Colon: the Barbarian?
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
After recent contentious developments it’s time to lower the tone slightly and talk about my bottom.
You see, alongside my friend and occasional poster Randy Hack I too have been on a detox and exercise regime. He has posted on his dietary and exercise plan before, as well as his new found love affair with rap music.
Following Randy’s regime I too have lost a lot of weight and generally got fitter, but I recently decided to take matters bit further, and get spruced up not just on the outside, but on the inside too.
So I decided to undergo “colonic irrigation”.
I had read about this a few years ago in a book about yoga. In essence it involves circulating cleansing water through the lower gut and colon, washing out what I shall refer to delicately as Long Standing Impurities. As it happened, last year the guy who ran my local gym (a very fit chap) told me he had gone and had the treatment and it had done him the world of good. He had lost a few pounds and felt much clearer and brighter. He spoke in glowing terms about his treatment.
So I decided that I would give this a go. A bit of research on the interweb thing revealed that there was a local practitioner, a bright looking lady of about fifty called Amanda with lots of suitable memberships and qualifications. The web site had some glowing testimonials, most notably from a couple of athletes who reported that the treatment had given them an extra spring in their step. This sounded just the ticket, so I telephoned Amanda and duly made my appointment.
I arrived at the clinic (a discrete little place) at the appointed time, a little but not unduly apprehensive. I was greeted by said Amanda who was dressed in suitable efficient looking medical “scrubs”, and invited into a spotlessly clean waiting room. Amanda offered me a glass of water and then left me to fill out a form about my diet, health issues and so forth. One question seemed problematic:
“How much liquid do you drink in a day?”
To what exactly could this refer? It seemed to me that this could only refer to water and tea and so forth, so I duly answered thus quite truthfully “2 litres”.
Amanda returned and went through the form with me. I explained my high water consumption. I consumed a lot of water, particularly when out running or at the gym. Amanda fixed me with a beady eye.
“Ah, but what about alcohol?” she asked.
“Oh er….yes….some of that,” I muttered, thus clearly revealing that I am fond of a glass red or a flagon of mead. I don’t suppose another litre or two makes much difference anyway.
Formalities out of the way, we decamped to the treatment room. I had to undress in a side room and put on a long green surgical gown which opened at the back to allow access to the….appropriate area, and then lie on a surgical couch. There was some rather gentle New Age style flute music playing. Very nice. So far so good.
Amanda explained the workings of the stomach and the colon with the aid of of a diagram, and how special pure water would circulate gently around the colon, which is the lower part of the intestine, evacuating the Long Standing Impurities. These are rinsed away in a special closed system which is able to inject the water at a controlled rate, and also flush it away. I could watch that happen if I liked. I didn’t like, actually.
Then Amanda showed me the instrument which would be gently inserted into my rectum. It look like the head of a garden hose with two pipes attached. Ooh er!
She explained how some people feel during the treatment. A little strange, apparently. I was far from surprised.
Well, to cut to the chase, having rolled on my side, Amanda inserted the apparatus into the appropriate place. I confess this was a little bit uncomfortable. I am not used to such invasions! However, this process complete, the water was turned on and the treatment commenced with Amanda controlling the flow of the water.
At first it seemed that the Long Standing Impurities were happy in their abode and were quite understandably most reluctant to depart and be flushed away. However, Amanda skilfully countered by varying the temperature and flow of the water, and by administering a touch of massage around my tummy, and a bit of reflexology on my feet. This did the trick and soon the Long Standing Impurities were suffering their own micro-tsunami and being flushed away.
Was it pleasant? In a word….no. At times I can only describe it as the sort of feeling you might get when you have got a dose of “Delhi Belly” and feel the need to run to the loo, but you can’t do anything about it because you have a hose stuck in your arse. It was not painful as such, but it was certainly uncomfortable and at times I had a bit if a cold sweat on. However, I attribute this not to any lack of skill on the part of the very efficient Amanda, but to an internal system which has been somewhat abused over the years and did not take kindly to a spring clean.
This went on for about 40 minutes, until to my relief the apparatus was removed and I returned to the dressing room.
After I dressed Amanda handed me a leaflet about the recommended after care. Eat lightly, and avoid alcohol for a couple of days to allow the “good” bacteria in the gut to regenerate. Hang on, that wasn’t on the menu! Apparently a small number of patients experience flu like systems as the body goes into a sort of overdrive of cleansing itself.
Having dressed and departed, I have to confess I felt a little shaky. I celebrated my new internal purity with a cigarette and then tried to do a session at the gym, but there was nothing doing. I was still shaky and weak I weighed myself, though, and found that I was about three pounds lighter. I reflected on what that three pounds had been made of.
I returned to the Abbey, still out of sorts. I attributed this to shock to the system, both because my internal organs were missing their Long Standing acquaintances, and also because I am not used to middle age women inserting things into my rectum.
There was nothing else for it. I had to complete the detox properly. So, diligently following the after care suggestions I headed to the pub and ordered a few large ones and then roast chicken and extra chips.
How do I feel? Well considering that despite said large ones I was wide awake at half past four in the morning, I suppose I do feel energised.
Does it work? Is there anything more than a placebo effect? The general western medical consensus is that there is no provable benefit.
The general yogic and eastern philosophical tradition holds that it is an important occasional cleansing ritual, and the anecdotal evidence is positive. On balance, my sympathies lie with the eastern tradition on this one. Having methodically and regularly abused my internal organs for the past 25 years or so, it makes sense to administer a helping hand, and I think losing about three pounds of Long Standing Impurities has done me no harm at all!
But at least it has one positive benefit. For a little while at least, my pal Randy will no longer be able to claim that I am full of s**t!
Just glad I got to the bottom of that one.
Now Raccoonistas, having put my arse on the line for you, let’s have some punning linguists!
Gildarse the Monk
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April 16, 2011 at 12:06 -
I’ve had it done several times, usually quite soon after the festive season and again after the summer winds down. I’m not sure if there are any long term benefits but I do feel better for it afterwards, It isn’t for everyone though!
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April 16, 2011 at 12:26 -
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April 16, 2011 at 13:06 -
My body is a temple. As it happens, I feel decidedly and sinfully well now!
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April 16, 2011 at 19:25 -
My body is a temple too. Old, broken down and pointed at by tourists.
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April 16, 2011 at 19:49 -
My body is also a temple.
Thankfully Alcohol, Good Food and Debauchery are worshipped in this temple.
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April 16, 2011 at 21:10 -
My body is not so much a temple, more a shed. Judging by some of the noises that emanate on occasions, there is some sort of crude chemical process plant in it.
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April 16, 2011 at 21:26 -
“My body is a temple. But it is also a nightclub”
The Bare Foot Doctor
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April 16, 2011 at 12:45 -
I’m an “exit only” guy, and I feel that you glossed over the “insertion phase”. When I got to the description of the hose I glanced out of my office window and spied our garden hose.
Shiva H Vishnu! The thing on the end is mahoosive! How did they get that up there without several gallons of KY, scaffolding, and a pot-holing team?
Just curious.
CR.
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April 16, 2011 at 13:07 -
With difficulty, I can assure you *blushes*
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April 16, 2011 at 13:11 -
Try lots of lightly boiled cabbage.
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April 16, 2011 at 13:38 -
Ahh! If only you deal with all the people who are full of sh*t so simply – I would volunteer as nurse myself.
I was cruel enough to send Gildas this thread before he went in – some of you might very much enjoy it.
http://www.singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/-
April 16, 2011 at 16:31 -
That is one amazing thread Anna. Occasionally Bloggers &/or Commenters succeed in explaining life or crafting humour in ways that brings tears to the eyes.
Gildas & that thread have more-than-compensated for the sadness of that posting 2 days ago.
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April 16, 2011 at 13:41 -
Punning linguists! Some of us have standards, sir!
But not me –(R) Soul music to get funky
Wagner’s Ring Cycle
When The Lavvy (Levee) Breaks (Led Zepp no.)
(saved the worst for last) Take Another Little Piece Of My Fart (Heart) (Janis Joplin no.) -
April 16, 2011 at 13:46 -
Wouldn’t Dynorod have been cheaper?
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April 16, 2011 at 13:50 -
It’s a bum rap
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April 16, 2011 at 13:57 -
Poor old Amanda, what a bum job!
I feel for her from the bottom of my heart.
PS. What does she do with the ‘residue’, is it any good for gardens?-
April 16, 2011 at 14:09 -
Don’t you mean from the heart of your bottom…?
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April 16, 2011 at 14:17 -
Or does she just dump it?
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April 16, 2011 at 14:39 -
A monk toddled off for a flush
Nurse Hefty appeared with a brush
It was shoved up so tight
With clenched teeth he did bite
And his prostate screamed “Watch out you’ll crush!”-
April 16, 2011 at 15:54 -
Brother Gildas, the readers supposes,
Is a plausible advert for hoses
If it’s true he emerged
Very thoroughly purged,
Three pounds lighter and smelling of roses.
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April 16, 2011 at 14:56 -
Colonic irrigation
Is, for me, just no temptation
And I’m sure you’ll give me leeway if I’m crass:
But with no wetsuit, out at sea
I find I often get, for free
A saline jet that shoots straight up my ass. -
April 16, 2011 at 15:07 -
More punning please!
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April 16, 2011 at 15:30
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April 16, 2011 at 15:46 -
‘rather gentle New Age style flute music ‘
Hmm: perhaps there’s a market out there for a rather more appropriate soundtrack for these events. I was thinking of Elvis Costello’s Pump it Up, perhaps, closely followed by followed by I can’t stand up for falling down, or maybe God Give Me Strength.
Alternatively, if we are to venture into the realm of puns, I suppose there’s Costello again with ‘Good Year for the Hoses’, a rousing chorus of Queen’s ‘Flush Gordon’ or Blondie’s ‘Colonic’, or, for that matter – and I had to ask a young person about this one – Yo! Bum Rush the Show by Public Enema.
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April 17, 2011 at 13:03 -
While reading “Wind In The Willows” during the session?
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April 16, 2011 at 15:49 -
Or on a classical theme, Elgar’s the Enema Variations
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April 16, 2011 at 16:31 -
Or Holst’s ‘Uranus’, perhaps?
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April 16, 2011 at 16:42
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April 16, 2011 at 16:26 -
Flush – Queen
Grandmaster Flush – The MassageFilms: Rear Window
Books Passage to Irrigatedon’t take my advice IANAL
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April 16, 2011 at 16:46 -
Ah, the classics (fesses up to fetching the boxed-sets for inspiration)
Holst – Uranus
Prokofiev – Montagues & Crapulets
Copland – Fanfare For The Colonic Man
Rimsky-Korsakov – Flight Of The Bum-ble Bee-
April 16, 2011 at 16:48 -
Strike the Holst one, someone beat me to it (hat tip!)
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April 16, 2011 at 19:19 -
Post Script
I have to say that I feel great and full of energy. Coincidence? You decide-
April 16, 2011 at 19:58 -
I’d be asking what exactly was in that ‘special pure water’ if I were you.
After all, it’s not so many years since ‘Celebrity Detox Camp’ saw several gallons of second-hand strong coffee – and a few careers – being merrily flushed away after such a procedure on prime-time television. I seem to remember hearing that none of the subjects slept a wink for days afterwards.
It might even be worth trying eau de vie – or even usquebaugh. Sláinte!
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April 16, 2011 at 21:28 -
I am quite satisfied it was pure water.
Which is not what I a drinking tonight!
Slainte!
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April 16, 2011 at 20:01 -
I too have had a similar experience and it is nice to be amongst similarly experienced friends.
The day before I had to take two sachets of industrial strehgth laxatives. i could not eat after 12 noon the day before. I could have cried like a baby by the end of that day. My poor backside.
Next morning a attended the hospital expecting to be in a private little room but first they plied me with drugs to relax me then wheeled me to a room with new fewer that 4 operatives and 2 students.
Lie on your side and pull your knees up. Then to my utter horror there was a large plasma screen they were using to observe by deepest passages.
I felt like a Ukrainian Hooker. My afternoon involved being drugged, probed and video recorded by a room full of male doctors.
I now eat very healthy for fear of having to repeat this procedure.
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April 16, 2011 at 21:31 -
Goodness! That sounds a bit extreme! I am not sure I was in that territory!
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April 17, 2011 at 12:16 -
Then there was the guy, nil by mouth, waiting for an operation. Desperate for a drink, he asked the nurse if he could have a cup of tea. Only by enema, she says. Halfway through the enema, the guy screams in pain. What, too hot? asks the nurse. No, gasps the guy, no sugar!
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