Dear Brothers and Sisters,
After recent contentious developments it’s time to lower the tone slightly and talk about my bottom.
You see, alongside my friend and occasional poster Randy Hack I too have been on a detox and exercise regime. He has posted on his dietary and exercise plan before, as well as his new found love affair with rap music.
Following Randy’s regime I too have lost a lot of weight and generally got fitter, but I recently decided to take matters bit further, and get spruced up not just on the outside, but on the inside too.
So I decided to undergo “colonic irrigation”.
I had read about this a few years ago in a book about yoga. In essence it involves circulating cleansing water through the lower gut and colon, washing out what I shall refer to delicately as Long Standing Impurities. As it happened, last year the guy who ran my local gym (a very fit chap) told me he had gone and had the treatment and it had done him the world of good. He had lost a few pounds and felt much clearer and brighter. He spoke in glowing terms about his treatment.
So I decided that I would give this a go. A bit of research on the interweb thing revealed that there was a local practitioner, a bright looking lady of about fifty called Amanda with lots of suitable memberships and qualifications. The web site had some glowing testimonials, most notably from a couple of athletes who reported that the treatment had given them an extra spring in their step. This sounded just the ticket, so I telephoned Amanda and duly made my appointment.
I arrived at the clinic (a discrete little place) at the appointed time, a little but not unduly apprehensive. I was greeted by said Amanda who was dressed in suitable efficient looking medical “scrubs”, and invited into a spotlessly clean waiting room. Amanda offered me a glass of water and then left me to fill out a form about my diet, health issues and so forth. One question seemed problematic:
“How much liquid do you drink in a day?”
To what exactly could this refer? It seemed to me that this could only refer to water and tea and so forth, so I duly answered thus quite truthfully “2 litres”.
Amanda returned and went through the form with me. I explained my high water consumption. I consumed a lot of water, particularly when out running or at the gym. Amanda fixed me with a beady eye.
“Ah, but what about alcohol?” she asked.
“Oh er….yes….some of that,” I muttered, thus clearly revealing that I am fond of a glass red or a flagon of mead. I don’t suppose another litre or two makes much difference anyway.
Formalities out of the way, we decamped to the treatment room. I had to undress in a side room and put on a long green surgical gown which opened at the back to allow access to the….appropriate area, and then lie on a surgical couch. There was some rather gentle New Age style flute music playing. Very nice. So far so good.
Amanda explained the workings of the stomach and the colon with the aid of of a diagram, and how special pure water would circulate gently around the colon, which is the lower part of the intestine, evacuating the Long Standing Impurities. These are rinsed away in a special closed system which is able to inject the water at a controlled rate, and also flush it away. I could watch that happen if I liked. I didn’t like, actually.
Then Amanda showed me the instrument which would be gently inserted into my rectum. It look like the head of a garden hose with two pipes attached. Ooh er!
She explained how some people feel during the treatment. A little strange, apparently. I was far from surprised.
Well, to cut to the chase, having rolled on my side, Amanda inserted the apparatus into the appropriate place. I confess this was a little bit uncomfortable. I am not used to such invasions! However, this process complete, the water was turned on and the treatment commenced with Amanda controlling the flow of the water.
At first it seemed that the Long Standing Impurities were happy in their abode and were quite understandably most reluctant to depart and be flushed away. However, Amanda skilfully countered by varying the temperature and flow of the water, and by administering a touch of massage around my tummy, and a bit of reflexology on my feet. This did the trick and soon the Long Standing Impurities were suffering their own micro-tsunami and being flushed away.
Was it pleasant? In a word….no. At times I can only describe it as the sort of feeling you might get when you have got a dose of “Delhi Belly” and feel the need to run to the loo, but you can’t do anything about it because you have a hose stuck in your arse. It was not painful as such, but it was certainly uncomfortable and at times I had a bit if a cold sweat on. However, I attribute this not to any lack of skill on the part of the very efficient Amanda, but to an internal system which has been somewhat abused over the years and did not take kindly to a spring clean.
This went on for about 40 minutes, until to my relief the apparatus was removed and I returned to the dressing room.
After I dressed Amanda handed me a leaflet about the recommended after care. Eat lightly, and avoid alcohol for a couple of days to allow the “good” bacteria in the gut to regenerate. Hang on, that wasn’t on the menu! Apparently a small number of patients experience flu like systems as the body goes into a sort of overdrive of cleansing itself.
Having dressed and departed, I have to confess I felt a little shaky. I celebrated my new internal purity with a cigarette and then tried to do a session at the gym, but there was nothing doing. I was still shaky and weak I weighed myself, though, and found that I was about three pounds lighter. I reflected on what that three pounds had been made of.
I returned to the Abbey, still out of sorts. I attributed this to shock to the system, both because my internal organs were missing their Long Standing acquaintances, and also because I am not used to middle age women inserting things into my rectum.
There was nothing else for it. I had to complete the detox properly. So, diligently following the after care suggestions I headed to the pub and ordered a few large ones and then roast chicken and extra chips.
How do I feel? Well considering that despite said large ones I was wide awake at half past four in the morning, I suppose I do feel energised.
Does it work? Is there anything more than a placebo effect? The general western medical consensus is that there is no provable benefit.
The general yogic and eastern philosophical tradition holds that it is an important occasional cleansing ritual, and the anecdotal evidence is positive. On balance, my sympathies lie with the eastern tradition on this one. Having methodically and regularly abused my internal organs for the past 25 years or so, it makes sense to administer a helping hand, and I think losing about three pounds of Long Standing Impurities has done me no harm at all!
But at least it has one positive benefit. For a little while at least, my pal Randy will no longer be able to claim that I am full of s**t!
Just glad I got to the bottom of that one.
Now Raccoonistas, having put my arse on the line for you, let’s have some punning linguists!
Gildarse the Monk