A few days ago Anna reported on great and the good of the blogosphere (allegedly) holding an expensive conference to help goodness knows who cope with the phenomenon of bloggers, tweets and so forth.
Well, we may not have fancy conferences down here at the Abbey, but we can do better than that! Radio Gildas recently launched its late night confidential phone-in ready to deal with politics and personal matters alike, fearlessly taking on any problem. Aided by âRaccoonistasâ Sister Eva Longoria and Randy Hack the results were predictablyâ¦odd, and a transcript of some of the best (or worst) of the show appears below.
[ABBEY TECHNICIAN IN WHITE COAT: RED LIGHT ON. CUE FANFARE MUSIC!]
GILDAS: Hello and welcome to the Abbey and our first live phone in! We have a trio of experts for you tonight, ready and willing to answer all your questions on all things, personal, political or blog related!
HACK: Oh shit, Iâve knocked my drink over! All down mâpants dammitâ¦
GILDAS: Indeed! Right, first, my humble self, part monk and part time blogger! Next, sitting on sitting on my left hand, we have our very own agony aunt and New Age guru, former glamour model and present day small arms instructor, Sister Eva Longoria!
SISTER E:Tra la la! [WHISPERS ASIDE] Here use this, mop it up dearâ¦
GILDAS: (AHEM)â¦.And to my right wit, raconteur, bon viveur and man about town, the Man in the White Suite, Randy Hack!
HACK: That should be my right hand youâre sitting on Eva (GUFFAWS)
HACK: Letâs gets some more frigging Merlot. Hey! Whereâs mâfags?
SISTER E:Have one of mine.
GILDAS: Now our first question comes from âTBâ of âno fixed abode,â who describes himself as a âMiddle East Peace Ambassador.â Wow! Your question please, TB!
TB: Hello Gildas! Well yeah rightâ¦you know, I like to think of myself as a pretty straight kind of guy, but lately Iâve been getting a lot of grief off, you know, people who donât seem to like me. Amazing, you know! When I was in power the journalists mostly seemed ok, but not those bloggers, and itâs getting worse. What I want to know is whatâs the difference between a journalist and blogger anyway?
GILDAS: Great call TB! Randy, over to you.
HACK: Look Iâm frigging parched. Is the Chablis all gone? .
SISTER E:This oneâs open! (SOUND OF POURING â GLUG GLUG GLUG)
HACK: Thanks babe, I bet thatâs not the only âbad habitâ youâve got! HAH HAH HAH!
HACK: Right TB (SLURP) itâs like this (SLURP). A âJOURNOâ is someone who pays you a bit of respect because he is scared he might get fired or you might have him killed and make it look like suicide like you did with that David Kelly bloke, whereas a BLOGGER is someone free to call it like it is.
TB: OH I SEE.. but I have to say that I deny thatâ¦
GILDAS: Good point Randy! Our next call is from âGBâ of Fife, who describes himself as âa misunderstood saint and expert economist and a bit of a loner.â Over to you, GB of Fife!
HACK: Whatâs all thus white powder (SNORT)
GB: (THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT) Hello Gildas. My problem is I am very bitter and boring and I have no friends. So on the advice of someone weâll call Mandy (I thought he was my friend but he wasnât) I started a Twitter account. My wife Sarah has one and itâs very popular, Iâm told and high in the ratings, but my Twitter rating is really low.
HACK: Wow, this is good stuff, man!
GILDAS: Please carry on GB of Fifeâ¦
GB: Well Iâve heard Sister Eva has a lot of followers on Twitter My question to Sister Eva is: how do I get it up?
HACK: (FNAAR! COUGH ! SPLUTTER!)
SISTER E:Well, GB, have you thought about being human as opposed to a miserable robotic killjoy?
GB: No, not reallyâ¦
SISTER E:No, I thought not. I usually recommend chanting âOhm, Ohmâ. But for you it wonât work. I think you need âtough loveâ. In short bugger off before I shoot you in the head.
GB: Thank you, Sister, Those are the kindest words Iâve heard in years!
HACK: Hey! This Metaxa is niceâ¦. (GLUG GLUG GLUG)â¦.. ahhhh!
GILDAS: Large one over here please Randy! Now our next question is from the unusually named âiDaveâ who says heâs from London and Oxford. Well he does sound posh! Hello iDave, are you there and what is your question?
iDAVE: Yes Gildas Iâm here. Great show! The problem is that I am indeed posh and all my mates are posh too. In fact everyone I know is very posh and stinking rich. Iâve got this idea for the âBig Societyâ but no one who isnât posh and stinking rich is interested. Everyone thinks Iâm just too posh! I feel it needs more publicity. Iâve tried a âWebCam-eronâ but it didnât really catch on. It was too posh! Have the panel got any ideas to make my web cam less posh and more popular?
GILDAS: Sounds tricky iDave. We are talking serious âspinâ issues here. Have you tried taking your tie off?
iDAVE: Yes, I do that but I still look posh and condescendingâ¦
SISTER E:Thatâs a problem iDave. Have you tried getting pissed on Red Stripe, rolling your own and living on benefits?
iDAVE: Itâs not really meâ¦
HACK: I think I can help you here iDave! I hear your wifeâs a bit of a MILF, as the kids say! Hereâs what you do. Invest in a bit of a bit of cheap underwear from Ann Summers for the misses, move the web cam to the bedroom and get her to jiggle her constituencies about in front of it and talk dirty. She a posh girl too so sheâll be right up for it! You can call it the âSam Camâ â hey, see what I did there! Set up a PayPal account and you can even help out the countryâs finances at the same time. Tell you what, Iâd pay for a quick chat and a w-
GILDAS: Thank you Randy! Hope thatâs helped posh iDave over there in Oxford and London
SISTER E:(WISTFUL) Actually if thatâs who I think it was I like quite like his misses. Sheâs my girl crushâ¦
SISTER E:Yeah, her and that Alex Jones off the One Show. I mean you would, wouldnât youâ¦?
[SILENCE then sound of TALL drinks being poured]
GILDAS: Too much information there, I feel. Right, moving on now, our next caller is âNickâ from Sheffield, who I believe has some sensitive personal issues he feels he needs to explore. Welcome Nick, how can we help?
NICK: Well, itâs very personal indeedâ¦ and a bit embarrassingâ¦
SISTER E:Donât worry Nick, spit it outâ¦
HACK: [SNORT] Words we so rarely hear!
SISTER E:Weâre still listening Nick
NICK: Well, Iâve been happily married for nearly 15 years, butâ¦but lately I have found myself strangely attracted to a manâ¦a man called Daveâ¦
HACK: Reminds me, I need another fag! (SOUND OF LIGHTER) â¦
SISTER E:Do please go on Nickâ¦
NICK: I didnât mean it to happen. We were just thrown together in desperate circumstances. But I feel more and more that I love him. I want us to be together for ever and ever. I feel this connectionâ¦to powerâ¦when heâs close and supportive. And yet I feel he is using meâ¦as if heâs getting ready to dump me when it suites him, but I like itâ¦. Is this wrong? I know have been betraying people and living a lie but I canât help myself!
GILDAS: Tricky one Nick, I feel this needs a womanâs touch. Sister Eva?
SISTER E:Well Nick, itâs important to realise that there is nothing to be ashamed of. From time to time we all like to dress up and play dirty games in which we are humiliatedâ¦
HACK: (SOTTO VOCE) I can imagineâ¦(SLURP)
SISTER E:â¦and cheat on those we have made solemn promises toâ¦in our manifestos, for exampleâ¦
SISTER E:â¦but itâs important to understand that you are human. No one here is judging you, you conniving two faced bastard. What I feel is that you need to have some BOUNDARIES. I like to have a special âSAFE WORDâ that I can use to stop things getting out of hand. I think that might help you in the sick, vile, twisted, disgusting, sordid and unnatural relationship that you describe. A word which tells you both when it is time to STOP. I suggest âAV.â
NICK: Thatâs great Sister Eva. But how can I get him to take me roughly from behind?
SISTER E:Well, I find –
GILDAS: NEXT CALLER!
HACK: Just when things were getting interesting!
GILDAS: Letâs move on! Next up is âJacquiâ from Redditch. Good evening Jacqui. Jacqui, I hear that sadly you recently lost your job!
JACQUI: Hello Gildas. Yes, I have recently been made unemployed. Have the panel got any ideas what I should do to start my own business?
GILDAS: Well, Jacqui, are you any good at anything?
HACK: Are you good looking?
SISTER E:Are you a warm, caring individual?
GILDAS: Hmmm..trickyâ¦ Jacqui, do you have any materials readily to hand?
JACQUI: Yes, Iâve got this big stash of porn my husband bought on MPâs expenses
GILDAS: Great! Then re-invent yourself as a broadcaster and do a documentary about porn for the BBC. Theyâll pay you shed loads of our money!
GILDAS: Just time now to squeeze in a couple of quick calls be fore we go. First âStephen the Speakerâ from Westminster. Stephen, how can we help you?
STEPHEN:Hi all. I am very little and my wife is very tall and has a very big mouth. I have recently been appointed to a new post which involves shouting ORDER!ORDER! but I fear I may be unpopular. How can I spot trouble makers and time wasters?
HACK: Theyâre the ones on the green benches sitting in front of you.
GILDAS: Thanks Stephen, glad we could clear that up for you. Finally tonight is âPresident Gâ calling from Tripoli. Come in President G! How can we help you?
PRES G: I am BIG DICTATOR but lately my powers..they is waning yes? My peeps, they seemâ¦rebelliousâ¦they is complaining a lot. OH MY HEAD IS FULL OF BEES! They write bad things on me on Face book, Twitter and internet forums! How can I be fighting this fire and controlling the peeps?
GILDAS: Have tried using the Presidential guard and the mercenaries?
PRES G: Yes!
HACK: Have you tried using the fighters and the helicopter gunships and the bullets we sold you?
PRES G: Yes!
SISTER E:Have you tried dressed up like something from London Fashion Week and made long rambling speeches?
PRES G: Yes!
GILDAS: Is none of it working?
PRES G: No!
GILDAS: Well basically mate youâre completely f-
[STATIC INTERRUPTION 1 MINUTE. BROADCAST RESUMES]
GILDAS: Well I think that went as well as could be expected in the end.
[CHINK CHINK CHINK]