The Capacity to Annoy.
I have always loathed caravans. Could anything foul up the traffic flow more efficiently than a trundling three piece suite and double bed on wheels, with integral microwave and satellite tv aerial; a mobile council house heading at a snail’s pace for the nearest coast?
Oh, but yes it could. An even slower version. Surprisingly, I can see possibilities in this new incarnation; a little research has led me down some pleasant diversions this fine morning.
I have solved the ‘homeless’ problem, arrived at a ‘Free State’ for Libertarians, and am all set to drive the anti-smoking lobby wild, via the ‘Green lobby’ – who could ask for more?
All set then? Follow me.
First of all you need to come within the legal definition of disabled. It is a 4 part test, with some surprising components. You will pass the first part with flying colours if you are now addicted to nicotine patches, having not been addicted to nicotine before. You were only an occasional smoker? Fell for the smooth words of your local ‘smoking cessation officer’, now big Pharma has you in its grip!
“addiction to alcohol, nicotine or any other substance, unless it originally results from the administration of medically-prescribed drugs or other medical treatment.”
Onto part 2: Do you have difficulty with your memory or ability to learn, concentrate or understand? Failed to fill in your census form ‘cause you couldn’t understand why you should? Tick.
Move swiftly onto Part3: Is the adverse effect substantial – or would it be but for the beneficial effects of ongoing medication or other treatment? The law expects to hear expert medical evidence of the beneficial effects of ongoing treatments – call Ash, they will supply voluminous dodgy dossiers to prove this for you. Tick.
Part 4: Is the adverse effect long term? – “If a substantial adverse effect ceases but is likely to recur and the likelihood of recurrence extends beyond a 12 month period then it is classed as long-term.” Tick.
Now you are legally defined as ‘disabled’, a whole new world opens up for you. I have a vehicle for you that requires no driving licence, incurs no taxation, doesn’t need insurance, can park anywhere it damn well pleases, and is heavily endorsed as being ‘carbon neutral’ by the Green lobby.
Best of all it comes complete with a home that requires no planning permission, incurs no council rates, escapes the census requirements, can be placed anywhere with a view that pleases you – and has picture windows through which the anti-smoking lobby can view you chain smoking.
First prize of 200 Player’s No 6 to the first person who parks one right outside Deborah Orr’s house. 2nd prize of 200 gm of Golden Virginia to anyone spotted lying back and enjoying the view of the Royal Wedding from one parked outside Westminster Abbey, and a special bonus prize to one managing to break down in Regent’s Street just before the wedding procession glides into view. That Plasma screen facing the windows has advertising possibilities too…..
OK, it only does 12 miles an hour – how fast did you think you were going to be able to drive through London these days? Concentrate on the possibilities. Think positive!
April 24,
2011 at 18:46
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Just spotted – this topical story in the Mail.
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April 22, 2011 at 11:10
- April 22,
2011 at 10:41
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Might I suggest also the Queen album ‘Shear Heart Attack’, Englebert
Humperdinck with ‘Fleece release me’, ‘Bleat Surrender’ by The
Jam and, of course, the Beach Boys with ‘Baa-baa Ann’?
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April 22, 2011 at 11:07
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Consider also …
Wonderwool – Oasis
Bleat It – M. Jackson (RIP)
Baa Baa Baby – Bay
City Rollers
Sheep – Charles Aznavour
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April 22, 2011 at 11:39
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The Lord is my Shepherd
Sheeps that pass in the night…
- April 21, 2011 at 21:17
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Ewe Drive Me Crazy – Mrs Britney Federline
- April 21,
2011 at 19:14
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Once again, I’m completely in awe
Of the verbally dextrous Glor-
ia
Smudd, she’s a wonder;
Fifteen minutes to ponder
Then she makes us all
roll on the floor.
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April 21, 2011 at 19:53
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:blush: I was going to recommend a play-list but I’ve gone all pink and
giggly now! ….
Ewe are the Sunshine of My Life – S. Wonder Esq.
Ewe were wonderful
tonight – E. Clapton Esq.
Ewe’ve Lost That Loving Feeling – The Brothers
Righteous
Ewe Light Up My Life – Ms Debbie Boone
Ewe Drive Me Crazy –
Mrs Britney Federline
The Sheep-Sheep Song – Mrs Cher Bono
etc., etc.,
etc. …
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April 21, 2011 at 21:05
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April 21, 2011 at 21:22
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Choose your location with care – Uttoxeter would be a good place to
start, or maybe Ramsbottom.
- April 21, 2011 at 21:24
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That’s why I didn’t suggest anything by Wham!
- April 22, 2011 at
10:58
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The real reason has just emerged as to why so many rams were committing
suicide.
The farmers had clubbed together and installed a music system to calm
their flocks.
The first song played was Nat King Cole singing, “There’ll never be
another Ewe!”
- April 22, 2011 at 11:06
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Quite possibly!
- April 21, 2011 at 15:05
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How about swapping the scooter for a quad-bike, and having an off-road
version to make the best of London’s many parks?
- April 21,
2011 at 12:46
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With my QT I travel in style,
With a smug ‘Look-how-green-I-am!’
smile,
At the pace of a snail,
Never mind that my tail
Is a traffic
jam over a mile.
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April 21, 2011 at 13:12
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When at last I might pull off the road
With my scooter and QT
abode
I’ll curse my lumbago
In this Minnibago
For once in I can
only stay stowed.
- April
21, 2011 at 15:04
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*riotously applauds* Minnibago – sheer genius!
Having met with a nubile young beauty
He escorted her back to his
QT;
They got horribly stuck
So it’s jolly good luck
That the Fire
Brigade were on duty.
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April 21, 2011 at 15:07
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There’s a fortune to be made by the first person to bring the
Y-shaped Minnibago to market….
- April 21, 2011 at 15:21
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April 21, 2011 at 15:34
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Young men! Choose a nymph, not a lardo*
For congugal bliss in this
vardo (look it up)
For lardos are wide
And to get one inside
May
prove too terribly hard – oh!
* and I should know
- April 21, 2011 at 18:42
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‘Oi can park up my QT to sleep
On a hillside all craggy and
steep;
B’ain’t much room to spare
For the Missus in there
But
’tis powerful handy for sheep.’
Sorry, Anna, we do seem to be lowering the tone somwhat.
- April 21, 2011 at 18:57
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If it’s off to the mountains ye be,
Don’t go in the titchy
QT;
For seducing a bleater
You want a six-seater
(But you
didn’t hear that from me).
- April 21, 2011 at 11:58
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Ms Smudd, have you tried Cornish Tea yet. Yes, there is a tea plantation in
Cornwall, and I believe it is now in production – cheers.
- April 21, 2011 at 11:32
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Caravan owners think they own the road, they drive like Mr Towed.
- April 21, 2011 at 11:49
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Mr Towed of Towed Haul?
- April 21, 2011 at 11:51
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Ouch!
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April 21, 2011 at 12:23
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I thought it might have been too obscure a reference, but we’re
bright sparks on ‘ere…
Cue tee could be for UKIP voters (all par for
the course).
- April 21, 2011 at 11:01
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You exaggerate (by 50%) – it’s limited to 8mph, not 12!
How about a version with bunk beds (leaving out the flatscreen should make
enough room)?
- April 21, 2011 at 10:33
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When is the motorhome version coming out? Will it have solar panels and a
windmill on top?
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April 21, 2011 at 10:51
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So that when you’re driving along the windmill will be whirring away
providing power to allow you to drive along?
- April 21, 2011 at 11:12
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There’s one born every minute
Could I perhaps interest you in a new type of mobile phone charger. Its
a roof rack for your car with a fan mounted on it, as you drive the fan
whizzes round and charges your phone, and guess what? yes! … its
completely free …. just send £5,000 to me and I’ll send you one by return,
you can then charge your mobile phone for the rest of your life for
FREE!!!! …. heehee
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April 21, 2011 at 15:00
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But of course. The faster you drive, the more the windmill will rotate,
so the more power it’ll generate. (Well, you could fob the greenies off
with that anyway – no point letting physics spoil a good theory, is
there?)
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April 21, 2011 at 21:04
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Sssshhhhhh you 2, we have a potential commercial success here … well,
commercially for us that is.
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April 21, 2011 at 09:59
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I pronounce the QT* as Cute so it’s a cute van. Well it is diddy and small
and cute.
* An alternative pronounciation is Cue teee.
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April 21, 2011 at 10:44
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Smudd settles down for a good read. Cue tea.
- April 21, 2011 at 10:59
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PG Tips?
- April 21, 2011 at 11:08
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Nothing but Yorkshire, of course! The fact that I look like a chimp
doesn’t influence what I drop into my teapot!
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April 21, 2011 at 11:13
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Consider myself chalked off and leaves to consider my future.
- April 21, 2011 at 11:21
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Quite right. That comment certainly lacked your usual char-m.
- April 21, 2011 at 09:54
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A home that requires no planning permission, incurs no council rates,
escapes the census requirements, can be placed anywhere with a view that
pleases you – and has picture windows……….
This is old hat.
Our chums, the ‘travellers’ , discovered this when Adam was a lad.
- April 21, 2011 at 14:56
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Ah, yes – but they’re not usually very carbon-neutral, are they? Even the
horse-drawn ones produce, erm, biodegradeable methane-rich matter.
- April 21,
2011 at 09:24
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Great idea. I’m just trying to figure out where to keep the chickens.
- April 21, 2011 at 09:25
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Can’t they walk?
- April 22, 2011 at 00:05
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Disabled chickens.
- April 21,
2011 at 09:24
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part 2: Do you have difficulty with your memory or ability to learn,
concentrate or understand?
Researchers carried out tests on 150 volunteers, all weighing over 21
stone, and compared them with results from healthy people.
Professor John
Gunstad, of Kent State University, Ohio, said the research showed obesity can
damage the brain, ‘especially the parts most important for paying attention
and learning new things’.
[Daily Mail 15th April]
Discuss.
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April 21, 2011 at 10:01
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I wouldn’t say it wasn’t damaged, just has different priorities. The
brain of someone over 21 stone is likely to be concentrating on the next
meal rather than a boring researcher (unless the researcher could be eaten).
Learning new things is not important when you can try out new foods.
- April 21, 2011 at 10:37
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Obvious fattism. Equating >21 stone with not healthy. They are just
differently-shaped.
- April 21, 2011 at 12:13
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View, that struck me too – I wonder whether the term featured in the
original press release or whether it is knee-jerk mail-speak.
- April 21,
2011 at 09:00
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I…I just….
Nope! I got nothin’!
- April
21, 2011 at 11:54
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JuliaM speechless. First time ever.
Win.
- April 21, 2011 at 08:55
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It wouldn’t be hit by the London Congestion Charge – it’s electrically
propelled, pollution-free and would go down a storm with the Greenies… yes, oh
yes!
- April 21, 2011 at 09:15
- April 21, 2011 at 08:50
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Is it only Council Houses’s that have three piece suites, integral
microwaves and satellite aerials then?
- April 21, 2011 at 09:10
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April 21, 2011 at 08:44
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I want one now!
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