All cats not so grey in the darkâ¦.
Yesterday I read that this young lady â I use the term loosely â was so âhotâ that a bank clerk was sufficiently distracted by her appearance that he stole £217,000 and funnelled it in her direction.
Ye Gods I thought, maybe there is hope for me yet, perhaps not the full £217,000 but I might still be worth a £21,000 distraction, then I remembered that it was a French HSBC bank clerk that I would have to distract, and those humourless souls are only distracted by a full bottle of claret and a five course lunch â and I resemble neither.
Perhaps some of my male readers could advise me as to whether the lady is correctly described as hot? Although I suspect that âhotâ is in the eye of the beholder and can vary from desperate moment to desperate moment â witness a case heard recently in the full majesty of the Court of Appeal.
It concerned a Mr Burns. âDoing a Burnsâ may well move into the current lexicon of modern language.
Mr Burns was driving along the Huddersfield highway in the early hours when he was seized by an urgent sexual tension, as one is. He happened at that moment to be passing a lady who might variously be described as âsex workerâ âprostituteâ or âold slapperâ depending on your politics, and how likely you are to obtain employment in Ms Harmanâs department.
âUnder the light of the sodium glowâ as they say, she did look vaguely attractive. They agreed that she would, being blessed with two hands, simultaneously relieve him of his priapic distension and £50. At the same time.
A passing police car had persuaded them both that another venue might be in order, and so they drove to the romantic environs of a disused factory.
Bereft of the sodium lighting, the young lady was looking less attractive by the minute, and so Mr Burns resorted to snorting a line of cocaine to arouse his ardour. He left the car to urinate against the side of it, there being no properly designated toilet facility available and on his return he turned on the interior light.
(I hope youâre not thinking of writing for Mills and Boon in your spare time? Ed)
Under the harsh glare of the interior light, he was even less enamoured of the ladyâs appearance. Further she had suggested that he might like to share his cocaine. Entrusting your penis to a strangers grasp is one thing, but sharing your coke beyond a joke.
Mr Burns grabbed the young lady by the armpits and forcibly ejected her from his vehicle and âplacedâ her on the cold wet floor whence she apparently bruised and grazed herself, as you do.
She demanded to be taken back to where he had found her and he refused.
As a âsex workerâ she knew her rights, and Mr Burns has just lost his appeal against a conviction of assault occasioning actual bodily harm. He was also convicted of committing an offence with intent to commit a sexual offence. i.e. procuring a prostitute.
The argument on his behalf was that it is settled law that you can use reasonable force to remove an individual from your house after he has refused to leave on request â surely the same applies to your car?
It doesnât where you have invited the passenger into the car. It was held, in effect, that the verbal contract to drive her back to where he had found her when their transaction was complete trumped the right to use reasonable force.
The moral of the story is surely to turn the interior light on before you complete the transaction?
Itâs such a romantic little story isnât it?
June 11, 2010 at 15:10
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Even though Iâm ânot getting muchâ at the moment, I reckon a Viagra buttie
would be a prerequisite in order to indulge in sexual congress with the
âladyâ.
June 11, 2010 at 02:13
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On the other hand, she may well do tricks.
June 11,
2010 at 01:29
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Hot?
Sheâs so hot her face has melted.
June 10, 2010 at 23:09
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What a fucking moose!
June 10, 2010 at 22:30
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Stevie Wonder might find her hot
June 10, 2010 at 22:24
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Sheâs not my cup of tea. Bad posture.
June 10, 2010 at 21:29
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âWhittaker insists he was forced to take the money because he was being
blackmailed by a man called John from Nigeria who knew about a drug conviction
he had as a 17-year-old in the Cayman Islands.â
This has got me completely baffled. Why was Nigerian Dave blackmailing him
to give the money to a Hungarian temptress? Or was he so distracted by her
âheatâ that he put the stolen money in her account, not Nigerian Daveâs. Are
the Hungarian and the Nigerian in cahoots? Do the clerk and the temptress have
prior knowledge of each other, even carnal? or was she just a distracting
stranger? None of this adds up.
BTW, Iâd say she was attractive, but not âhotâ, but itâs hard to tell from
a photo.
June 10, 2010 at 21:25
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That woman is a typical Anglo bitch with all the sex appeal of a road
accident!!!! And thatâs being kindâ¦..
June 10, 2010 at 20:45
June 10, 2010 at 20:45
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Eldest Son just said she had a pulse therefore hot
I hope to God it was a joke
June 10, 2010 at 20:31
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June 10, 2010 at 20:31
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As long as she is a smoker I couldânt give two hoots what temperature she
is.
But wait a minute,is she a frogette ?
June
10, 2010 at 20:06
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I shall pass on the ladyâs hotness Anna as a concensus seems to have been
reached with whih I wholly concur. On the other hand if youâre a French bank
clerk working for HSBC I suppose there are few better options available.
What intrigued me was the second half of the post.
June 11,
2010 at 07:15
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But how do you manage to also hold on to the chips?
June 11, 2010 at 12:42
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You donât. Youâve already exchanged them. Holding the chips is her
problem, and the quicker she gets on with it, the hotter theyâll be by the
time sheâs finished. Although I suppose the gallant might wait for her to
eat the chips first, which will have the advantage of nice warm hands.
June 11, 2010 at 12:45
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Just make sure you donât ask for salt and vinegar.
June 11, 2010 at
12:57
- June 11, 2010 at 15:07
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You can always tell if sheâs had an unexpected orgasm though⦠She
drops her chips.
June 10, 2010 at 19:45
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Fussy gits.
Thereâs an old saying from my youth in the military. If itâs
stationery paint it, if it moves shag it.
June 10, 2010 at 21:03
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Ah the military mind! â why not buy paper of the right colour in the
first place?
- June 10, 2010 at 21:05
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Obligato? Que? Que?
June 10, 2010 at 21:38
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Depends if the âStationaryâ in question is a âFrench Letterââ¦
June 10, 2010 at 21:56
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How many have you had private? If it moves, salute it; if it doesnât
move, pick it up; if you canât pick it up, paint it.
Course it depends on
your regiment. Devon + Dorsets were we Rog?
June 10, 2010 at 19:05
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I canât say I fancy her at all.
June 10, 2010 at 18:24
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She might smoke but she is most definately not smokinâ, as I believe they
say, in that picture. Not a pretty sight at all.
I donât think the cash would help either but TBH Anna she is likely to be
in possession of the two items required to attract most of us males. Those
being a pulse and and vagina of course â¦
June
10, 2010 at 17:51
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To be fair, that is no doubt the worst possible milli-second to catch her.
There is an outside (very outside) chance that had the shutter click a second
or so later she might be quite presentable.
Still, if I were to become a felon for a lady it would have to be of higher
quality than this.
- June 10, 2010 at 17:53
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I would add, this is my favourite sentence:
âblowing
June 10, 2010 at 17:10
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Most definitely not hot Anna.
What we call a 10 pinterâ¦.and weâre talking vodka here.
- June 10, 2010 at 17:38
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Does she not look any better now sheâs got 1/4 of a million stashed away
Lads?
June 10, 2010 at 21:19
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Not vodka â meths.
June 10, 2010 at 16:32
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Nope, she ainât hot. As regards the Burns case â for shame, I live in
Huddersfield and we certainly have an errâ¦vibrant red light district. On a
vaguely related note â a chap got done a bit back with taking dumps by the
side of the road, he had a regular calling place so, obviously bemused and
relatively disgusted, someone popped up a cctv thingy and he used to get out
of his car and lay a cable! Who said Northerners arenât posh? Uuurggh.
June
10, 2010 at 16:05
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Thatâd be like fucking Joe Bugner.
- June 10, 2010 at 17:49
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Wetting myself.
June 10,
2010 at 15:51
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Blimey, even John Prescott wouldnât shâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦..oh I sâpose he would
especially if she offered him a pie!
- June 10, 2010 at 15:14
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Having worked as a night-club bouncer for many years I have seen many deep
and meaningless relationships blossom in no more time than it takes to down a
few lagers, alcopops and a little Columbian marching powder. A turn or two
around the dance floor as sweet nothings are burbled into earoles and a life
of connubial bliss awaits.
If I have learnt anything on my anthropological field trips it is this â
physical appearance is as nothing compared with an apparent readiness to allow
the male of the species to get his leg over. If the lady chooses well and
performs her part of the bargain convincingly enough and for long enough, the
trusting bugger is hooked until the scales fall from his eyes some time later.
Then he goes along to a nightclub, has a few beersâ¦.
June 10, 2010 at 15:02
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âThe moral of the story is surely to turn the interior light on before you
complete the transaction?â
Or take a torch. Perhaps he should claim the âgoodsâ had been falsely
advertised.
âHe was also convicted of committing an offence with intent to commit a
sexual offence. i.e. procuring a prostitute.â
That is a thought crime.
June 10, 2010 at 15:01
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âHotâ is a relative thing. Iâve done a study for you Anna (unfunded) and
that girl hits the hot level at 7.75 beers.
- June 10, 2010 at 15:46
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Mesmer â is there any specific gravity of beer reccomended? I understand
that some are more effective than others?
June 10, 2010 at 16:31
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Anna, the calculation is BG = QB-BD where BG is attractiveness or beer
goggle co-efficient, QB is the quantity of standard beer (specific gravity
4.4%), and BD is the amount of beer that causes brewerâs droop. Hence for
some Chantelles the amount of beer required to conjure attractiveness
exceeds the quantity that prevents the hydraulics functioning.
-
June 10, 2010 at 21:17
- June 10,
2010 at 15:01
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Intrigued by the forthcoming assessment of the blogging menfolk, but I
suspect it was less her âhotnessâ that was the attaraction, but her percieved
availability. Any port in a storm, etcâ¦
June 10, 2010 at 14:45
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The âladyâ in the photograph is most certainly not âhotâ, IMHO.
- June 10, 2010 at 14:42
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Excellent, as another Mr Burns would say â she was only the farmerâs
daughter, but she liked her Huddersfield.
{ 43 comments }