Simple Solution No.64
The Parish of Puttenham is palpitating with prurient paraunia. You don’t get many opportunities in life to write a sentence like that. I’m grabbing it whilst I still can.
The children at Puttenham Scool are having their enforced sex education classes disturbed by copulating couples outside the windows enlivening the boring diagrams and displays of condoms stretched over bananas provided by the teachers inside.
As one Mother said:
“Our children are at the most innocent time of their lives and we don’t want them to be exposed to this.”
Quite right Madam, they should be out in the fresh air, learning by example.
200 local people have written to the Guildford Borough Council demanding that they install recordable CCTV at the Hog’s Back Dogging site, since some of them are at work during the day and miss all the excitement……
Others have demanded that the Hog’s Back Café which employs six people (that is a busy café for a lay-by!) be closed with the loss of employment to lessen the appeal of the area.
On Friday, Surrey County Council voted against a motion to shut the café and lay-by on the A31 between Puttenham and Seale.
The decision was made on the grounds that they did not want to put a man out of business and did not believe it would necessarily solve the problem of people visiting the countryside for outdoor sex.
Instead, the committee have decided to put a number of Bulls in the field behind the cafe, a thoroughly green and ecologically sound solution.
Local Sarah Green, 32, said today: “How the council can sit there with straight faces and suggest putting a herd of bulls in a field to stop people having sex in it is almost too ridiculous to contemplate. Do they really think a bunch of perverts are going to be put off by a few bulls in a field? It will probably make them even more excited.”
I give it all of five minutes before it’s renamed the Hog’s Back Bull-Dogging Café, and doubles its take on energy giving sports drinks as exhausted contestants triumphantly vault the field gate safely……some of them anyway.
The inimitable Fascinating Aida on Dogging…..
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1
September 30, 2010 at 14:26 -
I am shocked on all levels!
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2
September 30, 2010 at 15:08 -
Oh dear … if you search for Hogs Back on Google maps it puts it directly on top of Springfield Manor Nursing Home :-0
Approx 100oft away is the Puttenham C of E School and close by is the two pubs … The Good Intent and The Jolly Farmer.
l think l’d better not think about that too much … the images conjured up could damage me for life.
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3
September 30, 2010 at 15:15 -
Oh for the days when children would have innocently clustered around with helpful commentary, “Hold yer coat, Mister?” “Tanner to go away, guv?” and the all time favourite, “‘Ere, that’s your bruvver’s girl, ain’t it Bill? You’re in trouble now, mister.”
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4
September 30, 2010 at 17:07 -
Are we sure they’re not mistaking a traffic jam for dogging? I’m struggling to picture some of the more outre elements of dogging occuring in that lay-by during daylight hours – the audience would be enormous!
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September 30, 2010 at 17:08 -
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September 30, 2010 at 17:12 -
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September 30, 2010 at 17:31
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September 30, 2010 at 17:20 -
“Others have demanded that the Hog’s Back Café which employs six people (that is a busy café for a lay-by!)”
Actually Anna, whoever owns it has a damn goldmine – every time I have passed it (never stopped, I hasten to add) it is busy busy. (probably selling hot dogs!)
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11
September 30, 2010 at 17:38 -
Never saw or heard of “Aida”. Had me in stitches
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12
September 30, 2010 at 19:13
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13
September 30, 2010 at 18:33 -
As it’s a field, I wonder if the teachers have taught the kids about Daisy Chains yet?
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September 30, 2010 at 19:19 -
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September 30, 2010 at 20:56 -
May I recommend the refreshing products of the Hog’s Back Brewery for all your postprandial needs http://www.hogsback.co.uk/ (Usual disclaimer) ‘Tis my favourite ale shoppe.
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17
September 30, 2010 at 23:37 -
Has the local resident who decried the idea of putting cattle in the field no common sense at all? Cattle are incredibly inquisitive, and (especially when close up) very LARGE. Any couple stupid enough to not get out of their way when they come close by are going to end up trampled to death. Which might dampen the ardour of the rest of the dogging fraternity I suppose……………..for once I reckon the local council might have come up with the most sensible solution all round.
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19
October 1, 2010 at 00:26 -
I recall that Ron Davies, erstwhile Welsh Viceroy or whatever, decided to resign on health grounds after a spot of ” badger-watching”.
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