By my reckoning, January 12th should be our final day on this earth â it is not global warming that we should be concerned with, nor even global cooking to perfection, but global incineration, charred beyond recognition.
In the few days before Christmas, the US saw changes in the make-up of its armed forces that have serious consequences for the rest of us.
Donât be daft! Iâm not talking about the âDonât ask, Donât tellâ legislation that was overturned in the Senate. That might affect some of the âmake-upâ that the armed forces use, but a few high stepping, bottom clenching sailors calling the Rear Admiral âSweetie-Pieâ isnât going to signal the end of the world as we know it â we are surely more grown up than that? Besides, if some of them swap make-up hints with their new bessie fwends in the Taliban, that cannot be a bad thing.
No, this is far more serious, and it snuck past us as everyone was busy swapping homophobic jokes in the commentsâ¦..
That politically correct bastion and policeman of the world has decreed that â by law â 40% of the crew of its armada of nuclear armed vessels shall be comprised of those suffering a mental disorder.
Donât get me wrong, Iâm not about to start campaigning against those suffering from a mental disturbance. I have no truck with those who wish to stigmatise and isolate the mentally ill. But, but, but. There are some jobs, Prime Minister of Great Britain, for instance, and others with their finger on the nuclear button, that are best filled by someone, anyone, other than those filled with murderous rage, suicidal thoughts, or homicidal hallucinations.
However, from the 1st January, 40% of the crew of those sleek and secretive nuclear submarines roaming our seas that we are assured are our best protection against the âmadmenâ in North Korea and Iran, who, we are told, are ânot to be trusted with nuclear weaponsâ, will themselves, be comprised of those who may be, at any one time, suffering from one or all of DSM-III-Râs list of side effects of category 292.0.
This is political correctness carried too far.
From the 1st January, the crews on board the US nuclear arsenal are forbidden to smoke whilst submerged. Personally, the bath is the one place I never smoke, the end gets all soggy, but that is by the by. These boys (and girls) are submerged for 60 days at a time.
They are forbidden to use an E-Cigarette â too likely that the cartridge will be replaced by one filled with crack cocaine apparently. They must fall back on the tender embrace of the pharmaceutical replacement â now proven to cause hallucinations, a belief that God is talking to you, suicidal thoughts that have led to almost 5,000 serious psychotic episodes and over a 100 suicides â or alternatively, they can go âcold turkeyâ and suffer from the side effects of 292.0 which include â temper tantrums, feelings of despondency, mental confusion, vagueness, anxiety and depression.
Doesnât that fill you with glee? Now off you go and eat, drink, smoke and be merry, for I calculate that by Jan 12th one or more of them will have snapped and blasted us all into outer spaceâ¦