated it. If those in charge of putting on last night’s show
haven’t yet grasped that “interpretation through the medium of modern dance”
does no-one any favours, then God help us. And Isambard Kingdom Brannagh in a
stove-pipe hat? Words fail me.
I can only think that the whole Olympic 2012
think-tank fell so in love with the mawkish Georgian county idyll that they
couldn’t see how trite and daft it was and, until the last minute, they felt
sure that Colin Firth would agree to emerging from a lake with an angrily
lustful look in his eye, bringing a Hollywood Moment to East London; but then
he didn’t do it, did he?

Who in the Olympic Committee decided against:-

Newton
Darwin
Crick & Watson
Denis Gabor*
Timothy
Berner-Lee*
Peter Higgs – Higg’s Boson – surely you’ve heard of that??

I would have been impressed by 200ft high holographic illustrations of the
discovery of gravity, the theory of evolution and the discovery of DNA while
hundreds of interpretive dancers in the stadium had threaded their double
helixes through other dancers representing the mathmathics of gravity who in
turn writhed in unison with yet more dancers representing, say, the theory of
Natural Selection, Interpretation through the medium of modern dance isn’t
necessarily a bad thing, but to my mind, a national display of 100+ Carry On
Matrons in the arena jiving by pretentdy-ill kiddies didn’t make me want to
sing out my pride . . .

I liked the faux-forged Olympic rings and their cascading sparks. I liked
how the ‘cauldron’ raised. I liked Our Queen trotting off with Daniel Craig
into a helicopter & parachuting down. I liked all of the illusion. My
heart sank when it was Macca chosen for the finale and my teeth went on edge
at the first sign of Hey, Jude. I turned the TV off and went to be before the
final twenty minutes of “La, la, la, lala-lalah, lala-lalah, hey Jude !”

(* Denis Gabor, although Hungarian-born, became an English Citizen in 1946,
inventing holography and Timothy Berners-Lee* who gave the world the dubious
gift of www. and, to be fair, he was shown sitting at a desk during the show
‘inventing’ it.)

cascadian July 28, 2012 at 22:45

It was worse than expected, a celebration of everything juvenile and the
trashy culture in which they are being raised. Excellence was studied and
deemed too exclusive and therefore thrown in the dumpster.

Only bright spots, the bell and the cauldron in which yUK showed it can
still produce items of exquisite beauty and lead in sixteenth? century
technologies.

Other stuff I learned, Britons yearn to to live in Hobbiton, the industrial
revolution was very bad, the NHS has a nurse to patient ratio of approx 3:1
but relies on fairy-tales to solve its problems. Childrens choirs have fallen
a fair bit in quality since my day, modern dance does not need to be
synchronous, Sgt Peppers fetishists are at least as important as the Chelsea
pensioners, that a ravaged hulk of what was once the most athletic boxer needs
to be paraded to fulfil the organizers “inclusivity” theme and Brit fashion is
truly an oxymoron judging by the teams kit-which was aptly described as
Bacofoil fashion elsewhere. Brit cyclists apparently are provided with lighted
wings (to whisk them to heaven? after they are run over), then again perhaps
they mugged the country name placard girls, the bizarre framework was surely
missing something.

McCartney did not disappoint, he terminated the proceedings on a low
point.

Everything after the forging of the rings above the arena was a massive
waste of time and money.

gladiolys July 28, 2012 at 22:53

You know what? If you shrugged off that heavy mantle of cynicism in which
you shroud yourself, you might have seen the whole event as a bit of fun, a
riposte to regimented authoritarianism, a flight of fancy, a celebration of
the surreal, an honouring of our past, a reflection on our present, and a
consideration that a nation’s capital and history both reside in its people,
who do their best to get through the day, whatever the circumstances, with
humour and resilience, and that a country is not about the people who run
it, but those who live there. Oh, I forgot, do you actually live here?

It was truly spectacular and made me proud to be British.

cascadian
July 29, 2012 at 00:36

You know what, if you removed your rose-tinted glasses, and allowed
that people are entitled to an opinion, you also might see that instead of
the supposed Olympic ideals to aspire to excellence, the evening was a
“celebration” of the second rate and an under-achieving yoof culture,
interspersed with a dash of humour.

You ask if I live here-no I do not, I live in Vancouver, Canada where
we recently held the winter Olympics and suffered all the disastrous
negative effects that the Olympics seem to bring. I can however claim some
connection to Stratford, I was born within a mile of the stadium, a
deprived area in normal circumstances but made worse by after-the-war
economic conditions, I grew up in the docklands area and Essex in council
housing, I received a fine secondary modern education, so lectures about
humour and resilience make me smile. You astutely make the point that a
country’s success is dependent on it’s populace, I would agree and perhaps
that’s why I found the exposition so dreadful, there was a complete lack
of aspiration to excellence, the coarse culture and the absurd was
displayed and celebrated, periods of great growth for the working-class
were denigrated and wishful thinking abounded.

I am truly happy you found the event spectacular, there were indeed
moments of spectacle up to the point of the forging of the rings, though
not enough to warrant an expenditure of £29million.

David July 30, 2012 at 09:07

Completely agree gladiolys. Against my better judgment, I love it. Even
the NHS stuff was pleasingly surreal. Spectacular, eclectic, irreverent,
energetic fun. I also felt proud to be British.

GildasTheMonk
July 28, 2012 at 10:03

I was actually, against my better judgment I started to get quite excited
about the Opening Ceremony. Surely we couldnt get it wrong, could be? Call Me
Dave had after all doubled rhe budget to £2( million. I have to say I think
Tubb got it right above. There was one awesome moment as chimneys arose and an
industrial inferno, it was a load of old tosh, and either uncomprehesible
gibberish or just rubbish. There was a man sitting at at desk at one point,
and I assume the world will think that all children in England are sick and
confined to bed where they are attended to by dancing nurses and are regularly
chased by werewolves and peadophiles – which may on reflection be be
true.
I had in fact written to the Ceremony’s director, one Mr Boyle, and
made what I considered helpful and constructive proposals for “tableaux” or
re-enactments which would have symbolised what out Nation is all about.
I
can see the logistical difficulties in re-enacting the burning of St Albans
and the massacre of 70,000 inhabitants by the Icini, but I felt it would have
been a good start. Thereafter, I siggested little vignettes including the
Battle of Hastings (I know we would have had to change the ending, but never
mind that), and also Agincourt, and maybe some Crusaders and Knights Templar
seizing Jerusalem and slaughtering everyone in sight – not very “right on”, I
grant you, but it would have got the crowd going, I think.
To reflect our
Island/naval heritage a lovely water based section should have been included
in which the Spanish Armada (manned by symbolic bankers – a nice touch eh?) is
scattered and sunk, before we morphed into the utter destruction of a French
Galley at the hands of some Jolly Tars at Trafalgar.
I think the Charge of
the Scots Grays would have been good, and very “inclusive” and “on message”
because you could say the word “Scot” over and over again.
I think my
“Dambusters” section would have been good too, and spectacular, and the music
was already written, although the crowd might have got a bit wet and I can see
that there was potential for damage to the stadium. Still, needs must!
And
you could have had David Beckham escaping from a wooden horse afterwards, not
driving a silly boat.
I am not a complete fuddy duddy, and I know that
there should be a nod to modern, “multi cultural” Britain, so I suggested some
un married mums, scenes of Somali Refugee knife crime, Keith Vaz, and a man
off his head on alcohol, followed by a recreation of last summer’s riots, all
to the soundtrack of “I predict a riot” by the Kaiser Chiefs.
As it was, my
helpful suggestions were not taken on board. A pity. I feel they would have
done wonders for international relations.
G the M

GildasTheMonk
July 28, 2012 at 10:05

Sorry that should be £29 million”

Ed P July 28, 2012 at 10:10

Beckham could have been the Wicker Man, lit by the Limprick flame –
that’d’ve been worth seeing.

cascadian July 29, 2012 at 01:57

You need only visit Leytonstone High Street or Stratford Broadway on a
Saturday night to see these re-enactments. Des Boyle at least had the good
grace to stage something original.

Ljh July 28, 2012 at 09:59

After listening to Macca, I am more sympathetic to the officitariate who
cut his doubleact with Springsteen. The man simply cannot sing any more and
now the whole world knows it!

Saul July 28, 2012 at 09:23

The Limpicks are here, like it or not. There will be a few critics but on
the whole it wasn’t a bad show (bloody cost enough). Everyone has their
favourite sport and thanks to the BBC you have 30+ channells to watch it on.
So come on, let’s see some Limpick spirit around here.

Tubb July 27, 2012 at 22:53

Have just been watching the opening ceremony. Apart from the first section
with the chimneys and depictions of the dark satanic mills the rest has been
much as I had feared: dreadfull dancing, amateurish tat, a cringeworthy,
predictably PC homage to the NHS and the most tasteless, ghastly choreography
accompanying the rather well and touchingly sung ‘Abide with me’. Very, very
occasional touches of brilliance but generally fourth rate. Just like Britain,
I suppose, so one has to admit it was appropriate.

JuliaM July 28,
2012 at 05:42

The Red Arrows came right over my house. After that, everything was going
to be an anti climax.

penseivat
July 28, 2012 at 09:11

Do you mean ‘flew’ over your house, or did the planes wobble a bit as
the pilots lost concentration?

Bill
Sticker July 29, 2012 at
05:24

You owe me a new keyboard for that. I just snorted tea all over it.
New uses for ejector seats perchance?

Woman on a
Raft July 29, 2012 at 18:28

predictably PC homage to the NHS

Look again, beyond the letters. Boyle perhaps knew better what he was
doing than he is given credit for.

After a long campaign by Dr Charles West, the Hospital for Sick
Children was founded on 14 February 1852 and was the first hospital
providing in-patient beds specifically for children in the English-speaking
world. Despite opening with just 10 beds, it grew into the world’s
leading children’s hospital through the patronage of Queen Victoria,
counting Charles Dickens, a personal friend of Dr West, the Chief Physician,
as one of its first fundraisers.

The setting Boyle chose was at least 30 years before NHS, around the
first decade of the 20th Century to coincide with Peter Pan, although people
seem to have missed that the costumes told a more complex story than a PC
reading would allow.

Of course it is possible Boyle just has a vague notion that before the
NHS there was no medicine – there are a lot of people who seem to think
that.

Engineer July 27, 2012 at 20:51

I know it’s very remiss of me, but when they said the opening ceremony was
a flavour of Britishness, I had a vision of a slightly badly-dressed chap with
a paper of soggy chips and a Thermos of tea huddled under an umbrella and
saying, “Never mind, mustn’t grumble” to the chap next to him.

Dioclese July 27,
2012 at 20:10

Well, let’s hope I’m not psychic and my prediction comes true in a couple
of hours time!

http://dioclese.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/the-2012-olympic-bomb.html

I’m sitting here watching Beethoven on the proms on BBC4. Much more
interesting…

Mudplugger
July 27, 2012 at 20:16

Good God, have they dug Ludwig up too ?

Elena ‘andcart
July 27, 2012 at 19:58

“Leaving him holding his knob.” Mad cackle fro me. I nearly fell asleep
hours ago, but that woke me up for a minute. I think I’ll wait for The You
Tube Video. I really can’t face the possibility of any more disaster, and you
can bet your bottom dollar there will be at least one.

JuliaM July 27,
2012 at 19:46

I just saw Dizzee Rascal (sp?) telling everyone he was a East London boy
from a council estate and had to stop myself saying ‘Yes, indeed, it’s not
like your accent and diction doesn’t tell us that, is it?’…

gladiolys July 28, 2012 at 20:31

We can’t all have cut glass accents. It doesn’t make us (or him) bad
people.

The Meissen
Bison July 30, 2012 at 10:36

…it’s not like your accent and diction don’t…

Haha the contagion carries into Essex!

cascadian July 27, 2012 at 19:41

Awww come on landlady, they are trying their best. they have opened the
crypt and resurrected Roger Bannister. Paul McCartney is at Mme FrooFroo’s
having his hair coloured while he goes over Wing’s greatest hit, Beckham the
Leytonstone local boy has dedicated a new tattoo to the games and seems to
have some mystery role to astonish us all. It’s going to be fab having all the
Newham yoof partying and stabbing each other, while Sam and Cam, Seb and Boris
pretend not to notice. Well worth the price of admission.

Caedmon’s
Cat July 27, 2012 at 19:28

Strangely enough, Anna, we also have a similar Great Event. It has been
entertaining so far – and it hasn’t really started yet:
http://caedmonscat.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/the-cat-catalogue-of-clangers.html

Scrobs… July 27, 2012 at 17:55

Aw come on, you love it all really…

My (our) problem will be staying awak until 9.00pm!

Blimes, this time tomorrow, it’ll be all over…

JuliaM July 28,
2012 at 05:41

I stayed awake until about – ooooh, say just as Canada was starting its
march round the stadium?

Then I woke up to McCartney’s ghastly effort, said ‘Screw this!’ and went
to bed.

GildasTheMonk
July 28, 2012 at 10:04

You did just about 10 minutes better than me – conked out at Australia,
and decided that was quite enough.

David July 27, 2012 at 17:46

Come on, you love it really you old grouch!