I have always loathed caravans. Could anything foul up the traffic flow more efficiently than a trundling three piece suite and double bed on wheels, with integral microwave and satellite tv aerial; a mobile council house heading at a snail’s pace for the nearest coast?
Oh, but yes it could. An even slower version. Surprisingly, I can see possibilities in this new incarnation; a little research has led me down some pleasant diversions this fine morning.
I have solved the ‘homeless’ problem, arrived at a ‘Free State’ for Libertarians, and am all set to drive the anti-smoking lobby wild, via the ‘Green lobby’ – who could ask for more?
All set then? Follow me.
First of all you need to come within the legal definition of disabled. It is a 4 part test, with some surprising components. You will pass the first part with flying colours if you are now addicted to nicotine patches, having not been addicted to nicotine before. You were only an occasional smoker? Fell for the smooth words of your local ‘smoking cessation officer’, now big Pharma has you in its grip!
“addiction to alcohol, nicotine or any other substance, unless it originally results from the administration of medically-prescribed drugs or other medical treatment.”
Onto part 2: Do you have difficulty with your memory or ability to learn, concentrate or understand? Failed to fill in your census form ‘cause you couldn’t understand why you should? Tick.
Move swiftly onto Part3: Is the adverse effect substantial – or would it be but for the beneficial effects of ongoing medication or other treatment? The law expects to hear expert medical evidence of the beneficial effects of ongoing treatments – call Ash, they will supply voluminous dodgy dossiers to prove this for you. Tick.
Part 4: Is the adverse effect long term? – “If a substantial adverse effect ceases but is likely to recur and the likelihood of recurrence extends beyond a 12 month period then it is classed as long-term.” Tick.
Now you are legally defined as ‘disabled’, a whole new world opens up for you. I have a vehicle for you that requires no driving licence, incurs no taxation, doesn’t need insurance, can park anywhere it damn well pleases, and is heavily endorsed as being ‘carbon neutral’ by the Green lobby.
Best of all it comes complete with a home that requires no planning permission, incurs no council rates, escapes the census requirements, can be placed anywhere with a view that pleases you – and has picture windows through which the anti-smoking lobby can view you chain smoking.
First prize of 200 Player’s No 6 to the first person who parks one right outside Deborah Orr’s house. 2nd prize of 200 gm of Golden Virginia to anyone spotted lying back and enjoying the view of the Royal Wedding from one parked outside Westminster Abbey, and a special bonus prize to one managing to break down in Regent’s Street just before the wedding procession glides into view. That Plasma screen facing the windows has advertising possibilities too…..
OK, it only does 12 miles an hour – how fast did you think you were going to be able to drive through London these days? Concentrate on the possibilities. Think positive!