Last year I wrote of the load of bollards appearing in Newcastle at a cost of £500,000 which they maintained was an anti-terrorist device recommended by M16. It turned out to be a government grant which gave £375,000 worth of work to the local council employees which the government had ‘suggested’ they consult anti-terrorist advice over.

Let us hope that they don’t have too many terrorists in Bishops Auckland. They have the same load of bollards littering their streets. So unwilling are they to rely on them in the event of a terrorist – or indeed anyone else – driving down their high street, that they have just cancelled the local Shrove Tuesday pancake race.

You don’t see the connection? It is not instantly apparent.

You see, whilst hundreds of local housewives race up and down Newgate Street flipping pancakes as they go – the bollard might, just might, fall flat as a pancake, and fail to rise up, proud and true, as a mighty bollard should.

If that should happen, a car might, just might, be tempted to drive into Newgate Street.

If that should happen, the driver might, just might, ignore the hundreds of people thronging the road, and continue to drive.

If that should happen, then someone might, just might, get hurt….

And the County Council didn’t have a back up plan if that should happen.

Michael Straugheir, Durham Police’s traffic management officer, said: “If the event went ahead and someone was killed then we would be being asked why we allowed it to happen with no back-up plan in force.”

Elsewhere, the Ripon traditional pancake race has been scrapped because of fears over health and safety. Organisers reluctantly scrapped the popular event this year because of mounting costs and bureaucracy linked to health and safety rules.  The police wanted more than £1,000 to control the event.

Organiser Bernard Bateman added, ‘The main issue with health and safety is the cobbled street people could slip on, but it causes us so much trouble just for a little issue. This stupidity never happened previously. It’s a shame that these issues stop the children enjoying such a traditional event.’

Enjoy today, Shrove Tuesday, the day before Sackcloth and Ashes Wednesday. The French excel at pancakes; they melt the butter in the frying pan in this recipe and add it to the batter mix at the last minute – works a treat.

150g plain flour, sifted
pinch of salt
3 eggs
300ml milk mixed with 100ml water
75g butter

Tomorrow you should give up all luxuries until Easter. I’m not sure which year…….

Surreptitious
Evil March 10, 2011 at 13:20

Never mind the strange belief that it is the SIS rather than the Security
Service who recommend anti-terrorist measures …

Derek March 9, 2011 at 10:16

Ahhh today we should give up something we treasure, but what, I ask.
Inspiration at last. I will with great solemnety, give up needing a jumped up
little prat of a council official telling me how to enjoy myself. I will make
the great sacrifice of no longer relying on the incompetent local council
telling me what is safe. I will force myself to make that descision all by
myself. I ask myself, if I can safely survive all 40 days of Lent without this
great protection. As I have survived for 70 years without idiots from the
council interviening, I expect so.

Eleanor March 9, 2011 at 07:35

“What’s a pancake, Mummy?” “It’s something you slap on your face,
Darling.”
Or has that been banned as well?

Alan March 9, 2011 at 01:41

Ripon – They cancelled it in 2008 for similar reasons but somehow managed
to run it in 2009 and 2010. The cobbles haven’t appeared in the last 12 months
and the only risk they pose is due to them being crap.

The risk assessment issue was dismissed in 2008 by the chairman of the HSE
herself. From her words I take it the assessment isn’t supposed to be
repeated in full every single year. Perhaps the organisers don’t understand
the regulations. Otherwise it is likely to be the cost and lack of
interest.

Dave H March 8, 2011 at 18:34

It is a great shame that, when faced by the police asking for £1000 to
police the event, people can’t just say “fine, we’ll manage without you then”
and carry on. I assume that under legislation from the past decade, the
organisers suddenly become criminally liable, so no one is willing to be the
organiser.

Grumpy Old Man
March 8, 2011 at 17:57

I notice that in the photo at the top of the page is a Dalmatian wearing a
pancake, obviously thrown there by an untrained and careless person. The fact
that the hot pancake remained in position long enough for the photo to be
taken pre-supposes me to believe that the poor animal suffered severe trauma
and possibly burns from a hot pancake landing in such a place. I see no option
other than to report this case to the appropriate authority that the humans
involved may receive due chastisment for such cruelty.

Paul March 8, 2011 at 17:38

I don’t see the problem here, its an ingenuis pincer movement by
anti-terror police, Health & safety operatives and those far-sighted
individuals working for the council.

You see… Basically the Bollards have been put in to stop terrorists ramming
burning vehicles in to local branches of M&Co, Oxfam, Poundstretchers and
Costcutters, all good? Yes. But read on! Those sagacious and far-sighted
council types have also put in place a viable solution to deter frantic
shoppers ram-raiding Spar’s and Tesco Express’ for valuable much sought after
stocks of pancake ingredients!

In an other-worldly clever pincer movement, the idea of a pancake race has
been kyboshed from two seperate directions! Not only has mass injury and death
been put off during the pancake race itself but the resultant frenzied crush
for ingredients has also been staved off by the placement of the bollards even
although since the race wasn’t going to take place in the first place, the
resultant panic buying wouldn’t have happened!

If that isn’t covering all the bases, I don’t know what is.

Chalcedon March 8, 2011 at 16:27

Re Ripon. Why oh why do the police need to “control” the event? It’s just a
pancake race not some kind of EDF AFL Mexican standoff. The police should just
sod off and let people have fun. The police don’t control the annual cheese
rolling in Stilton. There are a few around to deter pickpockets et al but they
do not control the crowds.

JuliaM March 8,
2011 at 16:47

They need to control the event in case people start getting the idea that
they can enjoy themselves without the help and direction of agents of the
stage, of course.

Caedmon’s
Cat March 8, 2011 at 16:08

Despite my reservations about the canine members of the animal kingdom (as
well as knuckle-dragging, psilocybin-chewing local authorities), should a
Dalmatian from the Batter-no-see Dog’s Home be paraded thus…?

Scan March 8, 2011 at 15:38

…and how on earth can a pancake race be victim to “mounting costs”? Surely
in a sane an sensible universe you stick an advert in the paper, people bring
their own frying pans and pancakes, and they run down the street while a
traffic womble stops the cars for 30 seconds.

Surely? :-/

JuliaM March 8,
2011 at 16:45

Oh, but the council’s publicity people have to get involved, it has to be
vetted by the diversity people to ensure it’s inclusive, etc.

All that takes time, which costs money, but it keeps them in a job.

Joe Public
March 8, 2011 at 19:43

And, there’s the mandatory Insurance Premium to consider. Don’t forget
they banned Cheese Rolling down a hill with that excuse.

Scan March 8, 2011 at 15:36

Bishop Auckland does have problems when it comes to bollards. I worked on
the supermarket that was built there in 2002/3.

I remember personally spacing the main entrance bollards out on the
drawings – not big enough for a car but big enough for a trolley (obviously) –
and in they went. The next week the supermarket decided – despite being
specified in their “model store” – that “possibly” the bollards were too close
for double pushchairs to negotiate…so they were dug up and repositioned as the
supermakret ordered. At the next week’s site meeting the supermarket went on a
witch-hunt to find the idiots who had re-spaced the bollards too far apart,
contrary to their model store…so they were again uprooted (at 5pm on a Friday,
and much to the fury of a HUGE Irish concreter) and re-spaced as originally
designed.

Oh, how the long winter nights fly by…

Sister Eva
Longoria March 8, 2011 at 15:31

I think there is a Fraudian analysis to all this. I have long noted the
tendency of those in petty officialdom and local government to subconsciously
ape the big boys of Westminster. Thus, in a week in which Glossy Dave sugguts
a “no fly zone”, we have a “no pancake race” zone! To me, the parallels are
are stark and clear. It’s as if Nabakov’s essay on “Metamorphasis” had never
been written!

Engineer March 8, 2011 at 15:24

Imagine the distress if a bystander was struck by a flying pancake. The
utter chaos that would be caused by everybody else demanding one too could
bring the whole town to riot, as kitchenware shops are looted for frying pans,
wooden spoons and mixing bowls. The supermarkets would have to mount armed
guard over the flour, and not a chicken in the district would go
unmolested.

No, no. Far safer to enforce a no – enjoyment rule.

(P.S. I like my pancakes with a bit of lemon juice and sugar. If one of
those caught someone in the eye, the lemon juice could give them a nasty
sting, so maybe that’s why they’ve banned it.)

Gildas theMonk
March 8, 2011 at 15:08

Dear God in heaven, when will the madness end!