The Astute Way to Run a Navy.
Take a Beaconsfield GP, and put him in charge of your Navy.
Give him a 300 ft long nuclear powered cigar tube to play with.
Allow him to pack 98 hand selected men into the minute space left after he has filled the tube with dozens of tomahawk missiles.
Give them five showers and five toilets to share between them.
Ensure that at least one of the men is a rapper who has changed his name to ‘Reggie Moondog’ and who writes violent lyrics about dead presidents.
Turn twenty percent of the other 97 men into individuals filled with murderous rage, suicidal thoughts, or homicidal hallucinations as detailed by DSM-III-R’s list of side effects of category 292.0.
Send out on exercise under incompetent commander and run into sandbank. Remove commander and install new one in time to run into tug that is rescuing you from first incident.
Plunge under the ocean for 60 days ignoring rapper who says he is stressed and ‘fit to snap’.
Allow all on board one text message per week to keep in touch with family.
Whilst your combustible cigar tube is underwater – firing tomahawks off Libya? – announce that Royal Navy will be taking the brunt of the defence cuts, to ensure a merry atmosphere on board.
Return cigar tube to Southampton with the notion that all on board will finally get the time honoured sh*t, shower and shave, to say nothing of the fag and s*ag they have been looking forward to.
Cancel shore leave and announce that you will be putting back to sea for another 30 days.
Hand sub-machine gun to rap writing rating who is most stressed by all this, invite on board some visiting dignitaries and assorted school children for prawn sandwiches.
Announce that the five toilets are unavailable to ratings whilst the dignitaries are on board.
Stand well clear and get the GP to write your press release – something along the lines of being ‘deeply saddened’ by the ensuing ‘tragic incident’ should do the trick.
Retreat onto budget airline for flight to the one destination they are about to cancel for ordinary folk who bought a home in the area.
Return and announce an investigation to figure out why you are now minus one experienced Lt Commander and another senior officer is in hospital – to say nothing of the pride of your fleet cordoned off as a murder scene and riddled with bullets.
Refuse to broaden the enquiry parameters to include any discussion of why it took a retired local politician to disarm the gunmen, and where were the other 98 highly trained pride of the British Navy.
Ignore the whirring sound in your left ear; its only Nelson revolving at a rate of graveyard knots.
-
April 10, 2011 at 08:35 -
Once again Rap is to to the fore I see! Acerbic and to the point As always!
Gildas the Monk -
April 10, 2011 at 10:02 -
Repeat. UK FUBAR. All over, unless in the words of EU Referendum’s Richard North, we rise up and slaughter them
-
April 10, 2011 at 11:12 -
Have a read around history and learn something of the conditions around Naval service during Nelson’s time. Service on submarines isn’t a cakewalk, but it’s not a life sentence (well, not unless you shoot an officer…). It sometimes was during Nelson’s time, and the living conditions were probably worse – never mind the fighting conditions and subsequent medical ‘care’.
Try working in any organisation or environment that has the possibility of closure or redundancy in the air, and there are tensions (been there, done that, didn’t enjoy it).
There might be some questions about the failure of the selection process. By the sounds of it, the perpetrator might have been better adapted to life as a shore-based store-keeper. However, being a bit stressed out is still not an acceptable reason to start killing people, any more than it was for Derrick Bird in West Cumbria.
Think it’s a bit much to pin blame, even in part, on the Beaconsfield GP, whatever your opinions of his policies.
-
April 10, 2011 at 12:08
-
-
April 10, 2011 at 11:53 -
April 10, 2011 at 12:01 -
I nice summary looking at the overall picture but still concentrating on the small points that are important. It’s amazing how little things can turn something around especially when they are a number of them piling one on top of the other. All the little things do not excuse Ryan Donovan from his actions, no one of the seamen acted like he did, but it does explain how his state of mind was changed.
I don’t think recruitment policies need much change – you can’t predicate the future. What does need to change is the working environment which ensures that no one is put under undue stress.
-
April 10, 2011 at 19:04 -
“What does need to change is the working environment which ensures that no one is put under undue stress.” …………..I thought that kind of navy already existed, as I remember-send out a battle hardened squad of womyn and children, when confronted by Iranian gun boat, surrender immediately, then appear on TV blubbing and asking for mummsy.
No, what is needed when guns are involved is a BAN, something needs to banned and lessons also need to be learned, any suggestions?
I’ll get you started.
Ban violent men from the armed services.
Ban weapons training, it creates the possibility of gun use.
Ban washrooms on submarines, they cause too many altercations.
Ban all shore leave, it creates heightened expectations of normality.Get stuck in.
-
-
April 10, 2011 at 13:39 -
I’m very dissapointed with Ryan, at least he could have leashed off all the missiles on Parliament.
-
April 10, 2011 at 16:58 -
Its all went a bit Dale Carnegie – How not to get a ‘head’ and influence people!
-
April 10, 2011 at 18:45 -
FUBAR indeed Jeremy.
People will submit to being ordered around as long as the orders seem reasonable, when the orders start getting unreasonable there will be compliance with some grumbling, beyond that point further unreasonable orders will be carried out in silent contempt for the manager. Eventually the “victim” starts forming thoughts of revenge.
The government would be well advised to recognize this action as an early warning signal. Government meddling in peoples lives has almost got the point when an “official” tells you when you can or cannot take a sh*t. The people are fed-up with being oppressed, there is no safety valve, whatever way they vote they get the same. A violent release may be at hand.
The peasants are agitated, think 1773 (Boston tea party) and ensuing humiliation of the ruling classes.
-
April 10, 2011 at 21:32 -
I very often enjoy the the posts on here, but I’m afraid to say that this post is all bollocks about something you obviously know nothing about. These were tragic events for those involved and I think it does you no credit whatsoever to treat the events in the way you have, particularly when many of the facts are yet to be known, and particularly as you have misrepresented some of the facts which are known.
PS: Cascadian, you are a plonker.
Peter
-
April 11, 2011 at 02:28 -
Ah, a john thomas has arrived with words of wisdom, but apparently no opinion. Maybe I should bow before his superior intellect and perhaps should henceforth request his permission before posting. Nah!
john thomas, it is lick-spittles who bow before authority like yourself that have ruined a great nation. Await the official inquiry and bland report if you wish, others can see a direct causal link between this man’s actions and ridiculous and untimely orders issued during a time when men are being asked to be on a war footing and be deprived of normal leave with very little material support from their employer HMG.
-
-
April 11, 2011 at 01:47 -
Very disappointed to read this post, especially the insult to the crew of HMS Astute. Pity you didn’t bother to do your usual research. How many people do you think can fit in the Ops/Control room of a submarine whilst someone is in a narrow space firing a rifle (not sub machine gun). It sounds to me that everyone close to the assailant were either hit or shot at. And as per most VIP visits the workforce are normally out of the way until they doff their forelocks when appropriate. Good show by councillor Royston Smith (ex RAF I believe). He seems a politician with some guts and sense.
http://roystonsmith.co.uk/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=368&Itemid=2
-
April 11, 2011 at 09:10 -
It wouldn’t have happened in my day. But then they were a bit more fussy about who was accepted into The Senior Service.
-
April 11, 2011 at 21:48 -
What a load of tosh clearly coming from someone who has probably never been in the deep end of a local swimming pool, let alone experiencing a nuclear submarine. Conditions onboard submarines are very good to excellent considering the operational requirement and is something one very quickly adapts too especially with the very generous extra pay that goes with it. Stress.. for goodness sake stress is bringing up half a dozen jam-eaters on income support or freezing to death as a lonely pensioner forgotton after giving your life to King and Country or staring into the eyes of a Taliban rifle. There’s stress in 95% of jobs these days and being on a nuclear submarine is no different, quite the contrary you are probably in the safest place on earth at that moment as nobody knows where the hell you are. When this comes out it will no doubt come down on one ‘sleeping’ lunatic, they are in every facet of society and you know who they are if you look around your workplace, that oddball who you wouldn’t trust with the ships cat. You make it sound like the Royal Navy is a load of would be killers mentally disturbed, you clearly have no concept or experience of Service personel. Having spent 15 years in the RN (so yes I am qualified to comment) and having been in many ‘stressful’ situations and varying conditions on board ships and submarines I can honestly say I never come across anyone with a desire to gun down four collegues. One or two with bad taste in music yes but to go on a killing rampage sorry I dont buy your analogy of life in the Royal Navy. Finally what on earth has smoking and text messages got to do with anything. these days you cant smoke anywhere except Krakatoa and regards text messages you will be lucky to get a text on the undeground let alone 2 miles down in the Indian Ocean. By all means have a pop at the idiot who committed the crime but don’t tarnish all Servicemen as would be suicidal killers. Shame on you on this one, your pacifism oozes out like puss.
-
April 12, 2011 at 09:33 -
“When this comes out it will no doubt come down on one ‘sleeping’ lunatic, they are in every facet of society and you know who they are if you look around your workplace, that oddball who you wouldn’t trust with the ships cat.”
– and Yeah! Did those 97 men on board, living in close confinement but ‘good to excellent’ conditions look around them and ‘pick out the oddball that they wouldn’t trust with the ship’s cat’? – and promptly hand him an AK80?
-
April 12, 2011 at 18:36 -
…..’SA80′
-
-
-
April 12, 2011 at 07:02 -
You know I thought that the military was basically a group of “would be killers” who would do the killing wanted by the state as necessary. Why else do they have weapons?
Well ‘heavyend 81′ How would you , wih your experience, deal with the situation and how would you prevent it happening in the future? -
April 12, 2011 at 10:33 -
Apart from the Rapper bit, and the redundancy threat, it’s all pretty standard Services stuff really.
Have you ever looked at the inside of a WWII submarine? Now THAT’s cramped – and afaik none of them murdered their officers.
And being ordered to put back to sea for a month after a two-month commission – well, totally routine two hundred years ago, or even thirty years ago for all I know. Trident boats have six-month commissions I believe, and in general murderous mayhem does not ensue.
I would concentrate on that “hand-picked men” bit – are we sure their selection procedures haven’t been diluted by PC?
If I were in command, I’d think once, twice, and three times before having a Rapper of any sort on board. But perhaps these days commanding officers are like “Head Teachers” and don’t actually get to make the decisions.
What a sad mess and how are the mighty fallen.
-
April 12, 2011 at 16:11 -
By their words shall ye know them. Cascadian, you know bugger all and “plonker” is now doubly apt.
Peter
-
April 12, 2011 at 21:54 -
More words of wisdom from john thomas.
If, as you imply, I know “bugger all”. The logical conclusion is that you know “all” about buggery? Though why you would reveal that is beyond my comprehension. (Not that there is anything wrong with that -as Seinfeld famously observed)
And perhaps it is relevant to state that the effect of name-calling lost its effect on me at about age nine, so feel free to continue if it has some calming effect on your health.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }