Yesterday I read that this young lady – I use the term loosely – was so ‘hot’ that a bank clerk was sufficiently distracted by her appearance that he stole £217,000 and funnelled it in her direction.

Ye Gods I thought, maybe there is hope for me yet, perhaps not the full £217,000 but I might still be worth a £21,000 distraction, then I remembered that it was a French HSBC bank clerk that I would have to distract, and those humourless souls are only distracted by a full bottle of claret and a five course lunch – and I resemble neither.

Perhaps some of my male readers could advise me as to whether the lady is correctly described as hot? Although I suspect that ‘hot’ is in the eye of the beholder and can vary from desperate moment to desperate moment – witness a case heard recently in the full majesty of the Court of Appeal.

It concerned a Mr Burns. ‘Doing a Burns’ may well move into the current lexicon of modern language.

Mr Burns was driving along the Huddersfield highway in the early hours when he was seized by an urgent sexual tension, as one is. He happened at that moment to be passing a lady who might variously be described as ‘sex worker’ ‘prostitute’ or ‘old slapper’ depending on your politics, and how likely you are to obtain employment in Ms Harman’s department.

‘Under the light of the sodium glow’ as they say, she did look vaguely attractive. They agreed that she would, being blessed with two hands, simultaneously relieve him of his priapic distension and £50. At the same time.

A passing police car had persuaded them both that another venue might be in order, and so they drove to the romantic environs of a disused factory.

Bereft of the sodium lighting, the young lady was looking less attractive by the minute, and so Mr Burns resorted to snorting a line of cocaine to arouse his ardour. He left the car to urinate against the side of it, there being no properly designated toilet facility available and on his return he turned on the interior light.

(I hope you’re not thinking of writing for Mills and Boon in your spare time? Ed)

Under the harsh glare of the interior light, he was even less enamoured of the lady’s appearance. Further she had suggested that he might like to share his cocaine. Entrusting your penis to a strangers grasp is one thing, but sharing your coke beyond a joke.

Mr Burns grabbed the young lady by the armpits and forcibly ejected her from his vehicle and ‘placed’ her on the cold wet floor whence she apparently bruised and grazed herself, as you do.

She demanded to be taken back to where he had found her and he refused.

As a ‘sex worker’ she knew her rights, and Mr Burns has just lost his appeal against a conviction of assault occasioning actual bodily harm. He was also convicted of committing an offence with intent to commit a sexual offence. i.e. procuring a prostitute.

The argument on his behalf was that it is settled law that you can use reasonable force to remove an individual from your house after he has refused to leave on request – surely the same applies to your car?

It doesn’t where you have invited the passenger into the car. It was held, in effect, that the verbal contract to drive her back to where he had found her when their transaction was complete trumped the right to use reasonable force.

The moral of the story is surely to turn the interior light on before you complete the transaction?

It’s such a romantic little story isn’t it?

Pogo June 11, 2010 at 15:10

Even though I’m “not getting much” at the moment, I reckon a Viagra buttie
would be a prerequisite in order to indulge in sexual congress with the
“lady”.

Roue le Jour
June 11, 2010 at 02:13

On the other hand, she may well do tricks.

Leg-iron June 11,
2010 at 01:29

Hot?

She’s so hot her face has melted.

Obnoxio The
Clown June 10, 2010 at 23:09

What a fucking moose!

KWCook June 10, 2010 at 22:30

Stevie Wonder might find her hot

Tom
June 10, 2010 at 22:24

She’s not my cup of tea. Bad posture.

Bayard June 10, 2010 at 21:29

“Whittaker insists he was forced to take the money because he was being
blackmailed by a man called John from Nigeria who knew about a drug conviction
he had as a 17-year-old in the Cayman Islands.”

This has got me completely baffled. Why was Nigerian Dave blackmailing him
to give the money to a Hungarian temptress? Or was he so distracted by her
“heat” that he put the stolen money in her account, not Nigerian Dave’s. Are
the Hungarian and the Nigerian in cahoots? Do the clerk and the temptress have
prior knowledge of each other, even carnal? or was she just a distracting
stranger? None of this adds up.

BTW, I’d say she was attractive, but not “hot”, but it’s hard to tell from
a photo.

mark June 10, 2010 at 21:25

That woman is a typical Anglo bitch with all the sex appeal of a road
accident!!!! And that’s being kind…..

Thaddeus J.
Wilson June 10, 2010 at 20:45

Anna, as you well know, I am not exactly fighting them off. But I would run
a country mile if something that revolting cast its basilisk gaze upon me!

Andrew Withers
(LPUK) June 10, 2010 at 20:45

Eldest Son just said she had a pulse therefore hot

I hope to God it was a joke

Griblett June 10, 2010 at 20:31

Lebensraum June 10, 2010 at 20:31

As long as she is a smoker I could’nt give two hoots what temperature she
is.
But wait a minute,is she a frogette ?

Ian Thorpe June
10, 2010 at 20:06

I shall pass on the lady’s hotness Anna as a concensus seems to have been
reached with whih I wholly concur. On the other hand if you’re a French bank
clerk working for HSBC I suppose there are few better options available.

What intrigued me was the second half of the post.

JuliaM June 11,
2010 at 07:15

But how do you manage to also hold on to the chips?

Woman on a
Raft June 11, 2010 at 12:42

You don’t. You’ve already exchanged them. Holding the chips is her
problem, and the quicker she gets on with it, the hotter they’ll be by the
time she’s finished. Although I suppose the gallant might wait for her to
eat the chips first, which will have the advantage of nice warm hands.

Vimes June 11, 2010 at 12:45

Just make sure you don’t ask for salt and vinegar.

Anna
Raccoon June 11, 2010 at
12:57

Vimes,
Vinegar strokes with no vinegar, surely not?

Pogo June 11, 2010 at 15:07

You can always tell if she’s had an unexpected orgasm though… She
drops her chips.

Rog June 10, 2010 at 19:45

Fussy gits.
There’s an old saying from my youth in the military. If it’s
stationery paint it, if it moves shag it.

Obligato June 10, 2010 at 21:03

Ah the military mind! – why not buy paper of the right colour in the
first place?

Anna
Raccoon June 10, 2010 at 21:05

Obligato? Que? Que?

Pushing the
Envelope June 10, 2010 at 21:38

Depends if the “Stationary” in question is a “French Letter”…

Caratacus June 10, 2010 at 21:56

How many have you had private? If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t
move, pick it up; if you can’t pick it up, paint it.
Course it depends on
your regiment. Devon + Dorsets were we Rog?

Eleanor June 10, 2010 at 19:05

I can’t say I fancy her at all.

Jiks June 10, 2010 at 18:24

She might smoke but she is most definately not smokin’, as I believe they
say, in that picture. Not a pretty sight at all.

I don’t think the cash would help either but TBH Anna she is likely to be
in possession of the two items required to attract most of us males. Those
being a pulse and and vagina of course …

Old Slaughter June
10, 2010 at 17:51

To be fair, that is no doubt the worst possible milli-second to catch her.
There is an outside (very outside) chance that had the shutter click a second
or so later she might be quite presentable.

Still, if I were to become a felon for a lady it would have to be of higher
quality than this.

Old Slaughter June 10, 2010 at 17:53

I would add, this is my favourite sentence:

“blowing

g1lgam3sh June 10, 2010 at 17:10

Most definitely not hot Anna.

What we call a 10 pinter….and we’re talking vodka here.

Anna
Raccoon June 10, 2010 at 17:38

Does she not look any better now she’s got 1/4 of a million stashed away
Lads?

T. P. Fuller
June 10, 2010 at 21:19

Not vodka — meths.

Dick the Prick
June 10, 2010 at 16:32

Nope, she ain’t hot. As regards the Burns case – for shame, I live in
Huddersfield and we certainly have an err…vibrant red light district. On a
vaguely related note – a chap got done a bit back with taking dumps by the
side of the road, he had a regular calling place so, obviously bemused and
relatively disgusted, someone popped up a cctv thingy and he used to get out
of his car and lay a cable! Who said Northerners aren’t posh? Uuurggh.

Rightwinggit June
10, 2010 at 16:05

That’d be like fucking Joe Bugner.

Old Slaughter June 10, 2010 at 17:49

Wetting myself.

Catosays June 10,
2010 at 15:51

Blimey, even John Prescott wouldn’t sh………………..oh I s’pose he would
especially if she offered him a pie!

Caratacus June 10, 2010 at 15:14

Having worked as a night-club bouncer for many years I have seen many deep
and meaningless relationships blossom in no more time than it takes to down a
few lagers, alcopops and a little Columbian marching powder. A turn or two
around the dance floor as sweet nothings are burbled into earoles and a life
of connubial bliss awaits.

If I have learnt anything on my anthropological field trips it is this –
physical appearance is as nothing compared with an apparent readiness to allow
the male of the species to get his leg over. If the lady chooses well and
performs her part of the bargain convincingly enough and for long enough, the
trusting bugger is hooked until the scales fall from his eyes some time later.
Then he goes along to a nightclub, has a few beers….

Alan June 10, 2010 at 15:02

“The moral of the story is surely to turn the interior light on before you
complete the transaction?”

Or take a torch. Perhaps he should claim the ‘goods’ had been falsely
advertised.

“He was also convicted of committing an offence with intent to commit a
sexual offence. i.e. procuring a prostitute.”

That is a thought crime.

Mesmer June 10, 2010 at 15:01

‘Hot’ is a relative thing. I’ve done a study for you Anna (unfunded) and
that girl hits the hot level at 7.75 beers.

Anna
Raccoon June 10, 2010 at 15:46

Mesmer – is there any specific gravity of beer reccomended? I understand
that some are more effective than others?

Brian June 10, 2010 at 16:31

Anna, the calculation is BG = QB-BD where BG is attractiveness or beer
goggle co-efficient, QB is the quantity of standard beer (specific gravity
4.4%), and BD is the amount of beer that causes brewer’s droop. Hence for
some Chantelles the amount of beer required to conjure attractiveness
exceeds the quantity that prevents the hydraulics functioning.

T. P. Fuller
June 10, 2010 at 21:17

http://s1.b3ta.com/host/creative/79547/1275528236/goggles.gif

JuliaM June 10,
2010 at 15:01

Intrigued by the forthcoming assessment of the blogging menfolk, but I
suspect it was less her ‘hotness’ that was the attaraction, but her percieved
availability. Any port in a storm, etc…

English Viking
June 10, 2010 at 14:45

The ‘lady’ in the photograph is most certainly not ‘hot’, IMHO.

Vimes June 10, 2010 at 14:42

Excellent, as another Mr Burns would say – she was only the farmer’s
daughter, but she liked her Huddersfield.