Matt and I are very busy with real life issues. I personally am working 12 hour days to a tight deadline so cannot put in much into writing articles to keep you lot occupied. So please talk amongst yourselves.

Say anything, write short stories, post a poem or two, repeat some internet meme, share a joke.

If you feel like writing a short article please let us know. You can see our contact details in the About/Contact link at the top of this page. Anything from 100 words quicky up to a 1000 word essay are welcome. Just let us know your byline (to keep your anonymity) and a suggestion for a picture to use.

PT Barnum June 30, 2011 at 11:51

May I ask the collected wise heads for counsel?

Is there an etiquette for collecting a parcel that a delivery driver has
left at a house occupied by a complete stranger? Particularly a stranger who
keeps his curtains drawn all the time and has a procession of young and
attractive female visitors?

Joe Public
June 30, 2011 at 20:24

Wear a miniskirt & plenty of make-up.

ChucklyParts
June 30, 2011 at 10:39

I felt a wash of (guilty) schadenfreude when I read this article in The
Guardian recently:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/24/america-pregnant-women-murder-charges

I really thought that someone like Velvet Glove, Iron Fist would have
picked up on it by now. I realise that the actual issues behind the whole
thing are a little more complicated (ie: religious conservatism in the US, at
what point does a foetus “count” as a human being etc etc) but I found the
broad strokes of the thing highly entertaining:

(1) Newspaper report (rightly) filled with outrage at the idea that the
state should criminalise the behaviours of people which (could) result in them
harming themselves – namely, pregnant women.

(2) Same newspaper (and its readers) has no problem with (and indeed,
wholeheartedly endorses) the idea that the state should criminalise behaviours
of people which (could) result in them harming themselves – namely, smokers,
drinkers and the overweight.

It fascinates me that the same demographic can hold two such contradictory
views in the same sphere of “thought”: women’s bodies are theirs to do with as
they please, no matter what (and quite rightly so, at least in this writer’s
view), but other people’s bodies are NOT theirs to do with as they please, and
we’ll do what it takes to put the boot in.

One would hope that this might be the start of some kind of salutary lesson
to these people: keep out of messing with things, because although today it
might be something with which you personally disagree, sooner or later someone
will come gunning for something which is rather dear to your heart.

ChucklyParts
June 30, 2011 at 11:03

Ah ha, somebody else did notice it:

http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2011/06/rumbling-thunder.html

PT June 30, 2011 at 08:55

A jaundiced ditty about the 90% who give the rest a bad name.

An Ode to the Ignoscenti
(With apologies to the considerate
few!)
(Suggested tune – Humoresque.)

Here they come, you can’t ignore them – pers’nal watercraft they call
‘em,
Makes the Bay sound like a racing circuit;
They ‘re joined by
friends in larger craft whose antics often are as daft;
Insisting on their
right to use the sea.

The noise they make, it doesn’t matter, all the day the peace they
shatter,
Roaring up and down just off the shoreline;
Other folk just
have to bear it, these are men who never care;
Insisting on their right to
use the sea.

To swim is not the safest hobby when you see the pow’rboat lobby
Yards
offshore and going like the clappers;
Thirty knots in shallow water – chop
you up without a thought;
Insisting on their right to use the sea.

Eyes only for the skier astern they blindly go into a turn,
Oblivious to
whatever lies before them;
The wake they leave makes swimmers choke but
that’s no problem for these blokes;
Insisting on their right to use the
sea.

See the dinghies roll and wallow, anger they’ll just have to
swallow,
Powercraft people have no thought for slow boats;
Don’t ever
think to remonstrate, their answer you may contemplate –
Insisting on their
right to use the sea.

We’d like these folk to have their fun well out to sea where there’s no
one
Who’ll suffer from their noise and youthful frolics;
But out at sea
they can’t impress the beach-bound with their wealth and zest
So we all
suffer for their right to use the sea!

PT June 30, 2011 at 08:46

I wish I were a caterpillar
Life would be a farce.
All day I’d climb
up shrubs and trees
And slide down on my hands and knees.

Daz
Pearce June 29, 2011 at 21:50

Electro Angst Unlimited – Institution

This nightmare that I had
woke up in the bridal suite
And thought
“my, this is worse than bad”
just where on earth did I meet
That chick
with whom I share this room?
Champagne’s inappropriate
right now and so
are those balloons
got no cause to celebrate

This nightmare that I had
woke up wondering what the heck
happened?
This ring upon my hand
just like a noose around my neck,
I know this
gorgeous thing in here
will now morph into a witch
And I’ll live out my
life in fear
soon I will become her bitch

I said,
I just don’t wanna know
Got somewhere I have to go
Mulled
over the mess I’d made
reached right for that razorblade
Slashed my
wrists until they bled
clear thoughts running through my head
You’ve
joined this glorious institution
meet your new friend destitution

This nightmare that I had
woke up everyone’s but mine
And what makes
this especially sad
is twelve hours ago I was fine
With my headache and
memory gap
I try to re-trace my steps
And I realise now that I’m
trapped
in vows that just can’t be kept

I said,
I just don’t wanna know
Got somewhere I have to go
Mulled
over the mess I’d made
reached right for that razorblade
Slashed my
wrists until they bled
clear thoughts running through my head
You’ve
joined this glorious institution
meet your new friend destitution

Destitution

Destitution

http://outspokenrabbit.blogspot.com/

Matt June 29, 2011 at 19:28

I wish I were a glow-worm,
I never would be glum,
How could you be
miserable,
When the sun shines out your bum.

Zaphod June 29, 2011 at 19:05

I always fancied the idea of composing a form for applying for a job, for
the prospective employer to fill in.

A list of previous holders of the position, so I could seek references.
Dates, and salary paid. Reasons why they left.

Why would you like me to work here?

Qualifications and experience of my employer. Also their hobbies and
interests.

CRB check.

Etc.

wassname June 29, 2011 at 19:26

Nice idea for honesty’s sake Z, but wouldn’t it come over as arrogant
unless you really have something to offer that they’re desperate to
have?

Zaphod June 30, 2011 at 05:52

Have you ever applied for a job you didn’t want, just for the fun of
being arrogant?

Er, perhaps it”s just me.

wassname June 29, 2011 at 18:56

In view of the deafenining silence, I thought I’d share one of my standard
letters with you.

Automated reply for “Customer Surveys” received by post with reply paid
envelope:

Dear Sirs.

I refer to your request for information .

My fee for this form completion service payable in advance is £65.00.

Payment may be made by cash, cheque, debit or credit card. Please allow
four working days for clearance of your cheque in case you’re impecunious or
it’s forged. Payment by credit card will incur an additional charge of
5%.
I trust you will find my fees extremely competitive when compared with
that charged by my G.P., health professional, M.P., Solicitor, the local
Council, Register Offices, Somerset House and every other Tom, Dick or Harry
who think that unlike them I do things for f**k all.

Thank you for your enquiry and I await your further instructions.

Yours Faithfully

wassname June 29, 2011 at 18:29

Sorry, you will note the obvious omission of the dah between the di and the
da.

wassname June 29, 2011 at 18:27

Da da da dah da dah da di, da da dah da dah da di, di di dah di da, da da
da da dah da di…….pan to potter’s wheel……di da di di di da, da………

Stop Common
Purpose June 29, 2011 at 14:42

“What if a powerful media conglomerate, such as modern day William Randolph
Hearst, controlled the media around a major University to influence students
and professors to directly advance his financial interests? I have found that
person, HM Lord Lieutenant Richard Jewson, who 1) has a direct connection to
the British monarchy, 2) is on the board of many multi-national “green”
corporations, 3) directly controls a major media market servicing EA
University and other British Universities, and 4) as a member of the board of
EAU (sic), has significant control over their environmental studies
department.”

More:

http://www.stopcp.com/cpclimategate.php

.

Michael
Fowke June 29, 2011 at 14:15

Er … I can’t think of anything to say. This is so embarrassing.

Gloria Smudd
June 29, 2011 at 18:10

Mr Fowke had nothing to say:
Well, isn’t this always the way?
Ms
Smudd can’t compose
Witty poem or prose
So embarrassed they’ll both
have to stay.