The Health Nazis are at it again. Nanny State is about to tell us off for eating too much red meat. No more than 500 grams per week, children! About 1.1 lb per in proper money, which is about 3 or 4 rashers of bacon per day.

The stated aim is to ward off bowel and other cancers, which of course is a laudable aim.

But now that we can’t drink (you will be taxed) or smoke (you will taxed and arrested and tortured), it does seem that there’s not much fun to be had as we sit around, bored, waiting to die neglected, parched and starving in an NHS ward.

I wouldn’t mind so much if the science behind it was not either dubious or plain downright wrong.

For various reasons I put on weight last year. Then I had one of those moments when you have a look in the mirror and thought – I really don’t like looking like that. So I started trying to eat less and take more exercise. I started to look better, not surprisingly. Then someone gave me a copy of a little book called “Waist Disposal” by one Doctor John Briffa.

I don’t hold any personal brief for Dr Briffa by the way, but he seems to be a sensible chap. His is one of a number of eating plans which broadly recommend what can be called the “Cave Man” diet.

In simple terms, he points out that mankind has been around in its vaguely recognisable form for about between 70 – 40,000 years (although he obviously hasn’t been to Barnsley lately) and our bodies are perfectly adapted to be strong and well on the diet of what we have been for most of that time – hunter gatherers.

Note the clue. HUNTER gatherers.

He argues that we are not particularly well adapted to the produce of arable farming; wheat in all its forms, starchy vegetables, too much dairy and so forth. These only became at all commonplace some 3-4,000 years ago, and in evolutionary terms that is a nano second.

He also questions whether there is any reliable link between red meat consumption and cancer.

He does not recommend that you “diet.” Dieting just tells your body that there is a famine and causes it to react by trying to store energy whenever it can – by storing fat. Hence the syndrome of “yo yo dieting.” It all piles back on as soon as your body can get hold of some calories.

He recommends that you change what you eat. It is not just how many calories you eat, it is what type of food contains those calories. Out go wheat and starch based products like bread, pasta, potatoes and rice. In come lots of fresh vegetables, fruit (in lesser amounts) and reasonable amounts of protein in the form of eggs, fresh red meat and fresh fish. As someone else with similar ideas said, if you are having a McDonalds it’s not the burger that will kill you – it’s the bun and the fries. But plenty of low “GI” veg to go alongside it because you need that too.

Hungry between meals? No problem. Eat some nuts. It’s what your ancestors did.

Consuming fat is not a problem but it must be natural fat. Your body needs it, but won’t store it unnecessarily if it’s receiving the right type of food. Consider the conundrum of the Inuit Eskimos.

“Diet-ists” will tell you that eating fat is a very, very naughty thing to do. But the Inuits, being human (I think) live very happily and healthily on a diet which consists largely of fat, namely blubber.

Because they are used to it and because the body does not store “healthy” fats. It stores what it needs and evacuates the rest. Unhealthy, unnatural fats screw it up and get stored. Give an Innuit a blubber sandwich (minus the bread) and he’ll be fine. But give him a pizza or a bucket of KFC and he’ll expand like a puffa fish and die of a heart attack in 10 minutes.

Or take Cyprus, which has a notably high life expectancy. The diet is rich in fruits, vegetables – and red meat and fish. Olive oil is an important and regular ingredient. Garnished with red wine and cigarettes too, I should add.

It’s not rocket science. You are a hunter gatherer. It’s just a hundred generations since your great great etc grandfather would eat as much a McMammoths in a sitting as he could fit in, because he needed to.

You are designed to eat lot of seeds, berries, vegetables meat and cigarettes!

OK, I made the last bit up to be naughty. Of course if you live solely on Chateaubriand and Marlboro’ Lights you may have problem, although I have done in the past and found it singularly uplifting, particularly in Paris in 1990. But regular and moderate amounts of FRESH red meat are fine. What you are not designed to eat is coco pops, crisps, processed sugar, white bread (the same thing), Coca Cola, pizzas, Alco-pops and processed food which should be banned under the Geneva conventions against chemical warfare.

Meanwhile, with the assistance of new gym, I am about 10 lbs lighter in a month and a lot fitter. As Doctor B explains, exercise, by the way, is very good for you in many ways; it makes you feel and look better and radically cuts down risk of disease, particularly diabetes and yes, the dreaded big C, but in calorific terms it’s a relatively inefficient way to lose weight in itself.

If I didn’t consume industrial quantities of red (full of sugar) I would have lost a lot more.

So once again the Health Nazis poke their nose in with a message of misery which is negative, ill informed and does not address the real issues.

The real issue, Nanny State, is the 6 year kid I saw wondering around a Yorkshire town last week having bag of crisps for breakfast (I predict she’ll be on Ritalin by teatime). It is the fact that you people no longer know how to source or cook fresh food. It is the Coca Cola Corporation and the purveyors of fast food and processed food, the supermarkets.

But you won’t take them on, will you? I rather think you like them.

Over to you, Lord Sainsbury.

Randy Hack

Note: Biographical detail.
Randy Hack is a well known wit, raconteur and bon viveur. His books include “Let’s Get Trollied,” “Drink Yourself Sober” and the Sunday Times No 1. Best Seller “Retox Your Life with Randy Hack”.

Tacitus February 22, 2011 at 08:45

I choose to be veggie. I’m not such a dogmatist that I want everyone to
join me, but I believe its right for me. I do confess I think there are a host
of health advantages of choosing such an option – but that’s just me and I
won’t bore you with them.

If you eat meat in front of me I may joke about you enjoying your
‘putrfying flesh’, but I mean you no harm – it’s a joke. So why do meat eaters
get so protective about their habit? Why do they take such pleasure in veggie
bashing?

You may not agree with us. You might think we are cranks – indeed, some
are. But we are entitled to our view – and to express it. Equally, you have a
right to reject it.

As for diets – they are a big industry and people out there make a lot of
money out of them. By suggestion for what it’s worth is simple. Save yourself
a packet – buy some good running shoes and take up exercise – something you
can enjoy and stick to. Oh and eat healthily and in moderation.

Bon apetit.

Randy Hack
February 22, 2011 at 11:26

Strangely enough I can go with a lot of that!

TimOfEngland
February 21, 2011 at 20:26

Now I have visions of a religion based around Mammoth cigarettes! This is a
funny place!

Randy Hack February 21, 2011 at 18:46

I feel I may have to take up arms against the Thought Police again in the
near future…

Gloria Smudd
February 21, 2011 at 18:12

Predictably, since I’m on catering duty, it’ll be burnt meat again chez
Smudd.

Ian R Thorpe February 21, 2011 at 18:01

Busy day for them. I read the alcohol suppreesion branch of the Thought
Police are on the merch to, with trumped up figures to prove that if we don’t
stop abusing alcohol by having more than one drink a year in the future more
people will die every year of liver disease that of all combined including old
age and liver disease .

Engineer February 21, 2011 at 18:24

Drinking alcoholic beverages isn’t abusing them – that’s exactly what
you’re supposed to do with them.

John Leon February 21, 2011 at 12:18

Just a point, Diabeties comes in two basic types and unfortunately with a
lot of propaganda as well. Type 1 is when the Pancreas fails at a very early
age, usually well before the teens, it is something genetic and it is very
innaccurate and unfair to blame bad diet for this condition. Type 2 is more
complicated as it is the bodies resistance to insulin which causes the
problems, exerbacitated by bad diet/ lack of exercise and many other
variables, for example type 2 diabeties is quite common in athletes in later
life because of the huge intake of protiens during the training regime, each
person reacts differently and so some can successfully proccess the protiens
and some cannot. There are many bad risks associated with diabeties, it is one
of the great causes of Cardiac Arrest, Blindness, Amputation of lower limbs,
Renal failure to name a few; being a Type 2 on Insulin as my Pancreas finally
gave up the ghost 5 years ago I am well aware of the things that can befall
me, however I am in a fortunate position to live not only in a rural community
but also in a region which prides itself on its cuisine and therefore I eat
healthily and the Health service here means I have regular blood tests so I
know how well I am controlling the condition, the main problem is finding the
motivation to exercise more.

Châtelaine
February 21, 2011 at 14:19

Get a dog …

JohnM de
Melle February 21, 2011 at 16:57

…and eat it ?

Caratacus February 21, 2011 at 11:40

I used to subsist on the traditional “Nurse’s Breakfast” (cup of black
coffee and two ciggies), sammidges for dinner (wholemeal bread – healthy, me)
and stew for tea. Could work all day (hard physical) and rarely break sweat,
and my weight stayed constant.

Then I gave up smoking and started eating “healthily”. Now I cough for
England, I’ve put on half a stone and feel perpetually knackered….. Somewhere
there’s a message.

SadButMadLad
February 21, 2011 at 10:57

Just to pick up on the point on evolution and that it takes a long time to
evolve. Not quite, evolution is not a continual slow process, it’s a process
that proceeds in jumps and starts with sudden changes and then nothing for
tens of thousands of years.

Humans have evolved to a small extent – Asians cannot digest cows milk
easily whilst Europeans can.

George Speller
February 21, 2011 at 10:34

“eating fat is naughty”
My wife runs a health food shop, and she is well
qualified and experienced in nutritional matters. She admits that her
observations might be seen as apocryphal, but she says she has never had an MS
sufferer in her shop who hasn’t at some stage been put on a low- or zero-fat
diet. Just saying . . .

commercial:
If you smoke why not declare it as a religion in the next
census. Half a million Jedis are now recognised. We can do the same.

Francis
Urquhart February 21, 2011 at 09:53

Healthy eating is important. I insist on only the finest food in the House
of Commons restaurant.

F.U.

Gildas theMonk
February 21, 2011 at 09:42

I am actually lucky that I have found a really good farm shop which sells
all forms of meat and veg and now stocks fish too
Not only is the quality
noticeably much much better than the Supermarket, but the price seems
noticeably less too.
Is there a moral about supermarkets in there?

berenike February
21, 2011 at 09:35

I’d live on steak (cow or deer) if I could afford it …

Randy Hack February 21, 2011 at 09:05

Morning all! Cave man breakfast of greek yoghurt and boiled egg. Big on
olives and sardines in olive oil for lunch (Tesco do’em). It’s just eating
fresh natural food really and hey – it’s even cheaper than the processed
stuff!
Randy

SadButMadLad
February 21, 2011 at 08:25

I just had my breakfast which I’ve been eating for years. Egg (from farm
just down the road) and bacon (from farm just down the road) sandwich with
brown bread. I’ve had my blood tested last year – slightly above average
cholesterol but well within the norm.

Atkins diet makes you lose weight by stopping you feeling hungry. It’s not
a calorie reduction diet.

Delphius February
21, 2011 at 08:18

3 Rashers of bacon a day? I’d love to be able to afford to consume that
much meat!

Eleanor February 21, 2011 at 06:13

I sometimes get around to looking at the price of red meat, but that’s
about it.
After that it’s back to the Sell by Date cabinet. This means that
I eat quite a lot of junk.
But I do buy large quantities of bruised
bananas.

JuliaM February
21, 2011 at 05:52

“Not so easy if your only source is a supermarket.”

Actually farmed venison is available pretty much all year round at Asda and
Sainsbury, and most months at Tesco too. Rabbit is a little harder to come by,
admittedly.

Richard B February 21, 2011 at 14:52

Understood – I was referring more to the kind of beef that supermarkets
tend to carry, filled with hormones and growth promoters, as opposed to the
meat from our local butcher, which is filled with the grass that I can see
from my window as I type.

Venison is becoming more widely available, but I can’t see rabbit getting
much of a foothold in the market: rabbits are cute, after all, and therefore
subject to different rules according to our warped sense of what is food. I
can see the demos now …

JuliaM February 21, 2011 at 18:08

It’s a pity, because rabbit is delicious. I love it braised in cider
and chicken stock, with carrots and celery and herbs.

Mmmm, hungry now!

Sister Eva
Longoria February 21, 2011 at 20:17

Rabbit can be obtained relatively easily with the aid of a 12 bore…

Richard B February
21, 2011 at 01:00

I read up on this some time ago (I think the book was called ‘The Cave Man
Diet’) and gave it a try. It works, believe me. I lost tons of weight and felt
great. After a short period of adjustment, your tastes change. To follow it
properly, you need to eat game, such as rabbit and venison, in preference to
hormone-filled commercial beef, as our ancestors would have done. I am lucky
here, in that we have several local butchers who can tell you the name of the
cow, never mind the farm it came from, and you can eat relatively pure beef
quite easily. Not so easy if your only source is a supermarket.

I have a quick version I use if ever I feel too heavy – just cut the bread
and spuds and everything wheat-based. It works, but it also feels ‘right’ to
me. As you say, only a few tens of generations ago this was how we lived. We
have a C21 lifestyle, but still have a palaeolithic body. Evolution just ain’t
that quick. Eat in tune with what your body was designed for, and be healthy.
I’m pretty sure that processed food poisons the system in a way we don’t
understand and makes it crave all the wrong things – and so do wheat and dairy
to some extent. I love bread, but if I don’t eat it for a week, I lose
interest. It’s as if something has switched inside.

Gildas theMonk
February 21, 2011 at 10:50

You are spot on. Things like bread are sort of mini addictions – at least
in the form we usually buy it which is full of sugar and salt
In his book
(which I have also read) Dr Briffa explains how the chemicals in certain
foods increases appetites unnaturally in some ways, and throws the body’s
natural chemistry out of balance